Topic ID: 25556
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Weatherthestorm
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 Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2008 7:46 am Post subject: Waiting |
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He waits
For life to turn sweet again
And the silent somber shadow
Of Despair sticks to his thoughts,
Which is why
He waits
She hides
Away from his stolid eyes
Always fixed on her,
Always watching,
Which is why
She hides
They dodge
The truth in each other’s eyes
That can release them from the past,
But the pain bleeds their hearts dry,
Which is why
They dodge
He waits
Still to remember
The autumn warmth, the joy in gray winters,
And the sticky lethargy that comes with spring and summer.
It doesn’t come, which is why
He waits
She hides
Her rationale from his ears
So she can prevent his self-destruction
For there was a time when she might have loved him,
Which is why
She hides
He is waiting. She is hiding.
Neither knows the other's
Pain and reasons.
Perhaps their love still runs strong
Which is precisely why,
He is waiting and she is hiding. |
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Last edited by Weatherthestorm on Tue Feb 05, 2008 2:54 am; edited 3 times in total |
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SimonCowellLuver
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| Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2008 11:19 pm Post subject: |
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| I think this is a great poem just my opinion is i like rhyming poetry it makes it flow better. I still like your poem. |
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kokobeans
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| Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 12:01 am Post subject: |
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This is a great poem, very thought provoking. I quite like the repitition of verbs and 'which is why' at the beginning and end of the verses, it slows the pace of the poem and creates a still atmosphere.
The only thing I have to comment on is 'Despair', Is there a reason it has a capital letter? If not I think it would be better without.
Keep up the good work. Kudos. |
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Via
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| Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 2:42 am Post subject: |
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Hi Weather--
I have two great suggestions here that will drastically change your poem in a great way:
1. Use punctuation in more than just the last stanza. Seriously, use it. Even if it's just a period at the end of the stanzas, it needs to be there.
2. Don't say "which is why" before the repeated last/first line in every stanza. I really like the idea of having the first and last line in the stanza be the same, most the time I don't but I think it works here. However, it needs to flow better. Saying "which is why" is not a flow, in fact it break the flow. It needs to be smoother. And definitely don't use the same phrase before the repeated phrase in any two stanzas, they all need to be different.
...I'm not entirely sure if that last part made any sense, but that's best I can put it lol. Let me know if you are completely confused and need some clarity!
Good luck! |
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TickledPink
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| Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 7:06 pm Post subject: |
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This is a really good poem. I like the way its put together,
God job
T |
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Adnamarine
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| Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 9:55 pm Post subject: |
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Hey weather -
I really liked this, but I think that the last stanza detracted from the rest of the poem. It didn't fit and it wasn't as powerful. It was sort of like you were summarizing everything that you already said. I think it really could just be cut out completely.
Though it means disagreeing with Via, who no doubt is more experienced than I, I have to say that I really liked having the 'which is why'. For me, getting rid of them would interrupt the flow, not having them there. They connect the last line with the rest of the stanza. If you got rid of them, you would have one long phrase and then just be repeating the first line. Of course that's just my lowly opinion.
One other thing is that in the second 'He waits' stanza, it just seems a little random all the sudden adding other words to the line of 'which is why'. You don't do it in any other verse and it just seems a little out of place. I didn't really notice it the first time I read it, and I don't think it presents a real problem in any way. Just thought I'd draw your attention to it, in case you wanted to change it.
But again, this is really good.
*adna* |
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lakegirls
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| Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 1:12 am Post subject: |
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Hi,
I liked this poem. Did you know that someone else wrote a poem called waiting as well? Anyways I really liked both.
My favorite line had to be:
| Quote: |
The autumn warmth, the joy in gray winters,
And the sticky lethargy that comes with spring and summer. |
Good imagery! 
-lg* |
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