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Albus.



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Sun Mar 09, 2008 12:59 pm
TheD2 says...



Now, obviously, if you have read the Harry Potter Series, this makes perfect sense. If you have not (shame-shame) *-spoiler alert-* So, this starts out where book 7 ends, I know it seems like it should be on fan fic., but I am planning on making this as long as possible (aiming for book length) so please comment and crit. :D


Albus.
Chapter 1
Scorpius Malfoy.

Raindrops splattered across the train window as Albus watched blurred objects speed past him in the opposite direction. He soon broke from his visual trance and looked over at Rose, who once again had her nose in Hogwarts : A History. He has seen her reading that book almost constantly since her mother gave it to her for her eighth birthday! 'Like mother, like daughter,' he recalled his father saying.

A lump formed in Albus's throat as he thought about Hogwarts. The words of his father did not comfort him as much as he had hoped. He wondered if the Sorting Hat would take his opinion into account. 'Not Slytherin, not Slytherin,' he told himself.

All of a sudden, the door was flung open, and a girl with shoulder length, red hair peered in, "Have either of you seen a cat, it ran away from a girl named Molly?"

"No, I am sorry to say I haven't," said Rose, painfully tearing her nose from her book.

"Nor have I," answered Albus.

"Humph, who knew it would be this hard to find a cat. What the-" she was interrupted when another girl plowed her over, and continued down the corridor, "Molly!"

" I found her yelled back the girl apparently named Molly.

"Well then,- oh is that Hogwarts: A History?"

"Yes, I am reading it again though."

"More like memorizing it," joked Albus, and was met with a deathly gaze.

"My name is Lucy, I will be a first year," she announced, making a futile attempt to hold back a laugh.

"I am Rose Weasley, and that is Albus Potter," Rose informed her.

A look of shock formed on Lucy's face, "Rosie!"

"Oh my god, I am sorry, I did not notice you Lu," said Rose excitedly and hopped up to hug her.

Albus finally realized that it was Uncle Percy's daughter Lucy.

"I wish I could stay, but I need to go help my sister with her cat," Lucy said and then left.

Rose went back to her seat, and jabbed her nose right back into her book, only pausing shortly at times to push her hair from her face. She did not have much time to continue to be absorbed in her book, once another person showed up at their door.

"Hello, do you mind if I sit here, every where else if full?" asked the boy shyly.

"No, not at all." said Albus.

The boy sat in the seat along with Albus, "My name is Malfoy, Scorpius Malfoy, but I don't really like having the name of a constellation, so you can call me Malfoy if you want."

"My name is Albus Potter, and this Rose Weasley," he pointed out. He and Scorpius shook hands. Albus guessed she was refusing to look up from her book one more time.

Albus looked a Malfoy, he was pale, and had white hair with a pointed face that he found familiar. He wondered where he had seen him before. His thoughts were interrupted when a sound came from outside the door. They looked up and saw an old lady with a trolley of candy. Both boys walked up to the trolley.

"I will have one chocolate frog, licorice wand, and every flavor beans," he told her, "Do you want anything Rose?" she shook her head.

Malfoy had bought mainly the same thing except instead of licorice wands, he had cauldron cakes. They ate, and talked about some odd stories they had heard from their parents. Once the finished eating, they got in a deep conversation about Quidditch. Albus didn't really have a favorite team, he just liked to watch or hear of any of them play. Malfoy was dead set on Foulmouth Falcons, he had no clue why but that is just what he decided. Finally, after an endless conversation, Rose slammed her book shut.

"We should probably get our robes on now wouldn't you think?" she asked, to hopefully end the long guys only conversation.

They put their robes on, and by all three of them were ready, it was quite dark outside. After a while, the train came to a stop, and students began to shove their way off the train. Albus, Rose and Malfoy some how made it through the chaotic mass of black robed students and not get separated. Thankfully it had stopped raining for a while.

"Firs' years, Firs' years over here!" yelled a giant man to their left.

Their company of three were the first to walk up to him. Albus and Rose looked up at the giant, towering man, " Hello Hagrid," followed by a gasp from Malfoy on the sheer height of the man in front of him.

