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Getting Out
Getting Out

by Cat_910 in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on March 9, 2008
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HarborVille Prologue

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 12:37 am    Post subject: HarborVille Prologue Reply with quote

Yeah, I know that this is a copy of the SB Harborville, but it inspired me to write this. Right now, I think that it would be just fine as a flash fiction, but I might just open it up to be a murder mystery. I am really in love with it all right now. So this would be the prologue, if I decide to finish the rest of the story.

Now, none of this is actually written in Harborville SB... so... yeah. Thanks for reading!-

HarborVille

“Pull ‘em up, ‘arry!” Thompson shouted roughly. His long, gray beard was becoming soaked by the heavy rain that was pouring down into his fishing boat. He yanked on a lever and the mechanical arm slowly lifted out of the stormy sea.

Harry, who was down on the deck, was struggling with the many ropes that were tied to the arm. All of the ropes, however, were connected to a net on the arm. The net was black, but he could still see the numerous fish squirming to break loose.

“Let ‘em go!” Thompson shouted up from the control box. Harry nodded and pulled on the rope, releasing the fish onto the deck. It made a horrible thumping sound as every fish landed brutally.

As Harry started grabbing the fish, he saw Thompson running down to the deck. The rain was getting thick, too. It was pouring harder than it was yesterday. It must have been, Harry thought as a fish squirmed out of his hand. He caught it and tucked it into his arms.

When he was loaded, he dumped them into an icebox, where they would be shipped off to the HarborVille’s marketplace. Harry turned around to pick up another handful of fish when he saw something.

At first, he couldn’t make it out. His eyes must have been playing tricks on him. After all, he had been in the ocean for over three days and was getting a bit woozy. But still…

Uncertain of himself, he walked a little closer and bent down. The liquid was dark red. Blood, perhaps. That wasn’t so uncommon. They were storing fish; there was bound to be blood.

Except that this blood wasn’t from any fish. As he followed the red stream, his eyes landed on an arm. A human arm. Harry pulled back and stared out into the sea.

No. That couldn’t be right! There couldn’t be an arm! He looked again and covered his mouth as he caught a glimpse of the whole figure.

“Th – Thompson! Come, quick! There is something you need to see!” Harry shouted and looked up. Thompson was loading fish into the icebox, just like he should be doing. The man turned his head and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a… uh, it’s a body, captain.”

Thompson shifted his position and scrunched up his face. The rain pounded against his skin like hail. “What d’ya mean, a body? A people body?”

Harry nodded and looked down again. Fish were covering it, but he could still make out the head. The eyelids were covering the eyes and the nose was dented. No, Harry though. Dented wasn’t the right word. Destroyed was more like it.

It was as if there was no nose. It lay completely against the woman’s face, as if it had been pounded there.

Thompson quickly strode towards Harry and looked at the body. His eyes flitted across her figure.

“Pick ‘er up. We need to report this.” Thompson took one last look at the body and turned around. He sped across the deck and up into the control room. Harry bent down and shifted some dead fish off of the woman’s figure.

It was then that he noticed that the woman was naked. Completely nude. Flushing, he turned his face away. He shouldn’t be looking at this, he knew. It was these kinds of things that pervert the mind and spirit.

Grimacing and looking away, he slid his hand underneath her spine and lifted her up. Carefully, he placed her on his shoulder. He felt very uncomfortable as he placed his hand on her back and her leg.

“Just ignore her,” he said to himself. He quickly glanced at Thompson, who was on the radio, phoning for the police. He motioned for Harry to join him.

As he carted her up the stairs, he became embarrassingly aware of the body parts that he was touching. He bit his bottom lip and halted such thoughts. Those were not the things that a preacher’s son would want to think about! How dare he even begin to think such thoughts!

“Here, Thompson… I… need to go,” Harry said quickly, and laid the body on the table. He looked down and exited the room, while Thompson reported the body.

*

He had found a body! In the fishing lines! But how could he have? Just a fisherman from HarborVille… he never had any luck with catching fish. But catching a body! Catching a body of a –

It was then that he realized the obvious. He had caught a dead body. The woman was dead. That means that someone had killed her. That means that someone and killed her and tossed her into the ocean!

