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Diary of a Villain: Prologue Part 1



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Sun Mar 02, 2008 4:11 am
Sleeping Valor says...



*bows* Thanks for reading. It's been fun.

^_^ Keek out!
Last edited by Sleeping Valor on Wed Jul 06, 2011 9:39 pm, edited 13 times in total.
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Sun Mar 02, 2008 12:50 pm
Autumn says...



This is really good! =] I haven't read DoaV so I can't really make a comparison but it definately seems to have promise and made me want to read more.

well I'm not to great at giving feedback/crit >.< but I'll give it a go..

Feedback Questions
1) What do you think of Judge Esten? Does she seem like a realistic character? Yeh, I thought you developed her character well
2) Do you feel the story could benefit from more description? If so, where?
3) Do you feel you have an acceptable understanding of what's going on? Do you think there was a lack of explanation? Were there elements you'd like to understand better? Or was there too much telling and not enough showing?

I got a lil bit confuzed with this part -

Esten had been born into the six hundred and twenty-first universe, dying during the turn of the 21st century. Her office reflected the era she had grown in, but since the seven hundredth universe was still in it’s early years, it was entirely alien to the souls who came to her daily.

4) Did you find parts of the story so far confusing? (ex: the fact I didn't name the souls)

the above, also I don't understand this part -

The souls looked at each other, and the female took a place I the east before the desk.

5) Did you find this at all interesting? =P Should I try and get more of a hook in there at the beginning? *feels like the story starts off very slowly* I think the beginning was fine, it was pretty intriguing and made me want to read on
6) I changed the title from Diary of a Villain to Trial of a Villain. I don't like it; I think DoaV was more interesting. Thoughts?? (*is working on a new and better one as soon as it comes to her*) Trial of a Villain isn't bad, DoaV does sound more interesting but I'm sure you can think up a better one in time

Also, unless it was for a specific reason, I think it would be better to put the section in first person after the part about the souls, instead of sliced in between.

Typos:

The soul reached into eh pool.

And with the number of lives in the universes all having reached heir ‘growth’ stage
  





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Sun Mar 02, 2008 4:23 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



Oooohhh....

Feedback Questions
1) What do you think of Judge Esten? Does she seem like a realistic character?


I really liked her. She is a great character.

2) Do you feel the story could benefit from more description? If so, where?


No, to me it was fine. You did a great job in painting the picture without drowning the reader in words.

3) Do you feel you have an acceptable understanding of what's going on? Do you think there was a lack of explanation? Were there elements you'd like to understand better? Or was there too much telling and not enough showing?


There was quite a bit of telling rather than showing, but it was mostly stuff that we wouldn't know otherwise, so I'm not quite sure how to tell you how to fix it. There were some info-dumps (about the reapers, Esten's office and such) but I really am not sure what to tell you to do there.

The two parts that Autumn pointed out, I also had trouble with those... What exactly was going on there?

4) Did you find parts of the story so far confusing? (ex: the fact I didn't name the souls)


No, I have figured out who the female one is already, and we haven't met the male one yet, so I wouldn't know. I liked the fact that they remained anonymous. It will give the reader a sense of triumph when they figure out who they are. And plus, with your descriptions of them and the one scene we have seen already in Yazra's mind, I'm already attached to the characters, even without names.

5) Did you find this at all interesting? =P Should I try and get more of a hook in there at the beginning? *feels like the story starts off very slowly*


No, I like it the way it is. Sweet job...

6) I changed the title from Diary of a Villain to Trial of a Villain. I don't like it; I think DoaV was more interesting. Thoughts?? (*is working on a new and better one as soon as it comes to her*)


I liked Diary of a Villain better, but I really suck and titles, so I can't help you there... Sorry...

Sorry there are so many questions. This is a new take on DoaV so I have a lot of questions about what people think. I'm open to all other input, of course. ^_^


Hey, no problem with the questions. I actually appreciate it, since it lets me know what you want help with specifically, plus it leaves the door open for more stuff at the same time.

Feedback Questions for old readers
1) What do you think of the changes I've made? Do you think it has promise?


Yes! This is so great. It honestly makes for a bit more of an interesting beginning in my opinion. Very nice job.

*applause*

~GryphonFledgling
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Sun Mar 02, 2008 6:54 pm
Sleeping Valor says...



Also, unless it was for a specific reason, I think it would be better to put the section in first person after the part about the souls, instead of sliced in between.

