Topic ID: 26860
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
thunder_dude7
I am pure AWESOMNESS!!!111one
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 06 Oct 2007
Posts: 1169
Reviews: 27
Country: That one on the left...
3401 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 4:09 am Post subject: Betrayed and Plagued |
 |
|
Name subject to change. Thanks for help with the plot for those who posted in the writer's corner 
Chapter 1
“Allyson, if you don’t get your darn butt out of that bed, you are not going to be happy.” Daniel said, glaring at his older sister.
“Let’s put it to a vote. I have seniority. I win”
“You made the stinkin’ suggestion that we sign up for the darn military. You can’t go changing your mind!”
“Watch me.”
Daniel stormed down the steps. Though he and his sister were close back when they were 5 and 6, they now, 12 years later, fought almost every day, especially since Allyson convinced him to sign up for the kingdom military with her.
“What’ll happen after we show up late because of her? I reckon we’ll be tried for it, go to court, and be thrown in the stinkin’ jail!”
“You know, Daniel,” Allyson said, ready to walk out the door. “Your accent sounds really funny when you’re mad.”
Daniel rolled his eyes as the two of them made their way to the exit of the town that would lead them to the military camp. They passed out of the small town, the arch in the wall surrounding the town towering above them.
The two of them lived in the kingdom of Caval, known for its amazing military strength. Most of the non-military citizens were farmers or ranchers, like their parents. However, they were closely met by Furfante, who had been gaining strength recently.
Allyson face showed that she was bored and hot. Daniel, however, marched on, an eager flamboyance showing in his face. The grassland was vast, and the town had reduced to a fraction of its former size. A dot revealed itself on the horizon, giving Allyson hope that they were almost there.
“Look! The camp! We can finally get some shade!” She said, bounding in its direction. Daniel ran behind her, struggling to keep up with the swift girl. They soon realized, however, that it was not the camp they had seen.
“Drat, it was just some girl that collapsed. Let’s keep going.”
“Allyson!”
“Fine. We’ll help her.”
Allyson reluctantly lifted the girls head up. Her long, red hair came out of the pony tail it was in as her berate fell out. Daniel placed his canteen to her mouth, hoping she’d wake up.
“Ugh…” She said quietly, pushing herself up. “What? Did I pass out or something? Who are you people?”
“I’m Daniel. This is my sister, Allyson. We found you passed out on the road-”
“Oh, no! I’ll be late for my meeting to join the military! I’ve gotta go, bye!”
“Hold it!” Allyson said quickly, the girl coming to an abrupt stop. “Nobody lets my brother introduce us and doesn’t reply, you selfish brat!”
“Wha-” she began “Oh. I’m Elizabeth. Now, I need to-”
“Actually, we’re joining the army too. We’ll go with you.” Daniel said, smiling at her.
“Oh. Well, sure, I’ll stay with you guys.”
And so the three of them began the journey together, continuing towards the camp. They had no idea that there were so many difficulties before them. |
Last edited by thunder_dude7 on Mon Apr 07, 2008 2:26 am; edited 3 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Periwinkle
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 01 Mar 2008
Posts: 232
Reviews: 94
Country: Crayola Crayon Box
1086 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 3:37 pm Post subject: Re: Betrayed and Plagued |
|
|
| thunder_dude7 wrote: |
| Allyson face showed that she was bored and hot. Daniel, however, marched on, an eager flamboyance showing in his face. The grassland was vast, and the town had reduced to a fraction of its former size. A dot revealed itself on the horizon, giving Allyson hope that they were almost there. |
I don't think you want to use flamboyance to describe his face. It usually means "highly decorated or ornate".
| Quote: |
| And so the three of them began the journey together, continuing towards the camp. They had no idea that there were so many difficulties before them. |
Also I didn't like this line. As readers we'll find out later on they go through difficulties. It's kind of pointless to put it here and it's too tell-y.
Anyways, it's interesting...Daniel seems sweet but Allyson is so mean. You just want to wring her neck for being so mean...haha...I don't know if you were going for that, but she is a character that's easy to hate and Daniel easy to like. I guess they're meant to be foils or something?
