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The Quest, Prologue and Chapter One



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Thu Mar 06, 2008 10:23 pm
Matt Bellamy says...



Prologue

It was a beautiful dawn. The morning sun was drifting up lazily over the mountains, and the air was cool and refreshing. At the outskirts of the mountain range was the largest of them all, and from there you could see the fields and hamlets below perfectly. But the best view of all was of the massive lake separating the mountain range from a thick green forest. The sunrise fell onto it in light yellow sprinkles, a gorgeous sight for anyone lucky enough to be able to see it. The couple who lived in a cottage on that mountain were said to be the luckiest people around for that very reason.

The tapping of shoes sounded across the wooden deck leading out of the back of the cottage. A woman of around fifty-five walked slowly to the fence at the back of the garden and leant against it. Her light summer dress blew gently against her legs, and her dark hair rose up from her face and down again regularly. She looked out towards the lake and lit up a cigarette.
“Awen,” a male voice behind her called. A tall, dark figure came up behind her and slipped an arm around her waist. He pressed his unshaven chin against her cheek and kissed her. “Good morning.”
Awen smiled at her husbands touch. “Morning, Tareq.”
The pair held their bodies still together for a few moments, looking out over the water. Awen breathed smoke out into the air and Tareq parted and leant against the fence. He looked across at Awen.
“What are you thinking?”
She squeezed the cigarette between her fingers. “It’s the eleventh today.”
Tareq nodded.
“Fathia and Ovid. They’ll be eighteen. No. They are eighteen.”
“I know.” Tareq moved back towards his wife and put a hand on her waist. She tapped her cigarette. Ashes fell onto the newly blossoming red and blue flowers beneath her feet. For whatever reason, the image felt somewhat symbolic to her.

Chapter One

Fathia was awoken by the sunlight streaming in through her thin curtains at the later hour of nine. Her head ached a little from too much sleep. Ines, her foster mother, could be heard moving about in the kitchen downstairs, but curiously, could be heard talking to her foster father, Haig. Fathia wondered why he wasn’t out working on the farm, before she remembered what day it was.

Ovid swung his legs out of bed and went out into the hall, where his sister was emerging from her bedroom.
“Happy birthday Fathia,” he said, smiling. She returned his wishes and they hugged briefly.
“So, today’s the day,” she said. “We’re telling them this morning?”
“The sooner the better,” Ovid agreed. “But let them fuss for a little first, you know how they love to put on a good spread whenever there’s something to celebrate.”
The thought of a big breakfast laid on by Ines sent them rushing back to their rooms to get dressed, and soon the crash of feet running down the stairs could be heard throughout the cottage.

Ines was gliding around the kitchen, laying the table for the twins. It was not a large kitchen, in fact, it was not a very large cottage, but it was cosy and full of character. The kitchen in particular had a very old feel to it, the doors, surfaces and cupboards made of a thick oak wood, built by Haig himself. A large window let in streams of morning sunlight as he and Ines looked over at the table, then back at each other and smiled. The small round table left little room to move around, and this morning it was laden with food. They chuckled a little as they heard the twins running down the stairs, and turned to greet their slightly flushed faces.
“Ovid! Fathia!” Ines exclaimed, stretching her arms out and hugging them both. “Happy birthday, dears!”
“Thank you, Ines. Goodness, what’s all this? I hope you didn’t go to too much trouble!” Fathia said, walking to the table, where her brother had already picked up a plate and fork.
“Nothing is too much trouble for you little ones,” Ines told her.
“Not so little now, Ines,” Haig interjected.
“Well of course, eighteen? It’s a big day for you! Come on now, help yourself, there’s pancakes, waffles, any fruit you like, dig in!”
Ines stood at the table with her hands folded for a few moments, watching the twins and her husband gathering and stuffing food in their mouths eagerly as if they hadn’t eaten for months. Eventually she sat down and joined them, and the only sound was the chomping of teeth and the clatter of cutlery. The four of them finally sat back, their bellies full and plates empty.
“So what plans do you have for the day?” Ines asked.
Fathia wiped her mouth and looked at her brother carefully. He glanced back at her.
“Well,” he said, “that’s an...interesting question.” Ines and Haig looked at him expectantly, and the cottage was suddenly silent.
“Today, we were thinking of going to look at houses.” Ovid held his breath, and the twins looked carefully at Ines and Haig, waiting for a reaction.
Ines looked at them for a few seconds, before smiling broadly and pulling the napkin off her lap. “Oh, Ovid! Fathia! So young, yet so mature...I can’t believe it’s been eighteen years, how astonishing that it’s time for you to fly from the nest!”
Ovid and Fathia smiled in relief. “We weren’t sure how you would take it”, Fathia explained.
“Oh, well of course we’re going to miss you around the house, and the farm, but we’ve been expecting this for a while - it’s time for you to move on, we know this.” She looked over at Haig, who was nodding in agreement.
“It is time,” he said, “and I’d like to thank you two for all the help you have given us with the farm. You have grown into two marvellous people.” He coughed, and that was clearly the furthest that what started as a sentimental speech was going to go.
Fathia reached over the table and hugged them both. “Thank you, Haig, Ines.” Ines squeezed her hand, and got up to clear the table. The family continued to talk about the twin’s new home over the clatter of crockery and cutlery. Ovid began chattering excitedly, with Fathia interrupting every once in a while.
“We won’t be moving far, of course,” he told them. “Perhaps a ten minute walk through the village. And we’ll visit, nearly every day. There are some lovely houses down by the river, and not too expensive. But we have some money saved, and we’re going to find jobs before we move, so that won’t be a problem. Houses down there are going for five hundred Kirnos, and we have more than that saved. And-”
“And there’s a lovely farm down by the river, a lot like this one, so it’ll be just like home, really, and you can come visit us, we’ll decorate it just the way we want-”
Ines chuckled. “Slow down!” she said. She paused. “You have a long day ahead of you. Before you go,” she added quietly, “we have something for you.” She glanced over at Haig, who got up and took a white envelope out of a drawer. He handed it to Ovid. Ovid opened it, looking at it curiously, Fathia leaning over his shoulder. It was a letter, yellowed with time, written in blue ink, slightly creased. It read:

Fathia and Ovid,
It is with immense grief we write this letter, and we hope that in reading it, you will forgive us for not being with you on your special day. When you were born, we could not stay with you, and you had to be taken from us. We moved far away to help deal with the pain of not being with you, and apologise greatly for the circumstances this left you in. We wish we could be with you today, yesterday, and every day that came before. We hope that you were given a loving home, and are sure you have developed into two wonderful young adults. Perhaps one day fate will lead us to cross paths once again.
- Awen and Tareq.


It was Ines who broke the silence. “Your parents gave it to the authorities, before they left. They passed it on to us, and said we had been requested to give it to you on your eighteenth birthday.”
“Why our eighteenth? Why not before?” Ovid asked.
“We don’t know. We think it could be because...well, now you can leave home. You can make it on your own, do whatever you want...go wherever you want.” Ines sat back down, the dishcloth still in her hand. Fathia and Ovid stared at each other.
“I think we need to talk,” Fathia said quietly. Ovid nodded, and they both rose, and exited the room. Ines and Haig sat at the table, listening to their footsteps on the stairs, their faces wearing the same worried expression.
Matt.

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Fri Mar 07, 2008 4:23 pm
Frankie 93 says...



Prolouge: Good way to set the scene. I liked the cigerette idea, it made the woman seem to be elegent yet harsh. the scene was well set and i hope that these two characters can be portrayed well. Good use of language.

I will edit in the review of Chapter One later.
  





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Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:11 pm
Armadian says...



Excelent Matt! I enjoyed the prologue and the chapter. :D Really all I had problems with was:

Matt wrote:We moved far away to help deal with the pain of not being with you, and apologise greatly for the circumstances this left you in.


[s]Is that spelt correctly?[/s]*

Overall it was a good start, it left me questioning what is going to happen in the later chapters. I can't wait to read more so keep on writing!

*EDIT: I have newly learned that apologise can be spelt with an s or a z, it just depends on how you learned it.
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Sun Mar 09, 2008 4:34 pm
Cpt. Smurf says...



Hi!

As I'm attempting a bit of a critiquing spree, I decided to answer your plea for a critique. Thus, on with the ripping apart!

I quite liked this, as an opening. Your writing style was not a chore to read, and the plot has sparked my interest. As always there's stuff to be improved on, but it shows a good deal of potential, and I generally enjoyed reading it.

So, let's start at the beginning.

It was a beautiful dawn. The morning sun was drifting up lazily over the mountains, and the air was cool and refreshing. At the outskirts of the mountain range was the largest of them all, and from there you could see the fields and hamlets below perfectly. But the best view of all was of the massive lake separating the mountain range from a thick green forest. The sunrise fell onto it in light yellow sprinkles, a gorgeous sight for anyone lucky enough to be able to see it. The couple who lived in a cottage on that mountain were said to be the luckiest people around for that very reason.

Not a bad opening, if a little cliché. I've seen the 'beautiful dawn', 'lazy sun' thing before, and a description, however beautiful, may not be the best way to open a prologue. Perhaps leave that for the beginning of the next chapter? There are elements of your descriptive style that I liked, however. 'yellow sprinkles' stood out for me - it was a more unique metaphor, I felt. But, all in all, the description wasn't bad.

