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This thread was created on February 20, 2008
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Children are Apt to Forget to Remember pt 2 of 2

Children are Apt to Forget to Remember pt 1 of 2
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 9:23 pm    Post subject: Children are Apt to Forget to Remember pt 1 of 2 Reply with quote

"stars rain sun moon

(and only the snow can begin to explain

how children are apt to forget to remember

with up so floating many bells down)" -e.e. cummings

There are many things in this world that go unnoticed. There are many people who seem to only seek further knowledge on the things they are familiar with, the things they can see, the things which they can prove. Thankfully, there are still young children who can push past these boundaries. Children dare to envision colors, sounds, even whole worlds that lie in the tiny cracks no others dare to tread. It is with this in mind that we travel on…

"Jo! Jo! Where are you Jo?" The frantic cries of Ms. Delaney echoed in the early Sunday morning, searching for her 6-year-old child who had already taken off into the suburban neighborhood. Ms. Delaney, at this rate, was having about three near heart attacks a day, and as Jo grew older, was pushing for a fourth.

"Jo Rebecca Delaney, you come back here this instant!" she screamed desperately down the street, hoping it would fall on one specific young ear. Jo, however, was still nowhere to be found. Some of the neighbors were poking their drowsy, stocking-cap heads around their doors, wondering what all the ruckus was about at so early an hour. Ms. Delaney, however, had long lost the respect of her neighbors. Enough mornings of a similar nature had assured this. Ms. Delaney peered down the street and at last spotted two pigtails bounding up the road in her direction. She sighed, then walked over to Jo, who was skipping and grinning just as easily as if she had been doing it every day of her short life, which she basically had.

"Hi Mommy!" Jo sang out, her voice dripping with innocence and harmony, "Look what I found this morning!"

She shoved a dandelion into her mother's hand, scattering seeds on her mother's skirt as she did.

Ms. Delaney smiled a tired smile that seemed to come effortlessly in these circumstances.

"Oh, honey, that's lovely. I'll bring it inside." Absentmindedly she took hold of Jo's tiny hand and led her back to the house. She was aware of the disapproving looks that were boring into the back of her head as she trudged home, but she was too busy mentally preparing herself for the battle to come: namely, the day.

Once inside, Jo dashed into the kitchen, her mind all ready to take in the next adventure. Idly, she hummed and twirled in the cramped kitchen as much as she could.

"Jo," Ms. Delaney said through clenched teeth, "you've already caused enough trouble today, don't you think? Why don't you just go to your room and color or something?" She sank into a chair at the kitchen table, her head falling right into her hands.

Jo stopped twirling and stared at her mother, hurt.

"But Mommy, look outside! I've made a new friend. Can't you see him? His name is David. He taught me a magic spell and I have to spin around like this ten times, otherwise it won't work." With that she waved to the front lawn, which was empty save for the assorted toys scattered here and there.

Ms. Delaney looked out her window and sighed once more. "Jo, please. Mommy's not in the mood for this."

"No really, Mommy! He's there, just look harder!" Ms. Delaney could feel Jo's indignation radiating from her voice, so to prevent a full blown tantrum, she humored her daughter and looked outside.

"Oh, you mean THAT David," she said with false enthusiasm. "I just didn't see him clearly before, but now I see him, right out there." She pointed out the window where she thought her daughter would believe that she saw something.

It wasn't where David was apparently standing.

"Mommmmeeeee, that's not where he iiiisssss." whined Jo, stomping her foot. "Don't pretend you see him when you don't. He doesn't pretend to see you, does he?"

"I don't know, hon, because there's no one out there."

"YES THERE IS!" Jo screeched, tears streaming down her face. She turned on her heel and ran outside, leaving the front door wide open. Ms. Delaney could see her through the window, standing in the yard and crying for the whole world to see. Ms. Delaney begrudgingly stood up and made to go out the door, but as she watched Jo, she stopped for a moment. It didn't appear that Jo was crying anymore. In fact, she was talking. Ms. Delaney watched as her daughter continued to have a conversation with thin air, and continued to watch as she started to laugh and spin once more. Ms. Delaney started to feel a tiny flame of anxiety ignite in her chest, worried about her daughter and what might come of this. She had heard of children who had imaginary friends and grew up to be basket cases. They never let go of their imaginary friends, or had troubles in society when it came to interaction. Ms. Delaney made a silent note to monitor this new development, and continued to stare as Jo twirled around the lawn, head thrown back to embrace the sky.

