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Kisses in the Rain, Sunsets on the Water
Kisses in the Rain, Sunsets on the Water

by guitargrl1323 in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on March 14, 2008
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A Star and an Owl - Chap. 1 (Edited)

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KJ   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 6:29 pm    Post subject: A Star and an Owl - Chap. 1 (Edited) Reply with quote

This was just experimental. I don't think I'm going to continue it, unless I get some positive feedback. So I hope you like what little there is!

Chapter One

An owl made it's mournful call in the distance.

Jo turned at the sound, hoping to catch a glimpse of the bird, but it remained hidden in the leaves, in its haven. Jo knew it would come out when darkness fell, and it would feast. But as long as the suns rays’ fell down, it would stay where it was.

The girl sat on the rough and unyielding branch, still and silent with her crossbow resting across her knees. She waited for game to emerge from the bush and into the tempting meadow in front of her. Life teemed about her. Jo absorbed every sound, every movement. Her ears, keen as a bat's, could catch the faint trickle of a stream a mile or so away. Her eyes, as sharp as a hawks, could see a small poisonous caterpillar making its way up a tree across the wide clearing.

She refused to let her mind wander as she waited patiently. Even when Anders' face came to mind, she shoved it away firmly. Her cold blue eyes gazed out onto the golden grass. A sound came to her. She sharply turned to her left. A deer—a doe—was stirring about two miles away to the west. She could smell it. It would come here. In the doe’s mind she could feel its yearning for the grasses. Jo could feel the hunger rumbling in the deer’s stomach.

She shifted her position on the high tree branch, preparing herself. And she waited. The doe was slow. More cautious than a prancing young buck. When Jo closed her eyes she could see the she-deer lifting her wet nose and sniffing the air.

An hour passed. The deer constantly stopped to nibble on something. Jo ignored her sore muscles, tense for so long. The doe was coming closer now. A family of squirrels were climbing among the trees, bursting with energy after the long winter. Irritated, Jo sent a wave of silence over them. Their chattering ceased. Jo once again turned her attention back to the doe.

It finally stepped out from the woods. Jo smiled in cold triumph. The doe’s dark eyes scanned the bush, and the trees. Jo sat calm and unmoving, breathing as lightly and quietly as she could. The squirrels tried to start their noises once again but Jo kept her hold over them. She kept her eyes glued to the hesitant doe. After a moment, the deer walked gracefully to the middle of the clearing. She bent down and began to fill her stomach with the last meal she would ever eat.

Jo lifted her bow, and effortlessly pulled back the string, the arrow in place. The wind suddenly shifted. The doe caught Jo’s strange scent and quickly lifted its head. Jo could see the dark eyes dart in her direction. The doe slowly began to back away. Jo cursed under her breath. The deer’s ears flicked and caught her words. Panic took hold of the doe and she turned to run. Jo gritted her teeth.

“Come to me,” Jo muttered. The deer paused, and then continued to crash toward the bush. Jo closed her eyes and quickly sent a wave of ease over the squirrels. Their chatter began once again instantly. The sound reached the long ears of the doe and she paused once again. She lifted her nose and tried to catch Jo’s scent again.

Jo’s arm ached from holding back the arrow for so long, but she waited. The deer slowly stepped forward. She turned and bent down to eat. Jo grinned, and released her arrow.

It shot straight and true. Jo lowered her bow with relief and hopped from the tree. She walked up and eyed her prize. The doe had been an old deer, older than Jo had thought, but there was plenty of meat on her. Jo brushed her tangled bangs back and smiled in satisfaction. There would be food on the table tonight.

- - -

Jo sat in the shadows. The fire before her snapped and crackled. She watched her mother and grandmother bustle about the small two-room cottage. Jo turned the meat on its perch over the heat of the flames.

“Mama, it’s done,” she said quietly. As her mother approached, Jo melted back into the dark.

“Oh, good, good.” Aemilia carefully removed the deer meat from the fire and set it down on a prepared plate. “We’ll eat handsomely tonight!” She announced.

Jo didn’t reply; her eyes were on her grandmother. “Your back is bothering you again, Grandmamma,” Jo said.

The older woman threw a glare at Jo. “My back is just fine. I don’t need anyone worrying over me,” She snorted. Jo sighed and leaned back against the wall.

Aemilia brought the plate over to the small table and set it down. “Come and eat!” Jo’s grandmamma slowly walked over and lowered herself to one of the rickety chairs. Jo followed reluctantly. Aemilia started to cut the food.

“I wish you would let me help,” Jo said and looked down at her lap. Her hands were clenched tightly. Her mother didn’t look up at her.

“We’ve been over this, Jo,” She sat down. “Now, let’s thank the gods for our food they saw fit to send to us.”

“You’re overlooking the fact that I shot the deer,” Jo said crossly.

Aemilia narrowed her eyes. “And the gods sent it across your path, so hush your tongue.” Jo pursed her lips, struggling with her anger.

“I promise to try harder… just give me another chance, Mama. I hate watching you and Grandmamma working so hard,” Jo pleaded with her eyes. Aemilia’s eyes were hard.