There are a few other things that I feel could be change. I believe 'At the outskirts...' should be 'On the outskirts...', and that whole sentence could do with some rewording. '...largest of them all...' This is slightly confusing - largest of what? Perhaps change it to something like 'At the outskirts of the range was the largest mountain of all...', which clarifies that you're talking about the mountain. Your use of 'you' seems a little out of place - maybe something more like '...largest mountain of all, affording a fantastic view...etc.' 'But the best view of all...' is, in my opinion, too specific, and not impersonal. Be a bit more vague here, and try to describe why it's the best view of all without stating it outright. The same goes for '...a gorgeous sight for anyone lucky enough...etc.'

The last sentence is, again, too blunt and direct. Imply that they're said to be the luckiest people around. Or leave it out, as it's not entirely necessary to the flow of the prologue.

The tapping of shoes sounded across the wooden deck leading out of the back of the cottage. A woman of around fifty-five walked slowly to the fence at the back of the garden and leant against it. Her light summer dress blew gently against her legs, and her dark hair rose up from her face and down again regularly. She looked out towards the lake and lit up a cigarette.

I think maybe you should have taken some time beforehand to describe the cottage, as we're suddenly taken from this aerial view of nature down into a man-made house. We don't have a good sense of where we are, and so it's slightly confusing as a result. Ease us into the house, don't drag us there.

The rest of this is good, except for 'her dark hair rose up from her face and down again regularly.' This is sounds awkward - you're too specific with it going 'up and down', it sounds too unnatural. An adverb like 'tossed...' or 'fluttered in the breeze' would be more suitable, I think.

“Awen,” a male voice behind her called. A tall, dark figure came up behind her and slipped an arm around her waist. He pressed his unshaven chin against her cheek and kissed her. “Good morning.”
Awen smiled at her husbands touch. “Morning, Tareq.”

Perhaps space out your dialogue more - it's not too bad the way it is now, but it gets tiring on the eyes very quickly.

Instead of 'male voice', perhaps just use 'man', or 'man's voice'. 'Male' sounds too Biology-textbooky. I suggest you change 'came' to a different verb - 'came' is too vague, too boring. Something like 'stepped' would do. The rest was fine, I think.

The pair held their bodies still, together for a few moments, looking out over the water. Awen breathed smoke [s]out[/s] into the air, and Tareq parted from her and leant against the fence. He looked across at Awen.

I've added/subtracted a few things in this one, but other than that there's nothing that needs changing.

“Fathia and Ovid. They’ll be eighteen. No. They are eighteen.”

This seems a little wooden - she'd correct herself earlier than this, I'm thinking. I'd change it to 'They'll be - no, they are eighteen.' That seems a little more natural, I think.

Ashes fell onto the newly blossoming red and blue flowers beneath her feet. For whatever reason, the image felt somewhat symbolic to her.

First sentence needs refining - perhaps make 'ashes' into a 'ash', as they can both be a plural, and 'ash' sounds neater. Change 'newly blossoming' to either 'newly blossomed' or 'blossoming'. I suggest the latter. Remove 'beneath' and replace it with 'at', as she's not standing on the flowers.

The second sentence seems too obvious to me - show us that it seems symbolic to her. Have her sigh, or something. Don't explicitly state that she finds it symbolic, have her do something to suggest it, like stare at the flowers, or something.

All in all, not a bad prologue. A few corrections and refinements, and all is good! Now, onto Chapter One.

Chapter One

Fathia was awoken by the sunlight streaming in through her thin curtains at the later hour of nine. Her head ached a little from too much sleep. Ines, her foster mother, could be heard moving about in the kitchen downstairs, but curiously, could be heard talking to her foster father, Haig. Fathia wondered why he wasn’t out working on the farm[s],[/s]. [s]before[/s] But then she remembered what day it was.

The opening sentence isn't bad, but again it's something I've heard many times before. I'd change 'later' to 'late', as 'later' would mean that we need to have something to compare it to, which we don't. The emboldened sentence seems a little odd - aching from too much sleep? It's only nine, after all, so this seems a tad unrealistic. Id get rid of it, but that's only my personal choice. I'd reword the next sentence, as in its current form the repetition of 'could be heard' sounds clumsy, so I'd change the whole thing to something more like 'She could hear Ines, her foster mother, moving about in the kitchen downstairs. Curiously, though, she could also hear the deep voice of her foster father, Haig.' The repetition of 'foster father/mother' also makes it sound a bit stunted, but I'm not sure how we'd get around that. The last part I've edited slightly.

Ovid swung his legs out of bed and went out into the hall, where his sister was emerging from her bedroom.

The sudden change to Ovid's POV, without warning, is slightly confusing. Switch the names - keep with Fathia, and then switch to Ovid at a more appropriate time. Other than that, the rest of this paragraph is good (although I'd change 'crashed' to something more like 'thudded', but again that's a personal preference).

