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Wolf
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 Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 12:59 am Post subject: NN -- Prologue |
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The prologue is finally up! w00t!
As you might know, I struggle with characterization, so any tips on how to improve on that would be much appreciated!
Curdled moonlight writhed on the blade as she held it on high. Dusky pines formed a ragged circle around her, like teeth tearing into the star-strewn blanket of the sky.
The air was hot and heavy with sin. The forest was still, waiting for a sound to break the silence - and she brought the knife down.
The night was washed in scarlet.
Souls wrenched apart with the grating shriek of metal on metal. A cruel mouth gaped, the muscles frozen, pulled taut in a silent scream.
Darkness rushed into the world, borne on wings of malice and strife.
*****
Thud. The arrow flew straight and true, feathers flashing in the mid-morning sunlight before it burrowed deep into the practice target.
Guinevere allowed herself a rare smile, tucking a stray auburn curl behind her ear. Her first bull's-eye of the day. She came here every morning to practice, as soon as the sun rose -- but usually, it took her at least three or four tries before a perfect shot.
She reached into her quiver and knocked a fresh arrow. Her eyes were fixed on the second training target on the other side of the clearing. The muscles in her arms relaxed. Just as she had been taught, she drew energy from her spine; she pulled back slowly, careful not to tense up her forearms, until the bowstring was tight and quivering, then --
"Guin!"
Startled, she released the arrow. It shot towards the dust, embedding itself in a tussock of dry grass. Alarm coursed through her and she spun around with a muffled curse.
"Sorry! I didn't mean to --"
Guinevere relaxed as she saw who it was: Lyla, her foster sister. A glance at the younger girl's scraped, callused hands and and the pieces of hay in her hair told her that she had recently been working at the stables. "It's fine, don't worry about it," she said wearily, her alarm fading.
Lyla rushed on excitedly, "Guess what?" Her red-blond hair had escaped from its braids in wisps; she pushed them out of her eyes and continued before Guinevere could say 'what?', "Today, I went early to the stables to care for an injured horse, and --" she broke off, out of breath.
Guinevere saw the mud spattered on the bottom of her pants, the tiny scrapes on her calves, and realized that she must have run all the way through the forest.
"And?"
Lyla took a deep breath before continuing. She was clenching and un-clenching her hands in the fabric of her pockets, the way she always did when she was nervous or excited. "There was a wolf outside the stables! I thought that it might be there to prey on the horses, I was nervous about that, but... but it had an envelope in its teeth! An envelope addressed to you, Guin."
She produced a large, crisp white envelope from a pocket in her homespun tunic, and handed it to her foster-sister. Guinevere took it with trembling fingers. She could see the faint, slightly damp indents where the wolf's teeth had been. And there was no mistaking the red wax seal: a lioness's head and an ornate letter I; the emblem of Isaria, the Kingdom mage.
"Thank-you," Guinevere said quietly. Lyla stared back at her through solemn hazel eyes ringed by dark, curling lashes. She's going to be beautiful when she is older, Guinevere thought to herself.
"Should I go now?" the stable girl asked.
"That would be good." Guinevere had no time for diplomacy. Whatever the envelope contained, it must be important. But what would Isaria want with her?
*****
Finally, she was alone. Her duties as an apprentice had consumed all her time during the day -- but now, as moonlight filtered through the trees, she knew that she would not be disturbed.
But she glanced furtively around nonetheless, dreading the snap of a twig underfoot, the gleam of eyes through the foliage.
When she was certain that no one was listening, she began to read:
Guinevere,
As I am sure you are aware, a visit to the kingdom "Earth" is essential to complete your apprenticeship. You have not yet made such a trip, but now that you are nearing the last few moons of your training, it is absolutely necessary that you leave as soon as possible.
