Topic ID: 25988
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
SkaterPunk2011
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Jun 2007
Posts: 35
Reviews: 17
Country: United States
300 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 6:27 pm Post subject: Bloody Pearls |
 |
|
Bloody Pearls
I feel you linger closer.
And you breathe down my neck.
I’m holding back on what’s killing me.
For I know what is to be.
The piercing pearls are scarring me.
Eternity is forever, withholding.
Our love is to be forever
With one last taste of blood
Hold my wrists and drain the red.
Grab me tight, and don’t let me drown .
Kiss me with passion, as you did before.
Tell me that our love will never fade.
As the world turns black and white.
I reach out for a last taste of freedom.
I have become a slave to your world.
I’ll never leave, as I am chained to your touch. |
_________________
Heal my wounds with devotion, sew up my heart with despair, strip my face of confinement, release me to the dreams that await me.
Last edited by SkaterPunk2011 on Sun Feb 17, 2008 4:00 pm; edited 2 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
SimonCowellLuver
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 22 Dec 2007
Posts: 271
Reviews: 112
Country: It is somewhere i can relax and enjoy my life.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 7:39 pm Post subject: |
|
|
i like this it is great. All you have to do is add punctionuation to it. Even though it is a poem in stanza form it needs commas,periods, etc.
But content wise it was very cool to read. I like this kind of poetry.
Keep Up The Good Work!! XD
TTYL SIMONCOWELLLUVER |
_________________
No Amount of therapy
will ever make this
moment OK. |
|
| Back to top |
|
TheForgottenAuthor
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 28 Feb 2007
Posts: 55
Reviews: 41
Country: LaLa Land
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 8:08 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This was pretty good...I like this. But my question is...
What do "bloody pearls" have to do with this? I mean, the whole "piercing pearls" thing confuses me. This was good, it has a lot of really strong emotion. I just don't get how the pearl thing ties in. |
_________________
lOvE aLwAyS,
Emalee |
|
| Back to top |
|
SkaterPunk2011
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Jun 2007
Posts: 35
Reviews: 17
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 8:10 pm Post subject: Pearls |
|
|
| It means teeth. Haven't you ever heard someone refer to teeth as pearly whites. It was a basic vampire theme, I'm sorry for the confusion, it's my old ways coming back to haunt me. |
_________________
Heal my wounds with devotion, sew up my heart with despair, strip my face of confinement, release me to the dreams that await me. |
|
| Back to top |
|
TheForgottenAuthor
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 28 Feb 2007
Posts: 55
Reviews: 41
Country: LaLa Land
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 8:17 pm Post subject: |
|
|
OH!
Well I have heard of someone call teeth pearly whites, just not...pearls...
Ok, I get it now!!! *laughs* |
_________________
lOvE aLwAyS,
Emalee |
|
| Back to top |
|
shanan-cat
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 23 Jan 2008
Posts: 154
Reviews: 120
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Feb 17, 2008 12:06 am Post subject: |
|
|
I really liked this one!
| Quote: |
I’m holding back on what’s killing me.
For I know what is to be.
I loved this stanza! It really makes you get the fact that your being real serious.
|
The piercing pearls are scarring me.
Eternity is forever, withholding.
Our love is to be forever
I LOVED this part the most! It catches my attention, and I'm sure others too.
| Quote: |
With one last taste of blood
This part takes away from the rest of your section. Change it.
|
Tell me that our love will never fade.
Change "fade" to "be gone" so it can rhyme. It will change it for the best.
[quote]As the world turns black and white.
I reach out for a last taste of freedom.
A slave to your world, I have become.
I’ll never leave, as I am chained to your touch.
Love what you did with the end!
Over all, it was amazing and had a lot of taste to it.
shanan-cat! |
_________________
"Teeth yell
louder than
words..." |
|
| Back to top |
|
Eimear
It ain't me, babe
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 26 Jan 2008
Posts: 644
Reviews: 314
Country: In the land of bogs and emerald green.