=P It is there for a specific reason, actually. That's the memory the souls chooses to share with Esten in its defence. I might be altering the way it is presented, though. I'm playing with the idea of having the whole thing in itlic without the '###' separting it. I'll see if it's too confusing. =P

Yes! This is so great. It honestly makes for a bit more of an interesting beginning in my opinion. Very nice job.

^_^ I'm glad you liked it. When I got the idea, I thought it would probably be a little confusing at first, but it felt right to use it.

Thanks for the crits guys! I made the changes to those parts (mostly typos. I don't know why Microsoft Word thinks 'eh' is a word >_>) so hopefully they'll be less confusing.

^_^ Keek!
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Mon Mar 03, 2008 4:06 am
Teh Wozzinator says...



Sorry, I don't have time for a crit right now, tomorrow I'll read this and edit this post, but I wanted to say... "someone got confused". XD XD :D

Okay, here's my crit:

"you would earn years in hell for theft"

Typo, I believe?

"The souls looked at each other, and the female took a place in the seat before the desk. The other, male, floated behind her, ethereal hand’s still locked together. Esten rarely had the pleasure of knowing whether or not to call her spirits sir or madam, since they rarely had the presence of mind to define themselves as male or female."

Wouldn't she know what to call them, since she can tell whether they're male or female? Your wording here makes it sound like you're saying that she doesn't know what sex they are, where I believe you mean that they themselves don't know? Your wording gets confusing here...

"There was a man with a pitch fork through his stomach lying on the floor, after all."

Pitchfork is one word...

In the second scene between the "####################"s, I guess you took that from the doctor part. I like this version better, because the way you wrote the doctor, it seemed like the story was set in more recent times. But in this version, you don't tell us why she killed the farmer (or even if she was the one who did it), whereas you did with the doctor. A little bit more background info would be helpful here.

"Esten stared as the image faded and the pool returned to its silvery color."

That sounds a lot like the little memory things in Harry Potter... (I can't remember the name.)

"“A single memory cannot trace the map of our lives. This one is as good as any,”"

I liked this.

"Esten realized, with annoyance, that this was a full case."

Another typo.

"Johnson, their reaper, was fresh off the wrack No w in "rack". and his green hand in the field showed."

Besides the typo, I loved this sentence.

"However, it was much easier for her to pass fair judgment this way."

"Some good acts showed as well, but they Do you mean then?? many were unconscious, meaning this soul had not intended them."

... typo, I guess

"There was far darker than there was light."

I think that "far more dark" is what you're looking for here?

"Finally, she took off the glasses and reached into the bowl, the case folding up under her touch. In the language of administrators, she dictated the sentence. It would be a long one, and none too kind. Many lives stained this soul."

I liked the administrators sentence... but I'm guessing this is Yazra, isn't it... if it is, that's too bad, because I thought she was nicer than this. :cry: :D

"“Your soul will be returned to the mortal plain.”
“Will I have my memories?”
“No. Your essence will be completely recycled, made anew. You will continue to exist, but you won’t be aware of it, though you might end up with a similar personality.”"

Don't you want to space these paragraphs out? Also, I didn't understand this. Does it mean that she'll continue to exist, but she won't remember her former self? Or will she be more like a ghost?

Question answers:

1) What do you think of Judge Esten? Does she seem like a realistic character? Realistic enough, I think. I think you did a pretty good job with her.
2) Do you feel the story could benefit from more description? If so, where? Good here, too... more description with the farmer scene, however.
3) Do you feel you have an acceptable understanding of what's going on? Do you think there was a lack of explanation? Were there elements you'd like to understand better? Or was there too much telling and not enough showing? I understand fine... I think. I'm guessing that the female soul was Yazra... kinda interesting that she hooked up with a perfect guy. XD XD XD
4) Did you find parts of the story so far confusing? (ex: the fact I didn't name the souls) The farmer scene... Other than that, nope. I like mystery like that... I like writing and reading that way.
5) Did you find this at all interesting? =P Should I try and get more of a hook in there at the beginning? *feels like the story starts off very slowly* [b]Okay, I didn't like it as much as the start of DoaV (original), but it was still pretty good.

6) I changed the title from Diary of a Villain to Trial of a Villain. I don't like it; I think DoaV was more interesting. Thoughts?? (*is working on a new and better one as soon as it comes to her*) Ugh. I am terrible at this (titles)... seriously. Sorry! (I did like DoaV better though...)