Anyways...it's interesting. I want to read more about how you continue the military thing. |
_________________
"You're going to jail, Bart. Say good-bye to the wife and Tater Tots!" - Andy from The Toy Story |
|
| Back to top |
|
thunder_dude7
I am pure AWESOMNESS!!!111one
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 06 Oct 2007
Posts: 1169
Reviews: 27
Country: That one on the left...
3401 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 4:09 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks. That's exactly the effect I was going for. I just love it when family members are nothing like each other. I went for that effect in The Elements as well.
I'm just trying to show that jerks can be good guys. Like Snape from Harry Potter. I just needed to balance it out with Daniel to make the reader actually care about what happens to them. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
khfan890
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 05 Jan 2008
Posts: 210
Reviews: 33
Country: the best country in the world
716 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 5:21 pm Post subject: |
|
|
First of all, I'm going to say that, for a thirteen-year-old, you're pretty good! The story is fast moving, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. However, it can eventually lead the reader to want to stop reading if they're going from one thing to the next constantly. You might could have taken more time on the part where they find Elizabeth.
There are some grammar errors that I don't have time to critique right now (seriously, I'm not being lazy, but I have to leave soon, sorry). Somebody else will probably get those. One thing that stuck out and bothered me was the fact that Allyson and Daniel got along when they were little but can't get along when they're older. Usually, it's just the opposite. People get along better as they grow up... You don't have to change that, though. And then the part about Allyson wanting to pass over Elizabeth and leave her there. Is she that mean?!?! I think everybody has a little bit of niceness in them somewhere. So I'm just saying you may want to rethink that. Would you look at somebody who passed out on the road and not even help them? I know you may think it fits with her personality, but I don't think it's very realistic, in a way...
Well, I do want to continue reading this story because it is kind of catchy. So, good luck and keep writing! |
_________________
Death is no respecter of persons. Just felt like saying that. |
|
| Back to top |
|
thunder_dude7
I am pure AWESOMNESS!!!111one
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 06 Oct 2007
Posts: 1169
Reviews: 27
Country: That one on the left...
3401 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 5:33 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hmm...I guess that was a bit extreme. I'll think that over.
There's a specific reason they got along as kids and not now. It'll be revealed later. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
khfan890
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 05 Jan 2008
Posts: 210
Reviews: 33
Country: the best country in the world
716 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 7:43 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Oh, well, if you have a specific reason for what you did, then don't mind what I'm saying! |
_________________
Death is no respecter of persons. Just felt like saying that. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Cpt. Smurf
Victory is mine!
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 04 Dec 2006
Posts: 1691
Reviews: 79
Country: UK
1330 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 11:53 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hello. My name's Kyle, and I'll be your reviewer for today 
This was interesting. I think it has potential, but there's a lot to improve on, such as your pacing and tendency to info-dump. All of this can be improved on, however, and that's why we're here, after all. So let's begin.
| Quote: |
“Allyson, if you don’t get your darn butt out of that bed, you are not going to be happy.” Daniel said, glaring at his older sister.
“Let’s put it to a vote. I have seniority. I win”
“You made the stinkin’ suggestion that we sign up for the darn military. You can’t go changing your mind!”
“Watch me.” |
Whoa! While this dialogue is not particularly bad in content - what's happening? Who's speaking to who? It all comes on so thick and fast, we have no idea what's going on. It's overwhelming. Starting with dialogue is OK, good even, but you need to slow down and consider where you are. Let's go through it step by step, shall we?
| Quote: |
| “Allyson, if you don’t get your darn butt out of that bed, you are not going to be happy.” Daniel said, glaring at his older sister. |
OK, you've established Allyson and Daniel, presumably the two main characters. From this the reader can glean that Daniel is possibly the responsible, but bossy younger brother. His being younger goes against the traditional 'elder siblings are the more responsible ones' stereotype, which is good. We also gain from this the suggestion that Allyson is lazy, quite possibly arrogant, thinking herself superior because she is the eldest (which, we find out in the next line is true).