I am also sure that you are aware of this: my daughter, Ayra, is living there under the protection of a masking charm. You are to attend the school that she is enrolled in -- but you are not to reveal anything of the kingdom of rain under any circumstances; her masking charm has not yet worn off. When it does, I will introduce her to the separate worlds. Until then, be warned that the mask will begin to deteriorate if the Syloren is mentioned or performed.
There are some things about Earth that you should know, I will send them to you in a separate envelope. But for now, pack what you need. I will meet you by the portal at dawn tomorrow.
Regards,
Isaria
(To be continued...) |
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Last edited by Wolf on Thu Mar 06, 2008 1:17 am; edited 8 times in total |
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Gwenevire
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 1:38 am Post subject: |
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ello darling 
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The world seemed to be holding its breath
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I kind of find that hard to read, the world ain't breathing... So why would it hold its breath. You know what that makes me picture, an old stinky man dressed up in a big world costume holding his breath... 
I think you might want to redo that bit. Maybe something like this:
The world seemed hushed
Horrid... but whatever. XD
You also mentioned 'the world' a lot in this paragraph... You might want to do something about that.
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Guinevere allowed herself a rare smile, tucking a stray auburn curl behind her ear.
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I am going to have to battle you over that name! (fencing!)
You are so dead.
This has gone to far missy, Lila, Liloo? em... I really don't want to have to change my names  May I suggest Lyla  Unless you pronounce "Lila" like 'LYLA'
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Her red-blond hair escaped from it's braids in wisps;
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I think there should be a 'had' before 'escaped'
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Guinevere saw the mud spattered on the bottom of her skirt, the tiny scrapes on her calves, and realized that she must have run all the way through the forest.
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A stable girl with a skirt on? Don't you think thats kind of odd? Usually they have like overalls.
You tend to use '--' a lot, would you mind explaining its purpose?
This was interesting, it lacked your usual amount of lushes description, but you have improved a lot in the ways of not repeating yourself of talking to much about the main character.
I like where you are going but you need to develop the character more, I know its the prologue, but it has no feeling. As you said to me, it is like a sea shell beautiful yet empty.
I am sorry I have no suggestions on developing your character because I don't know how do it myself
But we will learn it together and take over the world! Mwahaha *em* *em* sorry...
Good Luck.
Gwen
xox
PS
One last thing.
Its very fast moving, maybe you could slow it down explain what she does during the day and let her anxiety to open this letter grow and pile up
That would also give you a good chance to explain more about this world and help get a head start on developing your character.
Put yourself in your characters shoes. But don't control them, let them run free and be themselves. Don't steer them in any directions. |
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Wolf
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 1:44 am Post subject: |
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Thanks so much, ning! =)
Hehe, Lila is pronounced LIE-LA. But I can still change it if you want. XD
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You tend to use '--' a lot, would you mind explaining its purpose?
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It's a hyphen. It's like this - but with two, so I don't confuse it with words that are hyphenated. If that makes any sense. 
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I like where you are going but you need to develop the character more, I know its the prologue, but it has no feeling. As you said to me, it is like a sea shell beautiful yet empty
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I know! >.< I just don't know HOW to make the characters seem more real. Urgh.
Actually, I might be adding more description to this. Like of her surroundings and all. In my revision, or something.
Anyways, I'll fix those things!
Love you,
Camille xox |
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Gwenevire
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 1:50 am Post subject: |
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Yup =]
Well, its bad enough our characters already have the same names, maybe you could make it Lyla... That would really help if you could.
But we will still battle over Gwenevire/Guinevire XD
Nah keep it... But I still want to fight! Just make sure if Gwenevire and Ayra ever meet in future books, that Guinevere aint there XD
Oh... I see, good idea
I know, me two, but we shall work on it and over time we will be like "wow, how come we used to struggle with that?!"
Yes, more description!
Love ya,
Gweny
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Sleeping Valor
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 2:05 am Post subject: |
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Okay. Seminar due tomorrow, still haven't started. Essay due friday, also unstarted. Report to write in class, research unlook at. Hmms. I shall just give you a nice little 'characterization' thing and come back later for a better review. Yes?
