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JFW1415
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 Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 2:20 am Post subject: All Eyes On Us [Edited on 3/18/08] |
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This is part of a collection of 100 short stories, some more like rambles. It is for a challenge on LJ that I never officially entered, since I don’t have a LJ account, but am completing anyway. They supply a list of 100 phrases/words that are to be your prompt. Using the same character, you write something on them.
Currently being edited. |
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Last edited by JFW1415 on Mon Jul 21, 2008 6:01 pm; edited 8 times in total |
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bamagirl11
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| Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 2:30 am Post subject: |
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this was fantastic!!
really great to read i was mezmorized in a trance!!
brillaint!! |
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| Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 3:21 am Post subject: |
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i only didnt understand this sentence: Ha, it seems to be saying. He’ll sit next to me, but he’ll never next to you. (im an idiot and dont know how to quote properly, sorry)
maybe you forgot a word or something, i dont know, but it doesnt read well to me.
other than that i was really interested in the story, and i hope there's much more to read. im curious about what's going on.
-Kiki |
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Izzyeyore
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| Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 3:37 am Post subject: |
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Oh. my. goodness!
I LOVED THAT!!!!!!!
more? 
(the bag is talking) |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 10:47 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for the reviews! Yeah, I forgot the word 'sit.' 
I have a few other things I'm also going to edit, and I'll post the revised one later.  |
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In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you? |
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Stella Thomas
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| Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 7:53 pm Post subject: |
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The only thing I have to object to is where you say that the skin on his neck stretches. It freaks me out and it's all... sinewy sounding. Perhaps you could just say his neck curves or something? Sorry, I'm weird like that.
Other than that, loved it so much... |
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Leja
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| Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 8:04 pm Post subject: |
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What I noticed right off the bat is that almost every sentence begins with a pronoun and after a while, it really starts to weight the story down.
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| the skin over his neck stretching slightly, then looks ahead once more. |
I agree; "stretches" sounds a little creepy. Maybe look to a brief description here instead of a one-word adjective.
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I force myself not to glance at him. People are still watching, they are still whispering. They live for this stuff; they thrive off of gossip. If I asked any adult, they would say it was all in my head, that no one had been paying us any mind, but I know better.
I know that all eyes had been on us. |
There was no indication of this anywhere else in the story. Were people watching all along, or just when they noticed that the other girl hadn't sat with the boy either? This could be fleshed out a little more. Ex:
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Everyone knows what's going on, everyone knows what I have to lose. I lick my lips quickly; they have seemed to grow dry over the last few seconds. I take a deep breath, then begin to slip my bag off my shoulder to sit with him. I look down, and my body freezes. |
Use more of this throughout the story. If the reader no longer hears outside comments from the others on the bus, she'll often forget they're there.
All in all, a solid short story. Good luck on your other 97 stories! |
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| Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 2:23 am Post subject: |
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You ask, I critique!
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I climb up the three steps, my bag weighing down on my shoulders. I reach the top and pause, turning to look down the aisle for him. His eyes meet mine for a moment, then return to the back of the head in front of him. He sits closest to the window, and no one is beside him.
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The first thing I noticed is that all these sentences have a comma in them. For some reason, more than three (sometimes four) phrases in a row either with or without a comma/s really bug me. It's really just personal preference but I think you could try a reword: I climb up the three steps to the bus, my bag weighing down on my shoulders. I reach the top -- pause -- and turn to look down the aisle for him. His eyes meet mine for a moment, then return to the back of the head in front of him. He sits closest to the window. No one is beside him.
In fact, you could even put that last sentence in italics to infer that it's important, or just for a more dramatic effect XP
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He’ll sit next to me, but he’ll never next to you.
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Maybe put a 'sit' between 'never' and 'next'?
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My jaw is set, and I gaze uncaringly straight ahead.
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There's something awkward about this sentence. If I were you, I'd try: My jaw is set, and I gaze straight ahead with an indifferent air. Or at least what I hoped was an indifferent air.
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This is neat. It's very easy to read and it flows well, the character development is pretty good, and I could picture it pretty clearly in my mind. But not very clearly. There wasn't really any description and I think you might want to work on that a bit. What does the narrator look like, and how does she feel about her appearance? Could her physical traits be a reason why no one would want to sit beside her?
Also, I agree with Leja that it's kind of annoying that you start off almost every sentence with a pronoun. The prose itself is very clean and simple -- almost boring due to a lack of poetic language/imagery. You should use the five senses more to create a more vivid mental image. How do the bus seats feel -- rough, leather, scratchy? You know, more sensual description. Does she feel afraid, or what? Ashamed?