OK. The characters are established, fairly loosely, but we have the main shell of their personalities down. Now, instead of continuing the conversation in this overly fast-paced vein, you should take some time to establish the setting - where are they, for a start? Describe the scene - are they in a bedroom, is it messy, are they in a house or some hostel-type-place? All these questions need answering. Some character description wouldn't go amiss, either - we know nothing about what either of them look like. This isn't always a bad thing, but, in this instance, you've got to give us something. We need something more than faceless human shapes shouting across empty space. What are they doing? Why are they doing it? Focus on Daniel, as he's the one who talked first. There's so much detail you need to add. That's the joy of writing - placing your characters in a setting which you've created with your own mind. Take advantage of this!
Onto the next line.
| Quote: |
| “Let’s put it to a vote. I have seniority. I win” |
You're missing a full stop after 'win'. This confirms our suspicions that she's arrogant in the position of elder sister. Now take some time to focus on her. Follow the above guidelines, instead focusing on Allyson's appearance, what she's doing, etc.
| Quote: |
“You made the stinkin’ suggestion that we sign up for the darn military. You can’t go changing your mind!”
“Watch me.” |
Now take some time to explore Daniel and Alysson's thoughts and feelings towards the military. But don't be info-dumpy about it. Express it through their actions as he eats breakfast, as she gets dressed (merely examples of how). If he doesn't want to go, he could yank a bowl out of a cupboard and slam it on the table. If she's looking forward to it, she could bounce around on tip-toe as she's looking for the right stuff to wear, or hum as she's dressing. There are so many ways to show a reader how a character is feeling, instead of just telling us.
| Quote: |
| Daniel stormed down the steps. Though he and his sister were close back when they were 5 and 6, they now, 12 years later, fought almost every day, especially since Allyson convinced him to sign up for the kingdom military with her. |
OK, so you've revealed their ages - seventeen and eighteen. But at what cost? Your literary integrity, that's what. That entire passage is just one back info-dump. Info-dumps (literally dumping a huge chunk of information on the reader in one go) are something to be avoided 99% of the time. When done well, they can be very effective, but when done mediocre or badly (as is most often the case) they prove to be an indigestible chunk of information that readers cannot, or will not, swallow. This is where the technique of 'show, not tell' comes in. You want to show the reader how characters feel, what the setting is like, what's going on, through actions and, occasionally, dialogue. That serves to:
a) Break up information into smaller pieces so that the reader takes it in willingly and even, in the best cases, unknowingly;
and
b) Increases the physical length of the story by a substantial amount, as you're not revealing a great lump of information in one short paragraph.
A few examples (I'll put these in a spoiler box, as a) They're not particularly good, but give you an idea of what I'm talking about, and b) They don't have an awful lot to do with the actual piece I'm critiquing):
Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)
'Lorraine turned the garage light off and looked up to the house in the near distance. The starless night sky pressed in upon her as she made her way up the gravel drive towards the looming, shapeless building in front of her. She quickened her pace, and the stones underfoot crunched all the louder in the tight silence. The dark pressed in on her, claustrophobic, a weight that pushed down on her very soul. Finally, she made it to the back door, inside the house, and to light.'
What do we understand about Lorraine here? That she's scared of the dark.
'Mark locked the car door, wiped his moist brow with the back of his hand and heaved up the shopping bag. Sweat trickled down his back only to be absorbed by the white polyester of his t-shirt. A headache started to develop, and he tottered up the path to the front door, shading his eyes with his free hand. The key was in the door, the door was opened - and mark breathed a sigh of relief as he staggered into the deliciously shaded house.'
What do we understand about the setting from this? It's a hot and sunny day.
' "Did you hear about the librarian and the headmaster?" Josie said to Lorraine as they made their way down the corridor.
"No, what happened?" replied Lorraine, eager to find out what the teachers had all been whispering about behind raised hands during the lunch breaks.