1) What do you think of the changes I've made? Do you think it has promise? Yes, I think so... I think you did a very good job with this scene.

Overall, good job, Keek! (Again.)

I like your idea for a twist!

Teh Wozzinator
Last edited by Teh Wozzinator on Mon Mar 03, 2008 9:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Mon Mar 03, 2008 4:44 pm
Stori says...



To be honest, I don't like the change. I mean, "administrating" heaven and hell? And no, souls don't choose where they go.
  





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Mon Mar 03, 2008 6:06 pm
MidnightVampire says...



Ok, not the best at crits.(as you have probably noticed.) The change to me is a little odd, i don't know where it's really going. I do, however, think that if this was a book then I would read it.

Feedback Questions:

1. Judge Esten does seem like a real character, I don't know what else I could say to that, she thinks and such. There isn't much emotion though, but I think that's really hard to put in this type of situation.

2. i think that the description was fine, except maybe more description on Judge Esten's appearance.

3. i would like to understand the 'recycling' and memories. That confuzed me a little. Showing and telling... I really don't have much judge for that.

4. This was interesting, in the beginning I was wondering where it was going, because it started off by introducing us to a character.

5. The tittle didn't pick me up as much, but it does make more sense than DoaV, because there isn't a diary anymore. But, if you could think of a more catchy name, then that would be lovely.

Feedback Question for old readers:
1. I like the changes, they are interesting. I think this does have promise.
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Mon Mar 03, 2008 6:14 pm
Window says...



This is really good! Even though it might have seemed to start off slow, you don't want to throw an onslaught of action to the reader in the first two paragraphs.

In the first paragraph, there was a little thing that kind of gave the sentence a hiccup-feeling, which you might want to look into smoothing out. It was right here -
“Next,” she sighed, wishing for the third time that day—and she’d only done three souls since opening her office an hour ago—she wished that she still had a secretary. -
It might be a debatable point, but 'wishing for the third time that day -(something else)-she wished that...' slightly disrupts that flow of the paragraph.

Concerning descriptions and making things clear, you do enough of that. Most readers don't expect to get all the information about the world or universe that they are reading about in the prologue or in the chapter. Since you're writing from the point of view of someone who has lived in that world for centuries, it makes the beginning easier to write it as she would think it - though there will be tons of unknown (to the reader) words or names or things mentioned. Usually in books that have extremely different universes, the readers know that they will find out more about the universe through the course of the book. So, make sure that you sufficiently familiarize the reader with everything they need to know, though gently and a bit at a time. Make sense?

This story has great potential. Keep up the good work!
  





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Mon Mar 03, 2008 6:46 pm
Sleeping Valor says...



Kyte wrote:To be honest, I don't like the change. I mean, "administrating" heaven and hell? And no, souls don't choose where they go.

=P Sorry you don't much like it. If you feel that way, just wait until chapter one, things mostly go back to normal then. I don't know if the idea is horribly original, but I was having trouble figuring out how to tie everything together and somehow ended up here. I'd like to, once I find the time, actually work on this aspect of the world a bit more. I don't really like that I'm using heaven and hell, but right now I am so swamped with homework I haven't got the time to come up with a nicer concept.

MidnightVampire wrote:The tittle didn't pick me up as much, but it does make more sense than DoaV, because there isn't a diary anymore. But, if you could think of a more catchy name, then that would be lovely.

Thanks for the crit! I do love heaving from people, even if they don't think they have much to say. And yes, I feel the same way about the title. I'm going to have to wait for the story to develop a bit more to come up with something better. *would have called it DoaV anyways if she didn't already have so much stuff with that name up* >_>

Window, thanks! You're advice is very helpful. I think you're right, explaining the world right away isn't necessary. *brain working overtime* :D Okies! I shall go make some changes ASAP. Thanks a bundle!
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Thu Mar 06, 2008 4:26 am
gyrfalcon says...



Darling! Here we are, and here we go:


the seven hundredth Soul Transition Station


Might work better as “700th”


The line went all the way along the short “Next,” she sighed,


Eh? Confuzzled bird.


