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Starry Night
Starry Night

by xGraceex in Art & Photography
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on March 17, 2008
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The Three Queens
The Three Queens - Chapter Three

The Three Queens -Chapter Two

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bkwrm   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 7:59 pm    Post subject: The Three Queens -Chapter Two Reply with quote

*It's been ages since I wrote chapter one, but now that chapter two is finally finished, I hope that you enjoy it. Very Happy *

Chapter Two

“Where is she?!” O’mal demanded for the fourth time in the space of a minute.

Normally a typical Anvarian, with that uncanny ability to take everything in his stride, his current frantic state was causing some consternation amongst the passing orchestra members, many of whom were giving him rather concerned looks. Seeing that, despite their concern, they were going to be of no help to him, O’mal rounded upon the pianist.

“Well?! Do you know where she is?!” he asked aggressively.

Tonan shrugged apologetically. “I think she was working today – she did mention that she might be a little late.”

“A little?! A little?!” O’mal screeched. Then he registered the rest of Tonan’s words and his screech rose by several decibels to become an almost deafening roar. “Working?! In the name of the Lady, why is she working?! She has a job here! She doesn’t need any more money – Gods know we pay her enough – so why is she working?!”

Tonan looked at him in surprise. “It’s not paid work,” he explained, “she helps out at an orphanage in the black district.”

“Dear Gods! Well I’m not having it! From now on she can come to the rehearsals, just like everyone else, instead of just waltzing in at the last minute and sending me into a panic attack for every second she’s not here! I’m not having it! I won’t put up with it any more!”

Tonan grinned. “In all fairness to her,” he said, “she doesn’t really need the practice; she's always perfect anyway.”

“Well so are you – but I don’t let you miss the daily rehearsals.”

“That’s because I’m not the one pulling the crowds – she is. After all, as you once so eloquently put it , I’m only a lowly accompanist; I’m not even a musician in my own right as far as the crowds are concerned.”

O’mal ground his teeth and just as he was about to explode once more, a small figure slipped in through the theatre’s back door.

“Liss!” O’mal greeted her warmly, his arms opened wide in welcome, “my dear, where have you been? I was so worried about you!”

The pretty blonde girl blushed, stammering excuses.

Dismissing them grandly, with a wave of his hand, O’mal declared, “There’s no need to explain my sweet. Just pop along to your dressing room to get ready and I’ll see you in a little while. I just need to have a quick word with the string quartet before I can talk to you. Off you go now my darling.”

Rolling his eyes exasperatedly as he watched their exchange, Tonan couldn’t help but find the whole situation a little amusing. He knew that even if Liss had actually been late O'mal still would have been unable to berate her to her face - like everyone else, the moment he was confronted with her innocent beauty he melted like ice and suddenly she became his ‘darling’ girl, who could do no wrong.

Liss hurried off obediently, after giving Tonan a hurried smile. Upon arriving she discovered that almost the entire wardrobe department waiting in her dressing room. She had barely closed the door before they set upon her, tying up her ash blond curls, smothering her face in makeup, forcing her into the lovely yet excruciatingly painful dress and squeezing her feet into a pair of exquisite shoes. The whole process took just over three minutes – the wardrobe department was well practised in dressing a late Liss.

When they moved away to allow Liss to examine their efforts in the mirror the effect was sublime. Liss long and rebellious tresses had been tamed, so they now hung in loose curls that framed her innocent face. Her pale blue eyes had been wonderfully accentuated and her cheeks had just the right touch of rosy pink. The dress which she was wearing completed the picture of innocence and naivety – it was a lovely white dress with a puffball skirt and a pink ribbon that tied at her waist. Matching pink ribbons were used to tie her shoes to her slim ankles and the whole outfit was finished off with a long silver pendent that hung around her neck and shimmered as it caught the light.

“My dear you look …. marvellous. Simply marvellous.”

Liss spun around to see O’mal leaning in to examine her. His greedy eyes took in every aspect of her appearance, assessing it with an expert eye. Liss watched him carefully for any sign of displeasure and, finding none, she let out her breath in a sigh of relief.

“It’s the dress,” she said, by way of an explanation.

O’mal smiled. “It always is. Now go warm up with Tonan in the rehearsal room and be prepared to dazzle your audience. Do me proud my sweet.”

“Of course I will,” Liss replied dutifully, as she did every night.