That night at dinner, Jo set an extra seat for her new friend. "David likes spaghetti, Mommy. He says thanks for letting him sit here at the table too."

"I'm glad to hear he likes spaghetti…" Ms. Delaney said half-heartedly. She really wanted this all to blow over, and soon. It wasn't like Jo was in desperate need of a friend. She certainly had her playmates, and Ms. Delaney felt she was a pretty attentive mother. She thought, however, it might have something to do with Jo's daddy leaving when Jo was five. Jo never complained, but Ms. Delaney had still noticed that Jo had gotten much more reckless and disobeyed far more often than not. Jo would also drift off and imagine the craziest things, such as pink dolphins that sang her to sleep, or trees as tall as mountains where fairies built their homes. Frankly, it worried Ms. Delaney how often Jo came in from a day of playing with her pixie friends and inventing potions that would make her "fly". Ms. Delaney, however, had tried to be a good sport and had put up with all of it. That is, until Jo now.

"Mommy, David wants cheese on his spaghetti. Lots and lots, he says."

"Jo, I'm not giving David any spaghetti. Only people eat spaghetti."

"Mommy, David IS a people. He's magic, Mommy, but he still wants spaghetti. He says spaghetti gives him extra strength to do magic, and I really, really want him to make me a fairy. Pleeeeeease give him spaghetti. He'll eat every bit."

"Jo, please!" Ms. Delaney blurted out finally, "I've tried to be reasonable and let you have your fun. I've tried to be a good mother, so I didn't say anything when you told me dolphins could sing, or trees could be as tall as mountains, or little girls could fly, but dammit Jo, I can't let you keep imagining these things. They aren't real! None of it is! The sooner you realize that, the sooner you'll be able to just GROW UP."

At that she pushed away from the table and stormed out of the kitchen, but not before she could get a glimpse of her daughter's face, which had crumpled like a napkin.

Ms. Delaney stormed right into her home office, where she immediately reached for the telephone book and started frantically flipping through the pages. It was time to nip this thing in the bud.

"Ms. Delaney, I understand where you're coming from, believe me. Too many times I come across children who spend their days with imaginary friends and not nearly enough time with their studies, or even real people. It makes me think what they'll be like as adults in working society…probably leeches who absorb honest money to blow it all on booze and drugs. Makes me shudder."

"So we're agreed?"

"Yes, I think it would be a very good idea. What days are best for you?"

"Well, I work at the community college, so weekdays aren't the best for me. What about Saturdays around 3:00?"

"That sounds good for me, too. Don't you worry, Ms. Delaney, we'll get this all straightened out for you in no time."


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Last edited by omgafilangi on Wed Feb 20, 2008 11:27 pm; edited 3 times in total
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 10:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ohemgee Juno was a great movie. [/random]

Anyway, hi! I'm Saint. I don't think I've seen you around YWS before. *waves*

Can I ask you to do one veeery important thing for me in all my idiosyncratic nitpickyness? (I don't know what that means either. Work with me.) Can you space out your paragraphs? Remember that each time someone different starts speaking, it's a new paragraph and therefore needs a blank line between it and the preceding paragraph.

You've done it with other paragraphs, I just would like to have you do this to make reading this a bit easier. Okay? Okay. I'm just pretty nitpicky about formatting, because my eyes are kinda sensitive. Sorry to be a pain. xD

When you've done that, send me a PM and I'll come back for a proper critique, okay? Thank you and have a nice day! =D

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2008 4:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yay! Thank you very much for fixing your formatting. And you split it into two parts? Lovely! Now I'll have to critique both. Wink

I randomly love the e. e. cummings poem at the beginning. Not sure why. *shrug*

On that note, I'm not entirely sure that I'm in love with your first paragraph. It seems kind of... blah. It's a bit of a lecture, if you know what I mean. And no one likes a lecture. I'd either get rid of it and just jump straight into the action or do a total rewrite. Your choice. ^^

Quote:
Enough mornings of a similar nature had assured this.

This sentence seems a bit blah to me... it's kind of telling rather than showing. Which is a problem. =P

Come to think of that, telling over showing seems to be prominent in your writing... *reads on*

Quote:
mentally preparing herself for the battle to come: namely, the day.

Rofl! Nice touch of humour here.

Quote:
"Mommmmeeeee, that's not where he iiiisssss."

