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I wish I could change the world
I wish I could change the world
by hobbes in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Science-Fiction

This thread was created on March 7, 2008
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•Mutts - Home

Mutts - Touch
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GryphonFledgling   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 8:56 pm    Post subject: Mutts - Touch Reply with quote

1/1/08

038 – Touch

Warm. Mother is warm. Her hands are warm as they hold me.

Hard. Mother is hard. Her arms are hard as they hug me tight.

Soft. Mother is soft. Her breast is soft as she feeds me.

Rough. Mother is rough. Her fingertips are rough as they touch my face.

Moist. Mother is moist. Her lips are moist as they kiss me.

Smooth. Mother is smooth. Her hair is smooth as I catch it in my hand.

Dark. The world is dark. It is dark because my eyes are not open. But Mother is here. I am safe.

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Last edited by GryphonFledgling on Wed May 28, 2008 11:13 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Kepe   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 12:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
It was just all a bit boring really. I do believe infants think in simple thoughts, however you could make the first insights into the world a bit more interesting. This felt like a list, that led to nothing. I would have liked some motion from the baby- some response maybe.
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 09, 2008 5:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
It was a little boring, but I didn't mind it. It was pretty good. I think I like the other Mutts better, though.

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Firestar   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 3:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
This piece just has no real flavor. It's like chewing through a pineapple, you know your going to get to the good stuff sooner or later, but for now your just chewing on the thick outer shell.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 9:30 pm    Post subject: - Reply with quote
Something about the short words and sentences appeals to me. I like it, though I can't fully explain what it is that draws me in. I think the simplicity makes it an interesting read.

Anyway, I like it.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 3:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Nice. A little overcomplicated - I'm assuming that this is a baby speaking, and I doubt a baby would use the word "Mother" - but comforting, because of the repetition.

Actually, come to think of it, the baby is using a lot of relatively complicated wording...

The rhythm is very... soothing. Give the character more of a voice, though. It's not too distinct.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 5:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
I like this a lot. I realize it's supposed to be literal - POV of a baby - but I think it works really well metaphorically in relation to the other Mutts. Family does feel like all of those things - warm, hard, smooth, rough. Providing a sense of safety. And 'mother' can be many things - any protective force.

Sorry if that's too analytical. Smile I think this is a nice piece.
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