There isn't a lot here, unfortunately. But let's look at the characters.
Guin
We see the most of her, but I don't feel any real attachment growing. All we are seeing is stimuli and reaction. What you need is a little bit of personality. We see her habits, but why does she practice so much? She's an apprentice, why? She seems like the typical (maybe even cliche, who knows) apprentice: wakes up early, works hard, has been waiting all her life for something cool to happen. If you'd like to make her lovable, let us know a little more. What are her quirks? What's her family like? Where are they? How does she feel about her sister? How does she feel about her apprenticeship? How does she feel about recieving the letter (you could work at it more)? I'd suggest a character rant. Start talking about her, and just keep going. Build off of things you say and go off in as many directions as you can. By the end, you should know her pretty well. (Like me. I realized yazra's mother liked cats and Yazra actually ends up having some cat-like qualities from growing up around them).
Lila
Why was Lila/Guin adopted? What were the differences between their worlds before hand? I won't lie, Lila felt like a throw-away character. Maybe it's just because she wasn't there long. I know she's about to vanish from the story for a while, but if I were you I would make her as real as possible, even if it seems like a waste of time. This is Guin's world, Lila is a very real part of her life--one that she doesn't know is about to change. So make Lila stronger, give her more than just her excitement, give her fears and goals and desires. Yes?
The mage
^_^ Yes, I can say something about this character too. How old are they? I get the impression they are quite young. (I get the impression Guin is a young adult, or old teen). The voice of the letter seems very familiar, which I wasn't expecting from the way Guin didn't know what the letter was about. I'd expect something more distant, maybe even rushed since the mage no doubt has lots of work to do? What is their relationship? Have they met before? All this can actually be shown through the letter, even without being said. I can't say what could be improved since I don't know much about the character. <A problem, no?
Idea
You cut to the end of the day. I agree with the person above who said you should talk about it and built up her tension over the letter. Like I said, it might not matter what her life is like now, since it's about to change and never go back, but SHE doesn't know that, and your narration should relfect her. Make it all real, immerse us into it. I know I didn't do that with DoaV, but I swear I was going to come back and do so. =P Really. >.<
Any help?
^_^ Keek! |
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Wolf
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 2:06 am Post subject: |
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I'll make it Lyla. 
That's a good idea about having her struggle through the day. I'll write something tonight and post it tomorrow!
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I know, me two, but we shall work on it and over time we will be like "wow, how come we used to struggle with that?!"
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Lol, you're right. We will so say that. XD
Love you,
Camille xox
[EDIT]
Thanks so much, Keek! I'll work on that and when I add more about Guin's day, I'll try to make her seem more real.
Cheers,
Camille |
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Saint Razorblade
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 4:46 am Post subject: |
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Heya Wolf! As you requested, as I deliver. ^_^
If you want help with characterization, I wrote an article on it a while back in the Knowledge Base. Check it out if you want to. *shameless plug*
Anyway...
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| She reached into her quiver and knocked a fresh arrow. |
I'm not sure that it's "knocked" when you're talking about arrows, but I could be wrong. Check into that. It might be "nocked."
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| Her red-blond hair had escaped from it's braids in wisps; |
Escaped from it is braids? 
Just "its," love. Otherwise you're saying "it is."
You make the same mistake again a bit later. Just keep an eye on that, okay?
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| Guinevere had to time for diplomacy. |
Er... is this what you meant to say? Sounds a bit funky to me.
Ooh! Interesting. This is really good, Wolfy. This story is well-written, and a good balance of action and characterization -- what are you saying, you need help with that? Snot nosed punk.
Anyway, usually I don't like fantasy, but this is a good one! PM me when you post more.
Much love.
