Topic ID: 26659
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
CK Lynn
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 18 Jan 2007
Posts: 335
Reviews: 211
Country: United States
300 Points
|
 Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 10:52 pm Post subject: Legion |
 |
|
What was it like when you could fly? What was it like when you were a little kid and could lose your self in a world of powers?
What if you really had those powers, if you could really fly and shot energy beams? How would you balance two lives? Would you be free, or burdened? And most of all, what if one of your friends went missing? Would you risk your life?
That's the premise of my novel, about a group of teenagers who can do extrodiary things. No, it's not a novelized comic book. One character is heptophobic, two are runaways, a fourth isn't sure if she wants to do this anymore.
The first attachment is just a roll call of the characters. From there the others are in approximately three chapter increments. I know it's long, so you don't have to read it all (though I'd appreciate it) but if you want to know the main idea the first three chapters are a must.
P.S. Because of technical stuff I'm posting the roll call here until I can figure a way to put more than one attachment per post on here. (If yopu know how, PM me)
Roll Call (hero-power)
Ultra- superstrength, flight laser vision
Sonic- Superspeed
Bit- mechanical warsuit, technobit (can "hear" machines)
Flamer- flight, controls and produces fire.
Enchantress- Level 4 soceress
Talon- Flight (wings) energy beams
Skylark- communicates with animals, flight, unbreakable sword |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
LoveableLittleSock
Somebody who has an irrevocable hate for commas
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 02 Jan 2008
Posts: 431
Reviews: 149
Country: United States of America
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 9:08 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hey, just so you know, I just downloaded your story and I'm about to read it. It sounds very interesting. Although I've seen this plot many times before...
And of course, we both know what I'm about to request. If you could be so utterly kind, feast your eyes upon my story.
Unrevised.
Unedited.
Roughly Five Thousand Words.
You'll breeze through it in no time.
As I will with this. Toodles until I'm finished! |
_________________
Writing is far from just a hobby. It's a passion.
Need an utterly fabulous Critique that's absoloutely free?
A Loveable Little Contest... (Ends Aug 5) |
|
| Back to top |
|
LoveableLittleSock
Somebody who has an irrevocable hate for commas
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 02 Jan 2008
Posts: 431
Reviews: 149
Country: United States of America
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 12:19 am Post subject: |
|
|
I would critique this better if I had more time. You used to many comments and everything was pretty convienient, if you ask me. Somebody saves someone else's life, and they go "Thanks, but you could have done a better job."
I have to admit your vocabulary was spectacular. Through-out the story you had a very clear image in your mind of what was happening. Your dialogue lacked detail, though. There are others words you CAN use besides "said."
It was a bit stereotypical - the plot - but you did make it your own. If you edit it a bit more the story will be even better.
~*Sara*~ |
_________________
Writing is far from just a hobby. It's a passion.
Need an utterly fabulous Critique that's absoloutely free?
A Loveable Little Contest... (Ends Aug 5) |
|
| Back to top |
|
krazykoreandevil
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 10 Mar 2008
Posts: 16
Reviews: 9
Country: This is my kingdom
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 8:13 pm Post subject: |
|
|
hmm... sara is right, story does seem kinda cliche. other than that, i'll have to get around to reading it. you should expect a critique from me soon  |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
krazykoreandevil
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 10 Mar 2008
Posts: 16
Reviews: 9
Country: This is my kingdom
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 8:19 pm Post subject: |
|
|
ugh, sara beat me to the editing... 
good job with that xD
besides that, the vocab is quite good. you kept a nice pace, and the tone of it was good. Overall spectacular job. but, your dialouge is kinda weak...
next
Ultra shot a laser hole through one. The beam from her eyes punctured one, then another and another, until she had eight skewered. They folded like a deck of cards, unmoving
in that sentence, u don't need the "laser" in "ultra shota laster hole through one."
since in the next sentence you say that the beam is from her eyes. keep it if u wish though.
good story, get more ideas that are not too often used, and get writing!
and yes i did write this and read that all in 6 minutes, so not the greatest critique. Pace in chapter 2 goes faster than the rest, by the way. Almost no dialouge in it either. But then again...GET WRITING! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
