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Risen From Ashes: Chapter One



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Sat Mar 01, 2008 10:19 pm
enjeru says...



The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes were the lights. There were dozens of them, softly pulsing in many different colors. I blinked. They remained there. I looked around, trying to place myself. All I could see was grey brick and grey sky. I tried to remember how I got here, but nothing surfaced. I blinked again, trying to clear my head. I realized I was lying down, so o lifted my head to pick myself up. As soon as I did, however, a hot, sharp pain shot through my head and down my spine.

“Ow,” I groaned hoarsely, grabbing the back of my head. The pain subsided into a dull throbbing, but I was seeing spots. I waited, taking deep breaths, until I was sure I was okay. Then I slowly got to my feet and pulled my hand away form the back of my head. There were a few specks of dark red on my fingers. Dried blood.

I didn’t know how I knew, and that, combined with the blood, confused me further. I looked around, recognizing somewhat that I was in some sort of alleyway, but I had no idea where, and that didn’t help me any.

I faced the entrance of the alley. There were the lights again, only brighter, more noticeable this time. And they were moving, coming in and out of view as they passed behind the alley walls. I looked closer. The lights seemed to be following people. No—they were coming from the people. As each person passed, a different color light emanated from them. There was blue, yellow, red, pink, green—any and every color you could imagine. I could even see one or two black-colored lights.

Confused and curious, I slowly crept out of the dingy alleyway into the dim light. A couple of people stared and I stared back, wide-eyed. Most others ignored me. I craned my neck upwards while taking small, unsure steps, awed by the enormity of the buildings.

That was when I ran into him. I mean smack straight into him. I wasn’t paying any attention and he just popped out of nowhere. And he was quite solid, too, because I bounced off him and landed on the concrete, on my butt.

“Oh, I’m really sorry,” he said, holding out a hand to help me up. I just sat there, staring at him. The light around him was amazing. It was huge—easily twice as big as any other person’s I had seen. It was a brilliant bright white with small light blue streaks here and there. And the light certainly matched his features—a sophisticated round face surrounding baby blue eyes and framed by a mass of thick, dark brown hair. I blinked, stunned. An amused smile crept over his face, brightening his features. He knelt down by me.

“Did I knock over a deaf-mute, or are you just that amazed by me?” he asked, sliding a hand under my chin and tilting my head up so he could look at my face better. I half-smiled.

“I can talk.” I studied his face a few moments longer. “And I probably look like crap next to you right now.” His response was a chuckle.

“Well, I’m sure after a hot shower that’ll all change. You look like you can enjoy one. And you’re in luck—I know a place that can provide just that, and more. If you’re interested.” I nodded. I felt like I needed a shower. And a new set of clothes. I looked down at what I had on. Black t-shirt, dark blue jeans, tennis shoes. Everything was nondescript, inconspicuous. Except for the few random splotches of dried blood. Sheesh. What the hell did I do?

“So, do you have a name?” the guy cocked his head in a curious manner. I opened my mouth to answer, then closed it again. A confused look crossed my face. I tried to call up my name to mind, but nothing surfaced. Oh, no, I thought. How could I forget my name? What happened? How did I get this way? I started panicking. My hands shook. I looked in his eyes, worry plastered on my face.

“I—I don’t know,” I confessed. His smile gradually faded as the realization sunk in. He sucked in a breath and slowly let it out, his eyebrows knitted together, thinking.

“Well, this is serious,” he said, mostly to himself, it seemed. “You should be checked out. Come with me.” He took both my hands and helped me up. Then, keeping ahold of one of my hands, he led me through the maze of the crowd. People rushed past in a blur, the world becoming a mash of colors. I gave me a headache, so I focused on the guy and the splendid colors radiating from him. Somehow I knew that the colors held an attractive quality as opposed to others.

“Oh, by the way, I’m Javier,” he told me, interrupting my train of thought.

“Oh, well…that’s good to know,” I replied, trying to recollect myself. I opened my mouth to say more, but we had stopped.

“We’re here.” I checked out or destination. It was a large mansion, three stories tall with dark red brick and white shutters. The roof was flat, with black wrought iron railing around the perimeter, to ensure no one up there would fall off. Huge white marble steps led up to French doors, and a fountain spouted quietly in the front. I gaped, speechless.

“Welcome to Charter Organizations,” Javier said behind me.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Yep, new story. ^__^ I have a couple of questions for ya'll:

1. I'm pretty sure that the part where Javier took the girl was a bit choppy. Any suggestions on how to fix that?

2. I'm doing this story form different points of view, one chapter per person (Which means I'll title the chapter based on who's point of view I'm writing). What do you think of this?