-Saint Razorblade
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Dream of the Fayth
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 10:36 am Post subject: |
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Hello! Disappointing Camille, calling me a random member on my guest book "face/palm  ". Here we go:
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| Thud. The arrow flew straight and true, feathers flashing in the mid-morning sunlight before it burrowed deep into the practice target. |
Just a little nit pick here. You might want to consider using another word for flashing. I know what you mean, but feathers don't really flash when exposed to sunlight.
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| She was clenching and un-clenching her hands in the fabric of her pockets, the way she always did when she was nervous or excited. |
Another nit pick. The clening and un-clichening really drags the sentence a bit. You can make it cleaner by finding another word that means the same thing.
Overall impression:
You might be wondering as to why there aren't much lines to lines in this piece? Well on the technical side of your writing, it is pretty good. I mean, it flows well, good use of descriptions and imagery, good control on the craft of the piece, and excellent grammar and spelling skills.
But like what Gwen said, this is rather hollow. Tasty on the outside, air on the inside. All flash, no substance.
Consider my following points if you want to fill your candy up:
1.
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Thud. The arrow flew straight and true, feathers flashing in the mid-morning sunlight before it burrowed deep into the practice target.
Guinevere allowed herself a rare smile, tucking a stray auburn curl behind her ear. Her first bull's-eye of the day. She came her every morning to practice, as soon as the sun rose -- but usually, it took her at least three or four tries before a perfect shot.
She reached into her quiver and knocked a fresh arrow. Her eyes were locked on the second training target on the other side of the clearing. The muscles in her arms relaxed. Just as she had been taught, she drew the energy from her spine; she pulled back slowly, careful not to tense up her forearms, until the bowstring was tight and quivering, then -- |
When I first read this, I thought to myself "hrmm interesting, the main character uses a bow as a weapon, and it is pretty well described." However, when I had realized that it was only that, I was left disappointed. You don't really integrate your character well with her use of a bow. There isn't really any emotions or thoughts that link the character with the bow.The first question that came to my mind was "Why did she have a bow and arrow as a weapon?" Basically put, you need to involve the character more with the bow itself. Right now, you can pretty much replace your main character with a robot and nothing much would change in the writing. But I'm sure you do not want that. I'm sure you want to show the depth of your character through the bow and arrow scene.
2.
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| Guinevere relaxed as she saw who it was: Lila, a stable girl. They had known each other since they were very young; Guinevere was Lila's foster sister. "It's fine, don't worry about it," she said wearily, her alarm fading. |
Believe it or not, this is actually telling, not showing. You need to show that Lila was Guin's foster sister and how their relationship is. I'll take my prologue to my fantasy "Raining Mirrors" (rename of Pikara Noelle) as an example. How was the relationship between Waverly and Bellamy shown in that piece? I can think of a few:
1.Ice cream
2.Bellamy offering her a napkin to Waverly to wipe the ice cream off the sides of her mouth
3.Dialogue that follows shows that there is some sort of unison among them when given a task (i.e buying the drinks and putting em in the fridge).
4.Walking off together to see what the commotion was about.
5.Bellamy's gift to Waverly (quite an expensive gift too. shows that she feels quite strongly for Waverly).
6.Waverly as a water mage and how she was nominated during guild prize giving. This gives a motive to the point above, as well as showing that Waverly seems to be quite academically inclined. This also shows that Bellamy's friendship for Waverly might secretly be more influenced by lust than love itself. The fact that Waverly is a skilled water mage also links with the setting of the prologue.
7.Bellamy kissing Waverly on the cheek hints Bell's temptation. This scene is linked with Bell wearing a black trench coat in summer and her name itself, giving the reader the impression that Bellamy is not your regular girl, but more tomboyish and/or butch.The fact that Waverly felt a bit uncomfortable with the kiss shows that Waverly might be a bit shy or is not fully certain about some aspects of their friendship. Bellamy also seems to be the dominate one in the friendship the fact that she made a bold move, but when Waverly hadn't taken it the way that she had anticipated, she felt a bit rejected and there was a brief period where she was consoling herself with the act as she was filling the bucket. She didn't wanted to come back, because she doesn't want to experience the awkwardness of rejection (see the links happening Camille?)
