Topic ID: 26664
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moon14
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 Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 2:11 am Post subject: My Brother Has A Gun |
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My brother has a gun,
I saw myself.
He isn't fun anymore,
he doesn't sleep.
Weird people pick on him now,
I'm too small all I can do is watch.
My brother has a gun,
he aimed it at the T.V. once.
It makes me wonder,
does he know how?
Does he know how to shoot the gun,
will he shoot the gun?
My brother has a gun,
I try to stay away from him now.
I can't look at him in the eyes,
they aren't bright and filled with fun.
Only dark with hatred,
or clouded with confusion.
One day I heard him say,
he was going to use the gun.
My brother has a gun,
want somebody listen?
He took it to school today,
his face was emotionless.
I heard screaming outside,
then came the gunshots.
It was over,
I knew I would never see him again.
My brother has a gun,
he shot sixteen people.
He shot himself to,
I had to watch him do it.
I miss my brother,
I know I could have stopped him,
I should have told somebody.
My brother,
had a gun.
___________________________________________________________________________
Yes some of you are right, I wrote this from a very young child's prospective(as in like, 9 or younger). |
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Last edited by moon14 on Wed Jun 11, 2008 11:28 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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Angel of Death
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| Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 3:04 am Post subject: Tears |
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This was amazing...it was short but amazing. I'm speechless...wow!! 
Keep up the good work |
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Heidigirl666
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| Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 9:30 am Post subject: |
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Hmmm...I'm not sure I really liked this, but I think probably with some revision it could be quite good.
At the moment it just seemed to lack feeling. And don't forget to check your spelling.  Unless the spelling mistakes are supposed to be deliberate. They didn't seem to be like they were, and it made it look very clumsy.
It's 'says' and 'lying'.
With something as violent and shocking as a shooting as your subject, perhaps you could weave in some imagery that will convey that? |
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GingerLizzy
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| Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 12:42 pm Post subject: |
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Oof, I have to say, I found this hard to deal with.
It wasn't really a poem, of sorts, and you really only structured it like you were telling someone instead of showing them. Also, the lack of punctuation totally threw me off balance, because it kind of made me rush through the poem without taking a breath!
You need to re-structure some lines through the poem to give it a more poetical view and also to make it flow. Such as the line; "I know he is lieing." This includes a typo, it should be lying. Also, I thought the poem was going well up until this point. The first three lines aren't that bad, ignoring the typo of "said".
You have a good idea, it just needs some tweaking.
Ginge.
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Gahks
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| Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 7:16 pm Post subject: |
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This definitely shows promise.
Most of this consists of bland statements that only skim the emotional surface of the issue at heart. Your was/were expressions, such as:
"Then there was screaming"
could be made much more evocative by turning them around. Make them active. So for the above example, you could try:
"I heard the screams pierce the air,
the shots ringing in my ears"
See how the revision is more direct and pulls you right to the action? The first statement TELLS the reader what is happening, states it; the second SHOWS it.
You could also improve your spelling and punctuation, although this can be easily sorted out. Good start anyway. Keep writing! 6/10  |
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busboys and poets
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| Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 10:54 pm Post subject: |
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This is the sort of thing you find in those annoying chain emails--you know, the ones where the sender wants to look like he or she cares about an issue, but rarely actually does anything more effective than send pointless chains along to unsuspecting friends and family?
I'm not going to beat the you-can't-spell-worth-beans thing to death, but, um... you can't spell worth beans.
Better luck in future endeavours. |
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omgafilangi
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| Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 11:12 pm Post subject: |
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My brother has a gun
I don't know why
He sais its for protection
I know he is lieing
I went to school one morning
Thinking it was a regular day
Then there was screaming
Then a gun shot
I could hear nothing
On the outside of my classroom
He shot sixteen people that day
My brother has a gun
Yes, the spelling is an issue... Hmmm what can I say?
The language in this poem just doesn't do a thing for me. There's a way to use simple language like this and make it work in poetry, but you just didn't accomplish that here. I've said this before to other people and I'll say it here: really good poetry requires a really good understanding of language. You need to find ways to make words work for you. What words paint an image in your mind? What words slap you across the face? What words are silly, boring, inviting, expressive, etc? You just need to experiment a little and observe how words are used. It will help you to do some reading, and by reading I mean from all kinds of authors. Read some Shakespeare, then something more modern. Just read, read, read. Then when you feel like you know how you can adequately get your message across with language, have another go. Right now with what you've given me I feel no sort of emotion, and this has no lasting impact on me at all. I'm sure with an idea of this magnitude that's what you want to go for. Don't give up, but just think about it next time before you try again. Good luck! |
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MidnightVampire
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| Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 3:34 am Post subject: |
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Spelling would be nice, first of all.
that's really good, left me speachless, staring at the screen and wondering when I'll faint. The poem is very simple, but I do like it. Dramatic. I liked it.
Sorry for the sucky review. Guess it was no help at all. Sorry. |
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Dreamwriter
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| Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 3:56 am Post subject: |
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| This is kinda cool, but I couldn't feel a rythem to you words. Most all poems need rythem, and it wasn't there. Though, the intent behind your words were great. |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 7:40 am Post subject: |
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When you first start out, you say, "I don't know why" about the brother's gun, so it seems random when he starts shooting people. Also, even though it's written in a largely straightforward manner, it's slightly boring. I would like to see more character development with the brother and, through his actions BEFORE he started killing everyone, see what was going on in his mind. That would make the brothers sound more realistic.
Still, interesting idea. Describe the characters more, and it should be better. ^^ |
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summergrl13
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| Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 12:28 pm Post subject: |
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| It souns really panicked and hurried trough the story. You need to lengthen it and add more details or it doesn't sound very poetic. Nice idea though. 0(o.o)0. |
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KatieBug
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| Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 8:03 pm Post subject: |
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I gotta say, I do NOT like this. The rhythm and the phrasing and the sensory is basically nonexistant, and you are just leaning on the emotionality of it all, leaving it totally blank.
This needs lots of revisions before it because a good poem. |
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BroadwayLuver
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| Posted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 2:33 am Post subject: |
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| To go against the fold, I really enjoyed this. I believe the short length contributed to the story. The only thing I had a problem with was the spelling, but that can be easily fixed. |
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Incandescence
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| Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 4:14 am Post subject: |
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moon14,
This is truly dreadful. Poetry has a vast arsenal of techniques within reach, and yet your attempt only exhibits the ability to hit the enter key (and the ever-promising misspellings) at the most awkward and unfortunate points.
The much more troubling problem, though, is that this could have been written by a six year old. You need to either seriously re-evaluate what you think poetry is--this includes reading poets such as, say, Zapruder, Pinsky, Kooser, as well as some classics, etc.--or moving to another form altogether (fiction, perhaps).
Best,
Brad |
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STARGAZER14
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| Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 4:43 pm Post subject: |
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| i loved this but the spelling does need fixing |
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