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I Am Fire



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Fri Feb 22, 2008 2:36 am
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Prokaryote says...



I am feasting.

The kindle, twigs and sticks are my appetizer. The logs are my main course. Dessert lies forever out of reach.

Here they come, timber in hand: coming to feed me and my gluttonous disposition. My wispy limbs reach outward in longing: I hunger. I always hunger.

I let out a sigh as I receive a pine branch. They give it to me reverently; I am feared, respected; but I am also loved. Loved for my deceptive warmth, my devious embrace. Do they know what I would do if I had the chance? How much havoc I would gleefully sow in exchange for that brief joy, that brief ecstasy?

The pine tastes fresh, alive. Slightly moist. I siphon its life away: quickly at first, its sweet bark succumbing in an instant; and then slower as I meditatively envelop the wood's inner core, its lifeforce. I take the water and release it to the air. Table scraps.

I simultaneously eat and drink, taking oxygen from the atmosphere and savouring it like a fine wine. It is my accomplice: together we break down the toughest of foes. Together we are the most destructive machine ever devised. Together we are unstoppable. The black cloud we produce is a warning to anything living: You will die. We will consume you.

Here comes more. A man carries a log to my side and presents it to me. He is a good servant, but his fingers look delectable: if only I could reach a bit further, just a few more inches... but I cannot. I settle back and eye them. Someday.

It is the eternal irony: These animals depend on me for life, and yet I would destroy them in an instant. I am a raging bull; they must restrain and tame my fierce temper. They tease me with offerings, but will not allow me to grow, to mature, to reach my full potential.

I hate them for it.

One thrusts a stick out over me. My tongues lap up at the wood, tasting it: a marshmallow is stuck on the end, and its gooey consistency is a nice change from the normal pine. For a brief moment, I engulf the marshmallow completely, shriveling it into a charred lump of sugar. The stick is pulled away, and the human examines the end with what seems to be disappointment. Serves him right.

Revenge is the thing I do best. Who, after all, brought down the Library? Who dealt piercing blows to Rome and London? Who ravaged the White House? I did. We did.

There is a brief rustling in the circle; someone has retreated to bed. Two left.

They're talking about something; it's pointless drivel, no doubt. Yet my curiosity is piqued. "Know your enemy." -- "Knowledge is power." I cannot get close enough to hear. Those ashes have a bit of life left in them. Maybe I can reignite them.

A foot comes down, crushing my advance.

I notice dark clouds drifting over to cover the moon. I don't have much time; I redouble my efforts. A leaf. If I could get there I could use it as a springboard and move on to the grass.

A slight breeze and the leaf is out of sight.

Another human gets up and leaves. No more conversation, and the rain is coming. I have only one chance to do any damage.

As the last man gets up to leave, he braces his hand against the ground near one of my coals. I lash out at him with a spark. A sharp cry escapes his lips and he looks at me with contempt. Shaking his head, he stands up and walks into the distance as the rain begins to fall.

FIDDLESTICKS.
Last edited by Prokaryote on Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Fri Feb 22, 2008 2:46 am
GryphonFledgling says...



I loved this. It was awesome the way you gave a fire personality. It sounded like an angry god from ancient mythology almost, regretting those puny humans and some stupid pact he made with them or something.

What? Doesn't that man know the first rule about fires? You always have to stomp them out or whatever and stir them up with dirt or water until they are cool to the touch. He just left the stinking thing! Smokey Bear would not be pleased. The irony of the fire was funny, but that was unsafe of the man...

I couldn't find anything to critique except that. This was an excellent piece of work. I loved the vocabulary that you used and the way the language flowed. Really, really nice job.

*thumbs up*

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Fri Feb 22, 2008 5:37 am
Teague says...



Ahoy Proky! How are you doing this fine [insert time of day here]? :D

They give it to me reverently; I am feared, respected; but I am also loved.

The abundance of semicolons here bugs me slightly. I think changing this one is totally up to you, because I'm too indecisive to say why it bothers me. xD

I meditatively envelop the wood's inner core, its lifeforce.

Life force is two words, right? Or is it hyphenated? Either way, I'm pretty sure it isn't one word.

*giggles* Rofl. Your ending was such an unexpected change in tone that I coulnd't help but laugh. I sincerely hope that's intentional. xD

Gah! Not fair. I have almost nothing to say. You're too good, Proky. There should be like, a law against that. =P

Hehe. I love your imagery and diction. It's quite impressive. You really give the impression that the fire is in charge - which, in essence, it is. This piece is very well done.

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Fri Feb 22, 2008 2:34 pm
gyrfalcon says...



I must say, just beautiful. This isn't the first time I've seen Fire personified, but it is one of the very best. To you, this element is not all anger, all powerful rage (though you do include it). I've always thought that fire had far more characteristics in common with humans than with think, and your fire's cunning and (forgive me) petulance do an amazing job of showing that. These three lines in particular were just delightful, like the whipped cream atop the pie (your eating analogies have made me hungry now):

I take the water and release it to the air. Table scraps.


The black cloud we produce is a warning to anything living: You will die. We will consume you.


FIDDLESTICKS.
<LOL
"In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function...We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful." ~C.S. Lewis
  





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Fri Feb 22, 2008 9:33 pm
PerforatedxHearts says...



Wow. You truly were the best at this. This was amazing. I don't think there's anything wrong with this.

You will die. We will consume you.


Haha. How cheerful.

I love the personality you give the fire. It's a cliche idea, but you've managed to handle it in a fresh take. It's very beautiful and eloquent, and you can sense that the fire has a bit of sarcasm in it.

Good luck with the contest!

-Seree.
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Sat Feb 23, 2008 1:46 am
Sleeping Valor says...