I'll stop there, as I'm not here to do a bed time reading, but rather use my piece to show you that character development and showing are very important. Aspects of the characters, setting, dialogue and actions need to be shown and somehow link together (have relevance) to really establish the characters and the character interaction. Consider character development like writing an essay. You get a higher grade depending on how in-depth it is and how well it is thought out. In creative writing, it pretty much follows the same formula. When you are reading a book or a piece of writing, authors do something for a particular reason.
In the Old Kingdom Trilogy by Garth Nix, why was the setting a magic/ pre modern world? How is this derived to the undead the necromancy? What is the difference between a necromancer and an Abhorsen? How does Garth Nix adapt the mythos of the river of hell into the plot? What does the quote "Does the path seek the walker, or the walker seek the path" mean? All of these questions have answers, and these answers are all linked together to elaborate on the framework of the trilogy. Have a good read of the Old Kingdom Trilogy, as it has a good amount of character development in it (Sabriel FTW!). Think especially as to what is in the book that really commands your attention and makes it unique. I can already think of several responses to it already.
In short, character development isn't something that can be really taught, it's really a matter of how deeply you think. If you don't know as to how to expand on your ideas, just imagine an annoying kid sitting next to you and asking "So what?" to every answer that you have. It will really push you to muster out the deeper features of it. If you are able to do an essay explaining as to why you did so and so in the piece, then it has been developed.
3. The last half of it was rather quick. I think it is because that you haven't defined your characters well enough and their relationship to make what was happening more realistic and to make it feel not rushed. Character development should be a ongoing thing with as the plot follows too.
Well I hope my critique helped. If you need help, feel free to PM me and I'll provide some more guidance. The reason as to why this piece feels very weak is because ideas were not very well elaborated and explored on, despite the good writing in the piece.
Andy.
P.S: Just wait till you get to high school, it will start focusing on analyzing texts, which makes character development easier (but it is still quite hard to have a unique character).
P.S.S: When you are character developing, you will often need to juggle between show and tell. Take some risks and experiment with "show" and "tell". However, do keep in mind that "showing" must be greater than telling. Do not follow the "show don't tell" rule so rigidly. After all, metaphors and similes can go only some ways. |
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Wolf
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 12:17 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, thank you for the awesome critiques! =)
They really helped. Ill work on nit-picks now, and today, I'll try to make the characters more... characterized, lol. And I think I'll describe the setting more, too.
Anyways, muchas gracias to you both. What would I do without you?
Cheers,
Camille
PS. I have read the Old Kingdom Trilogy. But it was a while ago... I'll re-read it. |
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Prokaryote
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 10:43 pm Post subject: Review |
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Hi Ayra! (Can I still call you that?)
Deleted words indicated by strike-outs; added/modified parts in bold; my commentary in red. Apologies if I mention something others have already pointed out.
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Curdled moonlight writhed on the blade as she held it on high. Dusky pines formed a ragged circle around her, like teeth tearing into the star strewn blanket of the sky.
The air was hot and heavy with sin. The forest was hushed around her - and she brought the knife down.
The night was washed in scarlet.
Souls wrenched apart with the grating squeal [Not entirely sure what I think about the use of "squeal" there... I feel like there's a better word.] of metal on metal. A cruel mouth gaped, the muscles frozen, pulled taut in a silent scream.
Darkness rushed into the world, borne on wings of malice and strife.
*****
Thud. The arrow flew straight and true, feathers gleaming in the mid-morning sunlight before it burrowed deep into the practice target.
Guinevere allowed herself a rare smile, tucking a stray auburn curl behind her ear. Her first bull's-eye of the day. She came here every morning to practice, as soon as the sun rose -- but usually, it took her at least three or four tries before a perfect shot.