"They're in prison, for murder," answered Josie with a triumphant gleam in her eye. "Apparently they got Ms. Jacobs in the office with a cricket bat."
"No!"
"Yes. She never did like PE." '
That last one (aside from containing a very disturbed girl and an awful one-liner) was an example of finding out what's happened through dialogue. Showing through dialogue can occasionally be an obvious way of telling without seeming as though you are, but it can be put to good effect.
On with the critique!
| Quote: |
| “What’ll happen after we show up late because of her? I reckon we’ll be tried for it, go to court, and be thrown in the stinkin’ jail!” |
This is all well and good, but who's he talking to? I suggest you change it so he's talking to her, otherwise the reader will think that either he's going mad, or you've made a mistake somewhere along the lines. Also, give him some actions. At the moment he's just a talking head. Remember to give him some actions throughout, constantly. I don't mean after every time he utters a breath, as there are many occasions when conversations need to go uninterrupted, but make him interesting. Same for Allyson.
| Quote: |
| “You know, Daniel,” Allyson said, ready to walk out the door. “Your accent sounds really funny when you’re mad.” |
I suggest you change this to something more significant and in-keeping with her character or leave it out completely. At the moment we appear to have a girl with split-personality disorder on our hands - being mean to him one minute, making strange, but not necessarily unkind remarks about his accent the next. This contrast can only further be exaggerated by her comments later on. If you want her mean, keep her mean.
But we do have a door at last! Some physical presence other than the two characters themselves. Unfortunately, we don't know what the door is connected to (a house, presumably, but some more detail other than that would be nice), or where it leads to.
| Quote: |
| Daniel rolled his eyes as the two of them made their way to the exit of the town that would lead them to the military camp. They passed out of the small town, the arch in the wall surrounding the town towering above them. |
Some description at last - but very confusing description. You need to go back and rewrite this - give the town some detail. Perhaps have the two saying their goodbyes to various minor characters, or extras in film terms, as they walk through the town. Also, are they leaving with nothing? Perhaps make some mention to the weight of their packs cutting into their shoulders at even this early stage.
| Quote: |
| The two of them lived in the kingdom of Caval, known for its amazing military strength. Most of the non-military citizens were farmers or ranchers, like their parents. However, they were closely met by Furfante, who had been gaining strength recently. |
This is all info-dump, and doesn't need to be here at all. Slip it in at a later date, subtly, but like this it's just cluttering up the flow of the story.
| Quote: |
| Allyson face showed that she was bored and hot. Daniel, however, marched on, an eager flamboyance showing in his face. The grassland was vast, and the town had reduced to a fraction of its former size. A dot revealed itself on the horizon, giving Allyson hope that they were almost there. |
The bit in bold is a perfect example of how you've told instead of shown. You said it herself - her face showed that she was bored and hot. How does it show that she's bored and hot? Is she red in the cheeks, are her eyes half-closed in boredom? Show it to us! You do the same with 'eager flamboyance showing in his face', though I don't think that 'flamboyance' is the right word here. More 'enthusiastic', I would imagine. But show us how his face looks enthusiastic, instead of just telling us it is.
This is also the first mention of a grassland. Perhaps detailing beforehand that the town was situated in the middle of a grassland would serve to avoid the confusion we get here. When they see the dot on the horizon, describe to us how Allyson's face changes as she begins to fill with hope, instead of just telling us it does.
Also, instead of jumping to the next action scene, perhaps take a while to develop character here - have the two converse, express their emotions and feelings towards each other and towards the oncoming prospect of joining the military.
| Quote: |
| “Look! The camp! We can finally get some shade!” She said, bounding in its direction. Daniel ran behind her, struggling to keep up with the swift girl. They soon realized, however, that it was not the camp they had seen. |
'bounding' is, I think, an unwise choice of word - I get more of an image of a leaping gazelle than I do of a girl. You then tell us she's swift, which is pointless as you've already said how Daniel is struggling to keep up. 'They soon realized, however, that it was not the camp they had seen.' This is far too fairy tale-like for my liking. Have the characters show us that it's not the actual camp.