The boat tilted and it sent waves crashing into the deck. Harry put his hand up to his forehead. If Thompson reported the dead body, then the press would be all over the boat. They would delay his work, and he wouldn’t get the money he needed. He wouldn’t get the food on the table for Carla. Oh, she would be sorely disappointed in him.

If Thompson reported the dead body, Carla would be angry. She might leave him again. Harry couldn’t have that. Thompson could not report her.

Harry stared at Thompson as he talked over the radio. He had to stop him. But how? He could try and convince him to toss the body back into the water. No… Thompson wouldn’t do that. The chance to be on television would mean the world to him. And this was his chance.

Harry didn’t see any other option than to do it. Yes, Harry would have to do him in.

Quickly, Harry skidded across the deck, fish flying everywhere. He didn’t care. He would clean them up later. Where was the knife? Where was the gutter?

He opened a toolbox that was secured in its place and fumbled around until he found it – a short knife that he used to gut the fish. Harry closed the toolbox and slid the knife into his raincoat. Then he slowly made his way up to the stairs, and into the control room.

*

“’arry? ‘arry? Where’d that blasted kid go? ‘arry?” Thompson bellowed. He glanced at the naked woman that was laid across the table. She was beautiful.

Her form was stunning, and everything was in the perfect proportion. Perhaps she had been raped? Raped and then thrown into the sea. It sounded reasonable.

“Poor angel,” he whispered. Thompson stroked her cheek gingerly with the back of his calloused finger. Harry appeared in the doorway. His hand was tucked in his pocket, and his eyes flitted across the room.

“There you are. Listen, kid, the police is comin’ and I need you to pick up the rest of the fish, you hear? Just clean up the deck, and make it look present’ble.”

Harry didn’t move. He stared at Thompson.

“Whadda you doing, ‘arry? Go clean up like I told you!” Thompson yelled. Suddenly, Harry pulled out the gutter and advanced toward him. His skin turned to ice and he backed away.

“What are you doing? Put that thing away!” Thompson cried. His eyes were shaking uncontrollably.

Harry continued to walk forward, very slowly. The gutter was held out in front of him, reading to pierce the old man.

“I’ll ‘ave you for this! Oh, yes I will! You’ll be fired and never to return to this ship!” Thompson retorted. He roared and bounded into Harry, whose eyes widened in surprise.

It all happened rather quickly. Thompson bounded into Harry, and he plunged the knife into the captain. Thompson made a strange noise as blood trickled from his belly.

Harry twisted the gutter and grinned. He slowly pulled it out and plunged it through Thompson’s gut again.

*

Shortly after, Harry dragged the two bodies out of the control room and threw them over the edge of the fishing boat. Each one made a satisfying splash as they hit the water. Harry grunted and spit. He turned around and walked back into the control room.

Grabbing the steering wheel, he flipped the boat around and sailed off into the horizon, away from HarborVille and Clara. She would have to wait.

For now.

*

Thanks for reading, yall!

-Jared


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Last edited by BigBadBear on Mon Mar 10, 2008 4:52 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 2:01 am    Post subject: Re: HarborVille Prologue Reply with quote

This was intriguingly interesting, and spine-chillingly realistic... Congratulations! haha there were a few minor mistakes i spotted:

BigBadBear wrote:
There couldn’t an arm!


just add the be, obviously

and some others that i cant seem to find >.<

I haven't read anything like this in a while, and you HAVE to finish it! You can't leave someone hanging on a mystery of all things!

Now for some quick comments and compliments, first of all I really like the embarrassment of the main character when he sees the naked body. it really ties it to something real and shows a strong character point. I always hate how books never touch on things like that, leaving you feeling that the characters are cardboard.

also, the murder of the old man really intrigues me, especially coming from the preacher's son! it makes me want to see the reasons behind it.

one last thing, the names? not too crazy about. Mostly the Harry and Granger which of course reminds people of Harry Potter, i would suggest changing one, or both.

write more!