She reached into her quiver and knocked a fresh arrow. Her eyes were locked [Two similar sounds so close together: "knocked" and "locked." I'd change the latter to something else.] on the second training target on the other side of the clearing. The muscles in her arms relaxed. Just as she had been taught, she drew the energy from her spine; she pulled back slowly, careful not to tense up her forearms, until the bowstring was tight [I'd use "taut" instead of "tight" here.] and quivering, then --
"Guin!"
Startled, she released the arrow. It shot towards the dust, embedding itself in a tussock of dry grass. Alarm seared [Not crazy about "seared"... "Coursed," maybe?] through her and she spun around with a muffled curse.
"Sorry! I did not mean to --" [Why do fantasy stories avoid contractions in certain parts but use them in others? "Didn't." She's saying this in a hurry and she's not going to be all formal about it.]
Guinevere relaxed as she saw who it was: Lyla, a stable girl. They had known each other since they were very young; Guinevere was Lyla's foster sister. "It's fine, don't worry about it," she said wearily, her alarm fading.
The younger girl rushed on excitedly, "Guess what?" Her red-blond hair had escaped from its braids in wisps; she pushed them out of her eyes and continued before Guinevere could say 'what?', "what?" "Today, I went early to the stables to care for the injured horse, and --" she broke off, out of breath.
Guinevere saw the mud spattered on the bottom of her skirt, the tiny scrapes on her calves, and realized that she must have run all the way through the forest.
"And?"
Lyla took a deep breath before continuing. She was clenching and un-clenching her hands in the fabric of her pockets, the way she always did when she was nervous or excited. "There was a wolf outside the stables! I thought that it might be there to prey on the horses; I was nervous about that, but... but it had an envelope in it's its [Remember: apostrophe-S for the contraction "it is"; no apostrophe for the possessive form of "it."] teeth! An envelope addressed to you, Guin."
She produced a large, crisp white envelope from a pocket in her homespun tunic, and handed it to her foster-sister. Guinevere took it with trembling fingers. She could see the faint, slightly damp indents where the wolf's teeth had been. And there was no mistaking the red wax seal: a lioness's head and an ornate letter I. The emblem of Isaria, the Kingdom mage.
"Thank-you," [I can't see why that "thank you" would need to be hyphenated.] Guinevere said quietly. Lyla stared back at her through solemn hazel eyes ringed by dark, curling lashes. She's going to be beautiful when she is older, Guinevere thought to herself.
"Should I go now?" the stable girl asked.
"That would be good." Guinevere had to time for diplomacy. [What? I didn't understand that sentence. "...had no time for diplomacy," maybe?] What ever Whatever the envelope contained, it must be important. But what would Isaria want with her?
*****
Finally, she was alone. Her duties as an apprentice had consumed all her time during the day -- but now, as moonlight filtered through the trees, she knew that she would not be disturbed.
But she glanced furtively around nonetheless, dreading the snap of a twig underfoot, the gleam of eyes through the foliage.
When she was certain that no one was listening, she began to read:
Guinevere,
As I am sure you are aware, a visit to the kingdom "Earth" is essential to complete your apprenticeship. You have not yet made such a trip, but now that you are nearing the last few moons of your training, it is absolutely necessary that you leave as soon as possible.
I am also sure that you are aware of this: my daughter, Ayra, is living there under the protection of a masking charm. You are to attend the school that she is enrolled in -- but you are not to reveal anything of the kingdom of rain under any circumstances. Her masking charm has not yet worn off; when it does, I will introduce her to the separate worlds. Until then, be warned that it will begin to deteriorate if the Syloren is mentioned or performed.
There are some things about Earth that you should know. I will send them to you in a separate envelope. But for now, pack what you will need. I will meet you by the portal at dawn tomorrow.
Regards,
Isaria |
Naturally I don't have much to comment on, as the story is just getting started; but I would like to commend you on writing a prologue that does what it's supposed to do: introduce main characters, raise questions, and establish a setting.