Esten had been born during the 21st century on the third ‘sentient’ world of the six hundred and twenty-third universe. Her office reflected the era she had grown in, with modernized chairs, lamps and a glow lamp on in the corner. Since the seven hundredth universe was still in its early years, the environment was entirely alien to the souls who came to her daily. Luckily, this universe had magic, so they did not cower away from the electric lights as she’d learned souls tended to do in other universes.


Okay, except for that first sentence, you handle this exposition beautifully, intermingling it with description and some nice world-building. It’s just that first sentence feels like you’re saying “Okay, now I’m going to tell you a, b, c, and d.” Either nix it or, if you can, modify it so it doesn’t start the otherwise great paragraph off on the wrong foot.


the presence of mind to define themselves as male or female.


And how do they define themselves? Appearance? Aura? Funny smell?


At the station in her universe, there had been greeters who worked under the reaper who explained these simple things to the spirits when they arrived, but this universe was too new; the station only counted the Reaper, two under reapers, three hundred case workers who came and went, and Esten herself.


Ah! Drowning in long sentence with lots of info! Please break this up into at least 2, preferably 3 sentences, and maybe clarify a little bit (especially “the station only counted”—I didn’t get that phrase at all).


The reapers, to Esten’s annoyance, had the responsibility of ferrying the souls to their respective places.


Um…why does this annoy her?


responsible to watching the souls


“for”


Esten gaped.

Esten frowned.


There’s only a mere sentence between these two, and it just seems a bit of a gear-shift to go from gaping directly to frowning. Perhaps have more transition or just tone down the words (something less “extreme” than gasping or frowning).


you would ear years in hell


“earn”


I will take it’s content


“its”


There was a man with a pitch fork through his stomach lying on the floor, after all.


*applause* It’s just you, darling—your humor is incomparable, your timing delightful.


Esten realized, wit annoyance, that this was a full case.


1. “with” 2. what does “full case” mean?


There allowed her to see a soul's ‘acts’ in colors


“They”


and almost instantly the second was at her side


Wait, I thought the “first” soul was the “he”…. Confused!


hated about coupled[/red]


“couples”


“You’re next.” She said. The male soul hesitated, but took the chair while his partner floated off to the side.


Oh! So we were still on the first soul! Please try to make that clearer…


Someone had [color=red]sent too much time


“spent”


Also—I thought “case files” were what the souls left of themselves in the bowl, now it seems they’re something someone else compiled; could you clarify?



1) I like Esten; she comes across as totally believable, just a relatively ordinary person going about their job.
2) Hadn’t really thought about it—I don’t think so, not at this stage.
3) Um, like I said, just some confusion about the “case files” thing, and which was speaking/being judged—wouldn’t Esten have their names on file?
4) Lol, see above ^
5) No! You start off perfectly; even if you weren’t my friend I’dve been hooked!
6) I agree with you—Diary is better than Trial, but not perfect…I shall apply thought to the matter


Just a thing: since you are dealing with the--let's face it--rather heavy topics of souls, heaven, hell, and at least semi-eternal damnation, it would be appropriate to rate this PG-13 if you haven't yet (sorry, I can't check from where I am). Also, there's the whole murdering people thing. My apologies if you've already handled it and I'm just being redundant here.

P.S. The "administering" is pretty darn original, as far as I know, and you handle it very well.
"In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function...We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful." ~C.S. Lewis
  





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Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:37 am
Caligula's Launderette says...



Hello, dear.

I really enjoyed reading this, and if you have any questions about my critique or can't read my writing, please tell me.

Ta,
Cal.

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Fri Mar 07, 2008 4:05 pm
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Artecila says...



I liked it, but it seemed a little harsh to put anyone in Hell because of their actions, and then to heaven because they were good. A strong Christian belief I guess, but are you familiar with 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions'?

You don't seem to be a Dante fan in the least, the first level of hell is exactly like Earth, except it is somber and bleak (like how all goth kids see the world) and they get progressively worse based on your worst sins. Granted purgatory was for all good heretics, but the Pope kinda decreed it didn't exist awhile back...or was that limbo? The names confuse me a bit on the first and heretic level of the afterlife. However it was said that only those who escaped Hell could work there way up to Heaven and eternal bliss. Sort of like a giant mountain thing.

Yours takes after the Raphael's work I take it. Those who go to Hell, serve their time and then go to heaven? Though the cyclic existence is an eastern idea, the western one is the great battle kind, your workings of the afterlife were simple yet interesting.

Not going to answer the other 6 questions, since I don't deviate too much from other people, but it was good.
  





