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Skies of Mystic Fire - new prologue



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Sat Mar 08, 2008 5:31 pm
Autumn says...



Still not sure on the name, I kinda suck at thinking up names xD But anyways this is the new prologue, all comments and crit are appreciated =)

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Skies of Mystic Fire - new prologue

"Master, why do you insist on aiding the world before?" golden eyes glinted with frustration as the grey wolf stared up intently at the great wizard, a growl resting against creeping, razor edged fangs. "You are at peace now; the chains which clung to you in life have been crushed. You are free."

A breeze wandered through the air, as the last fractured rays of light brushed against the wizard’s cloak. Their radiance was captured in the intricately patterned runes which swept across silky fabric, as it danced in the gentle wind. He patted the wolf’s head.

"As are you, my friend" the wizard smiled softly, with kind eyes. Then he turned to face the land, washed with the gentle glow of the vanishing sun as it rested upon the horizon.

The wolf wavered for a moment, and then curled his mouth to speak. But the frustration had already faded away. After all, it was difficult to hold onto any kind of negative feeling here, in the everlasting lands of eternity.

So he remained there in harmonious silence, until the wizard peered back at him with a kind, yet defiant gaze.

"Though it has been many years since we parted from the Earth and came to reside in this world," he began, and the wolf listened attentively, understanding slowly flickering through his eyes. "I will never forget those lands. In life, I made a promise – that I would live to serve the people with the powers I was blessed to receive. And now in death, I will use my freedom to make a willing choice – which is to continue to honour the pledge I made, all those years ago."

"Then if that is your wish, I shall respect it," came the wolf’s reply, so the wizard smiled, and turned to face the twinkling wisps of light, which scattered the darkening skies.

He raised his arms high above his head, and stretched his hands out wide. Then a voice was weaved along the wind, as the wizard began to chant. It was a low, soft sound, echoed with an enchanting melody. The wolf watched in dazed fascination, for the sight of magic spells never ceased to amaze him.

Slowly, shards of colourful light began to appear. It was as if they had slipped behind the very air itself, but had been summoned forth once more. They soon became a crowding mass above his hands; vibrant swivels of almost every colour drew themselves together into a large, bright orb. The light it cast seemed to rival that of the setting sun in it’s glory, as the orb set it’s colourful rays upon the surrounding lands.

With a quick, definite movement, the great wizard lowered his arms to the ground, sending the orb tumbling into the quivering grasses below. In an instant the great light disapparated, save for a few spiralling shards which rested on the ground like sparks from a fire.

Seconds passed as the wizard and the wolf stood in the gathering breeze, staring at the glimmering glints as they steadily faded away.

And then, it happened. A slow rumble graced the earth, as a large, green vine crashed through the grass and spiralled upwards until it arrived at the level of the wizard’s head, about a meter away from him. A closed bud settled atop the structure, as the wizard turned back to the wolf.

"I won’t be long," he said, for the chant had been completed. The wolf lowered his head in understanding, and slowly backed away.

Then the wizard stepped toward the plant. Within moments, the bud unfolded to reveal a beautiful white flower, which shimmered with the gleam of a captured star. He rested his hands upon its delicate petals, and felt their glow travel up his arm and interlace themselves into the runes, which decorated his cloak. Soon enough, the threaded runes were shining with their own luminosity.

The wolf watched as his master faded away into the breeze.

"Good luck," he whispered, though he spoke only to the wind, for the wizard had already entered the world before.
Last edited by Autumn on Wed Mar 12, 2008 7:55 pm, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Sat Mar 08, 2008 5:38 pm
Karinikanicoleroy says...



GOOD ONE very well
  





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Sat Mar 08, 2008 10:03 pm
Blue Fairy says...



This is great!
You are a really good writer :D
You have described everything really clearly to build up a good picture in the reader's head.

The layout and paragraph's are set out well as well.

the only thing that confused me is this:

[quote]"Master, why do you insist on aiding the world before?" golden eyes glinted with frustration as the grey wolf stared up intently at the great wizard, a growl resting against creeping, razor edged fangs.

who's golden eyes? the wolf or the wizard?

anyway this is really great.

post more soon :D

~Blue Fairy
Formely known as Fairy_twinkletoes_13

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Sun Mar 09, 2008 12:31 am
Majestic Fantasist says...



I’m impressed by your ability to make something that might seem cliché (wizards with runes and talking wolves) original.

It’s hard to critique after only reading the prologue, so I hope to see more posted.

=D
Unless I had to
I'll do what I got to, the truth
is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt -TBS
  





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Sun Mar 09, 2008 3:55 pm
Autumn says...



