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The Agri and the Engineer: 2.1



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Sun Feb 24, 2008 11:26 pm
tinny says...



2.1/Wolke

"What is this stuff you've left me?"

"It's porridge, eat it."

"Eew!" Klar could imagine it now. Faye stood in her pyjamas with the pan held up to her nose, sticking out her tongue in disgust as she smelt what had been left for her breakfast.

"It's good. It's healthy."

"It smells like dirt," Faye retorted dryly, "you have nothing to eat in your flat, you know that?"

"It's your own fault. If you don't want to eat my food, then don't go out and lose you head," Klar snapped and slammed down the phone. There was never any thanks whenever she took care of her friend after a night out, just complaints about the state of her refrigerator. It was bad enough when Faye had pestered her before she left in the morning, but ever since she'd started ringing while she was at work, she'd become more hassle than she was worth.

Sighing, Klar rubbed her face in the hope it would wake her up, give her some kind of invigoration, before she started to tackle the papery pile of reports that had steadily mounted on the edge of her desk and threatened to topple down on to the floor. It had been her aim for the day, to get it all finished, but the large woman that was waddling towards her desk would no doubt scupper those plans.

When Wolke spoke, there was no choice but to sit and listen. In Klar's mind, her boss greatly resembled a drop of mercury; round, silver, and toxic to the core. She curled her lip as she approached her desk, seeing the unfinished work littered across its top.

"Himmel," Wolke said curtly, already drumming her fingers on her clipboard impatiently, "we have a problem with transportation; it seems that several elevators have stopped working. Go down and see if you can't find an Engineer to help us sort it out." She took out the report and placed it atop the pile, where Klar immediately snatched it up, frowning "And please, Himmel, do try to have this assignment finished on time," with that, she turned and rolled away, ready to dole out tasks to her next unsuspecting victim.

Quickly, Klar scanned the report. It didn't look to be anything too complex, a few broken cables or a twisted chain seemed like the most likely problem, and she knew enough people down there to be able to get it done before the end of the day. She patted down her pockets, checking that her badge was with her, and then her hair to feel for that tiny metal flea, before grabbing her own clipboard and hurrying to the stairs, ignoring the snide glances her workmates were casting in her direction.

Klar had planned to go down to the lower level by way of the core elevator, it was always backed up so there was no chance of it failing, but the attendant of that great glass box barred her way with his arms, refusing to let her pass even when she showed him her badge.

"I'm sorry, miss, but we have to restrict usage at the moment, just because you work in the core doesn't mean that I can still just let you pass."

"But you don't understand," Klar pleaded, "I'm the one that's going to get them fixed."

"I do understand, but I've been specifically instructed not to let anyone go any lower than this," the attendant sighed and shook his head "I wish that I could let you go, but I just can't." She wasn't given the chance to argue back, someone else able to go up had passed in front of her and stepped inside. Klar watched the glass case slide upwards, its steel wheels and pulleys rolling up and down the chamber. She stamped her foot in fury before turning away to go and find some other way down.

Cars zipped past her - a few close to clipping her elbow - as she walked down the street. She could have just continued down the road to reach the lower levels, but such places were far too dangerous for pedestrians, regardless of whether they were on the sidewalk or not. There was a small concreted stairwell that had been built specifically for situations like this, for core workers to get down when the elevators were unavailable, but Klar would have rather risked her life on the streets than go down that way; it was frequently broken into by drunks and highs who seemed to find great delight in relieving themselves over the balcony. No-one in sanitation ever bothered to clean it and so the whole well stank of degraded ammonia. It was a sharp sting in Klar's nose, and one that did nothing but make her feel sick.

Klar covered her mouth as she ran down the stairs, her clipboard tucked underneath her arm as she skipped down, feet bouncing off every other step. No doubt Wolke had already known all this when she had assigned her favourite scrape-goat, Klar realised bitterly.

When she finally reached the bottom Klar threw herself into the door, it was barely hanging to its rusted hinges and the force or her weight sent both of them crashing through and onto the floor. She breathed a sigh of relief; there was that warm, earthy smell, tinged with burnt oil. Brushing some of the dust off her blouse, she reached down to pick up the door and prop it back up in front of the entrance to the stairwell.

There were fewer cars down on the Earth level, the huge steel pillars that held up and supported the one above it proved to be too much of an obstacle, and so much to Klar's sincere relief, the walk back to the core was a much more pleasant one.


____

It was quite a while ago that I first posted this so I'm not sure if anyone remembers it, but I have more, at last. I'd forgotten all about this until I found a little document called 'porridge'. There were two versions of this part, and 'porridge' was the one I liked the most.

I don't really like the way this ends, and am currently in the process of trying to figure that out.

[/ramble]
please grant me my small wish; (love me to the marrow of my bones)
  





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Tue Feb 26, 2008 1:12 am
Teague says...



Hello again Fishy! *waves*

Yay for porridge, eh? ;) *reads*

as she smelt what had been left for her breakfast.