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Fri Mar 07, 2008 4:42 pm
Sleeping Valor says...



Artecila, thanks for the comment. I'll look into those theories. *has never heard of them* =P I was thinking a lot about the heaven and hell thing, and realized at some point that the two are far too predefined (is that the English word? *thinks*) for what I was trying to accomplish. Though I did like how indifferent Esten seems when she goes off sentencing people to hell. I'm working out a new world concept for this that moves away from the conventional afterlife idea.

Caligula's Launderette, thanks! ^_^ My first scanned comment. XD I can read your writing fine, I appreciate the feedback. I think I'll take your suggestion on the title, if it still works out after I change the world concept. >.< *really must stop restarting*

gyrfalcon, thanks for commenting! I'll be getting to your soon, March Break has finally started. =P I'm glad you found the administration idea original, I think I may have read it somewhere before, though not the way I have it, so I wasn't sure it sounded 'done'.

Merci tout the monde! I appreciate all your comments.

^_^ Keek!
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And apparently I also write a blog.
  





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Sun Mar 09, 2008 11:18 am
Rydia says...



topic26319.html
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Sun Mar 09, 2008 4:19 pm
Rydia says...



If I repeat mistakes that others have already indicated, I apologise -

The line went all the way along the short [You appear to be missing some words here.]“Next,” she sighed, wishing for the third time that day—and she’d only done three souls since opening her office an hour ago— that she still had a secretary.

[s]Oh uh, she thought.[/s] [That first part is unecessary. You portray her character well enough through longer thoughts and dialogue later on.] “I can only do one at a time,” she informed them, motioning for one of them to come forward.

And caseworkers were responsible [s]to[/s] for watching the souls in the mortal realm and recording their case information.

In hell, you will be submitted to punishments befitting of your crimes, in heaven you will live freely and happily until you have used up all your years and are returned to the moral [I think you meant mortal.] realm for a new life,”

If you stole to survive, you would earn years in hell for theft, but if you had stolen to feed yourself and a sibling, then you would also earn time in heaven for caring for the sibling.

All you have to do is focus on a memory, and I will take [s]it’s[/s] its content into consideration.”

The soul hesitated; [s]it’s[/s] its glow flickering in places as it debated.

Esten realized, with annoyance, that this was a full case.

[s]There[/s] They allowed her to see a soul's ‘acts’ in colors.

However, it was much easier for her to pass fair judgment this way.

Some good acts showed as well, but they [s]many[/s] were mainly [s]were[/s] unconscious, meaning this soul had not intended them.

Esten said, a small smile creeping [s]unto[/s] onto her face.

____________________________

I will answer the question for old readers first. I think that the method of judgement and recycling souls is an excellent idea but I miss the style of DOAV. However, you said you'd be reverting back to that so it probably works out as an improvement. I'm just wondering where your plot is going to go. Will it be a sequence of flash-backs? Or do you intend to tell the story of the characters' time in hell?

1) What do you think of Judge Esten? Does she seem like a realistic character? Yes. I like her character. I think you've developed her well and she's easy to relate to. I've met a few magistrates and the odd judge and while they tend to be more proffessional while they're working and laid back when they're talking to you about their work, I think her 'ordinary' almost casual attitude is good.

2) Do you feel the story could benefit from more description? If so, where? How do the souls look? Do they retain their human forms or are they the traditional white blob?

3) Do you feel you have an acceptable understanding of what's going on? Do you think there was a lack of explanation? Were there elements you'd like to understand better? Or was there too much telling and not enough showing? I think you gave just a touch too much information in places. Sometimes it's best to let the reader's imagination fill in the odd gap. But it was good and understandable.

4) Did you find parts of the story so far confusing? (ex: the fact I didn't name the souls) No.

5) Did you find this at all interesting? =P Should I try and get more of a hook in there at the beginning? *feels like the story starts off very slowly* I found it interesting. I think you could cut a little of the beginning but it was generally good.

6) I changed the title from Diary of a Villain to Trial of a Villain. I don't like it; I think DoaV was more interesting. Thoughts?? (*is working on a new and better one as soon as it comes to her*) I don't think wither title is adequate to be honest. Your old one was better but I'm sure you can think of something that fits more. Don't rush it. Use TOAV as a temporary title and you might find that an event or scene you add later inspires you with a new, perfect title.
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