250 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Feb 17, 2008 10:13 am Post subject: |
|
|
Heyhey, your work is coming along very nicely indeed. This was a great piece.
I enjoyed the way your thoughts flowed well, for example this line is fab:
| Quote: |
I’m holding back on what’s killing me.
For I know what is to be. |
Everyso often the rhyming scheme comes back and we as readers are kept on our toes. This is a very good technique because instead of coming across as forced (as I tend to do when creating rhyming couplets-guilty!) it presents your poem as effortless, it simply happens that way.
The theme is still quite dark, for example I didnt know what "bloody pearls" were either, and it sort of put me off because so many writers try to go down the emotional gothic path in order to produce passion and good prose.
But this is just my point of view, and it really doesnt matter what route you go down, as long as you enjoy it. That is obvious from your poetry, and that counts for a hell of a lot.
I would suggest re-ordering the second last line from
| Quote: |
| A slave to your world, I have become |
To--> "I have become a slave to your world". It just seems more effective that way. Feel free to ignore me though.
Great job, you know you can PM me with more,
Eimearxx |
_________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-Oscar Wilde- |
|
| Back to top |
|
Teh Wozzinator
Respect the 'Vette!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 26 Jul 2007
Posts: 733
Reviews: 234
Country: Limbo...
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 12:55 am Post subject: |
|
|
Haha, I really have nothing to say that others haven't. This was really interesting, and it flowed very well.
One thing that I don't agree with (no offense meant) is Shanan-cat's "fade" to "be gone". I know that the rhyming sounds good, and makes it more rhythmic, but if you're going to rhyme, you need to rhyme in the whole poem, or it gets off. Again, no offense meant, it's a good idea but might not work too well... but you don't have to listen to me. (I wonder how many people actually do.  )
But it was good, rhythm was good, although it (again) didn't make much sense to me till the explanation... although I kind of understood, I guess.
I didn't exactly love the use of two "forever"s right after each other in stanza two, but your choice....
And in "Eternity is forever, withholding" I would ditch the comma to make it sound better.
My favorite part was
"I’m holding back on what’s killing me.
For I know what is to be."
The difference between sentence length looked weird, but flowed surprisingly well.
Keep up the good work--and more importantly, keep writing!!! (I'll keep reading)
Teh Wozzinator |
_________________
Cow: You're a lawyer too?
Mosquito: Yeah, I was already a blood-sucking parasite, all I had to do was get the briefcase! ~The Bee Movie
There are "normal" people in the world, but they're no fun to write about. |
|
| Back to top |
|
[deleted1]
Loves Lindsay-Baby forever. <3
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 02 Mar 2007
Posts: 785
Reviews: 189
Country: Toledo
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:22 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Really good poem! Keep up the good work!
-Rick |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
hekategirl
An Angel with an Edge
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 03 Feb 2005
Posts: 1453
Reviews: 323
Country: An Alleyway North of Sanity
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 1:56 am Post subject: |
|
|
I enjoyed the imagery and the use of the word "pearls" to mean "teeth" but there wasn't much rhythm to it. Every line seemed to stand alone, it didn't flow with the rest of the poem.
| Quote: |
Hold my wrists and drain the red. In this line you've established a rhythm, but then...
Grab me tight, and don’t let me drown...here you change the flow completely, when you do that it's clunky and uncomfortable to read |
Overall I liked this poem (I'm a sucker for vampires =P) but it needs to work, right now it doesn't read well. Fix the flow and it will be killer! |
_________________
***Honorary 11-Year-Old***
Heh-COT-ee-GUR-el
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Rjjr_vectra
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 16 Jul 2007
Posts: 49
Reviews: 34
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 10:01 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Punc.tuation. Work on. That. Other than that. It's has detail. and some good wording. Keep. It up. |
_________________
I'm not here, this isn't happening... |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