Hope that helped a bit!
Prokaryote |
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Wolf
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 11:50 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks so much, Prokar! That did help, more than a bit -- a lot! And yeah, you can still call me Ayra. ;p
I'll be fixing those things right away, but the larger issues such as characterization and such will be added over time. (Between now and Sunday, methinks.)
<3 I'm getting so many awesome critiques! *happy dance* Thanks to you all!
Cheers,
Camille xx
PS. Are you really 74 years old?! |
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Gwenevire
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| Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 2:00 am Post subject: |
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You say they are foster sisters, but you need to show it, through the way they act together... Can you see that they have a strong bond etc.
I don't have much to say since you haven't edited it much, I look forwards to reading more.
Gwen |
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canislupis
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| Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 4:10 pm Post subject: |
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| Gasp! My nickname is Lyla.... I'll get you a review soon.... |
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Azila
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| Posted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 6:35 pm Post subject: |
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I've come to review, as requested. Sorry it took a little while, I've been pretty busy in my non-YWS life not to mention with my contest and all.
ANYWAY...
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| Dusky pines formed a ragged circle around her, like teeth tearing into the star strewn blanket of the sky. |
I think "star strewn" should be hyphenated...
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| Startled, she released the arrow. It shot towards the dust, embedding itself in a tussock of dry grass. Alarm coursed through her and she spun around with a muffled curse. |
If she and Lyla are "sisters" why didn't Guin recognize Lyla's voice? Why did she get so startled, anyway? Are you trying to say that she has a very high-strung, tense personality? that's what I got from it, because i think her reaction was too much for the circumstances.
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The younger girl rushed on excitedly, "Guess what?" Her red-blond hair had escaped from its braids in wisps; she pushed them out of her eyes and continued before Guinevere could say 'what?', "Today, I went early to the stables to care for the injured horse, and --" she broke off, out of breath.
Guinevere saw the mud spattered on the bottom of her skirt, the tiny scrapes on her calves, and realized that she must have run all the way through the forest. |
This struck me as a little odd: Lyla comes racing towards Guin talking excitedly, then stops at the climax of what she's saying... it seems to me that if she has something so important to say that she would run through the forest, scraping her legs and muddying her dress, she would be eager to say it... you know? 
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| And there was no mistaking the red wax seal: a lioness's head and an ornate letter I. The emblem of Isaria, the Kingdom mage. |
I suggest you make the period after "I" into a semi-colon.
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| You are to attend the school that she is enrolled in -- but you are not to reveal anything of the kingdom of rain under any circumstances. Her masking charm has not yet worn off; when it does, I will introduce her to the separate worlds. |
I think you should switch around the punctuation here: "You are to attend the school that she is enrolled in -- but you are not to reveal anything of the kingdom of rain under any circumstances; her masking charm has not yet worn off. When it does, I will introduce her to the separate worlds."
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| There are some things about Earth that you should know. I will send them to you in a separate envelope. |
I think these two sentences should be combined with a comma.
--------------------
I don't really have many overall comments yet, except for this: your characters seem fine so far, because I don't expect to know them very well yet, but make sure you delve deeper as the story goes on... add little quirks like a love of fire, a fear of elevators, a craving for the feel of acorns. (all of those apply to me, by the way ^_^) little things can make a big difference.
Please PM me when you post more!
Hope this helps,
~Azila~ |
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Fall_Into_The_Sky
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| Posted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 7:06 pm Post subject: |
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I think this is a very good beginning to a story.
And ahem feathers do flash in the sunlight.
If a bird's feathers are healthy and full of sheen the sunlight bounces off of them and makes them shine.
I breed birds etc.... so yea they do flash.
* Stable girls could wear skirts.
It all depends in what time period though.
The ones that wore skirts were mostly the kind that did meneal tasks e.g. chicken egg picking/ cleaning etc...
It would be more comfortable if she was in pants though. |
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