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GryphonFledgling
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 Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 2:45 pm Post subject: Mutts - Outside |
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12/17/07
005 – Outside
It was strange having so much space. It even frightened him a little. All his life he had been fenced in; walled up; tied down. His arms bore scars of many needles and his wrists had a band of hairless skin. The straps on the chairs had finally killed the hair.
The ground was hot beneath his bare feet and the sun was warm on his back. It had always been cold before, except when they put him in the hot box. Sometimes it was wet in there, and it was hard to breathe for all the steam. Other times it was dry and he would get thirsty and sweat would pour down his body. He was sweating now and thirsty again, but he was free. Finally free. |
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Last edited by GryphonFledgling on Wed May 28, 2008 11:17 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Aedomir
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| Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 5:14 pm Post subject: |
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Hiya! I feel a bit guilty, I haven't read any of your other stuff, but still, let's see what we have here.
'All his life he had been fenced in; walled up; tied down.<-I like this His arms bore scars of many needles and his wrists had a band of hairless skin. The straps on the chairs had finally killed the hair it.'
I really liked this passage, quick, to the point and well-flowing. The last couple of sentences wer very strong too, I liked them very much.
Cool I jsut realised something! 17/12/07 was my 14th birthday!
Keep writing, I really liked this!
~D'Aedomir~ |
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HollieWood
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| Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 10:53 pm Post subject: |
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J'aime! (I'm pretty sure that is how you say I like in french lol..must pay more attention)
Good, keep writing..cause it left a good mental image but I was a little confused..does this go along with something else that I should have read before? |
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Teh Wozzinator
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| Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 12:57 am Post subject: |
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Oh no!! I didn't notice this early enough.
Hmm
I do believe that this is the Mutt, is it not? So now I get to figure out how he feels!! Yay!! lol...
Your story is moving along great. Of course. Just repeating what I've said before. XD
The only edit I have (since this is such a short piece) is the same one that Aedomir had. Change "the hair" at the end of paragraph one into simply "it". Other than that... great!
Can you PM me when part 11 comes out? And part 12, etc...
I really like the story and it's kind of hard to constantly keep track of how many are out.
Keep writing!!
Teh Wozzinator |
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Katharsis
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| Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 5:04 am Post subject: |
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| Sometimes it was wet in there, and it was hard to breathe for all the steam. |
I would replace this with "hard to breathe through all the steam", for, while valid, just doesn't sit well for me.
Ultimately there's little here to critique. Fix Aedomir's error, perhaps fix the above and write on. |
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Caligula's Launderette
that's just what we call pillow talk, baby
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| Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:55 am Post subject: |
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Hey, hon. I'm back, again, with another crit.
Ta,
Cal.
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