Don't worry, I'll explain a little more in the second chapter. right now i'm just trying show the girl's emotions clearly.
Hope ya'll enjoy!!

~Enjeru
"To look into the eyes of a wolf is to see your own soul."

-Aldo Leopold
  





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Sun Mar 02, 2008 12:06 am
biancarayne says...



To answer the questions: The part where Javier met the "girl" seemed to go by far too fast in my opinion, and didn't at all seem very realistic, for some reason. Why does he just take her with him like that? There doesn't seem to be any motive or reason for him doing so. Yeah, she's beat up but still. I don't know. This is definitely a very intriguing story and seems as though it will be absolutely BEYOND amazing with some rewrites. As far as how it's written, personally a lot of the sentences were too short and choppy, like it seemed to make everything go by even faster so none of the story managed to stick in my head as much as it should have. Some of the descriptions seem bare and could be fleshed out a bit, but you might want to get someone else's opinion on that- I can be a bit detail-crazy. Basically, my main problem with this would be that everything goes by too fast, and that doesn't really work I think with what you have here.
  





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Sun Mar 02, 2008 8:11 pm
enjeru says...



ok, thanks. that was one of the things i was afriad of. some of the holes in the details should be fleshed out a bit in the next chapter, including why Javier took her with him. like i said before, it's going to be told from different points of view, and the girl has absolutely NO clue what is going on at this point. i'm afraid i can't say more without revealing too much, but that's basically what's going on.
"To look into the eyes of a wolf is to see your own soul."

-Aldo Leopold
  





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Mon Mar 03, 2008 6:30 am
mikedb1492 says...



Hey, I'm Mike and I'm here to review you.
There were dozens of them, softly pulsing in many different colors.

Change the phrase 'in many different colors' to something like 'in an array of colors' or 'in a rainbow of colors.' This just paints a better picture in the reader's mind and sounds more professional.
I blinked. They remained there.

I don't like these sentences. They just don't sound well in the paragraph. Maybe you could combine them?
As each person passed,a different color light emanated from them.

put 'of' between 'color' and 'light'. It sounds better.
I wasn’t paying any attention and he just popped out of nowhere. And he was quite solid, too, because I bounced off him and landed on the concrete, on my butt.

Get rid of the word 'And' at the beginning of the second sentence. IT sounds worse with it. Also, get rid of the 'on my butt' part. It just clashes with the sentence.
“Oh, I’m really sorry,” he said, holding out a hand to help me up. I just sat there, staring at him. The light around him was amazing. It was huge—easily twice as big as any other person’s I had seen. It was a brilliant, bright white with small, light blue streaks here and there. And the light certainly matched his features—a sophisticated round face surrounding baby blue eyes and framed by a mass of thick, dark brown hair. I blinked, stunned. An amused smile crept over his face, brightening his features. He knelt down by me.

I have to say I really like this paragraph. It flowed decent enough and definetally showed the importance of that kid. The only thing I'm going to tell you to do is add the commas I did (there in bold print).
“Did I knock over a deaf-mute, or are you just that amazed by me?” he asked, sliding a hand under my chin and tilting my head up so he could look at my face better. I half-smiled.

Is the main character a girl? Because me, being a boy, would find it creepy if a guy I'd just bumped into lightly grabbed my chin and tilted it up so he could get a good look at me.
I gave me a headache

It gave me a headache

As you can see, I had a lot of corrections, but don't fret. This has the potential to be a great story, and because of that I'm going to keep checking in to see the next part. All you have to do is revise.
  





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Tue Mar 04, 2008 12:24 am
enjeru says...



ok. i will say this one more time.

Don't worry. Most of Jaiver's actions will make sense once i post the next chapter up. it will be form his point of view, so it will hopefully give some sense to his acitons. i cannot say more for fear of spoiling the story.

...

but thanks anyways. ^__^

(and yes, the main character is a girl.)
"To look into the eyes of a wolf is to see your own soul."

-Aldo Leopold
  





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Tue Mar 11, 2008 7:23 pm
Rydia says...



I think you have an intriguing start here. I will answer your questions in a moment but firt a few small suggestions/ corrections -

I realized I was lying down, so [s]o[/s] I lifted my head to pick myself up.