O’mal smiled jovially at her, then he leant over her to place a delicate kiss upon each cheek and exited in a manner that could make even the most extravagant of performers jealous.

Liss watched him exit, before she followed him out of her dressing room and turned down the corridor to her rehearsal room. She entered to find that Tonan was already going through scales on his piano. He barely acknowledged her presence but she could tell from the slight change in his posture that he was pleased that she was there.

“Shall I begin?” she enquired teasingly, “Or shall I wait until you’ve played every single scale that exists?”

Tonan chuckled. “You can’t leave a scale unfinished,” he rebuked her with mock seriousness, “it leaves a strange feeling in the air.”

“You and your strange ideas,” Liss grinned playfully. Tonan just continued to smile.

Almost as soon as she had finished warming up, the two of them were called for their performance. Tonan entered first, bowing politely to the audience and seating himself before the piano to a smattering of applause. However, it was Liss for whom the real enthusiasm was saved. The moment she stepped onto the stage the audience went wild. They screamed and cheered for their beloved singer, deafening all those in the streets outside of the theatre as well as those within. Nevertheless, an immediate hush fell the moment Liss readied herself to begin.

Tonan began the performance with a pretty melody that was rather reminiscent of a bird song. Liss waited for her cue then joined in, trilling along. Then, quite suddenly, the sweet little tune became a magnificent piece of music, which soared and swirled to dizzying heights of delight. Her voice wove in and out of the music, singing a song of passion and glory, of battle and bloodshed that would rouse even the faintest heart to war.

The next change was more gradual – a slow change to a beautiful song of romance that had every member of the enthralled audience falling in love with the enchanting singer.

The last switch was to a sorrowful song that left everyone in tears of such profound sadness that any who were unaware of the true reason for their sorrow might have believed them all to have just experienced some terrible tragedy.

As the final soul-lifting note cascaded over the audience like a shower of rain, it was as if a spell had been lifted. For nearly a minute there was silence so complete that the theatre seemed empty. Then, like the gathering rumble of a storm, the applause began. It filled the theatre and spilled out uncontrollably onto the street where several illicit witnesses of the performance could not help but show their appreciation for the young girl they considered to be nothing more or less than a musical miracle.

Liss curtsied gratefully to her audience, blushing gratefully. With one final curtsey she escaped into the wings, making a desperate dash for her dressing room. She had been alone for barely a second when O’mal burst in, bounteous praise spilling from his lips.

“My dear that was fantastic! You were stupendous! Why even I was amazed and I hear you every night! It was a truly marvellous show and after that there can be no doubt!”

“No doubt of what?” Liss asked.

O’mal smiled the smile of someone who knows that the news he is delivering is sure to be received well. “Marchèn had expressed some interest in working with you and tonight he came to see your abilities for himself – and after that performance there can be no doubt that you will be playing the leading lady in his new opera!”

Liss stared at O’mal in shock. She was pressing her hand to her chest as if in attempt to control her erratic pulse and she found herself struggling to breathe, she was so overcome.

“Marchèn? Wants to work with me?”

The words came out a little strangled by her delight, but their real meaning was clear. Marchèn was, after all, the greatest composer in living memory and possibly before then. Liss might be popular but singers came and went with the changing of the seasons. But if she were to work with Marchèn … her future would be assured.

O’mal chuckled at her amazed response.

“Just make sure you don’t mess up when you perform again after the interview,” he warned her.

“Oh I won’t,” Liss assured him, her voice still filled with wonder. Suddenly, her face fell. “But what about Tonan? If I’m rehearsing for an opera then he won’t be able to accompany me any more. What will he do?”

“Don’t worry my dear. I’ve been trying to start Tonan on a solo career for years. This is the perfect opportunity.” O’mal told her, draping his arm around her shoulders.

Liss smiled happily. “Thank you O’mal,” she whispered.

“Don’t give it a thought my sweet,” he declared majestically, “It was nothing, nothing at all. I barely had to do a thing – you did most of it yourself.”

Liss smiled as she turned to the window. Seeing the green Earth moon glowing brightly, she could not help but think that the luck of the Mother was with her tonight.



Last edited by bkwrm on Sat Apr 19, 2008 1:45 pm; edited 6 times in total
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 3:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm going to be very picky on this one; otherwise I wouldn't have anything to say except how great of a writer you are.

Quote:
“Where is she?!” O’mal demanded, for the fourth time in the space of a minute.

