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Angel of Death
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 Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 4:20 pm Post subject: I Fear thee whom I loved |
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I am reading Twilight right now finally, and this just popped in my head.
I Fear thee who I loved
By Angel of Death
I fear thee who I loved with the greatest fear
He is gorgeous, but yet deadly, I notice as I stare
His eyes stare at me full of lust
I don't want to leave his side but I know one day I must
He loves me more than I love him
So much he is willing to leave them
His family
Whom he loves dearly
I fear thee who I loved with the greatest of ease
He is serious sometimes, and other times he is just a tease
He is more than just an evil wraith
Even so I know that the time I spend with him is leap of faith
I am addicted to him, I can't let him go
In my dreams I say his name, so he is sure to know
I whisper his name and he appears
If he is to leave me, all I'll every be is tears
I fear thee who I loved for so long
That I forget all dangers, when he plays me a song
He declared his love for me, even though I know it was hard to do
So now when I say I love you, he says I love you too
He tells me that I am his all, his everything
When he says that I know what to him I mean
If he were to lose me he'd never love again
Because his heart would be so broken, harder to mend
I Fear thee who I loved and will love for eternity
From the moment he kissed me I knew that we were meant to be
But in my heart I know its my blood that he craves
Yet so willingly its my life that he saves
He is my all, my everything
He turns my every nightmare, into a sweet dream
I would die for him
His name is Edward Cullen |
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Last edited by Angel of Death on Thu Feb 28, 2008 3:19 am; edited 3 times in total |
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SimonCowellLuver
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| Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 4:34 pm Post subject: Re: I Fear thy whom I loved |
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[quote="Summer"]I am reading Twilight right now finally, and this just popped in my head.
I Fear thy whom I loved
By Summer
I fear thy whom I loved with the greatest fear
He is gorgeous, but yet deadly, I notice as I stare
His eyes stare at me full of lust
I don't want to leave his side but I know one day I must
He loves me more than I love him
So much he is willing to leave them
His family
Whom he loves dearly
I fear thy whom I loved with the greatest of ease
He is serious sometimes, and other times he is just a tease
He is more than just an evil wraith
Even so I know that the time I spend with him is leap of faith
I am addicted to him, I can't let him go
In my dreams I say his name, so he is sure to know
I whisper his name and he appears
If he is to leave me, all I'll every be is tears
I fear thy whom I loved for so long
That I forget all dangers, when he plays me a song
He declared his love for me, even though I know it was hard to do
So now when I say I love you, he says I love you too
He tells me that I am his all, his everything
When he says that I know what to him I mean
If he were to lose me he'd never love again
Because his heart would be so broken, harder to mend
I Fear thy whom I loved and will love for eternity
From the moment he kissed me I knew that we were meant to be
But in my heart I know its my blood that he craves
Yet so willingly its my life that he saves
He is my all, my everything
He turns my every nightmare, into a sweet dream
I would die for him
His name is Edward Cullen[/quote]
Sorry that I quoted the whole thing but I don't know how to quote just a line yet. I like your poem it was very interestring.
Happy writing SimonCowellLuver  |
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PenguinAttack
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| Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 2:15 pm Post subject: |
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Hi there, I don't think I've seen you around before, so it's nice to meet you. ^^
The mix of Old English and modern English grates here terribly. I would suggest having it all in modern English, it works so much better, and the use of Old English isn't done very well.
Your use of repetition also stands out a little, I'm half inclined to tell you that it would be better gone, but that's not necessarily true. I think it's lost in amongst all the other words. The poem is quite wordy for having no real imagery. You mention events and feelings and things - which is great, really, for they help endear the reader to your character - but you don't describe any of these things. We get the basics and no extras. I'd like to see how he is gorgeous, how she feels when he stares, the whole lot.
These little things help the reader be part of the world you describe, allows the reader to feel for your persona and the events she speaks of.
With a little work, I think it could be quite nice. ^^ Luck with it, and Pm me if you do proceed to alter it at all. I'd like to see the end result.
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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OverEasy
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| Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 2:54 am Post subject: |
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I really agree with the statement about the Old English, it would be better left out. And I also sort of question the repitition, I can't decide if I like it or I think it would be better left out, that is for you to decide I think. Still the Old English would be much better gone, it doesn't fit in this poem at all and if anything it's a bit distracting.
I am not a fan of twilight, though I have read it several times to try to find the appeal, so I know exactly where this is coming from. However all I can think while reading it is that it would be better if it were something you were closer to, not something you had read about. Try writing about something you have lived, it makes for better imagination.
I hope this helps 
Happy Writing,
OverEasy |
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Cade
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| Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 3:40 am Post subject: |
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Please, for goodness' sake, don't use archaic language if you don't even know how. "Thy" is possessive. You meant "thee".
Beyond that it strikes me as pretty much a Twilight-fangirl-squee piece. |
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Moe_Moe17
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| Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 2:30 pm Post subject: POEM |
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| I LIKED IT KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! |
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[deleted1]
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| Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:00 pm Post subject: Re: I Fear thee whom I loved |
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| Angel of Death wrote: |
I am reading Twilight right now finally, and this just popped in my head.
I Fear thee who I loved
By Angel of Death
I fear thee who I loved with the greatest fear
He is gorgeous, but yet deadly, I notice as I stare
His eyes stare at me full of lust
I don't want to leave his side but I know one day I must
He loves me more than I love him
So much he is willing to leave them
His family
Whom he loves dearly
I fear thee who I loved with the greatest of ease
He is serious sometimes, and other times he is just a tease
He is more than just an evil wraith
Even so I know that the time I spend with him is leap of faith
I am addicted to him, I can't let him go
In my dreams I say his name, so he is sure to know
I whisper his name and he appears
If he is to leave me, all I'll every be is tears
I fear thee who I loved for so long
That I forget all dangers, when he plays me a song
He declared his love for me, even though I know it was hard to do
So now when I say I love you, he says I love you too
He tells me that I am his all, his everything
When he says that I know what to him I mean
If he were to lose me he'd never love again
Because his heart would be so broken, harder to mend
I Fear thee who I loved and will love for eternity
From the moment he kissed me I knew that we were meant to be
But in my heart I know its my blood that he craves
Yet so willingly its my life that he saves
He is my all, my everything
He turns my every nightmare, into a sweet dream
I would die for him
His name is Edward Cullen |
I really lilke this. I don't like the rythm too much, but I loved the Twilight series, and I love this poem. Keep up the good work!
-Rick |
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vamplord12
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| Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:51 am Post subject: |
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very good...since so far i have read all the books in the twilight series...this has great detail coming from the books...nice job and keep writing
~Dan |
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Ringo_rules987
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| Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 1:36 am Post subject: |
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| It's a beautiful love poem, but some of the rhymes weren't necessarily "true" rhymes. In the second and sixth stanzas, the words don't rhyme completely. Family, dearly? No. Again, mend? No. If you choose to rhyme, make it consistent. On top of that you had rhythm problems in parts. |
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