Karinikanicoleroy - thankyou! =]

Blue Fairy - Thanks alot! =] The golden eyes are sposed to be the wolf's, I see how it could be confuzing though, I'll think about wording it differently.

Majestic Fantasist - thanks! ^.^
But there's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
And I can be on the last train home
  





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Mon Mar 10, 2008 10:17 pm
STARRY nite says...



nice story! :D I like the imagery you used
  





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Tue Mar 11, 2008 4:43 pm
Autumn says...



STARRY nite - thanks! =]
But there's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
And I can be on the last train home
  





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Tue Mar 11, 2008 10:41 pm
Rydia says...



Hey there! I quite liked this. I thought that the general concept was a little unoriginal but your plot was unique enough for that to not matter and your characters were well defined. You had some great dialogue and it was all very clear and easy to follow. However, I think you could have added more description. What does the wizard look like? Is he your typical white haired, pointed hat and robe wearing wizard or is he youthful and dressed in jeans and a T-shirt? Just add a little detail to make it easier for your readers to visualise.

Also, you mixed your tenses up a little once or twice and some of your sentences were phrased awkwardly. Here's a few small correction/ suggestions -

"Master, why do you insist on aiding the world before?" [This should probably be '...why did you insist...' because it doesn't make sense as present tense switching to past.] golden eyes glinted with frustration as the grey wolf stared up intently at the great wizard, a growl resting against creeping, razor edged fangs.

A breeze [s]wondered[/s] wandered through the air, as the last fractured rays of light brushed against the wizard’s cloak.

"Then if that is your wish master, I shall respect it," came the wolf’s reply, so the wizard smiled, and turned to face the twinkling wisps of light, which scattered the darkening skies.

It was a low, soft sound, echoed with an enchanting melody. [Should either be echoing or phrase it like 'It was a low, soft sound and it echoed with an enchanting melody.']

In an instant the great light disapparated, save for a few spiralling shards which [s]resting[/s] rested on the ground like sparks from a fire.

"Goodluck" [Should be "Good luck," and note the punctuation addition too.] he whispered, though he spoke only to the wind, for the wizard had already entered the world [s]before[/s].

___________________________

In general, I think you have some pretty imagery and I like the direction your plot is heading in. It's got strong potential. Feel free to pm me with questions,

Heather xx
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

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Wed Mar 12, 2008 3:03 am
Artecila says...



Pretty good, I like how it flowed and the dialog was not forced, made it enjoyable to read. Though I must say the whole wizard thing might be a bit cliche, but least it was original and not some flat derivation. As long as the characters seem to be realistic (ironic at times) then I wouldn't be worried about it.

Kitty15 might have missed this:

"Then if that is your wish master, I shall respect it,"

I'd drop master and the change the comma to a period. If you really need the emphasis, I'd rework the phrasing a little. Just a minor thing I found.
  





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Wed Mar 12, 2008 8:07 pm
Autumn says...



kitty15 - thanks for the review! =] *goes make edits*

["Master, why do you insist on aiding the world before?" [This should probably be '...why did you insist...' because it doesn't make sense as present tense switching to past.] golden eyes glinted with frustration as the grey wolf stared up intently at the great wizard, a growl resting against creeping, razor edged fangs. ]

the 'world before' is supposed to represent the earth, and the wizard is going to go back to the earth to help with something. But I guess it's pretty confuzing and could be interpreted otherwise, I'll probably have them call it something else

artecila - cheers for the comments and crit!
But there's still tomorrow
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And I can be on the last train home
  





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Thu Mar 13, 2008 2:36 pm
corey mcdermith says...



Very good. i found it quite fascinating. I was pulled in almost immediatly adn look forward to the rest of the story.
It's the one, the only, the incredible COREY!!!!!
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Fri Mar 14, 2008 3:03 am
zero_motovation says...



I liked it. The dialog flowed nicely and seemed natural. The description was good too-- just enough to paint a picture and not so much that I was drowning in words.
I shall run into the woods and never come back, and when I come back, I'll be the 9TH MASTER!!!!
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Sat Mar 15, 2008 5:49 pm
Autumn says...



thankyou both! =]
But there's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
And I can be on the last train home
  





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Sat Mar 15, 2008 9:28 pm
KJ says...



Very prettily written. Your plot build-up is excellent, too.
  





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Sun Mar 16, 2008 10:35 pm
Autumn says...



thanks KJ =]
But there's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
And I can be on the last train home
  








Remember when dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and your mom was your hero? Race issues were about who ran the fastest, war was only a car game. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and good byes only meant tomorrow? And we couldn't wait to grow up.
— Unknown