As an aside, they would have realised long before now that it wasn't the camp - the fact that they don't realise this until they actually arrive at the girl suggests a stupidity more extreme than that of any human being known to have ever existed. Practically, a girl lying on the floor just wouldn't look like a military camp. Have some other reason for their hurry, and you'll be good to go.
| Quote: |
| “Drat, it was just some girl that collapsed. Let’s keep going.” |
'What a delightful girl I'm going to have to read about for the next hundred or so pages,' the reader is thinking as they read this. Try not to turn her into too much of a hate figure - we're going to have to read about her for the rest of the novel, and, generally, readers like to like the characters they are reading. Also, 'it was just some girl that collapsed' is an obtuse statement - she's just stating the obvious. This is one occasion where you describe that the girl is lying on the floor, obviously in a state of unconsciousness, rather than have the characters do it.
| Quote: |
“Allyson!”
“Fine. We’ll help her.” |
Ah, a sign of some morals at last!
| Quote: |
| Allyson reluctantly lifted the girls head up. Her long, red hair came out of the pony tail it was in as her berate fell out. Daniel placed his canteen to her mouth, hoping she’d wake up. |
'Tumbled' would be a better choice of word than 'came'. Also, may ask what a 'berate' is? A look on Wikipedia takes me to a page for Berat, a town located in South-Central Albania. I'm thinking that that's not what you meant, so I'll hazard a guess to say that perhaps you mean 'beret'? Anyway, Daniel placing his canteen to her mouth is really going to do little to revive her from unconsciousness, so I suggest you change it to 'splashed her face with a little water from his canteen', or something along those lines.
| Quote: |
| “Ugh…” She said quietly, pushing herself up. “What? Did I pass out or something? Who are you people?” |
I've heard worse introductory dialogue. Really, there's nothing wrong with this part.
| Quote: |
| “I’m Daniel. This is my sister, Allyson. We found you passed out on the road-” |
Have Daniel indicate his sister when he says her name, and have him help the new girl up.
| Quote: |
| “Oh, no! I’ll be late for my meeting to join the military! I’ve gotta go, bye!” |
A tad unrealistic - she's surely still be a little disorientated from her recent 'episode', and would still want to know who these people are, as their names aren't much to go by. Elaborate on her a little more - what does she look like, what are her actions, is annoyed or glad at being woken up?
| Quote: |
| “Hold it!” Allyson said quickly, the girl coming to an abrupt stop. “Nobody lets my brother introduce us and doesn’t reply, you selfish brat!” |
OK - so you've well and truly established that Allyson is Queen Bitch - but then, you have to be selfish to fall unconscious in the middle of the baking heat on your way to military school, don't you? But seriously, lay off the 'Evil Allyson' bits - she's going to become a nightmare to both read and write if she gets much worse, and you want both you and your readers to like her - especially if they have to go on this long journey with her.
On a grammatical note, 'the girl coming to an abrupt stop' doesn't work in this context. Something like 'the girl stopped abruptly' would be fine.
| Quote: |
| “Wha-” she began “Oh. I’m Elizabeth. Now, I need to-” |
Perhaps have her stare in shock at this rude girl for a few moments, instead of the 'Wha-'. It would be more effective, and realistic, I think. But it's good that we have a name at last!
| Quote: |
| “Actually, we’re joining the army too. We’ll go with you.” Daniel said, smiling at her. |
No problems here, all is good.
| Quote: |
| “Oh. Well, sure, I’ll stay with you guys.” |
I think she should be a lot more hesitant than this. She has, after all, just been viciously abused, albeit verbally, and she might find Daniel's kindness, in contrast to his sister's cruelty, suspicious. I time for some character development here, methinks.
| Quote: |
| And so the three of them began the journey together, continuing towards the camp. They had no idea that there were so many difficulties before them. |
Get rid of this, and have the ending so that it's less pappy. This is a very whimsical Enid Blyton type chapter ending and, though I'm not opposed to an Enid Blyton story every now and again, it just doesn't sound good here.