“No, Joceline. The less you do the better. Last time you stubbed your toe the table caught on fire,” She nodded to the half-burnt leg that their meat was placed on.

Jo clenched her jaw as her unyielding anger threatened to overwhelm her. It rose higher and higher within her. Jo’s eyes flared from blue to bright green. Green fire started to form in the air. Aemilia shrieked and jumped up from her chair. Jo managed to smother it immediately.

“This is what I’m talking about!” She screeched. Grandmamma frowned at her daughter.

“Sit down, Aemilia,” She snapped. Aemilia sat back down and glared at Jo so furiously that Jo fought tears. Remorse choked her.

“Mama—I didn’t mean—”

“You never mean to, Joceline.” Aemilia rested her head on her hands. She shuddered. “Why would the gods give me—”

“Oh, hush your own tongue,” Jo’s grandmamma interrupted. Aemilia stood up abruptly.

“I can see that tonight is going to be like any other night in this family. I’m not going to sit here and wait to be roasted to death,” with a pointed look at Jo, Aemilia turned and walked out of the cottage.

Jo stood to follow her.

“Oh, leave her be, child.” Grandmamma ordered impatiently. Jo bit her lip and slowly sat back down.

“Why does she despise me so, Grandmamma?” The old woman cut a chunk off the meat and stuck it in her mouth. She chewed.

“Good food.” She said to herself. Jo sighed and began to eat. Silence passed between them. The only sound in the small room was the clinking of their forks against the plates.

Jo struggled. Would she always be the village outcast? What did she have to do to prove to them all that she wasn’t a witch? She thought of all the old women hustling to the other side of the road when she appeared. Even her own mother deserted her when they reached the outskirts of the village.

“She doesn’t despise you.” Her grandmother said. Jo jumped.

“What?” She asked dumbly. The old woman scowled.

“Why weren’t you paying attention, girl? I’m not about to repeat myself.”

Jo pushed her plate away. She’d only been picking at the meat anyway. “I’m sorry, Grandmamma. I heard you.”

“Then I can tell you that the only reason she treats you like she does is because she’s just scared.”

Jo pushed back her tears. “Scared?” She stood. The old woman just watched her small wise eyes.

“Yes. You’ll understand one day, child.”

Jo nodded in agreement. “One day. Not today.” She turned and walked out.



Last edited by KJ on Sat Mar 15, 2008 4:36 pm; edited 1 time in total
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ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 12:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't really understand what time this is taking place in...maybe you could be clearer on that but otherwise i think you should continue this...it seems like you have a nice start here! keep it up!

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 12:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, let's get started.
Quote:
Jo turned at the sound, hoping to catch a glimpse of the bird. But it remained hidden in the...

You don't need to separate these sentences with a period. All you need is a comma
Quote:
Her ears could catch the faint trickle of a stream a mile or so away as good as a bats ears could. Her eyes, as sharp as a hawks, could see a small poisonous caterpillar making its way up a tree across the wide clearing.

Do the first sentence like the second one. So start it like 'Her ears, as keen as a bat's, could hear a...' I added the word 'keen' word for the heck of it. You don't need it though.
Quote:
Last time you stubbed your toe the table caught on fire.

I'm guessing you mean that she can make fire when in pain, but I had to read it a good amount of times to get that. For a while I thought it was a grammatical mistake. I truthfully don't know what you should do with it. In fact, maybe its just me. Until you get another's opinion about it don't change it.

Overall this was pretty dang cool. I liked it. I'd read and review the next parts if you wrote them. I like the fact that she's an outcast and has this mysterious power she can't control. This could lead to an interesting storyline and I hope you continue it.

Edit: I think I can answer your question ashleylee. They use the word 'village' to describe where she lives, so its probably in olden times. Also, she's using a bow to hunt. That's still done today but not nearly as much. They also said they cooked the deer over a fire. Once again, still done today but not widely. Lastly, she shot a doe. In modern times that would be illegal, so it has to be a ways back. Overall, I'd guess this is during the times of kingdoms and such.

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 5:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks mikedb1492, I see that now. I guess at first I thought it could be stationed in like now but then I read the part about being a witch and now i see that it is during the time of kingdoms and witches and such.

Hey kelsey, I really think you should continue this. I really enjoyed reading it! you should totally tell me if you are or not. Tell me when I see you on thursday or something! Smile

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 10:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll think about it =P

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 2:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hehe, don't we love beginnings that may never be completed? Smile

Anyway! Things to keep in mind in the future:

You can't just eat deer. I mean, I guess you can, but you have to butcher the animal first, so it's not like, "Oh, I caught a deer, let's eat!" Read more about butchering a deer.

And maybe I am wrong, but deer come out mostly at dawn or in the evening, when I believe squirrels are either just waking up or already asleep. Squirrels are mostly day animals. I'm not sure whether it's dawn or dusk or night, so I am not sure, but the owl cry really doesn't make sense, given the circumstance.

And I don't see why she, being a big hunter, wouldn't at least roll around in the ground to disguise her scent.

So yeah. Research a little nature first. Smile

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