That had better be a comma at the end of that quote. Wink

What a prude. Not letting her child's imagination flourish like that... tsk, that's far too prominent in today's youth...

*shuts up*

Anyway, getting off the soapbox, I can see true potential here! Your one, majorly suicidal flaw is the fact that you tend to tell more than show -- I don't want to sit here and be told that Jo's daddy left when she was young and the sob story of her life blah blah blah blah. Not very interesting. It's best to find the best way to mix your exposition with the action, just to keep things moving and let people know what's going on at the same time. Keeps things smooth and fast-paced while simultaneously cluing your reader in. It takes practise, don't worry. Wink

Best of luck! Oh, and if you have any questions, feel free to send me a PM!
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 3:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey there!

Quote:
There are many things in this world that go unnoticed. There are many people who seem to only seek further knowledge on the things they are familiar with, the things they can see, the things which they can prove. Thankfully, there are still young children who can push past these boundaries. Children dare to envision colors, sounds, even whole worlds that lie in the tiny cracks no others dare to tread. It is with this in mind that we travel on…
This is a real peculiar way to begin. I'm not knocking it just yet; I need to read the whole thing before that! But do keep in mind that you need to hook, pull, and trap your reader into the story as soon as possible. Some people suggest having the hook within the first three paragraphs, but the sooner you can do it, the better. Spending five sentences on something like this could cause you to loose readers entirely.

Quote:
The frantic cries of Ms. Delaney echoed in the early Sunday morning, searching for her 6-year-old child who had already taken off into the suburban neighborhood.
I do have a problem with how infodumping this is, but my biggest problem is how quickly the setting is skipped over. Try to describe what the Sunday morning is like. Is the sun just rising, or is it still dark out? Is it cold, or terribly hot? Are there crickets in the woods behind the houses? Are there people getting ready to go to church, or is everyone still asleep?

Quote:
Enough mornings of a similar nature had assured this.
I don't like the use of the word "enough". Instead say "several" or "repeated"

Quote:
She sighed, then walked over to Jo, who was skipping and grinning just as easily as if she had been doing it every day of her short life, which she basically had.
I particularly don't like this. We already know that she has done it a lot, because you mention earlier that this isn't the first time this has happened. The part "which she basically had" is redundant to the phrase before it, and to the previous mention of it. I would cut it, and try to find a better way to describe how she was skipping and grinning. Also, consider saying "who skipped and grinned".

Quote:
"Hi Mommy!" Jo sang out, her voice dripping with innocence and harmony, "Look what I found this morning!"
I'd put a period after "harmony"

Quote:
Ms. Delaney smiled a tired smile that seemed to come effortlessly in these circumstances.
"smiled a tired smile" is ugly because of the repetition of smile. Change "in these circumstances" to "despite the circumstances".

Quote:
Absentmindedly [comma] she took hold of Jo's tiny hand and led her back to the house.


Quote:
She was aware of the disapproving looks that were boring into the back of her head as she trudged home
Make these people who have disapproving looks come to life. Your setting is dead, I dare say. I can only imagine the suburban house setting. But talk about these people. Maybe there are old neighbors who are standing on their porch staring at her, and the always talk to her about how she doesn't know how to handle her child. Maybe there is another mother on the street who tries to help her take care of Jo, but Ms Delaney is too proud to admit she needs help. How are these people standing? Are they muttering, or just in silence?

[quote]her mind all ready to take in the next adventure.[quote]

Quote:
"YES THERE IS!" Jo screeched, tears streaming down her face.
I agree, little kids are insane, but this still seems way too sudden--too sudden even for an insane little kid.

Quote:
She certainly had her playmates, and Ms. Delaney felt she was a pretty attentive mother. She thought, however, it might have something to do with Jo's daddy leaving when Jo was five. Jo never complained, but Ms. Delaney had still noticed that Jo had gotten much more reckless and disobeyed far more often than not. Jo would also drift off and imagine the craziest things, such as pink dolphins that sang her to sleep, or trees as tall as mountains where fairies built their homes. Frankly, it worried Ms. Delaney how often Jo came in from a day of playing with her pixie friends and inventing potions that would make her "fly". Ms. Delaney, however, had tried to be a good sport and had put up with all of it. That is, until Jo now.
Infodumping, darling! It also brings up some questions. Is Delaney her maiden name? Did the get a divorce? I thought she hadn't married because of the Ms. rather than Mrs.