All in all, though I have rather ripped this apart piece by piece, it does show some promise. I suggest you rewrite, and fairly extensively. There's a lot of detail that needs to be included to make this a joy to read - at the moment it's just like reading the synopsis of a book with bits of dialogue thrown in.
With a little bit of work, this could turn out very good.
Hope this helped,
-Kyle |
_________________
I've had so many names... Old names that only the wind and the trees can pronounce. I am the mountain, the forest and the earth. I am... I am a faun. Your most humble servant, Your Highness.
-'Pan'
Last edited by Cpt. Smurf on Sun Mar 09, 2008 3:59 pm; edited 2 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kaurin
Novice
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 05 Mar 2008
Posts: 10
Reviews: 3
Country: Malaysia
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Mar 09, 2008 3:35 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hi...there's really nothing more I can say or critique since Kyle did a really amazing job. I didn't even realized so much can be improved 
But - correct me if I'm wrong - I notice something different than the others. Instead of seeing Allyson as 'just plain mean', I find her actually reasonable.
In fact, I find her to be a typical "anime" character. I'm not sure if that's your inspiration and please don't be offended if you don't watch anime or read manga, but this whole "I'm just mean on the outside" character type, that's what you're using with Allyson isn't it? I mean, she probably has a lot of depth and probably some sort of a past that motivated her to become so "mean" right? And she probably didn't really mean it with leaving the poor unconcious girl, did she?
Anyway that's what I felt when I read it and I just want to say I have a different view than the others on her.
I do find the last sentence/ending quite...out of place though.
Well, your story's pretty nice and very interesting, I hope you continue it! Keep up the good work! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
thunder_dude7
I am pure AWESOMNESS!!!111one
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 06 Oct 2007
Posts: 1169
Reviews: 27
Country: That one on the left...
3401 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Mar 09, 2008 8:46 pm Post subject: |
|
|
*begin's reading Kaurin's critique* *Frowns* *continues* *goes berserk*
*cringe* At least he didn't guess what the event was...Did the getting along as kids make it that obvious?
Chapter 2
Daniel, Allyson, and Elizabeth continued walking through the grassland, the sun’s rays beating down on them. Their canteens showed no sign liquid had ever been in them, and crawling through the tall grass provided little shade from the afternoon sun.
“I think this is enough exercise for one lifetime.” Allyson said, barely moving. Elizabeth peered above the grass, and could see an arrangement of tents.
“Look! The camp!” She said, breaking into a run. Daniel and Allyson followed her, eager to get water and shade. About ten minutes later, they had arrived at the camp.
“Where were we supposed to go?” Allyson said, looking over at her brother. Daniel directed her in the direction he presumed the tent they were looking for would be, based off the progression of numbers on them. Soon, they found the tent that matched the number they had received.
“So, what were we doing here again?” Allyson said, squinting one eye at the fragile structure.
“We figure out what we’re dong. They decide if we’re a mage, a dracoknight, a Seraph rider-”
“Seraph rider?” She said, quickly turning her head.
“They ride pegusi.” He said. Her confused look proved a more detailed explanation was necessary.
“Pegusi are horses with wings.” He explained, annoyed at her lack of knowledge.
“Cool! I wanna do that!” She said, a light in her face.
“Don’t get your hopes up,” he interrupted. “You have to be what they tell you to be.”
“Oh. I still want to do that.” She said, walking into the tent. Daniel and Elizabeth followed her.
The inside of the tent was quite plain, with little more then a flimsy wooden desk and an orb, merely the size of a large marble. A young woman sat behind it, seated in a chair that appeared to be just as flimsy as the desk.
“Hello,” She said, welcoming the three young adults into her tent. “You must be new recruits. Names?”
They introduced themselves, leaving her to check their names off.
“Thank you. I’ll just get you three ready to start training with the other recruits,” she pointed at Allyson. “You first, please.”