Ines was gliding around the kitchen, laying the table for the twins. It was not a large kitchen, in fact, it was not a very large cottage, but it was cosy and full of character. The kitchen in particular had a very old feel to it, the doors, surfaces and cupboards made of a thick oak wood, built by Haig himself. A large window let in streams of morning sunlight as he and Ines looked over at the table, then back at each other and smiled.

My main issue here is the description of the kitchen - you tell us it's got character, whereas this would be a good time to show. Just describe random details that contribute towards it being old and full of character - how the worktop would have worn over time to be smooth and shiny, how the crooked beams stretch across the ceiling. That sort of thing. You talk about sunlight streaming through the window - this is the third time we've heard about the sun, and the second in which it's 'streaming through a window'. It's getting a little repetitive. Haig and Ines smiling at each other seems to be a little overly detailed for something fairly trivial - having them look at the table, then back at each other. Just say they smiled at each other.

“Thank you, Ines. Goodness, what’s all this? I hope you didn’t go to too much trouble!” Fathia said, walking to the table, where her brother had already picked up a plate and fork.

'walking' is too "long" of a word for here, if you get my drift. It would be more like a 'step' or a 'shuffle'.

“Well of course, eighteen?

This, I think, is less of a question and more of a statement. An exclamation mark would be better, methinks.

Ines stood at the table with her [s]hands[/s] arms folded for a few moments, watching the twins and her husband gathering and stuffing food in their mouths eagerly, as if they hadn’t eaten for months. Eventually she sat down and joined them, and the only sound was the chomping of teeth and the clatter of cutlery. The four of them finally sat back, their bellies full and plates empty.

This isn't bad, but perhaps have them converse as they eat. As it is, I just have this image of a load of fat people shovelling food down their throats. This is also an excellent opportunity to sneak in some character development.

“So, what plans do you have for the day?” Ines asked.

Comma added, and I'd change 'the day' to 'today' - focusing on the here and now sounds better, I think.

“Well,” he said, “that’s an...interesting question.” Ines and Haig looked at him expectantly, and the cottage was suddenly silent.

I think that, instead of '...was suddenly silent', it should be '...fell silent,' It's softer, which matches the overall atmosphere, I think.

Ines looked at them for a few seconds, before smiling broadly and pulling the napkin off her lap. “Oh, Ovid! Fathia! So young, yet so mature...I can’t believe it’s been eighteen years, how astonishing that it’s time for you to fly [s]from[/s] the nest!”

Good, except for the last bit. It sounds rather stunted, partly because of the use of astonishing (a different, shorter word with similar meaning would do better in place of this, I think), and partly because it should just be 'fly the nest'.

Also, you should consider taking some time here to firmly establish the reactions of all four characters. Ines seems the sort to shed a tear or two, and I'm sure the rest would be smiling away, but something more substantial than that, to further develop character, wouldn't go amiss.

it’s time for you to move on, [s]we know this.”[/s]

'we know this' sounds a little out of place - almost over dramatic, I think. Hence, the strike-through.

He coughed, and that was clearly the furthest that what started as a sentimental speech was going to go.

'started as' sounds wrong, I think. Replace it with something like 'promised to be', or change it altogether: 'He coughed, and that was clearly all he could muster in way of a sentimental speech.' Something like that.

The family continued to talk about the twin’s new home over the clatter of crockery [s]and cutlery[/s].

I'd take out 'and cutlery', as it seems to be one bit of alliteration too much.

Ines chuckled. “Slow down!” she said. She paused. “You have a long day ahead of you. Before you go,” she added quietly, “we have something for you.” She glanced over at Haig, who got up and took a white envelope out of a drawer. He handed it to Ovid.

This bit's all a little rushed. Take some time to give Ines and Haig some actions, for them to show some emotion. They've looked after these people (we assume) for eighteen years - they're not going to be revealing this lightly. Have them both hesitate, have them sigh when they finally do, have a tear come to Ines' eye, anything along those lines.

Fathia and Ovid,
It is with immense grief we write this letter, and we hope that in reading it, you will forgive us for not being with you on your special day. When you were born, we could not stay with you, and you had to be taken from us. We moved far away to help deal with the pain of not being with you, and apologise greatly for the circumstances this left you in. We wish we could be with you today, yesterday, and every day that came before. We hope that you were given a loving home, and are sure you have developed into two wonderful young adults. Perhaps one day fate will lead us to cross paths once again.
- Awen and Tareq.

This needs extensive rewriting, I think. It's just too formal. 'It is with immense grief we write this letter...' It's like an apology from the government. Think - these people are seemingly giving up their children, for whatever reason. They're going to want to make this letter as heartfelt as possible. '...developed into two wonderful young adults' sounds, again, like it's come from a Biology textbook. Give it some emotion.