This is peculiar! I want to complain about how childish Ms. Delaney really is. No parent, ever, would act like that. But I think that may be your intention? From what I can understand, you're trying to show the ridiculous/childish ways of adults, when children are usually smarter ones? If that made sense. If I'm wrong then, hahah. I don't know!

From what I've read so far, I think you could cut the first paragraph. If that is your theme, you don't want to give it away in the first paragraph like that! That's something for the reader to find as the read.

Your character's are good, but I think you could do a lot more. The plot, so far, is the strongest part, but do keep characterization and setting in mind! Cleaning those up/adding to them will really help flesh out the story. Currently, I can't really think of anything else to say. I think I had some other things. Hm. Well! I'll read part two soon, and then I will have more to say I'm sure. I hope this helped, and if you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 12:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey! Great story you've got going on here! OK, let's start at the beginning.


Quote:
There are many things in this world that go unnoticed. There are many people who seem to only seek further knowledge on the things they are familiar with, the things they can see, the things which they can prove. Thankfully, there are still young children who can push past these boundaries. Children dare to envision colors, sounds, even whole worlds that lie in the tiny cracks no others dare to tread. It is with this in mind that we travel on…


Awesome beginning! It really prepared me for the rest of the paragraph.

Quote:
The frantic cries of Ms. Delaney echoed in the early Sunday morning, searching for her 6-year-old child who had already taken off into the suburban neighborhood.


You've got a great description going on here, but it almost sounds like Ms. Delaney's cries are searching for the child. Maybe you could put something like:
Quote:
The frantic cries of Ms. Delaney echoed in the early Sunday morning as she searched for her six-year-old child, who had already taken off in the suburban neighboorhood.



Quote:
Ms. Delaney, however, had long lost the respect of her neighbors. Enough mornings of a similar nature had assured this.


I like how you established the fact that this is a regular morning.

Quote:
"Hi Mommy!" Jo sang out, her voice dripping with innocence and harmony, "Look what I found this morning!"
She shoved a dandelion into her mother's hand, scattering seeds on her mother's skirt as she did.


Love the innocence portrayed in this scene. Great job! Razz

Quote:
Idly, she hummed and twirled in the cramped kitchen as much as she could
.


I don't think the word "Idly" works here. Busily would probably be a better word.

Quote:
"Mommmmeeeee, that's not where he iiiisssss." whined Jo, stomping her foot. "Don't pretend you see him when you don't. He doesn't pretend to see you, does he?"


I like this scene, because it really fits with Jo's personality.

Quote:
Ms. Delaney started to feel a tiny flame of anxiety ignite in her chest, worried about her daughter and what might come of this.


Love the "flame of anxiety".

Quote:
That is, until Jo now.


"Until Jo now" does't really make a whole lot of sense. You could probably take the "Jo" out.


Quote:
"I've tried to be reasonable and let you have your fun. I've tried to be a good mother, so I didn't say anything when you told me dolphins could sing, or trees could be as tall as mountains, or little girls could fly, but dammit Jo, I can't let you keep imagining these things. They aren't real! None of it is! The sooner you realize that, the sooner you'll be able to just GROW UP."

Don't like the swear word in here. It kind of removes the innocence. You could put in "darn it" instead.

Quote:
...which had crumpled like a napkin.


Like the description here.


Summary
All in all I think you've got a good story here. The innocence portrayed here is awesome, and I think you've got a bright future ahead of you. I want to read the rest of it, so post soon! Once again, I think you should take out the swear word. Try to staay away from those. They bring your writing quality down a notch. Anyway, Keep writing!

God Bless

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 4:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello!

-Nitpicks-

Quote:
She shoved a dandelion into her mother's hand, scattering seeds on her mother's skirt as she did.
This repetition kind of bothers me.

Quote:
Idly, she hummed and twirled in the cramped kitchen as much as she could.
This feels really awkward to me. Maybe try saying: "Idly, she hummed and twirled as much as she could in the cramped kitchen." That seems more natural--to me. *shrug*

Quote:
"Mommmmeeeee, that's not where he iiiisssss." whined Jo, stomping her foot.
The period after "iiiisssss" should be a comma. ^_~

Quote:
Ms. Delaney watched as her daughter continued to have a conversation with thin air, and continued to watch as she started to laugh and spin once more. Ms. Delaney started to feel a tiny flame of anxiety ignite in her chest, worried about her daughter and what might come of this.
More of that repetition! I know it's hard to get rid of it, but try your best. Wink

