Topic ID: 27154
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
DavidJones
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 08 Apr 2008
Posts: 11
Reviews: 4
Country: USA, Oregon
300 Points
|
 Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 6:58 am Post subject: |
 |
|
I think it is way to short, personally.
Alot of people added some good things, but some things i think there should be fixed/added into the story are: How do Salianne's differ from Nydian? Are Nydian's taller? darker? Do they speak another language? Who explains why she didnt die? and why, if everyone hates her. you could simply add the smells people have, or the cell's smell itslelf for more discripton. |
_________________
∞David∞
============
Procrastination is the thief of time
-Edward Young |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
JCobsesed
*Ask me for critiques!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 25 Jan 2007
Posts: 976
Reviews: 456
Country: In the depths of insomnia
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 7:42 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
| Mother told me not to stare, that it was rude. But come on, it was an object. |
I think this should be one sentence.
| Quote: |
| It was the Gate, the reason we were at war and the cause of weakness. |
This would be more dramatic if you used a bigger pause here. Like, it was the Gate- the reason we were at war and cause of weakness. Or if you don't like dashes, a colon or semi-colon would probably do the job just as well.
| Quote: |
| You couldn’t knock on it. |
First of all, you don't knock on a knocker anyways, second, you already stated that it was just for show, so you don't need this sentence.
| Quote: |
| I screamed with fear, but I just got kicked in the leg. |
This sentence seems weird to me. You say 'I' too many times, I think. You could change it to something like,
"I screamed with fear, but was kicked in the leg." or
"I screamed with fear, but was only kicked in the leg."
| Quote: |
Feedback Questions:
1. Do you think it's to short/quick?
2. What do you think of the description? Do I need more?
3. Would you read chapter 1 when I post it? |
1. I think that you started out at a nice pace, but once she got in the jail, a lot of character development opportunities were passed up, and it just got way too quick. For example, the rape scene should definently be shown, just because it will give us sympathy for the MC, and give you a chance to show some of her emotions. Also, you should show the others giving her a hard time, calling her names, and saying things. Those were things better shown, than told.
2. See above statement.
3. Yes, I think I will read chapter one. I'm not normally one for fantasy, but this rings origionalty. However when the dragons and elves come in to save her, I'm gonna have some problems. ;P
_______________________________________
I think you did a good job introducing an origional idea for a fantasy story. I haven't read fantasy since I wrote it, thinking it was all the same, but you've proved me wrong, congratulations.
I would definently encourage you to continue with this, and I'll continue reading.
Keep up the good work,
-JC |
_________________
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
-Voltaire |
|
| Back to top |
|
Azila
One at a Time...
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 23 Jul 2007
Posts: 940
Reviews: 484
Country: The Valley of the Wind
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 2:46 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hello! I only skimmed the other peoples' reviews, so I might repeat stuff... but please find it in your heart to forgive me. 
-Nitpicks-
| Quote: |
| So tall that it would be impossible to climb, and so wide you couldn’t see the end. |
Eh... I would keep it in the first person (I, mine, etc), if I were you, rather than switching to second (you, yours, etc) at the end there.
| Quote: |
| There was had an emerald knocker, just for show. |
You should either delete the "had," or change the "there was" to "it." I don't know if that makes sense... why don't I show you? Either "There was an emerald knocker, just for show." or "It had an emerald knocker, just for show."
| Quote: |
| You couldn’t knock on it. |
Again, I say you should stick to the first person.
| Quote: |
| Around the outside there were all sorts of jewels. Diamonds, rubies, sapphires, lapis lazuli, opals and garnets, as well as ones I couldn’t name. |
The period after "jewels" should be a colon, methinks.
| Quote: |
| There were bars on the doors, just wide enough apart that I could see the guard’s feet when he walked up and down. |
Either you should say something like "...up and down the sandy lane," or just "...back and forth."
| Quote: |
| ‘I’m a prisoner of war,’ I thought to myself. ‘Oh God, what will happen to Mother when she finds out? And- and what about me? What about when the gate closes? What will happen then?’ |
I would put thoughts in italics, rather than quotes...
