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Beyond the Heart
Beyond the Heart

by crazy_lil_blondie in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on February 27, 2008
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Clamor and Sensation
Topic ID: 26453
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Black Cat Sachiko   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 3:51 am    Post subject: Clamor and Sensation Reply with quote

Clamor and Sensation

Days go by, and the horrors continue. The girl steadily grows weaker and weaker. Her bones cannot take much more of the torment, and her soul is near the breaking point. She does not even struggle when they take her from her cell. She has resigned herself to her fate.

She lies in her corner, and hears the men go by on their way to another victim.

“This batch won’t last much longer,” she hears one man say.

“Yeah,” another says, a leer to his voice. “I swear they get weaker and weaker with each new shipment.”

His companion laughs, and they pass onward, trailing terror and despair behind them.

The girl listens to them pass, and closes her eyes, her eyelids heavy, and puffy. Her dress is tatters, and her hair grows in straggly patches.

Her every sense is heightened and the cold, stone floor seems a living thing as she brushes her fingertips against it. The sound of the rats’ claws against the stone floor is a screaming symphony to her ears.

She opens her tired, swollen eyes, and stares in the direction she knows the door to be in. The darkness presses against her eyes like a hand, and she closes them wearily, losing herself to a fitful sleep that offers little comfort.

She awakes several hours later to loud shouts and stomping of feet outside her cell. She blinks gently, trying not to irritate her eyes.

The sounds of battle beat through her door like a cannon, and even after a sound has faded, it reverberates over and over in her head like a chant until she can barely stand it.

She crouches in her corner, and covers her ears with both of her hands, whispering quietly to herself to block the noises. She has lost the will to scream. It has been lost for some time.

It seems like hours before the battles cease, and it is not until hours afterward that she can bear to uncover her ears. She sits still, and listens for any sounds outside her cell. It all seems quiet.

The girl does not move from her spot, and waits. She does not know what she is waiting for, but seems to think that if she waits long enough, relief will follow.

More hours follow, and she realizes that it is long past the time she is usually given some kind of food.

Terror grips her. Something has happened, but what? Underneath the terror, a small coal of hope catches flame. Will she finally be set free, allowed to return home to her family, and her beloved?

She quickly tries to stamp out this hope. She had been given hope before, only to have it snatched away a moment later. This will be nothing new. She closes her hurting eyes, and her cell door slams open.

She opens her eyes, but they are quickly covered by a dark scrap of cloth. The girl panics. Terror anew washes over her, and her first instinct is to struggle.

“Restrain her!” A loud voice calls out, making her cringe. “Don’t let her injure herself any further!”

Her arms are grabbed, and held, and the feel of fingers against her skin is reminiscent of spiders crawling across her flesh. She screams, and is lost to darkness.


_________________
I now pronounce you Mr and Mrs Gary-Stu. May your life be blessed with many cliches.



Why so serious?


Last edited by Black Cat Sachiko on Thu Feb 28, 2008 4:24 am; edited 1 time in total
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BigBadBear   View This User's Portfolio
In the non perverted way.
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 4:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Again, wow! Cat-sama, this is really good. I'm talking with you on MSN right now and you said it's not supposed to make sense.

Well, I have no clue what just happened! *claps* Anyway, it was very good! There was only one thing that I noticed, and it was near the top of the piece.

You describe... uh.. um... the girl's eyes to be swollen. *doesn't know what the girl's name is* *or if she has one*. Well, then you use the same description. Repitition = boring! Remember, thesaurus.com is your friend!

XD

Great job! I hope that there is more!

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MADD94   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 7:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is pretty good but...What? I mean you didn't explain much and BBB says thats what your goin for, wich is fine. just what I'm wondering is if your gonna continue it, because if you dont than this post is basically meaningless. I did enjoy it though

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Heidigirl666   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 11:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought this was a really good piece, it really grabs you and makes you want to read on, so I hope you write more!

But as someone else said, watch for repitition, particularly that you mention her eyes quite a few times, and I noticed you mentioned that the girl was in the corner more than once. Here:
Quote:
She lies in her corner

And here:
Quote:
She crouches in her corner

And that kind of distracts a little bit from the strength of the piece. Otherwise, well done.

_________________
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. ~Flannery O'Connor
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Black Cat Sachiko   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 7:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahh, domo arigatou, everyone! ^_^ For those of you who didn't really "get it", did you read the first part? I'll be sure to look those things over, and edit them. Again, thank you!

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I now pronounce you Mr and Mrs Gary-Stu. May your life be blessed with many cliches.



Why so serious?
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Rei   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 2:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You've got some nice atmosphere and tone here. All the words were well chosen for the effect I think you were going after. It held my attention well, and I could visualize what was going on without any trouble. What I would want from this is even more descriptive detail so that we don't just visualize it, but we feel like we're being dropped right into it.

And one little pet peeve of mine: not giving the character a name. There are not many times that I have seen it successful, and I think this would benefit from us really knowing who she is and how she ended up in this situation.

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Shadow_Theif13   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 11:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't mind me...For corrections are above.

This was great! I look forward to more Very Happy .

ST

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Periwinkle   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 11:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Most of your technical difficulties have been pointed out, but I have to say I still don't understand the story. I feel for the character, but I have no clue why she's in a cell with other prisoners. I think you need to elaborate more if the two passages you've posted are your first two chapters.

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Black Cat Sachiko   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri May 23, 2008 2:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

>.< Ack, I keep forgetting about this thing.

I also keep forgetting to specify that this is a small short story trilogy. After I finish with this i'm gonna go back and specify. XD I'm going to start working on the third and last installment soon.

Now that i've gone through these crits (don't get me wrong, I wanna glomp each and every one of you for them!!) I'm going to start on the third. I believe I will incorporate a little history into it.

Thank you!! Very Happy

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I now pronounce you Mr and Mrs Gary-Stu. May your life be blessed with many cliches.



Why so serious?
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This thread was created on February 27, 2008

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