It was Ines who broke the silence. “Your parents gave it to the authorities, before they left. They passed it on to us, and said we had been requested to give it to you on your eighteenth birthday.”
“Why our eighteenth? Why not before?” Ovid asked.
“We don’t know. We think it could be because...well, now you can leave home. You can make it on your own, do whatever you want...go wherever you want.” Ines sat back down, the dishcloth still in her hand. Fathia and Ovid stared at each other.
“I think we need to talk,” Fathia said quietly. Ovid nodded, and they both rose, and exited the room. Ines and Haig sat at the table, listening to their footsteps on the stairs, their faces wearing the same worried expression.

Dialogue-wise, this is fine. But give them some actions. Have Ines and Haig study their faces, waiting for their reactions. Have Ovid and Fathia shake - this is a huge revelation, for anybody, they're not just going to take it calmly.

Good ending - cliffhanger, makes me eager for more.


Overall, this was very good. I enjoyed reading it, and am quite eager to find out what happens next. Your main problems are, I think:

* Overly formal on some instances with dialogue and communication
* A tendency to use slightly clichéd description
* A tendency to rush slightly, particularly towards the end

So nothing that can't easily be fixed. Keep writing, and post again soon!

Hope this helped,

-Kyle
There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her to not be alive anymore.

~Stewie Griffin
  





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Sun Mar 09, 2008 5:05 pm
Rydia says...



You have some beautiful descriptions here and a very well paced introduction. I think that chapter one needs a touch more character description but the setting is lovely and the relationships between the characters are portrayed perfectly. There's a touch of mystery as to why Awen and Tareq gave up the children which is good and I can't really comment on the plot as you've left it very open at the moment but the initial direction has lots of potential.

I like the inclusion of the letter in chapter one and I think it's all very well written. The personalities of the twins need some development but that's nothing to worry about as it's only the first chapter. Here's a few small suggestions -

At the outskirts of the mountain range was the largest of them all, and from there you could see the fields and hamlets below perfectly. But the best view of all [Don't use both 'of them all' and 'of all' so close together as it sounds a little repetetive. I'd remove the 'of all' in the second sentence.] was of the massive lake separating the mountain range from a thick green forest.

“Awen,” a male voice [s]behind her[/s] called. [The next sentence makes it clear he's behind her so those words are redundant.] A tall, dark figure came up behind her and slipped an arm around her waist.

Awen smiled at her husband's touch. “Morning, Tareq.”

Ines, her foster mother, could be heard moving about in the kitchen downstairs, [s]but[/s] and curiously, she could also be heard talking to her foster father, Haig.

“Well,” he said, “that’s an...interesting question.” [You need a space after the ellipse.]

So young, yet so mature...I can’t believe it’s been eighteen years, how astonishing that it’s time for you to fly from the nest!” [Space after the ellipse.]

He coughed, and that was clearly the furthest that what started as a sentimental speech was going to go. [This is a little awkward. Maybe 'He coughed and that was clearly the furthest his sentimental speech would go.']

“We don’t know. We think it could be because...well, now you can leave home. You can make it on your own, do whatever you want...go wherever you want.” [Space after each ellipse.]

_____________________________
Hope that helps a little. There isn't really much to fault - it's a beautiful piece - and I'd be glad to read more if you like? Feel free to pm me with questions or requests,

Heather xx
Writing Gooder

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Sun Mar 09, 2008 5:22 pm
Sureal says...



Prologue

You open with a relatively lengthy paragraph describing the weather. This isn’t really what you want. Not only is opening with description usually rather dull, but opening with a description of the weather is very cliched.

You want to open with a captivating beginning, something that’ll capture your reader’s attention from the get-go. Otherwise, there’s the risk they’ll put your story down and move onto something else.

The writing in said paragraph isn’t at all bad, simply badly placed in the narrative.

The second paragraph (which really should be many block paragraphs; see below, ‘Paragraphs’) is a much better start. You open with action. Note that by action I don’t mean fighting, but rather, ‘stuff happening’. Action is always a good opener for a story, but it grabs the reader’s attention in a much better fashion than simple description.

My advice would be to either cut out the first paragraph, or else move it to a different position in the story. Open with the second paragraph instead.

Also:

At the outskirts of the mountain range was the largest of them all


This sentence isn’t … right. You don’t define what ‘them’ is. Of course, I can work out that you mean ‘mountain’, but that isn’t what the sentence actually says. Add in the word ‘mountain’ after ‘largest’.


Chapter One

I’m not to fond of this opening either. The concept of the story starting with the main character waking up in bed is really rather cliched. It’s easy to see the logic behind it - the story starts when the day starts - but it’s rarely ever needed, and has been horribly overused.

Try starting Chapter One with Fathia and Ovid already awake. You won’t lose anything in doing so.