| Quote: |
| The rest were Nydian prisoners, and even they had committed horrendous crimes, they turned their noses up at me. |
I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say here... either "The rest were Nydian prisoners, and even THOUGH they had committed horrendous crimes, they turned their noses up at me." or "The rest were Nydian prisoners, and even they had committed horrendous crimes. They turned their noses up at me."
| Quote: |
They did that to everyone, but I was the only one they raped.
|
I agree with Runawaythoughts: you mention this too lightly. Either get rid of it completely, or elaborate... you don't have to elaborate with physical details, but rather emotion.
| Quote: |
| The war ended a few months afterwards. |
And then, a bit later...
| Quote: |
| Mother would have known by now, it had been days. |
How much time actually passed?
| Quote: |
| Was father killed in the war? |
"father" should be uppercase, because you're using it like a proper noun, or name... if you said "my father" then it could be lowercase because it's just a normal noun.
| Quote: |
| I bet he was, most soldiers were. |
I think that comma should be a semi-colon.
| Quote: |
| I wanted to die. I was miserable and lonely, but I didn’t. |
This would be more powerful if you punctuated it more like this: "I wanted to die; I was miserable and lonely. But I didn’t."
| Quote: |
| Finally it was explained to me. There was a magic in the cell that kept me alive. |
The period after "me" should be a colon, methinks.
_________________________
1. Do you think it's to short/quick? Yes. In a way, I liked it, because it makes it seem like a distant memory that the narrator/MC can only barely remember, but in a way a don't like it at all. Try stretching it out with imagery and emotion -- even if she doesn't remember the events clearly, she would still remember how she felt and where she was, and how long she was there, and what it looked like, and, and, and...
2. What do you think of the description? Do I need more? Yep. *pokes answer to question #1* you could definitely use more description... and not only visual--I would like to know more about how it smells, feels, sounds, even how the food tastes. I want to have something in my mind -- some mental picture. Of course, don't go crazy with it if you don't want to. The main thing that you should describe is emotion. If you show us her emotions, we will understand her more, relate to her more, and that will help a lot with the fact that she's cardboard right now (as Wolf said).
3. Would you read chapter 1 when I post it? Well, because you asked me to, I will. But I'm not sure if I would have otherwise, just because (unlike JCobsessed) I feel like there is nothing original about this piece -- nothing unique to make me love it. If you spice up your MC's character a bit, and make us love/hate her (whichever is your intention) then there will be something to grab us and make us eager to read on.
Oh, and one minor problem I noticed: the only thing you really say about Nydia is that it smells like tar. Wouldn't she be able to smell that from the other side of the gate? Even if it's really high, I would think that she'd be able to smell the tar.
PM me if you have any questions/comments concerning my critique!
Hope this helps.
~Azila~ |
_________________
Want a critique?
"If there's ever a war without blood and gore, I'll be the first to go." --Phil Ochs (1940-1976) |
|
| Back to top |
|
Alainna
A crit a day keeps the YWS monster away
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 26 Feb 2007
Posts: 1639
Reviews: 396
Country: England
360 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 3:46 pm Post subject: |
|
|
OK, so you asked me for a critique and here I am! Now, it won't be in-depth as so many other people have pointed out the major and some of the minor faults that there is no point in me repeating them. Instead, I will just give you some points of advice and my general opinion.
- Characters: I feel very little for your MC which is not a good sign. For me to want to read this I need to be absorbed in her story and I need to empathise with her; which I don't at all. The only way of making the reader empathise is............
-Description/Emotion: .....to add more of this. As it stands, you start off well, with some nice description of jewels etc and then suddenly it's like you are rushing to post the thing so you don't have to think about it anymore. The way I think you could think of this, so that you get all the description in, is as a TV drama. What I mean by this is that you have to play it through your mind, scene by scene and just write down everything you see. Then, jazz it up with some of your great writing techniques and slot it into your story. That way we know more of what you can see in your mind when you write this. Remember: Sight, smells, sounds, touch, taste.
As to emotion, you have to think of yourself in that position. If you were kidnapped I'm sure you would not be so...blase about it. Fill your story with her thoughts and emotions; the beating of her heart, her tears burning her cheeks etc.