Smelled*

Faye retorted dryly, "you have nothing to eat in your flat, you know that?"

Grammar note -- should be a period after "dryly" and "You" should be capital.

It had been her aim for the day, to get it all finished, but the large woman that was waddling towards her desk would no doubt scupper those plans.

The comma after "the day" is extraneous. Good word choice, though.

She took out the report and placed it atop the pile, where Klar immediately snatched it up, frowning "And please, Himmel, do try to have this assignment finished on time," with that, she turned and rolled away, ready to dole out tasks to her next unsuspecting victim.

The formatting of this is a little odd... I'd try something like:

"She took out the report and placed it atop the pile, where Klar immediately snatcheds it up, frowning. "And please, Himmel, do try to have this assignment finished on time." With that, she turned and rolled away etc. etc."

When she finally reached the bottom Klar threw herself into the door, it was barely hanging to its rusted hinges and the force or her weight sent both of them crashing through and onto the floor.

The rhyme in this bugs me. Is there another way to word it?

Interesting to see where this is going. Your writing is still superb, and I still have yet to file a major complaint. Good job. ^_^

I certainly hope you're planning on posting more! This is a wonderful story. :)

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Sun Mar 02, 2008 5:37 pm
tinny says...



*waves and gives cake* Yo, Saint!

The ironic thing is that I myself cannot stand porridge XD

Thank you so much for taking a look at this for me, and the first part too =D I am made of fail when it comes to grammar involved in dialouge, so super big thanks for pointing out my mistakes there.

I hope I get round to writing more, although it did take me a good few months to get round to writing this >.>

Once again, thank you for the crits =D
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Sun Mar 09, 2008 3:40 pm
Rydia says...



This is good, there's some vivid descriptions and the characters are well introduced. My main criticism is the beginning which needs more description. After reading your first part (which is excellent by the way and in no need of further improvement) I think that your characters are well established enough that it's clear who is speaking but there's no sense of place. In fact, I really wasn't sure if they were in the same room or not. Hmmm. I think it would help if you changed the full stop between '...could imagine it now' and 'Faye' but maybe consider adding a tag to the first line, just describing where Klar is or something.

Here's a few specific suggestions -

"It's your own fault. If you don't want to eat my food, then don't go out and lose your head,"

Sighing, Klar rubbed her face in the hope it would wake her up, give her some kind of invigoration, before she started to tackle the papery pile of reports that had steadily mounted on the edge of her desk and threatened to topple down [s]on[/s] to the floor.

It had been her aim for the day, to get it all finished, but the large woman [s]that was[/s] waddling towards her desk would no doubt scupper those plans.

It didn't look to be anything too complex, a few broken cables or a twisted chain seemed like the most likely problem, and she knew enough people down there to be able to get it done before the end of the day. [This is a little awkward. Maybe instead of '...and she knew enough people down there to be able to get it done...' it would be smoother as 'and she had enough connexions down there in order to get it done.']

No doubt Wolke had already known all this when she had assigned her favourite [s]scrape-goat[/s] scape-goat, Klar realised bitterly.

__________________________________

The plot is developing well. This part isn't quite as action packed as the first but that's alright because it develops the charater of Klar further and gives the reader more of an idea of the area. Your description is good and I think your dialogue is well thought out. The sci-fi aspects could be clearer but you have a good ballance in that you don't over-load your reader with information so good job. There's very little to fault.
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Sun Jan 04, 2009 7:17 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



Wow, even better than the first one by way of character and world building! I'm liking it better and better!
---
I noticed something that you do both in this chapter and the last one. When writing dialogue, the comma at the end is only necessary if there is a dialogue tag after it.

~example when comma is needed: "Get off me, you vagrant," Alice snapped.

~example when comma is not needed: "Okay, okay. Touchy, aren't you?" Peter pulled his hands up over his head.

In the first example, "Alice snapped" is identifying the speaker and how they said it.

In the second example, "Peter pulled..." is just describing an action that is unrelated to how he said his dialogue. It just happens to be after the dialogue.
---
Also, when you have a sentence followed by a dialogue tag, then followed by more dialogue, there are certain circumstances for commas and not.

~example when second comma is needed: "You are disgusting," Alice hissed, "and I hope I never see you again."

~example when no second comma is needed: "And you're just a little spoiled brat," Peter retorted. "I don't know how your parents can stand you."

In the first example, Alice's dialogue could all be combined into one sentence. It just happens to be split up by a tag in the middle. Therefore, the dialogue tag has a comma after it and the first letter of the second part of the dialogue is lowercase.

In the second example, Peter says two separate sentences, divided by a tag. Just insert a period at the end of the dialogue tag, then the first letter of the second dialogue bit is capitalized.

Make sense? I hope this helped a little.
---
Loving the story so far. I really like the descriptions and the way the world comes across. You don't stop to explain everything, just treat it manner-of-fact. It is a very refreshing sort of writing. *thumbs up*

Another to read! *scurries off*

~GryphonFledgling
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