I don't know why but the part I have in bold just doesn't seem right to me. Also, you don't need the comma after demanded.

Quote:
Normally a typical Bavarian, with that uncanny ability to take everything in his stride, his current frantic state was causing some consternation amongst the passing orchestras members, many of whom were giving him rather concerned looks.

Okay so the part in bold doesn't make sense. I can't really fix it for you but I can say that I might break it into two sentences changing a good bit of it.

I laughed out loud when he started shouting about her helping orphans. The character is well developed for never having seen him before.

Quote:
she always perfect anyway.”

I believe it should be she's.

Quote:
Liss span around to

That should be spun.

It was a very good chapter but I think you lost some of the magic that you had from the first chapter. Liss doesn't really interest me as a character. I would read on to be sure, but I would hope secretly that there were no more scenes with her in them. Unless, of course, she became more interesting.

Overall though your writing was great. Same fluid sentence structure as before. Same wonderful descriptions. You certainly are a wonderful writer.

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 4:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi again!

Okay, some nitpicks:

Bavaria is a German Province. This isn't set in our world you said, but I found it weird that he was described as "Bavarian"...

Quote:
Liss ghurried off obediently,


Shall I let you in on a secret? Ghurried isn't a word Wink

Quote:
“Or shall I wait until you’ve played every single scale that exits?”


You forgot the first s in exists.

Quote:
Tonan just continued t smile


there should be an "o" in there.

I think that was all. Apart from that, this didn't really follow on from your first chapter, although I understand maybe it wasn't supposed to. It flowed well and I enjoyed it. Nice job!

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 6:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for your crits Very Happy
Sorry about the typing mistakes - can't type well at all.
Bavaria exists? Sad Why are all the best place names taken? No wonder it sounded so good!

Anyway, I've made some of the suggested changes, but if you see any more problems tell me.
Bkwrm Very Happy
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 6:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmm...well, it seemed completely unconnected to the first bit, but it was still good. I'm an opera singer, so it was really fun and interesting for me to read, because I had a connection to it.

I thought the beginning was a little weak. We don't know anything about the normal O'mal, yet you're trying to build tension by saying that he's acting in an abnormal matter. Doesn't work, dear. Besides, even though at the beginning you say he has 'an uncanny ability to take everything in his stride,' later on you say that he berates Liss all the time when she's not there, which doesn't sound calm and accepting to me.

I thought Liss was a very promising charecter, but a little too much frosting and too little cake, if know what I mean. She's pretty and sweet and sings like a bird, and all the guys are in love/lust with her, but who is she really? How does she think? If you're planning on developing her charecter, you need to build more of a connection from her to the reader, so we sympathize with her plot. If you cry when you're reading the sad bit of a really good novel, it's because you care about what happens to the charecters! We can't care about them if we don't know them. But as I said, Liss has promise.

O'mal was a very good charecter. Even though you didn't describe his appearance, I still got the picture of a very tall, lanky type man, high energy and likeable. I hope that's what you wanted. Tolan was, again, a little milk-toastish for my liking. He needs to be explored for more interest in him to build.

Enough negative stuff. One bit I particularly liked:

Quote:
As the final soul-lifting note cascaded over the audience like a shower of rain, it was as if a spell had been lifted. For nearly a minute there was silence so complete that the theatre seemed empty. Then, like the gathering rumble of a storm, the applause began.


This is an incredible paragraph, luv! I adored the descriptions...you seem to have a real gift of describing sounds. I loved the parallels between the rain of the song to the storm of the audience.

Again, you have a great writing style that keeps the reader...well, reading. But you should work on charecter development. I think I'm probably being a big too demanding, though, because after only one chapter it's difficult to really develope your charecter. It's all just something to keep in mind for later.

One last thing (sorry, this critique is waxing epic! Razz) but I would've liked to see at least a small connection to the previous chapter. It seemed like an entire new story to me - a first chapter of a different novel.

Feel free to pm me with question, comments or (if you're feeling low) rotten tomatos!

Aurevoir ~ MademoiselleKool Cool

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 7:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ermm... these are the introductory chapters - so that you know who everyone is - which is why my characters aren't really developed yet, but I will definitely try to work on that as the story progresses.

I tried to connect the chapters - I finished with the moon in both, but I'd welcome suggestions on how to connect them better. My problem is that I need to introduce each of the three 'queens' and they don't have much in common at the moment.

Thanks a lot,
Bkwrm Smile
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