Allyson smiled as she sat down in the seat opposite the women. They both touched the strange orb lightly, and the woman closed her eyes, as if her body had become a lifeless void. She soon sat up straight again, smiling.
“Based on your personality and passed experiences, I would say your best fit would be a wind mage.”
The light could be seen draining from Elizabeth’s face as she stood up.
“You next, Elizabeth.” Elizabeth sat down and touched the pearl as Allyson had. A similar process occurred. She bolted up again.
“Let’s go with Seraph knight. Weapon should be…axes.”
Elizabeth’s face lit up, and she walked back. Allyson glared at her, furious. Daniel sat down and the pattern occurred once again.
“Oh, I like you. Here, eat this.” She said, handing him a roll. Daniel bit into it, but found the taste to be horribly bitter. He reluctantly finished the bread.
“You’ll get the job you were assigned when you receive your schedule tomorrow. I would tell you now if it were possible.” She said. Daniel walked back to his position by the others.
“I’ll get your schedules together. In the mean time, do you two mind sharing a tent?” She said, gesturing to Allyson and Elizabeth. The two of them clenched their teeth together.
“Sorry, but there’s only one girl’s tent left. There isn’t a choice. Sorry.”
Elizabeth and Allyson were ready to protest the plan, but controlled themselves.
“Here are the numbers of your tents. Daniel, your tent mate is already there.”
The three of them left the flimsy tent, then heading in the direction of their assigned living quarters.
***
“Alright, Allyson,” Elizabeth said as they unpacked. “Seeing as we’re spending the year in the same tent, we might as well try to get along.”
“I can’t believe you got to be a Seraph knight!” She screamed, her bright red eyes narrowed so much you could hardly see them. Her long, brown hair flew around as she turned to look at Elizabeth.
“Allyson, I’m really sorry.” She said, her blue eyes glistening with tears. Her bright red hair hung in its pony tail, not moving at all.
“That’s the worst part! I can’t blame anybody because nobody could control it!”
“Are you alright?”
“Just leave me alone…”She began to cry. Elizabeth backed away, continuing to set up her things.
***
Daniel walked into his tent, looking over at the messy bed that his tent mate had settled into. He walked over to the other bed, but found his blonde hair was caught in the poles that supported the tent, despite the fact that it wasn’t even all that long. His blue eyes squinted as he struggled to free himself, but this only resulted in more pain. He gave up and stood there, not bothering to try and untangle his hair. Hope returned, however, when he became aware of another person, his tent mate.
“Thanks,” Daniel said, placing his things next to his bed. “What’s your name?”
“I’m Brad.” He replied, holding out his hand. Daniel accepted the gesture.
“So,” Daniel said “I don’t know what I’m doing yet. All I know is that she had to feed me some roll.”
“Same here!” Brad replied, eyes widened. “I can’t figure this thing out.”
“Well, I’m sure they’ll explain when we get our schedules tomorrow.”
The two of them continued speaking, trying to figure out this strange mystery, but no answer ever arose. They eventually decided to just wait for the next day’s schedule to arrive and began telling each other about themselves.
Sleep came peacefully that night. |
Last edited by thunder_dude7 on Mon Apr 07, 2008 2:25 am; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
thunder_dude7
I am pure AWESOMNESS!!!111one
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 06 Oct 2007
Posts: 1169
Reviews: 27
Country: That one on the left...
3401 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 2:25 am Post subject: |
|
|
You guys certainly aren't as enthusiastic about commenting as before.
Chapter 3-Surprises Abound
Daniel yawned as he eyes peered open. Morning sunlight was pouring through the entrance to the tent, which had been left open due to the summer heat. Brad was still sleeping, occasionally rolling around a bit. Daniel sat up on his bed, then stopped.
Something wasn’t right. Something was on his back. He reached back to figure out what it was, then widened his eyes.
Feathers…
Daniel twisted his neck to examine what he had felt. Two dark, brown wings had bursted through the back of his shirt. Daniel immediately let out a scream, awakening Brad.