-your #1 fan

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 4:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Haha! I didn't even realize the Harry Potter connection there with the names! I'm glad that you caught that! I guess I'll go and change Granger to something else...

Hm...

Thanks, Cat! Any other comments are well appreciated!

-Jared

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 6:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Jared! Here are my comments:


Quote:
“What d’ya mean, a body? A people body?”
XD XD XD XD XD XD XD


Quote:
No, Harry though
Harry thought


Quote:
of him, reading to pierce the
readying




Yay! Go Harry! Razz This was pretty good, make these changes, and changes that the others give, then respost it and see what else you can fix. Smile

I'll crit it again if you respost it if you want. Smile


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 6:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*has ingested a can of Coke and is now quite calm*

Heh. Wink

Quote:
All of the ropes, however, were connected to a net on the arm.

The repetition of "the arm" bugs the living daylights out of me. I'm kinda nitpicky about stuff like that. xD

Quote:
It made a horrible thumping sound as every fish landed brutally.

I just generally don't like the way this sentence is worded. Something like "Each fish landed with a brutal thump" or something to that effect.

Quote:
It must have been, Harry thought as a fish squirmed out of his hand.

This is slightly confusing. If it's raining as Harry's thinking this, would he really think in past tense? Plus, thoughts should always be in italics.

Quote:
When he was loaded,

*gigglesnort* Too easy to make a sick joke out of that one. I'd find a different way to say it.

Quote:
No. That couldn’t be right! There couldn’t be an arm!

Lines like these just seem really amateurish to me. *shrug* I dunno, it's kinda melodramatic, if I had to pick a word for it.

Quote:
The man turned his head and said, “What is it?”

New paragraph.

Quote:
“It’s a… uh, it’s a body, captain.”

Captain, in this context, is a proper noun. Wink

Quote:
Fish were covering it,

Something like "It was covered by fish" would get rid of the annoyingly passive voice here.

Here's a plot hole if I ever saw one: if you found a dead body, you wouldn't move it. That generally pisses of inspectors. So the general rule of thumb is find a dead body, don't move it.

Quote:
He had found a body! In the fishing lines! But how could he have?

Quote:
That means that someone and killed her and tossed her into the ocean!

Some more melodramatic lines that bother me.

Another quick note. Rape isn't about love or beauty -- it's about power. The chances of a beautiful girl being raped is equivalent to the chances of an ugly girl being raped. Not saying anything against you, it's just something to keep in mind. Rape's a touchy subject.

And here's a bit of a flaw -- would a preacher's son really consider murder for something so petty? Don't force your conflict, mate. You establish Harry as an innocent, even-keeled bloke, and then BOOM! he's a murderer. Not very likely, eh? Wink

Meh... interesting enough. I've already pointed out the problems I have with your plot so far. Beyond the plot level, though, this is good! I would like a little more characterization and a chance to get to know the characters at the beginning. You kinda just throw them in your reader's face followed by HOLY CRAP dead body. It'd be nice to get to know them a bit first.

Er... rambling. Yaaaay! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 1:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

=)

Quote:

“Pull ‘em up, ‘arry!” Thompson shouted roughly. His long, gray beard was becoming soaked by the heavy rain that was pouring down into his fishing boat. He yanked on a lever and the mechanical arm slowly lifted out of the stormy sea.


Bold words = adjectives. I think this paragraph is a little adjective-heavy. I think you should comb through it and decide which adjectives are absolutely necessary for the mental image. For example, I'd get rid of 'stormy' because you already mention that it's raining, so... well, we get the idea of how the water looks.

The underlined part is kind of iffy, methinks. You might want to make it 'lifted slowly' for a better flow.

Quote:

Harry, who was down on the deck, was struggling with the many ropes that were tied to the arm. All of the ropes, however, were connected to a net on the arm. The net was black, but he could still see the numerous fish squirming to break loose.


Bold = repetition. You might want to cut down on that a little...

Quote:

“What d’ya mean, a body? A people body?”