Quote:
Frankly, it worried Ms. Delaney how often Jo came in from a day of playing with her pixie friends and inventing potions that would make her "fly".
Nitpick: The period after "fly" should go inside the quotation marks. Rolling Eyes

Quote:
"Yes, I think it would be a very good idea. What days are best for you?"
"Well, I work at the community college, so weekdays aren't the best for me. What about Saturdays around 3:00?"
Another nitpick: there should be a space between these two paragraphs.
-------------------------------

-Overall-

We could use a little more descriptive imagery, methinks. I don't really know anything about your characters or your settings... and I want to. Twisted Evil I want to know what the outdoors SMELL like, what the air in the house FEELS like--everything. You don't have to go over the top with poetic descriptions, but a little more would be nice. Very Happy

Also, I agree with Suzanne in that the mom acts a bit childishly. What mom would storm out on their kid like that? I might do that, but I'm 13--and not a parent. Razz

I really liked this, though! *gives yo a gold star and scuttles off to read part two*

PM me if you have any questions/comments!

Hope this helps.
~Azila~

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 6:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
"stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)" -e.e. cummings


There are many things in this world that go unnoticed. There are many people who seem to only seek further knowledge on the things they are familiar with, the things they can see, the things which they can prove. Thankfully, there are still young children who can push past these boundaries. Children dare to envision colors, sounds, even whole worlds that lie in the tiny cracks no others dare to tread. It is with this in mind that we travel on…


This is very preachy and a bad way to start a work of fiction. If you have to explain what you're trying to communicate, then you are not writing effectively.

Quote:
"Jo! Jo! Where are you Jo?" The frantic cries of Ms. Delaney echoed in the early Sunday morning, searching for her 6-year-old child who had already taken off into the suburban neighborhood. Ms. Delaney, at this rate, was having about three near heart attacks a day, and as Jo grew older, was pushing for a fourth.

"Jo Rebecca Delaney, you come back here this instant!" she screamed desperately down the street, hoping it would fall on one specific young ear. Jo, however, was still nowhere to be found. Some of the neighbors were poking their drowsy, stocking-cap heads around their doors, wondering what all the ruckus was about at so early an hour. Ms. Delaney, however, had long lost the respect of her neighbors. Enough mornings of a similar nature had assured this. Ms. Delaney peered down the street and at last spotted two pigtails bounding up the road in her direction. She sighed, then walked over to Jo, who was skipping and grinning just as easily as if she had been doing it every day of her short life, which she basically had.


I think it would be more effective if you describe this mother stalking down the street searching and calling for her daughter, instead of relying on the narrator talking about how the neighbors have lost their respect for the mother. Describe the ruckus, her marching and calling, her asking neighbors if they have seen her daughter, etc.

Quote:
"Jo, please!" Ms. Delaney blurted out finally, "I've tried to be reasonable and let you have your fun. I've tried to be a good mother, so I didn't say anything when you told me dolphins could sing, or trees could be as tall as mountains, or little girls could fly, but dammit Jo, I can't let you keep imagining these things. They aren't real! None of it is! The sooner you realize that, the sooner you'll be able to just GROW UP."


This caused a pretty strong reaction on my part: "She's only six for crying out loud..." So if this was your object, you achieved it.

Quote:
Ms. Delaney stormed right into her home office, where she immediately reached for the telephone book and started frantically flipping through the pages. It was time to nip this thing in the bud.

"Ms. Delaney, I understand where you're coming from, believe me. Too many times I come across children who spend their days with imaginary friends and not nearly enough time with their studies, or even real people. It makes me think what they'll be like as adults in working society…probably leeches who absorb honest money to blow it all on booze and drugs. Makes me shudder."

"So we're agreed?"

"Yes, I think it would be a very good idea. What days are best for you?"
"Well, I work at the community college, so weekdays aren't the best for me. What about Saturdays around 3:00?"

"That sounds good for me, too. Don't you worry, Ms. Delaney, we'll get this all straightened out for you in no time."


She never actually dialed the number, so is she having some sort of imaginary phone call? I'm not exactly sure about the professional either, nearly everyone with a child development background would know that imaginary friends are just a phase kids go through.

The story isn't so bad, but I think you should shelve it. The characters just don't seem real. Mother's wouldn't really worry about the nonsense of six year olds. If she were twice as old, it might barely be a concern. Remember that Peter Pan is dealing with a similar theme and Wendy is well into her teen years by this time.

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