Topic ID: 25635
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Julia J
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 04 Feb 2008
Posts: 19
Reviews: 6
Country: Second star to the right
300 Points
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 Posted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 12:32 pm Post subject: --- |
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Last edited by Julia J on Mon Nov 03, 2008 12:15 am; edited 8 times in total |
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canislupis
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Reviews: 341
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| Posted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 5:05 pm Post subject: |
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I think the reason you haven't gotten any reviews yet is becuase the paragraphs aren't spanced out properly. This is your first post, so for the next time, remember to put at least one line between paragraphs.
Another thing I noticed was that you haven't reviewed anybody else's work yet. Bad idea.... Please try to review at least two or three stories for everything you post. So.... Besides that, here is my review.
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| Tonight the moon lay swathed in midnight silk, its stare vacant yet pure like a baby’s |
This is the very first sentence and you are changing tenses. (for some reason I can find errors like that in other people's work but not my own......... Sigh)
"Tonight" could be something like "that night". Or you could make the whole thing be in present tense and change "Lay" to "lie".....
This is a very weak word. thing? is it a creature? a monster? a person? Pick an adjective. 
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| body was robbed and felt my face mutate. Snarling viciously |
Uh-oh..... Is this another Vamp/ were-wolf story? If so..... There are already HUNDREDS of them here on YWS. If you want to wright one, it had better be an original idea. 
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My little outburst awakened my neighbors too, and the air grew heavy with our combined ire and pain. We would have carried on too if the human hadn't come out.
Pried from the shadows of the shelter’s entrance came a meaty man, his arms decked out in red tribal tattoos with a prominently peaked and shaven head blackened from grim. He wore a scowl no dog could match and his beady eyes sparkled madly beneath the folds of his massive brows. The way he stood with his arms fanned out and a hateful grimace slapped on his face made my eyes drift down towards his hand where, clasped between his pudgy fingers sat a slender instrument. It was long with a flat piece of metal as the head and smelled of ancient leather. At the mere sight of it I cringed for I had experienced the pain of its bite before and saw the nasty welts it left on your fur. The most frightening thing though was not the pain you felt but the hellish vigor the Devil showed when he was wielding such an instrument. Just the sound of his angular voice and the sight of his leather baton cocked in the air made us shut up. I backed away to cower beneath the shade of the shelter, the shadows swallowing me whole and hiding me from the moon's pocked visage now reduced to a warped sickle shape. It peered over the roof of the shack; my face hidden from it but its face not completely hidden from me. The godly essence was questioning where I was hiding but made no attempt to bring me out which almost disappointed me. But dank as where I lay may be with my consciousness slipping into the median of slumber and awareness, the moon made me feel warm and secure.
Just like spring times with Sera. |
We are moving WAAAAAAAY to fast here. the events are practically crowded together. You could easily spread this out into fouir or five paragraphs.
I have to go now, so I'll speed it up. I liked this as a beginning, but it needs a lot of work. If you edit, PM me. I'll come back and give you another review.
See ya!
~Lupis |
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Last edited by canislupis on Fri Feb 08, 2008 6:02 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Julia J
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 04 Feb 2008
Posts: 19
Reviews: 6
Country: Second star to the right
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 7:46 pm Post subject: |
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Well first I want to thank you for your critique, it's very much appreciated.
The story actually has nothing to do with vampires/werewolves lol I have no interest in those topics of fantasy. Troy is just a regular dog. The 'face mutating' part was meant to describe his changing expression but I'll have to edit/elaborate more.
I actually had no idea about the rules and I did receive a PM reminding me about the reviewing other peoples' work first bit but thanks for telling me.
I was just wondering though if you knew how to put spaces/indents in your post? I noticed that when I posted it and re-edited it nothing changed, but I thought it was just my browser :/.
I was also meaning to make the prologue short and vague but I guess in trying to do so I made the events rather cluttered haha.
Thank you so much for the review, I'll try to include everything you said into my re-edited piece!
-- Julia. |
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canislupis
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Speaker of the Forum
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Age: 13
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Reviews: 341
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| Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 6:07 pm Post subject: |
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Ah... I see. Well, the spacing is much better now.
for some reason when copying and pasting from microsoft word or any other type program, YWS takes out a few of the lines between paragraphs. When you edit, just add a few more lines between pieces of dialogue and paragraphs....
I am quite relieed that this wasn't a werewolf story, as I 've seen quite enough of those already.
Looking over this again now that it is easier to read, you definitely have some talent. You descriptions flow very nicely, and give me a good picture.
Anyway, I have to go now, but please PM me if you want me to critique any of your other work.
See ya!
~lupis |
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Julia J
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 04 Feb 2008
Posts: 19
Reviews: 6
Country: Second star to the right
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 6:30 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks so much Canis ^3^
Bah, unfortunately though I sent you the PM before I re-edited it because I found some tense errors and I just tried to make it flow better :/ But I updated it and should be better.
Thanks again and sure will!
Julia. |
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Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer!
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Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy.
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| Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:12 pm Post subject: |
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| I begged silently for it to awaken.[period] |
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| Just then, a voice within me whispered tauntingly from a recess of my mind.[period, r maybe colon?] Silly, silly Troy.[period] You're already in that net. |
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| Troy, you forget that you are NOBODY and that a somebody has no need for the likes of you. [All caps in writing is discouraged, you could put 'nobody ' in bold or italic to emphasize] |
=P Hmm. I guess this isn't very helpful grammar-wise. You'll just have to be content I read it. ^_^
This is quite nice. It's very powerful and you don't overdo the description of the scene. Also, I liked how the dogs story is implied, as opposed to said outright.
Sadly, I have no suggestions on how to improve it. >.< I thought it was excellent as is. Very nice work. You have a lot of talent. 
^_^ Keek! |
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Julia J
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 04 Feb 2008
Posts: 19
Reviews: 6
Country: Second star to the right
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 11:12 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you so much for the read, suggestions and compliments Valor! <3
I really, really appreciate it ^-^ ! |
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