I looked around, recognizing somewhat that I was in some sort of alleyway, but I had no idea where, and that didn’t help me any. [Your persona has a rather colloquial tone that annoys me a touch but it's a good way to show character. It isn't related to this chapter but I think it would be good if you gave your male persona a more sophisticated style of writing.]

No—they were coming from the people. [I think you should just italicize 'from' here because that's the word you want to emphasize or at least the word it makes most sense to emphasize.]

You look like you [s]can[/s] would enjoy one. [Don't change tense.]

“Oh, well…that’s good to know,” [You need a space after the ellipse.]

“We’re here.” I checked out our destination.

It was a large mansion, three stories tall with dark red bricks and white shutters.
______________________________

1. I'm pretty sure that the part where Javier took the girl was a bit choppy. Any suggestions on how to fix that? It was a little choppy. I think that you should perhaps have at least one of the characters hesitate. The girl is too trusting and Javier, well Javier we don't know yet.

2. I'm doing this story form different points of view, one chapter per person (Which means I'll title the chapter based on who's point of view I'm writing). What do you think of this? It's a good idea, will give the reader a chance to learn more about each character.

In general, I think this is a good start. It's strange and invokes a lot of questions which maintains the interest of your reader. Your descriptions of the lights are quite simple but nice and they add a touch of fantasy Your characters are currently interesting and your plot reasonably paced with some action. It's a lovely start. There could be more description but it's good.
Writing Gooder

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Thu Mar 20, 2008 1:38 am
GryphonFledgling says...



1. I'm pretty sure that the part where Javier took the girl was a bit choppy. Any suggestions on how to fix that?


Other people have beaten me to this question, so I won't repeat what they said. However, I really did not think of the viewpoint character as a girl at first. It really wasn't made clear and my first thought was that it was a boy.

2. I'm doing this story form different points of view, one chapter per person (Which means I'll title the chapter based on who's point of view I'm writing). What do you think of this?


Sounds interesting, but I will have to read more before I give an informed opinion.

I second biancarayne's comments about Javier's behavior. It seems totally unmotivated and a little odd. I mean, he just suddenly gets really familiar with this seemingly homeless, mentally unstable (she doesn't seem to be unstable in the conventional way, but she is at least amnesiac) person that he doesn't know and has never seen before. I mean, within ten seconds of meeting her, he is touching her face. Generally, that is bad social grace, since touching someone's face implies great intimacy in most situations.

I understand you said that much is to be explained in the next chapter... I just wanted to get my two cents in. These are questions that the reader will have before they get to the explanations and if they are impatient and things are too unrealistic, they might leave before they even get that far.

Anyway, interesting beginning... Good luck with your writing!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  





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Thu Mar 20, 2008 4:31 am
Memento Mori says...



. I'm pretty sure that the part where Javier took the girl was a bit choppy. Any suggestions on how to fix that?

It's not that bad, really. In fact, it's above average. I've read other published stories that were worse.

2. I'm doing this story form different points of view, one chapter per person (Which means I'll title the chapter based on who's point of view I'm writing). What do you think of this?

It's a good idea, as long as your readers can follow your train of thought. You should make them understand whose point of view it is. If you don't, they're likely to ignore the rest of the story due to confusion.

Anyway, I liked the beginning. I'll be waiting for chapter 2.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, pee in it, and serve it to the people who piss you off. Outdo yourself. ^^
  





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Thu Mar 20, 2008 1:41 pm
Fan says...



1. The bit where Javier takes the girl in seems a bit rushed and slightly unrealistic. I mean, if you suddenly found yourself lying on the street with dried blood on your hands, would you let any random stranger pick you off the street? The girl should be a bit more suspicious, confused, and scared at first. Reflecting this through writing is reasonably easy. Choppy, short sentences ( as long as your don't go overboard) is a nice way of conveying confusion. There also doesn't seem to be much characterisation yet. I'm interested because of this as I want to know more, but there should be a few bits of character personality.

2. You do how you want to do it. I had this thing where I swapped POVs even inside a chapter (though they were long chapters) and it did fine. Many people do what you're considering. Just let us know who's POV it is.

~Fan~
  





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Fri Mar 21, 2008 5:41 pm
Blue Fairy says...



I think you need to slow everything down more and describe whats going on and the surroundings more clearly.

You seem to jump in with Javier a bit quickly then suddenly she's letting him take her away and he could be anyone. I liked the way you described him but I still think you need more detail on how she reacts to him and everything

good luck! :D

~Blue Fairy
Formely known as Fairy_twinkletoes_13

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