"'Ello Ha- Blimey Albus, you look like a spitin' image of Harry!" he turned to Rose, "An' Rose, you look so much like your mum as well!" he said in a sob, "An' who is this?"

"This is Scorpios Malfoy," said Albus.

There was a shocked look in Hagrid's hairy, aging face, "An' you all gettin' along?"

"Yes," Malfoy said and then suddenly backed off, a little embarrassed.

"Righ' then, Firs' years follow me, now don't wander.

They followed Hagrid down a narrow path, but it soon opened up to a large clearing that met a large black lake.

"Every one in a boat now, won' wanna' have to swim in this water for sure," Albus, Rose, and Malfoy all got into one boat. Albus seemed to notice that Rose did not enjoy the presence of Malfoy too much. "All righ' then, every one in? Righ'- FORWARD!" he bellowed, and the boats started to calmly float across the water.

Gasp's and wow's were heard from every boat as they approached the brightly lit castle. He had heard James and his parents talking about it, but nothing match plainly seeing it.

"Watch your heads now," said Hagrid, as they entered a cave-like waterway.

Albus tightened up, James had told him this. He said that the fist years, once they arrive, are taken by boat into a cave half filled with water, and are taken straight to the dungeon, and then are whipped as the Sorting Hat sorts you. Albus of cause did not believe him, and James was even scolded badly by it. He told him not to tell his brother and sister stories, mom would turn out like Grandma Weasley.

It seemed like they were being taken under the school, and they finally stopped at a rocky, underground harbor.

"Hold onto your toads every one, now follow me again," he said as joke that only he would get.

They made their way up a natural stone ramp, that lead to the Shadowed, blackened side of the school it was vary wet. They finally made it to large castle door, and with his enlarged hand, and wrapped on the door 3 times.

(If you read this, I thank you. If you read it, and then Crit. or comment, I thank you even more, and your reward is waiting later, for me to write and post Chapter 2. :D )
Last edited by TheD2 on Wed Mar 19, 2008 9:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Without Wax,4114
  





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Sun Mar 09, 2008 3:26 pm
Blue Fairy says...



shouldn't it still be in fan fic anyway?
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Sun Mar 09, 2008 4:15 pm
TheD2 says...



Ya, I know, I am still not sure why I really put it here, any others I will put on Fanfic. I don't know what I was thinking last night, but oh well, It's here for now, so... It'll work. I rant on about the same thing too much. I shut up now. Please some one comment or crit. it will help much.
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Sun Mar 09, 2008 4:52 pm
Blue Fairy says...



I'll crit anyway:

All of a sudden, the door is flung open, and a girl with shoulder length, red hair peered in, "Have either of you seen a cat, on ran away from a girl named Molly?"


'is' is supposed to be 'was'

on is supposed to be 'it'

This story is very similiar to the first Harry Potter book. I doubt their children would live their lives like a mirror to their parents. It means people already know what's going to happen.

"No, I am sorry to say I haven't," said Rose, painfully tearing her nose from her book.


How do you painfully tear a book. That makes it sound like the book was actually glued to her face. Just saying: 'tearing her nose from her book' would work.

I am Rose Weasley, and that is Albus Potter," Rose informed her.

A look of shock formed on Lucy's face, "Rosie!"

"Oh my god, I am sorry, I did not notice you Lu," said Rose excitedly and hopped up to hug her.

Albus finally realized that it was Uncle Percy's daughter Lucy.

"I wish I could stay, but I need to go help my sister with her cat," Lucy said and then left.


I doubt Lucy and Rose wouldn't recognise each other and that Albus didn't realise it was his cousin.

"Hello, do you mind if I sit here, every where else if full?" asked the boy at the door shyly.


I don't think you need the 'at the door' bit.

Their company of three were the first to walk up to him. Albus and Rose looked up at the giant, towering man, " Hello Hagrid," followed by a gasp from Malfoy on the shear height of the man in front of him.


This doesn't really make sense.

It might sound better if you said: Albus's words were followed by a gasp from Malfoy on the sheer height of the man in front of him.

The bit about the toads made me laugh :D

~Blue Fairy
Formely known as Fairy_twinkletoes_13

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Sun Mar 09, 2008 5:13 pm
TheD2 says...