LOLLOLLOL XD! A 'people body'!

Quote:

Fish were covering it, but he could still make out the head.


This sentence sounds kind of awkward. Maybe you should try a reword? Something like: It was covered in fish, but he could still make out the head's basic features.

Quote:

The eyelids were covering the eyes and the nose was dented.


Well, duh! I think you should cut that part out, or else say 'her eyes were closed' because we would imagine them that way unless you said that they were opened.

Quote:

It was these kinds of things that pervert the mind and spirit.


Well said, my friend, well said. XP

Quote:

He had found a body! In the fishing lines! But how could he have? Just a fisherman from HarborVille… he never had any luck with catching fish. But catching a body!


All those exclamation marks! They kind of bug me -- they make it seem giddy and overexcited -- so maybe cut down on those? It's really just personal opinion, but I thought I'd point it out anyway.

Quote:

Her form was stunning, and everything was in the perfect proportion.


Huh? This makes sense, but maybe you should say how she was so stunning? By 'in perfect proportion' I assume you're referring to the golden mean: a woman's body is made up of 8 head-lengths -- 3 for her torso, 5 for her legs. So you might benefit from mentioning her long legs and sculpted lips... or something like that.

Quote:

His eyes were shaking uncontrollably.


His eyes were shaking?! Laughing It may just be me, but I don't think eyes shake. Hands do, though.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

OOh! Now this, I really like! Great cliffhanger ending, too. Smile

Negatives first, though:
I think this could benefit from more emotion. It has a pretty good amount, but I feel like more could make it more edge-of-your seat thrilling. Example:
Quote:

Harry continued to walk forward, very slowly. The gutter was held out in front of him, reading to pierce the old man.

How did Harry's face look -- determined, shaken, pale? Describe his facial expression and then show how this makes Thompson feel.
Also, Thompson needs more emotion. What was he thinking as Harry came towards him? Did he think he was too young to die? Have him think about how he'd always expected to die and what his feelings were towards Harry.

More description would be nice, too. What does the control room look like? How about the woman, other than 'stunning and in perfect proportion'? You could use more poetic metaphors and similes to make this more powerful.

I agree with all the things that Razor mentioned, too. She's a smart one!

Now, I do like the plot. Besides from what The Official YWS pirate mentioned, it's very interesting. You have a great ending and I'd like to see it continued!

Anyway. Good start here; I really like it. You can post on my 'Want a Critique?' thread if you continue it, and I shall review the continuation!

Keep it up!

- Camille xx

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 2:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
“What d’ya mean, a body? A people body?”

I didn't like this line. A "people body" just sounds kiddish.


Quote:
It was these kinds of things that pervert the mind and spirit.

Just wanted you to know that this was my favorite sentence in all of it.


Quote:
It all happened rather quickly. Thompson bounded into Harry, and he plunged the knife into the captain. Thompson made a strange noise as blood trickled from his belly.

Now I didn't get this. If Harry had a weapon, you'd think that Thompson would be smart enough not to dive at him and throw himself on it. Strange, don't you think?


And one last thing: I know that everyone else liked the killing of the old man, and don't get me wrong, I did too, but what didn't make sense to me was the fact that earlier in the story Harry was getting jumpy about having bad thoughts about a naked woman. Then suddenly all those principles you showed to us were just *poof* GONE, and he had no qualms about murdering Thompson. Huh. I just felt that that was a little inconsistent.

But otherwise I LOVED it. It was entertaining, good hook, excellent dialogue, and I actually want to read more! So keep writing.
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 5:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello, I'm the Author of the storybook Harborville, and I'm glad and proud that people are writing fiction about the quiet yet deadly harborville.

I have to say, This is not half bad, altough instantly having a skittish wee little boy being shy around a women's naked body, then he throw's that body, AND another body he just murdered in cold blood just so to keep it quiet...well, I have to say that was plain weird. But I think it will make a nice theory ' the harborville effect '. It's interesting beside's the murder motive, and I have to say it keep's up Harborville motive.

Thank you for using my Title.

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