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RoryLegend
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 Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 6:17 am Post subject: Perfect Sin (Provisions) |
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So I was thinking about my other poem, The End, and reading poetry on the site and this kind of floated into my head with no real effort from me whatsoever, convenient.
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Perfect Sin
By: Rory Legend
He led to deceive,
and deceive he did.
For everything I believed,
I gave up for him.
Breathing in,
and breathing out,
he offered sweet freedom
he portrayed no doubt.
The steps went wrong.
The music turned sour.
Yet he still smiled,
and I believed in his power.
That smile which played
across his face;
was gone so sudden,
with out a trace.
A bed of lies,
was all it took.
One night to try,
one night to look.
It's what I want,
It's what I've been.
It's all I need,
the perfect sin.
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please tell me what you think! |
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Last edited by RoryLegend on Fri Mar 21, 2008 2:50 am; edited 2 times in total |
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Adnamarine
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| Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 3:19 pm Post subject: |
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This was interesting and original. Mostly I'd just go over the punctuation and grammatical stuff.
You misspelled 'deceive'.
But I didn't really get it, I have to admit. Much as I liked it, I had a hard time understanding what it was really about and what emotion you were trying to bring through. You should probably work that out.
I think that's about it. Just, again, go over your punctuation again.
Keep writing!
*adna* |
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SimonCowellLuver
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| Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 12:10 am Post subject: |
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Hi I am SCL or SimonCowellLuver. I am here to say your poem is very good I love it but I saw some grammatical errors so i am going to help fix them ok.
He led to decieve (you need a comma here)
and decieve he did.
For everything I believed,
I gave up for him.
Breathing in ( you need a comma here)
and breathing out,
he offered sweet freedom
he portrayed no doubt ( you need a period here)
Well That is all i have to critique for today. Have a good day. If you have any questions feel free to PM me anytime.
TTYL SCL |
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King of the North
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| Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 2:21 am Post subject: |
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Another very good poem.
To repeat those above you do have a few spelling errors and grammatical problems. Other than that the poem was extremely well written.
Stanzas 2 and 6 are my favorite. They hold such strength and demonstrate your great writing abilities. |
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Nightfall
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 7:17 pm Post subject: |
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Ah! Quite grand!
I love your topic (isn't the devil fun to work with ^-^); it can be a tough subject because it can get cliche really easily, but you totally rocked it! Great word choice too!
~Nightfall |
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Livinginfantasy
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 5:12 pm Post subject: |
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The steps went wrong.
The music turned sour.
Yet he still smiled,
and I believed in his power. |
I really liked these lines. It's very visual.
| Quote: |
It's what I want,
It's what I've been.
It's all I need,
the perfect sin. |
I believe this is an example of some incredible word choice!
Not only do I like this concept, but I really liked your word choice. I fully understand this. And like nightfall said, this can be pretty tough, but you pulled it off gracefully in a unique and powerful way.
Gold star for you!  |
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RoryLegend
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| Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 9:14 pm Post subject: |
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| thanks to everyone for the crits, I'm glad most of you liked it! It is only like the second poem I have written. |
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