Thanks, I will work with all of that. Those typos were iminent, I was dozing off while writting it. Ya, I wanted there to be some simularities, but I think I did make it a little too close. Later in the story, the story will be almost completely different. Thanks again for crit.ing, I know it was a little long, and (simular :wink: ) hehe. But I want to see what I can do with this, it is a little difficult to put together.
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Sun Mar 09, 2008 6:24 pm
Moony says...



i am a harry potter freak
i just couldnt get enough of him
i hope you continue to write this series!!!!
  





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Sun Mar 09, 2008 6:33 pm
BigBadBear says...



Hey! I loved the Harry Potter series, so let's begin!

He wondered if the Sorting Hat would take his opinion into account. 'Not Slytherin, not Slytherin,' he told himself.


WWWWWAAAAYYY too similar. Please rephrase that 'Not Slytherin, not Slytherin' part. Please. You could change it to, "Anything but Slytherin" if you desperately wanted to keep it.

The boy sat in the seat along with Albus, "My name is Malfoy, Scorpius Malfoy, but I don't really like having the name of a constellation, so you can call me Malfoy if you want."


Um... no. That isn't going to work. Anyway, in HP, everyone calls everyone by their last name. I would take that whole part out and just have them call him either "Scorpious" or "Malfoy". I personally favor the first one because it's different. You DO NOT want to copy any former book no matter what you do.


"This is Scorpios Malfoy," said Albus.

There was a shocked look in Hagrid's hairy, aging face, "An' you all gettin' along?"

"Yes," Malfoy said and then suddenly backed off, a little embarrassed.


Hahah! That was the perfect thing that Hagrid would say!!! Hahah!

Haahha! I really like Hagrid. Haha. The toad part was funny.

Great job! I liked it, especially the end. Although, as the other critiquer said, this sounds an awful lot like Harry Potter 1. I would try to avoid similarites at ALL COSTS. You said that the plot would be totally different, and I am excited to read it!! PM me when part 2 comes out, will ya?

-Jared
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Sun Mar 09, 2008 6:42 pm
summergrl13 says...



I loved the Harry Potter series! And since J. K. Rowling isn't going to write about Harry's children but instead she's going to try a totally new series, I completely throw my craving for continuing the Harry Potter series in your hands. Keep writing because this is awesome and no one else will be writing about this stuff, so yeah! Just keep writing the series about Albus and Rose and Scorpius, because this rocks;)! I almost thought that you were taking an excerpt from a book J. K. Rowling wrote:)! Great job! 0(o.o)0
I will review for you! PM about it if you need one!


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Sun Mar 09, 2008 6:56 pm
Rydia says...



My first impression is that you need to spell-check and proof read before posting next time. Seriously. Reading chapters filled with spelling mistakes is very tiresome for grammar nazis such as myself.

That said, it's not a bad start. The others are right when they say it's much too similar to the original and if you're intending it to be very different later on then start again and start with it very very different. How much of the journey can have changed in ten years? Think about it. And certainly don't have a girl searching for her cat at the beginning and why would Rose not recognise her cousin and vice versa? The conversation was too long for that.

Have something else happen on the train. Maybe someone is showing off, trying to ride a broomstick in the passage way or people could be chasing each other and casting charms at each other so one of the prefects has to come and sort it out. Just aim for something really different.

And if you really wanted to stir it up and add some changes, have them take a different way across to the castle. Maybe a student died during the crossing within the last ten years? Or the new head teacher or ministry for magic could have deemed it too dangerous a journey to take anyway. Maybe they ride hypogriffs across in rememberance of Buckbeak.

I'll not go through and high light mistakes because I think you could do much better than this but I'll gladly look at any re-write you decide to do. Hope this helps a little,

heather xx
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Sun Mar 09, 2008 7:09 pm
EliteHusky says...



Clear dialogue. The wording was almost perfect but you really portrayed the character's feelings with a "reasonable degree of effectiveness". Keep at it.

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Thu Mar 13, 2008 4:29 am
TheD2 says...



Ok, thanks every one, I will edit those problems, and make them bold. I will get to that, and I am almost done with chapter 2, so they should both be coming up soon. Thanks again every one.
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