The letter at the end of the chapter feels a little … I don’t know. Rushed, maybe? Emotionless? Perhaps both. Try using more showing and less telling. Rather that just telling the reader that ‘It is with immense grief’ the letter is written (which excites no emotion in me) try describing that grief.


Adverbs


I noticed you used a lot of adverbs (words that describes verbs, in case you don’t know). These usually end in ‘ly’. You should always be careful with adverbs, as they can really weaken prose if overused. Very often, they are not needed at all.

I don’t think they do much damage in this story, thankfully, but you may want to consider cutting a few out just to tighten things up. Often its better to use a stronger verb (eg. ‘swaggered’ instead of ‘walked arrogantly’) than an adverb.


Parapgraphs

Put a blank line between every paragraph, not just some of them - like in this review. You have to be consistent with your paragraphs. At the moment, it looks messy, and is rather daunting to read.


Thoughts

Your writing style is clear and easy to read, which is very nice. I’m curious where you’re going with this, which, of course, is a vital element of novel writing.


-- Sureal
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Sun Mar 09, 2008 7:06 pm
KJ says...



It was okay. My favorite part of this whole thing was Awen's cigarette and how you placed it in the story. It was extremely reflective of her character, I felt, and helped me to get a feel of who she is, what she is like.

I got kind of bored later on, however. Foster children talking with their parents isn't something original, and the way you wrote it didn't make it seem real to me. So they want to move out, okay... why? A reason would have satisfied me more. Because they're adults now? They're tired of their foster parent's rules or something?

I am interested, as Sureal is, about where you're taking this. I'll watch for more.

Keep writing.
  





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Sun Mar 09, 2008 7:15 pm
Muse says...



Im useless at reviewing prose. I dont have the dedication for it. I'll give it a go though, seeing its you. ;) And since im rubbish, you dont need to take anything i say into account.


RIGHHHHHHHHT. Hmm. I think your prologue could be more gripping. Much more gripping, in fact. Your opening descriptions need work.
"It was a beautiful dawn". Was it? I NEED MORE CONVINCING!
Ok, you talk about the yellow sprinkles and all that, but i want more. You should take specific lines and try reword them in a number of ways. Then pick the best one. Grab a thesaurus and play around until you're completely happy. Or until im completely happy ;) (im joking)

The rest of the prologue is good, except I really dont like the last line:
"For whatever reason, the image felt somewhat symbolic to her"


As someone else said, this just seems so bluntly put. It leaves nothing to the readers imagination. Expand on it, play around with the expression.


CHAPTER UNO:
"Ines, her foster mother, could be heard moving about in the kitchen downstairs, but curiously, could be heard talking to her foster father, Haig."


I think you should change that line. There's too much repetition in it. Maybe if you changed it into 2 sentences, but expanded both. If you know what i mean?

In my honest opinion, i think you should maybe change the passing on of the letter scene. Its not very believable. The foster parents seem totally unconcerned about handing over the letter, but surely they would feel maybe worried or even awkward about it? Maybe not even worried, just more aware of the potential significance the letter could hold.

In more general terms, I think your characterisation needs a bit of work too. I'd like to know a little more about what the characters are like, especially Fathia and Ovid. An opening chapter is really important in establishing character traits, as these can leave a lasting impression. Right now, Ovid and Fathia are completely flat in my mind.

But, i think this really has potential. I think its a good foundation, but still needs work. Sorry for the crap critique, i did enjoy it though, and Im looking forward to reading the rest of it! x
"Sometimes we see a cloud that's dragonish,
A vapour sometimes like a bear or lion,
A towered citadel, a pendant rock,
A forked mountain, or blue promontory,
With trees upon't that nod unto the world,And mock our eyes with air.."
  





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Tue Mar 11, 2008 12:55 am
krazykoreandevil says...



good description and well paced.

1 major problem that's not too major. comma in between two adjectives. ;)

It was a beautiful dawn. The morning sun was drifting up lazily over the mountains, and the air was cool and refreshing. At the outskirts of the mountain range was the largest of them all, and from there you could see the fields and hamlets below perfectly. But the best view of all was of the massive lake separating the mountain range from a thick green forest. The sunrise fell onto it in light yellow sprinkles, a gorgeous sight for anyone lucky enough to be able to see it. The couple who lived in a cottage on that mountain were said to be the luckiest people around for that very reason.