-Plot: It's a bit all over the place. Sometimes you info-dump, sometimes the reader is left wondering what's going on. You need to structure things more and don't just jump from one main point to another. One second she's kidnapped, the next she's raped and suddenly the 'war' is over. We need fillers, we need to see and not be told and we need to feel.
1) I do think that it is all a bit quick and too sudden. Don't be afraid to bulk it up and perhaps turn it into two parts.
2) As I have already said...YES!!!! Please put in more description because us readers would love you for it!!
3) I'm off to read it now.....
Overall, you need to work on this. I like the idea of gates and two worlds and although it's been done before I'm still intrigued to see where this is going. I like your writing Rosie and you have potential, just don't feel like you have to rush your posts.
Keep writing!
Alainna
xx |
_________________
Sanity is for the unimaginative.
Got YWS?
Need a critique, fellow YWS-ers? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Dynamo
Master of Plot Devices
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 20 Jan 2006
Posts: 1988
Reviews: 87
Country: A wizard did it.
290 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 9:09 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I personally think it was a little too short and two dimensional. A little more description on your part would help make it a little more three dimensional. Also, I like how you're not afraid to mention your character being raped. Words have power, and the moment I read that one word the seriousness of your character's situation really sunk in. Don't be afraid to write more about things like that, it'll help make all your writing three dimensional. |
_________________
"You should try thinking outside the box once in a while."
"Hey, the box is there for a reason. I like thinking inside of it, I feel safe in there." |
|
| Back to top |
|
weekend_warrior
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 25
Joined: 31 Jul 2007
Posts: 39
Reviews: 13
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Apr 18, 2008 4:08 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Very Interesting.
Feedback Questions:
1. Do you think it's to short/quick?
2. What do you think of the description? Do I need more?
3. Would you read chapter 1 when I post it?
-I think the length is fine.
-Good descriptions, better than most I've read around the forums. However, the infusion of some colorful words would add some icing to the cake.
-Yes. Please PM me. |
_________________
James
Soldier, Student |
|
| Back to top |
|
Saint Razorblade
Team SPEW
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 16 Oct 2006
Posts: 1876
Reviews: 478
Country: A ship! With me crew!
347 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 10:37 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hey Choco! Sorry this took me so long, I kinda forgot. >.<
But! Better late than never, right? 
| Quote: |
| but come on, it was an object. |
I don't like the presence of "come on" there. It bugs me and doesn't really sit with the tone of the rest of your piece. I recommend getting rid of it.
A bit of inconsistency here -- you capitalised "gate" before, but now it's lowercase? Odd.
*Random note* Looking into describing the Gate a bit more might help -- some more description about the surroundings, what the character is feeling, etc, might be a good idea. Just a suggestion.
And yeah, showing versus telling -- I'm kind of bored while reading this. Where's the fun in being told that your character now has a bag over their head? Where's the emotion? I assume they'd be panicking. You need to put in description of that kind of thing -- what's going trhough their mind?
| Quote: |
| I’m a prisoner of war, I thought to myself. Oh God, what will happen to Mother when she finds out? And- and what about me? What about when the gate closes? What will happen then? |
Thoughts are always in italics. 
*scans the rest* Honestly? Boring. There's hardly any emotion here. What's going through your character's head? They're a prisoner of war, why aren't they panicking? Are they planning ways to escape? You briefly touch on their thoughts, but you never really get into the juicy stuff. I recommend adding in more emotion so that this will *really* hook your reader.
| Quote: |
Feedback Questions:
1. Do you think it's to short/quick?
2. What do you think of the description? Do I need more?
3. Are you going to read chapter one? |
1. Yes. It needs to be longer, with more emotion.
2. Definitely. Sensory and emotion. I feel like a broken record. xD
3. Yes, but only because you asked me to.
PM me if you have any questions! Apologies if this feels rushed. ^^
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate  |
_________________
"Woohoo! I was a homeless blackout drunk!" - Craig Ferguson
"Thank you for choosing Saint Razorblade Stick Beatings, where we really stick it to you - with a stick!" -Mattster |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
