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canislupis
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 Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 11:44 pm Post subject: |
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Hi!
I really like this version. Blizzard seems to have a bit more personality, and the Cliches have been toned down and made beleilveable.
One negative thing I did notice though, was that the flow seems to have been disrupted a teency bit when you edited.... But that may be just me. 
Here are another few things I noticed this time around:
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The first shadows of dusk claw their way across the ground, forming a maze of light and shadows on the forest floor. I watch the crimson luminescence filter through the trees in a state of calm rapture; the solitude and serenity here are a blissful refuge from my bitter, quarreling pack.
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Nice description here, but it could be toned down a bit... I really like the imagery, but stuff like 'crimson luminescence' kinda distracted me. 
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| from my bitter, quarreling pack. |
Wait a second... That doesn't really sound right. Maybe find another word besides bitter? I dunno....
ooh... I have to go soon, so I'll wrap it up. One thing I'd say about the characterization is to work on motive. You've done a good job making Blizzard and some of the other charrys have personalities, but they also have to have a reason to do what they do. (ex. Bane. He has to have some motive for being 'evil'. He can't be mean just for the sake of it, 'cus that's not beleiveable. Think about what's going on in his head when he does his misdeeds. (even if you don't encorporate it in the story)
If you think about it, nobody really thinks they are 'evil'... They usually have some excuse for what they do. Think about it! |
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Last edited by canislupis on Thu Sep 04, 2008 11:44 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Wolf
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| Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 1:44 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks so much lupis! =)
I'm glad you like the edited version better. Hopefully, you'll like the extra-edited version even more! XP
Anyway, thanks for the suggestions. I do have a reason planned out for Bane's evilness, so maybe I'll incorporate it/explain it in part two? You know, when they're in the spirit world. Or something. 
And I'll work on motives, too!
Thanks again,
Camille xx |
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KJ
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| Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 3:23 pm Post subject: |
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| Really have nothing negative to say. I liked it, thought it was interesting, and well-written. Write on. |
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~nariel~
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| Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 5:37 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Wolf, I don't think I've critiqued any of your work yet, so here it goes.  Oh, and most of this is plain nitpicky, so don't take it too seriously.
1.
Although the descriptions in this flow well in some places, they seem quite too much in others. An example would be:
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| I watch the crimson luminescence filter through the trees in a state of calm rapture. |
It left me thinking: okay, that's all pretty and stuff, but I want some action! You definetley don't leave your readers wondering what things look like in your story, but some places in your story are more meant for actiony type stuff (like dialogue, progress in the plot, etc) than just description.
Your beginning is also an example of where description isn't really neccessary. It doesn't really draw your reader in. Feel free to put in description after you've written a very strong beginning, but not as the beginning. Oooh, that was very confusing. I hope you understand. Anyway, onto the next thing.
2.
You said in the beginning that this was an excerpt from the middle of your story. I disagree that this should be the middle of the story...For now. Unless, you plan to put Blizzard's mother's death before all of this and her first meeting with Bane. If not, it wouldn't really make sense to intorduce all of that now, in the middle of the story.
I'm sure you have a good reason for all of this, but I thought I would mention it anyway.
3.
This story flows very well. It's almost like a lullabye to me. It flows just like water. That is very good and I'm jealous, becuase I suffer from making my stories to choppy.
When you're not over-describing in some places, your description is very lovely (this is part of the reason why it has the lullabye effect on me).
Again, my suggestions would be to take out some of the descriptions, especially in the beginning, and work on your beginning (try putting in some more oomph).
It has been a pleasure reviewing your work and I look forward to reviewing the next parts,
Nariel. |
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canislupis
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 11:47 pm Post subject: |
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Ooh.... One more thing I noticed:
Even though this is fantasy, I think it would be good if you incorporated more of the natural wolf behavior/hierarchy type stuff. I know you mentioned one of the wolves having pups 'just out of the nursery'. In the wild, this (as you probably know) would be really rare. Also, wolves don't spend their lives in one central 'camp' but rather move around, following their prey. Just something to think about....... |
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natalie
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 5:10 pm Post subject: |
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Overall, I thought that the description was incredibly detailed and quite wonderful, though possibly unnecessary in places.
I understand why you would think that the second person might be strange. At first I did not understand what was happening, though when she came back to reality, it became obvious. Sadly, I cannot think of any ways to make this more obvious at the time, other than to reveal to the reader that she is sinking into a flash-back somehow.
Though you say that you cannot gain Blizzard's character as much as you would like, I don't feel that it is too much of a problem, as this can be developed either before or after this extract. Maybe add a few words about different senses, this always adds a new perspective and deepness to character I find.
Generally, I really enjoyed reading it and would happily continue finding out about what happens next.
Good Luck!!  |
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