Brad shot up and nearly fainted when he saw that Daniel had grown wings.
Wait a second… he thought. Maybe it was the roll…
He looked behind him and was relieved to see no wings, but alerted to something else. A long, yellow tail had grown during the night. He felt his ears to find that they had become large and cat-like. He immediately joined Daniel in screaming.
Meanwhile, in a nearby tent, the screams were heard by Allyson and Elizabeth, who wondered what was going on.
“What on earth is with them? I hope they’re OK. Better check up on ‘em.” Elizabeth thought. She quickly got dressed and emerged from her tent, the warm sun beating down on her. She ran over to the source of the screaming. Two pieces of wood by the entrance to the tent served as a “doorbell”, and Elizabeth proceeded to use it. Daniel and Brad greeted her at the door, resulting in more screaming.
Meanwhile, other people who found themselves in a similar predicament were breaking out in screams across the camp.
Allyson stomped out of her tent.
“Will you guys stop screaming!?!” She yelled at the top of her lungs. Some nearby tents quieted down, but the noise continued. Allyson walked over to Brad, Elizabeth, and Daniel. The screaming had soon returned to the level it had been before Allyson had made her statement.
About an hour later, the four of them were sitting down together.
“We got our schedules,” Daniel said, shaking his head in disbelief. “Apparently I’m supposed to learn to turn into a hawk, and Brad, a cat.”
“A cat?” Brad said for the fifth time, almost as if he were about to burst into tears.
“Stop whining.” Allyson said.
Elizabeth spoke up. “I think it’s about time we go get breakfast at the mess hall. Let’s go.” The four of them proceeded to walk through the camp, looking around. The mess hall stood out from the other tents that would be used for classes due to its size.
The group walked in, Daniel and Brad trying to find ways to hide their new body parts. However, these efforts ceased when they saw that some others had similar growths. Three tables stretched the long ways through the tent, stopping at an additional table, likely for the head of the training camp. A sign directed people who were in their first year at the camp to the table on the right. The four of them proceeded to sit down.
After about ten minutes, the tables were full, including the table set aside for teachers. A young, strong man in the center of the table stood up. The hall fell silent as he walked to the front of the hall.
“Welcome to our new students, and welcome back to those returning,” He said.
“As you know, we are in need of well-trained soldiers to build up our military. Ever since our neighboring nation, Furfante, began building up military power, we have realized the need to protect our fine nation of Caval’s title as the greatest military power in the world. You must help us do this.”
The man continued speaking, eventually explaining some things to new students…
“For those of you who found unusual new body parts, these are perfectly typical of those of you who are going to learn how to turn into an animal chosen for you. Your schedules cover exactly what lessons you will be taken. You will have fifteen minutes between each class to swap supplies and make your way to the location of the lesson. You are free to do as you wish during these times, as long as you make it to the next class on time. Tardiness will not be tolerated, and will result in you spending free time sitting here, without any speaking to one another. After all classes have finished, you have free time, but you must be in your tent by the time the sun has completely faded over the horizon.”
“Lastly, there’s one catch that returning students will be familiar with. Our head mage, Jill,” He gestured to the woman who had decided on their jobs. “Will change the environment of the training facilities. You will not be spending this year in a grassland. This year, the environment will be a tropical rainforest. This change over your three years here will make you comfortable in a variety of settings. The change will be applied during breakfast. Classes begin tomorrow. Now, let breakfast begin!”
Immediately, birds flew through the space between the walls and the roof, setting plates filled with food in front of each soldier in training. The feasting began.
“Can you believe we’re going to be training in a rainforest? It’s so cool!” Allyson said, shaking.
“I know!” Elizabeth replied. “It’ll be really hot, but I can handle that.”
“Now that I think about it,” Daniel said, swallowing a piece of steak. “It might be hard to fly around. But it still sounds cool!”
The excitement and joy throughout the mess hall almost made them forget what a serious thing they were training for.
***
Right now, I'm a tad concerned about the man's speach. Not to much else, except perhaps the screaming fit. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
