Dynamo
Master of Plot Devices
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 20 Jan 2006
Posts: 1651
Reviews: 75
Country: A wizard did it.
113 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 2:27 pm Post subject: Outpost 101 - Chapter 3 |
 |
|
Chapter 3
About fifteen minutes had passed and Caboose still hadn’t returned. Everyone was beginning to worry about him.
“Do you think we were a little too hard on the guy?” Simmons asked.
“Maybe a little,” D said.
“Well, I guess we should start looking for him. If Serge gets back and the rookie turns up dead he’s going to blame us,” Grif said.
“Okay, but who’s going to be the one to look for him?” Simmons asked.
All three of them stared at each other for a moment.
Simmons: “Not it!”
Grif: “Not it!”
D: “Not- Dammit!”
“Well, looks like you’re going to be looking for him, then,” Grif said.
“Yeah, yeah, just give me a minute to get my gun.”
“Why do you need your gun?” Grif asked. “There’s no one out here but us.”
“Yeah, if it’s okay with you, I’m going to trust my own instincts instead of intel collected by a poor excuse for a soldier.” Once he got his battle rifle from inside the base he went of to find Caboose.
“Hey, I’m a good soldier!” Grif said.
Simmons shook his head. “Sorry, but I’m going to have to agree with D on this one. You do suck at being a good soldier.”
“Oh shut up, Simmons. If I remembered where I put my pistol I’d totally shoot you.”
Meanwhile, elsewhere in the canyon…
Two men in black armour stood by a large tank on the top of a hill. One of them turned to the other and asked, “Hey, Axel. You ever wonder why we’re here?”
Axel sighed and said, “Shut the hell up, Hank.”
Something in the distance caught Hank’s attention. “Hey, look!”
“What?”
“There’s something out there.”
Axel pulled out his sniper rifle and used its scope to see what it was. A silver armoured soldier was running across the field. “It’s the enemy!”
“Enemy?” Hank asked. “Aren’t we supposed to be the only ones out here? The boss made me scout the whole canyon and I didn’t find any enemies.”
Axel lowered the gun for a moment to look at his companion. “Hank, scouting the whole canyon means scouting the whole canyon, not walking 50 yards from your post before giving up and shooting field mice.”
“I really don’t see what the difference is,” Hank said.
“I know you don’t, Hank. I know you don’t”
“Well hurry up and kill him. If the boss finds out I didn’t properly scout the canyon he’s going to have my ass.”
Axel sighed and shook his head. “Yeah, yeah.” He raised the sniper again and aimed for the silver guy’s head. “Alright silver guy, say goodnight.”
D stopped running for a moment to take in his surroundings. “Where could that idiot be?”
Four bullets flew past D’s body, followed by the sound oof a sniper rifle being fired four times. “Son of a b**ch!”
“Ah, crap.” Axel turned to see Hank staring at him. “What?”
“You’re really not good with that thing are you?”
Before Axel could say anything a spray of bullets began pounding against the tank they were standing beside. “This guy means business!”
“Well, no sh*t! You shot at him!” Hank said, having to raise his voice to be heard over the bullets.
“Whatever, man. Let’s just go down there and kill him.” Axel and Hank both charged down the hill toward the silver guy, leaving the tank behind.
Caboose showed up a few seconds later. He saw the tank, but no one was there to drive it. “That’s weird, I thought there might be someone here. Now I’ll never find the store!” The sound of guns going off in the distance caught his attention. Just down the hill he saw D in fierce combat with two soldiers in black armour. “D’s in trouble! He needs help!”
Caboose looked at the tank for a moment, wondering what to do. “Hmm… I wonder if this tank can help?” He decided to give it a try.
As soon as he hopped in he heard a computerized woman’s voice. “Hello, and thank you for activating the N808V Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.”
“Hello, Sheila… Big tank lady.”
“Would you like me to run the tutorial program?”
“Oh, that would be very nice,” Caboose said. “Thank you.”
“Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion class tank. Let’s begin with some driving.”
“…Okay.”
Meanwhile, back at the base…
“I still have no idea what you’re talking about. I didn‘t hear any shots.”
Grif had his sniper rifle out. He was using the scope to check the surrounding canyon. “I’m telling you, it was four shots, like bam, bam, bam.”
“Wait a second, that’s only three bams,” Simmons said.
“…Bam.” Grif continued looking through the scope until he saw the firefight between D and the two black guys. “Uh oh…”
“What, what is it? What do you see?”
Grif lowered his rifle and turned slowly to Simmons. “Simmons… Get the warthog.”
“Heh, you mean the puma?” |
_________________
When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist.
Last edited by Dynamo on Mon Mar 10, 2008 2:12 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
kitty15
Your friendly neighbourhood kitten
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 4234
Reviews: 1223
Country: England
469 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Mar 09, 2008 6:30 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Good action scene here and I like the parallel between the enemy soldiers and the 'good' side. Your humour continues nicely, I think Caboose's comment about the tank was a bit simple but then he seems the simple minded type of guy so you could get away with that and I loved the 'that's only three bams' part but it's all starting to feel a little too cyclical and routine. It doesn't quite feel fresh and different enough.
I think you need to work on D's character. At the moment he doesn't have as distinct a personality as the others. Don't be afraid to change the character's personalities slightly. At the moment most of the extremes appear to be covered but there isn't the classic coward, the highly optimistic and annoyingly perfect soldier or the depressed, worried, paranoid soldier.
Other than that it's going well though. Your plot is entertaining and it's one of the first fan-fics I've actually enjoyed. But then I haven't seen the series. A few small comments -
Once he got his battle rifle from inside the base he went of set off to find Caboose.
Four bullets flew past D’s body, followed by the sound oof of a sniper rifle being fired four times.
Hope that helps a little,
Heather xx |
_________________
Love is but a lie to tame the heart,
To trap and chain; ensnare the soul.
Love is just the end and not the start
Of life. In truth, love has no role. |
|