You also do more telling than showing. This kind of ties in with the starting a ton of sentences with a pronoun, though, so I won't bug you about it.
Overall, I like it. It's generally well-written and quite solid throughout the story.  Keep it up!
Cheers,
Camille xx |
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KJ
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| Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 4:50 pm Post subject: |
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I don't understand why the kids were making such a big deal about her sitting beside him. Was she dared to the day before or something?
And what age are these kids? A little immature, if you ask me, to laugh at her for not having the courage to sit next to some guy.
This was well-written, but I need reasons for why the others kids act the way they do, for why that boy snubbed her, for why the main character is such a reject. |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 12:44 am Post subject: |
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| KJ wrote: |
I don't understand why the kids were making such a big deal about her sitting beside him. Was she dared to the day before or something?
And what age are these kids? A little immature, if you ask me, to laugh at her for not having the courage to sit next to some guy.
This was well-written, but I need reasons for why the others kids act the way they do, for why that boy snubbed her, for why the main character is such a reject. |
Well, the whole point of this was to show how a lot of teens (myself included) can become very self-conscious and think that everyone's watching, when in reality, no one is.
Was this not clear? If not, can someone please give me suggestions on how to fix it? Considering it was the whole point of this promt.
This has been updated as of today, 3/18/08. |
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In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you? |
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| Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 1:19 am Post subject: |
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You know, this was not bad, really! Not that I intend to put down other posters on this forum, but this appeals to me in a way. Yes, we've seen this premise before, and it has been executed better, but I don't experience the Cringe of clichés that much. Actually, I didn't go through it at all.
I like your exaggeration of outside reactions. It makes the vulnerability of the character much more believable because unless this town suffers from a high rate of deaths due to boredom, no reader will really be convinced that anyone but the protagonist truly cares what she's doing. Despite the lack of action, I already somewhat like the character, which is a feat, because most stories on this particular forum go too fast and usually don't explain the character artfully. Plus, I love you for the few spelling and grammatical errors.
I don't see this as a really good long story, but as a short story, it really isn't that bad at all. |
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| Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 2:39 am Post subject: |
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I think that it's now just about as close to perfect as you can get
My only issue is this one:
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| her voice a little rugged from running to the bus. |
rugged connotes outdoorsy-ness and five o'clock shadows on men just returning from a hiking trip, to me at least. Maybe this would be better:
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| her voice a little ragged from running to the bus. |
Haha sorry about the nitpicky comment there, but other than that, I really liked this and look forward to reading more of your work, I love how this one is on the edge of being a satirical play on popularity keep it up! |
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| Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 2:52 am Post subject: |
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Wow. That was good, when I was reading I was sorta in a trance. The ending was perfect, dramatic (I do like dramaticness, if its not over done). I agree with Izzeyore though, Ragged instead of rugged.
I would love to see more of your short stories, they rock! |
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kitty15
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 1:33 pm Post subject: |
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This flowed really well and it develops the persona's character further but I think you need to work on description and I think you need to build up the tension more. Does Katherine hesitate upon first stepping onto the bus. Has she already made up her mind to try and sit with him, is she unsure or is this a spur of the moment thing when she sees that the seat next to him is free. Does Katherine maybe fidgit with her hair as she walks down the bus, think it feels greasy to her hands or does she try to brush a crease from her clothes that only she can see?
How is she dressed? Is she ashamed that she has on her worst pair of jeans that are too baggy or that her top has a slight stain on it - does she worry he'll see? Or is she maybe pleased that she decided to wear her new trainers that day and that her hair is swept up in a ponytail so her face can be seen - then not so pleased afterwards because she can't hide behind it? I think you need to show the reader her thoughts more and build up the question of whether or not she'll be able to sit there.
In general, it's good. You have a good sense of character and it's written well and flows smoothly but add in some more description. Colour of seats might help a little and more physical description of who she likes and of Katherine herself. Maybe a little of the driver? Is she perhaps just a touch irritated with the driver for not setting off sooner so the girl didn't get on and come sit next to her?
Good luck with the other 97!
Heather xx |
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| Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 4:46 pm Post subject: |
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Hey! I think you posted this in my 'Want a review thread' a while back.
So... I loved the start. That bit caught my attention and I loved your use of the present tense. I must say also that I found all of your 'end-of-paragraph' lines to be very effective, and a great piece of dramatic writing.
I really enjoyed that--it was a great piece of romance. Good luck with the competition, and in fact, the other 99! I love the sense of character development, and the smooth writing style.
The ending was powerful and I believe it flowed very well with the sense of emotions built in the story.
I enjoyed that, well done!
~Mark |
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