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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
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 Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 9:55 pm Post subject: Nevermind |
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~DELETED for a newer version~ |
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Last edited by OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo on Thu Jun 19, 2008 3:12 am; edited 3 times in total |
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GryphonFledgling
As the world falls down...
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| Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 10:10 pm Post subject: |
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This was an interesting beginning. I want to read more.
You move the story along pretty quickly in this chapter. Maybe you could slooooow down a bit and describe things a little more. Let us know what life is like in the orphanage. You say that this is the kids' whole lives and they don't know anything more, so tell us what it looks like. Maybe take us through a little more of a daily routine before we have the government come in. Drop some more ominous hints. Don't have them all be conversations overheard, but perhaps have them be Gwen's thoughts on the situation. Tell us what she knows about it, but don't info-dump.
I'm a little confused about Tanner. How old is he? You say a boy, but how old of a boy? As a matter of fact, how old are all of these kids? I'm guessing young, but for all I know, they could be teenagers and they just act like little kids because that is all they know.
This could use some fleshing out and a slower pace, but I am interested. What happens next?
Good luck! *thumbs up*
~GryphonFledgling |
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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
Wants a fairy tale ending (:
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| Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 10:31 pm Post subject: |
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 thank you,
I did think that it seemed a little fast paced, but I wasn't sure what to do. I'll have to fix that.
How do you think that I should explain they are teenagers without info-dumping? |
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Kaliber
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 12:20 am Post subject: |
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| geez, excellent. hurry and write the next chapter lol, Joking don't hurry, want it to be good. :p |
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Kaliber
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 12:32 am Post subject: |
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nvm that, i read it over and caught some stuff. what does the empire exactly look like? like a normal suburban town? or something different? what time period? I'm guessing that present with the props that are described. but i don't exactly know.
other than that awesome! keep on truckin! |
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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
Wants a fairy tale ending (:
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 10:23 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks
The Empire is an entire country, possibly world, I'm not sure yet. It's very large though. Umm, there are different types of areas; suburban, rural, and big cities. I'm not sure exactly what you are trying to ask, but I'm thinking that you want me to explain the area that Holly lived in a little more - I'm going to have to edit the chapter to exlpain orphanage life for Holly as GryphonFledgling suggested and I'll add that in and show what it looked like. |
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mikedb1492
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| Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 3:04 am Post subject: |
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I liked this a lot more than the prologue since it went into detail more and such. I don't have much of anything to say except a couple suggestions.
I personally thought that she gave in a bit too easy when the man that was trying to take her away got stern. Even then, she strikes me as the type that would have to be forced to go with the man that took her friend away. (If the girl isn't supposed to be like this, completely ignore what I've said.)
Also, it was the girl who got her friend to go with the man. You know, when she pushes her towards him. Wouldn't that make her feel a little guilty? She'd think to herself, "If only I hadn't done that." Then she might comfort herself by saying it would have happened anyway, but there'd still be a slight guilt.
I'm officially a fan now. Keep it up. |
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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
Wants a fairy tale ending (:
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| Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 8:58 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the crit,
You just confirmed my doubts. I'd thought that those parts could use a little changing, but I wasn't sure how, thank you!
The thing about Holly, though, is she is a very peaceful person - and she doesn't like to get into trouble or problems - so her having to be forced would change her character, but her not having to be forced makes her seem too weak and unrealistic. I'm not sure how to find a happy-medium between the two.  |
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Kaliber
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| Posted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 1:42 am Post subject: |
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| Your answer to my last Crit above was exactly right. Sorry to make it so confusing, i just had a hard time picturing the scenes happening. And i also agree with mikedb, i think that a little more detail wouldn't hurt anything. |
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vet4life13
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| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 10:38 pm Post subject: |
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| Great story! I really liked how you made Holly so innocent, e.g. Not knowing what a seat belt was, reacting as she did to the Tranquilizer gun. I also liked how you made it seem like Tanner was dead. That was really good. The only thing that really caught my attention, though, was the grammar. Most of it was correct, but I think there were a few times you incorrectly used a comma. Otherwise, it was really good. Keep writing! |
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ChernobyllyInclined
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| Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 7:04 am Post subject: |
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The dialogue was uninteresting and repetitive and the characters were flat. There was very little sympathy with Holly and her personality was not very developed or intriguing. I know that its supposed to be mysterious what the Empire does with the orphans but perhaps you could make the orphans have horror stories about what they think is done with the taken children. Normally, kids tend to make up stuff to fill holes in their knowledge and it would interesting to get to know what they imagined.
The story is not worthless, but it needs alot of work. The character of Tanner is slightly cliche and if you made him less predictable it would help to provoke sympathy with the reader. Also, Holly could use some more quirky elements to her character. Give her something that will make the reader remember her, something out of the ordinary. Perhaps make her recall moments from her childhood that would make her character deeper, more compelling, etc.
The story is okay, but still a little flat. Try to add more vivid description and perhaps more unique places and things.
I hope this helped. I would be glad to read more if you could incorporate some more fantastical elements into your story. ^_^ |
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Sela Locke
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| Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 7:30 pm Post subject: |
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"the cars, the lights, the green landscapes. " (Really lame description...)
Honestly, this story needs a lot of work. It could have potential somewhere down the line, but the dialogue is quite unreal, and the way Tanner and Hayes talk to each other reminds me more of two little boys quarreling and teasing than a government associate and a kid. Hayes would be much more mature. It also seems that he has chronic mood swings, which quite confuses the person reading.
Can't you elaborate a little? Maybe get a background? I myself have problems with making things happen too fast to get the story moving, but really, I think you should make the first chapter about what happens in the orphanage, maybe a flash-back on a field trip or something.
Good luck-
Sela |
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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
Wants a fairy tale ending (:
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| Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 12:40 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for the crit,
I actually wanted Hayes to be immature, I'm going to explain that more later on. Also, I have edited chapter one to be better, I'll have to post that soon. |
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Sela Locke
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| Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 12:49 am Post subject: |
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| Oh, okay. I sort of pictured a government official as cruel, but mature. But, obviously, it's your story. ^^ |
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