Well so much for being helpful. This is beautiful.

My wispy limbs reach outward in longing: I hunger.

I might replace that colon with a semi colon, since you're not defining anything (I think that's how it works =P).

^_^ This is a great piece. Very artistic and fun. I have no constructive advice, you did this too well. =P

^_^ Keek!
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Tue Feb 26, 2008 12:42 am
Prokaryote says...



Thanks everyone! ^_^ You make me happy.

I might replace that colon with a semi colon, since you're not defining anything (I think that's how it works =P).


It's funny, I originally had a semicolon there but changed it.

From Wikipedia: "syntactical-deductive: introduces the logical consequence, or effect, of a fact stated before"

I think that applies to the instance you picked out.

Thanks again guys!

Prokaryote
  





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Thu Mar 06, 2008 1:06 am
Wolf says...



Prokar!

Wow. This is really, really... excellent. I never knew that you were such an amazing writer! But now I do, and I am in awe -- how can you be funny and a great writer? *confuzzleness* So not fair for the miserable little cretins like myself.

There really isn't very much to critique. I was slightly bothered by all the colons and semicolons that you used, though. It seemed a bit repetitive and kind of cut down on the variety of the sentence structures.

There's also this one bit:

I simultaneously eat and drink, taking oxygen from the atmosphere and savouring it like a fine wine.


'simultaneously' seems kind of awkward, at least where you placed it in the sentence. I'm not sure if there's some kind of rule about this, but I think it might sound better as 'I eat and drink simultaneously...'

But overall, I love this. I love it to death. The fire had such a great personality, and the piece had this kind of atmosphere: fun, but very eloquent. You made the fire seem interesting and entertaining (especially at the end! I love the end) without exaggerating it.

Kudos for a great piece! Definitely one of my YWS favourites -- I gave you a star. :P

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Camille
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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Thu Mar 06, 2008 2:23 am
Azila says...



OOPS! I thought I already critiqued this! I guess I forgot...

Okay, because there aren't many grammatical issues (and the few ones that there are have already been pointed out), most of my nit-picks will be matters of opinion.

I am feasting.

The kindle, twigs and sticks are my appetizer. The logs are my main course. Dessert lies forever out of reach.
I think this might make a stronger opening if you made the "I am feasting" after the second paragraph rather than before it.

Together we are the most destructive machine ever devised. Together we are unstoppable.
I think (am not sure) that there should be commas after both the "together"s...

The black cloud we produce is a warning to anything living: You will die. We will consume you.
I think "You will die. We will consume you." should be in italics... then you can also make the colon into a period.

He is a good servant, but his fingers look delectable: if only I could reach a bit further, just a few more inches... but I cannot.
I suggest you make the "but" into an "and"

My tongues lap up at the wood, tasting it: a marshmallow is stuck on the end, and its gooey consistency is a nice change from the normal pine.
"nice" is a weak word... consider revising.
-------------
Other than those things, my only major complaint is your (semi-)colon addiction. I suffer it too, and it's a terrible fate, because the repetitive colon use makes your sentences uniform and a bit boring. These are a few particularly juicy examples:

Here they come, timber in hand: coming to feed me and my gluttonous disposition. My wispy limbs reach outward in longing: I hunger.
The first one should be made into a comma and the second can be a dash.

I siphon its life away: quickly at first, its sweet bark succumbing in an instant; and then slower as I meditatively envelop the wood's inner core, its lifeforce.
The first one is alright, (I guess) but the second should definitely be a comma.

You should just comb through it and work on that.

I really love this piece, overall! The fire is so hilarious and selfish without being too personified. Beautiful, really--just beautiful.

Congrats on my contest! ^_~

Hope this helps.

~Azila~
  





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Fri Mar 07, 2008 9:20 pm
Prokaryote says...



Thanks you two, I appreciate it! :)

Prokaryote
  





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Sat Mar 08, 2008 12:25 am
KJ says...



I loved the descriptions and details. Points for originality, also. I don't think I've ever read something like this, so good for you.
  





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Sat Mar 08, 2008 7:54 pm
Prokaryote says...



Thank you, KJ. =)

Prokaryote
  





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Sun Mar 09, 2008 12:51 am
Rei says...



That ending was just plain silly. But oddly appropriate. I got a very clear picture of what was going on and the people around the campfire. It had perfect pace that really made me feel the fire creeping up on its poetntial victims. Good job.
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Sun Mar 09, 2008 3:36 am
mikedb1492 says...



Holy crap that was good. It was serious at parts but then a bit of humor or lightheartedness came in. I really liked it. Well done.
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Tue Mar 11, 2008 6:29 pm
Rydia says...



A very good piece of work, Prok. The concept is slightly unoriginal and the plot not overly interesting but the way it is written makes it intriguing and draws the reader in. You have some skillful description, an excellent sense of personality and characterization and it's generally a very entertaining piece.

I think the fire is too fixated on the sticks at the beginning so the reader doesn't get a real sense of surroundings. Why not add a brief comment on what 'desert is. On how the fire would much rather be feeding on the grass and leaves or moss that are at the bottom - how when the fire is first lit, it is given a mall ample of this better fuel to tempt it to alight, to tempt it into being.

Also, your fire has such a strong personality so strengthen its identity. Don't waver between I and we, make a decision. Which is it? Does the fire take the noble approach and refer to itself as 'we' all the time, i all fire connected? Is all fire one being? Is fire a race? Think about it. You show some uncertainty in this piece -
Who dealt piercing blows to Rome and London? Who ravaged the White House? I did. We did.
This makes it impossible for your reader to be certain. So think about what idea you want to convey.

Other than that, I have no other criticism. Good work, hope this helps a little at least,

Heather xx
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