The tapping of shoes sounded across the wooden deck leading out of the back of the cottage. A woman of around fifty-five walked slowly to the fence at the back of the garden and leant (should be leaned) against it. Her light, summer dress blew gently against her legs, and her dark hair rose up from her face and down again regularly. She looked out towards the lake and lit up a cigarette.
“Awen,” a male voice behind her called. A tall, dark figure came up behind her and slipped an arm around her waist. He pressed his unshaven chin against her cheek and kissed her. “Good morning.”
Awen smiled at her husbands touch. “Morning, Tareq.”
The pair held their bodies still together for a few moments, looking out over the water. Awen breathed smoke out into the air and Tareq parted and leant (again leaned. but there are other word choices BESIDES lean) against the fence. He looked across at Awen.
“What are you thinking?”
She squeezed the cigarette between her fingers. “It’s the eleventh today.”
Tareq nodded.
“Fathia and Ovid. They’ll be eighteen. No. They are eighteen.”
“I know.” Tareq moved back towards his wife and put a hand on her waist. She tapped her cigarette. Ashes fell onto the newly blossoming (sort of awkward. perhaps, "Ashes fell onto the newly blossomed...") red and blue flowers beneath her feet. For whatever reason, the image felt somewhat symbolic to her.

Chapter One

Fathia was awoken by the sunlight streaming in through her thin curtains at the later hour of nine. Her head ached a little from too much sleep. Ines, her foster mother, could be heard moving about in the kitchen downstairs, but curiously, could also be heard talking to her foster father, Haig. Fathia wondered why he wasn’t out working on the farm, before she remembered what day it was.

Ovid swung his legs out of bed and went out into the hall, where his sister was emerging from her bedroom.
“Happy birthday Fathia,” he said, smiling. She returned his wishes and they hugged briefly.
“So, today’s the day,” she said. “We’re telling them this morning?”
“The sooner the better,” Ovid agreed. “But let them fuss for a little first, you know how they love to put on a good spread whenever there’s something to celebrate.”
The thought of a big breakfast laid on by Ines sent them rushing back to their rooms to get dressed, and soon the crash of feet running down the stairs could be heard throughout the cottage.

Ines was gliding around the kitchen, laying the table for the twins. It was not a large kitchen, in fact, it was not a very large cottage, but it was cosy (cozy) and full of character. The kitchen in particular had a very old feel to it, the doors, surfaces and cupboards made of a thick oak wood, built by Haig himself. A large window let in streams of morning sunlight as he and Ines looked over at the table, then back at each other and smiled. The small round table left little room to move around, and this morning it was laden with food. They chuckled a little as they heard the twins running down the stairs, and turned to greet their slightly flushed faces.
“Ovid! Fathia!” Ines exclaimed, stretching her arms out and hugging them both. “Happy birthday, dears!”
“Thank you, Ines. Goodness, what’s all this? I hope you didn’t go to too much trouble!” Fathia said, walking to the table, where her brother had already picked up a plate and fork.
“Nothing is too much trouble for you little ones,” Ines told her.
“Not so little now, Ines,” Haig interjected.
“Well of course, eighteen? (Awk. sounds too much like a statement rather than a question, unless haig was being sarcastic. could do, Well of course, they're eighteen now!") It’s a big day for you! Come on now, help yourself, there’s pancakes, waffles, (and) any fruit you'd like, dig in!”
Ines stood at the table with her hands folded for a few moments, watching the twins and her husband gathering and stuffing food in their mouths eagerly as if they hadn’t eaten for months. Eventually she sat down and joined them, and the only sound was the chomping of teeth and the clatter of cutlery. The four of them finally sat back, their bellies full (full is a porr word. stuffed would be better.) and plates empty.
“So what plans do you have for the day?” Ines asked.
Fathia wiped her mouth and looked at her brother carefully. He glanced back at her.
“Well,” he said, “that’s an...interesting question.” Ines and Haig looked at him expectantly, and the cottage was suddenly silent.
“Today, we were thinking of going to look at houses.” Ovid held his breath, and the twins looked carefully at Ines and Haig, waiting for a reaction.
Ines looked at them for a few seconds, before smiling broadly and pulling the napkin off her lap. “Oh, Ovid! Fathia! So young, yet so mature...I can’t believe it’s been eighteen years, how astonishing that it’s time for you to fly from the nest!”
Ovid and Fathia smiled in relief. “We weren’t sure how you would take it," (comma before quotations) Fathia explained.
“Oh, well of course we’re going to miss you around the house, and the farm, but we’ve been expecting this for a while - it’s time for you to move on, we know this.” She looked over at Haig, who was nodding in agreement.
“It is time,” he said, “and I’d like to thank you two for all the help you have given us with the farm. You have grown into two marvelous people.” He coughed, and that was clearly the furthest that what started as a sentimental speech was going to go.
Fathia reached over the table and hugged them both. “Thank you, Haig, Ines.” Ines squeezed her hand, and got up to clear the table. The family continued to talk about the twin’s new home over the clatter of crockery and cutlery. Ovid began chattering excitedly, with Fathia interrupting every once in a while. (everyone once in a while is a commonly used phrase. be creative and use a phrase like, "every so often" . that's a commonly used phrase as well but sounds better than once in a while.)
“We won’t be moving far, of course,” he told them. “Perhaps a ten minute walk through the village. (when saying perhaps a ten minute walk through the village, it sounds more like a question, as if he's asking for permission.) And we’ll visit, nearly every day. There are some lovely houses down by the river, and not too expensive. But we have some money saved, and we’re going to find jobs before we move, so that won’t be a problem. Houses down there are going for five hundred Kirnos, and we have more than that saved. And-”
“And there’s a lovely farm down by the river, a lot like this one, so it’ll be just like home, really, and you can come visit us, we’ll decorate it just the way we want-”
Ines chuckled. “Slow down!” she said. She paused. “You have a long day ahead of you. Before you go,” she added quietly, “we have something for you.” She glanced over at Haig, who got up and took a white envelope out of a drawer. He handed it to Ovid. Ovid opened it, looking at it curiously, Fathia leaning over his shoulder. It was a letter, yellowed with time, written in blue ink, slightly creased. It read:

Fathia and Ovid,
It is with immense grief we write this letter, and we hope that in reading it, you will forgive us for not being with you on your special day. When you were born, we could not stay with you, and you had to be taken from us. We moved far away to help deal with the pain of not being with you, and apologise (apologize) greatly for the circumstances this left you in. We wish we could be with you today, yesterday, and every day that came before. We hope that you were given a loving home, and are sure you have developed into two wonderful young adults. Perhaps one day fate will lead us to cross paths once again.
- Awen and Tareq.

It was Ines who broke the silence. “Your parents gave it to the authorities, before they left. They passed it on to us, and said we had been requested to give it to you on your eighteenth birthday.”
“Why our eighteenth? Why not before?” Ovid asked.
“We don’t know. We think it could be because...well, now you can leave home. You can make it on your own, do whatever you want...go wherever you want.” Ines sat back down, the dishcloth still in her hand. Fathia and Ovid stared at each other.
“I think we need to talk,” Fathia said quietly. Ovid nodded, and they both rose, and exited the room. Ines and Haig sat at the table, listening to their footsteps on the stairs, their faces wearing the same worried expression.

excellent story overall ;)
i know i'm not the best editor cause i didn't actually correct it. you must do it for yourself, that's how you learn not to use "s" instead of "z" sorry. it's years of my sister's influence.
  





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Sun Mar 16, 2008 5:02 pm
enjeru says...



hey there!!!

------PROLOGUE-----

At the outskirts of the mountain range was the largest of them all,


largest mountain? be a tad bit clearer here...

The sunrise fell onto it in light yellow sprinkles


love the description!! ^__^


He pressed his unshaven chin against her cheek and kissed her.


again, great description. but, in my personal opinion...ow.XD
__________________________

Great beginning!!! I love the description, and the details you put in there make it seem very real and believable. ^__^ *love!!!*


------CHAPTER ONE------

It was not a large kitchen[b], in fact,[b/] it was not a very large cottage, but it was cosy and full of character.


For the bolded part, you should either change the first comma to a period and begin a new sentence, or make the second comma a semicolon. It'll flow a little better that way.

Come on now, help yourself, there’s pancakes, waffles, any fruit you like, dig in!”
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Mon Mar 17, 2008 12:28 am
JFW1415 says...



Krazykoreandevil: The whole leant vs. leaned thing is a British vs. American thing. I just learned this. :oops:

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Sun Mar 30, 2008 12:50 am
chocoholic says...



It was a beautiful dawn. The morning sun was drifting up lazily over the mountains, and the air was cool and refreshing. At the outskirts of the mountain range was the largest of them all, and from there you could see the fields and hamlets below perfectly. But the best view of all was of the massive lake separating the mountain range from a thick green forest. The sunrise fell onto it in light yellow sprinkles, a gorgeous sight for anyone lucky enough to be able to see it. The couple who lived in a cottage on that mountain were said to be the luckiest people around for that very reason.


Overall, I like your opening. I just don't like the first sentence. It's not bad, I just think you could come up with something better to start with.

but curiously, could be heard talking to her foster father, Haig.


Why is this a strange thing? To me it's a normal happening. You need to be more clearer here.

“So, today’s the day,” she said. “We’re telling them this morning?”


I really don't think people talk like this. It seems like you're trying to give us a clue, but you don't want us to know, and it just sounds forced. Id re-work it so it's smoother.

“Happy birthday, dears!”


Happy Birthday dears

apologise


apologize

I quite like it. It's very interesting, and I like Fathia and Ovid, I'd like to find out more about them, including why they were taken away.

Are you going o continue it? If you are, could you please let me know when you post more?
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Mon Mar 31, 2008 8:54 am
sylverdawn says...



it's very interesting, but the descriptions seem a bit too detailed, and their should be more emphasis on the letter. I mean, they way it's written, it's something from blood parents that they've never met. I would be more shocked, but you portrayed it with them taking it like it was perfectly normal.

but all in all it seems like a good read.
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