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Weatherthestorm
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 Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2008 6:54 am Post subject: Rainy Window |
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I can only hear a soft, sifting melody--
I do not hear the rain.
It plays for long and sets me free
To hear the quiet song again.
Dripping leaves are a wond'rous symphony
Like memories that I've lost.
I see a life from long ago
To see these raindrops tossed.
I watch the nostalgia puddles fill
With bittersweet sadness from the air.
And I sit and stare out this rainy window
As if to find my peace out there.
But the wintry breeze pierces my soul
And chills me to the bone.
It is here I feel this solitude take its toll,
When I realize that I'm empty and alone. |
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Last edited by Weatherthestorm on Tue Feb 05, 2008 3:43 am; edited 2 times in total |
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SimonCowellLuver
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| Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 12:04 am Post subject: Re: Rainy Window |
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[quote="Weatherthestorm"]This sift and soft played melody--
I cannot hear the rain.
It plays for long and sets me free
To hear the quiet song again.
Dripping leaves are a [u]cacophony[/u] What is this?
Like memories that I've lost.
I see a life from long ago
When I see these raindrops toss'd. Get rid of the "d"
I watch the nostalgia puddles full
With bittersweet sadness in the air.
And I sit and stare out this rainy window
As if to find my peace out there.
But the wintry breeze pierces my soul
And chills me to the bone,
And it is here I feel this solitude take its toll,
When I realize that I'm empty and alone.[/quote]
You didn't have many errors i did my best to find them. I liked your poem by the way. TTYL Gothgirl01 |
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alleycat13
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| Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 2:04 am Post subject: |
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I really like this poem. The theme of rain speaks to me, and I think you have some good imagery. A couple things though-->
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| This sift and soft played melody |
This confuses me, and, as the first line of your piece, that's bad. What is "sift"? What do you mean by it? I didn't know so I looked it up--http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sift--and 'sift' is a verb, not an adverb. I'd use a different word.
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I cannot hear the rain.
It plays for long and sets me free
To hear the quiet song again |
. This next part is a paradox of sorts because you say "I cannot hear", but then we get "hear the quiet song".It all sounds great, but I don't think I'm getting the meaning you want me to out of that. I'd consider clarifying that portion.
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Dripping leaves are a cacophony
Like memories that I've lost.
I see a life from long ago
When I see these raindrops toss'd |
.This is lovely. Like gothgirl01, though, I don't know what cacophony means. And, I think, because your rhythm isn't perfect throughout, there's no reason to take out the 'e' in 'tossed'. Just leave it in.
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I watch the nostalgia puddles full
With bittersweet sadness in the air. |
When I first read this, I wanted to say "I watch the nostalgia puddles fill with bittersweet sadness..." but then that makes the "in the air" part useless. However, reading it over, I still want to say 'fill'. Oh well.
| Quote: |
And I sit and stare out this rainy window
As if to find my peace out there.
But the wintry breeze pierces my soul
And chills me to the bone,
And it is here I feel this solitude take its toll,
When I realize that I'm empty and alone. |
I like it!
When I read this, I see myself. Seriously. I see the way I wrote just half a year ago. What I used to do, and what you are doing, was putting together these beautiful, lyrical, vague lines that sounded great, but didn't get the meaning out. Like, I can read it and it conveys this intangible feeling, but I can't quite get a meaning out of it. What I did was focus my writing more, hone it to make the intangible tangible, and that's what I think you should do.
So, there's my two-cents. Hope it is helpful. |
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Weatherthestorm
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| Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 2:24 am Post subject: |
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| Thank you so much for reading and I apologize for that horribly rough draft I put out. I made some revisions, from both my initial poem and reader feedback. Thanks for reading. I really appreciate it. |
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A poet must take the thorns so that others may enjoy the roses that have been made red through no act of nature. |
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Cheeky Coconut Smoothy Lo
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| Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 3:11 am Post subject: |
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Aside from wondrous gaining an apostrophe it seems to be better. 
Now time to delve into the depth of this poem...
First thing, it lacks meter and pattern. Rather then saying it clearly with the best words, you decide to play a little game and dance around with nonsensical logic. If you cannot hear the rain, how can you hear the symphony of dripping leaves.
Moving on... It seems as if the meaning of the poem is vague and rather distasteful, but the last line has some hope of pulling a meaning from it, even though it is a logical paradox as to why nature makes you empty and alone, when what you describe (aside from your last piece) should contradict the claim.
For the beauty in which you see how can the outlook be so negative? I'd consider fixing that. |
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Katharsis
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| Posted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 10:59 am Post subject: |
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I think you have a bunch of unnecessary words that just make the poem clunky. There is a bit of a rhythm going, but it could be better with one less syllable here or there. Just read it out loud, and if it becomes too long-winded compared to other lines/verses, then you should adjust it accordingly.
I did somewhat like the mood conveyed in the poem. You've captured an interesting sadness, it's pessimistic without being annoyingly emo. |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 10:22 pm Post subject: |
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I can only hear a soft, sifting melody--
I do not hear the rain.
It plays for long and sets me free
To hear the quiet song again. [Good start, not sure about the last line though. Maybe 'To hear rhythmic beat again' would fit the flow better?]
Dripping leaves are a wond'rous symphony [I'm tempted to suggest 'Dripping leaves cause wondrous (no apostrophe required) symphony' just for the sake of making the line a little shorter.]
Like memories that I've lost.
I see a life from long ago
To see these raindrops tossed. [I don't like the repetition of see but I suppose others might think it a clever literary device reflecting the drip drip of rain...]
I watch the nostalgia puddles fill
With bittersweet sadness from the air. [I'm not sure that 'from the air' fits with what you're trying to say. Perhaps edit the line and use a different word like share? 'With bitter sweet sadness we can share' maybe?]
And I sit and stare out this rainy window
As if to find my peace out there. [I think the imagery could be stronger here but I like the story you're portraying. It's something everyone can relate to which is great.]
But the wintry breeze pierces my soul
And chills me to the bone.
It is here I feel this solitude take its toll,
When I realize that I'm empty and alone. [The rhythm is out here. Maybe -
The wintry breeze has pierced my soul
And chilled (maybe stripped instead?) me to the bone.
This solitude will take its toll
When I realise I'm alone.]
Generally, I didn't think this one as strong as the other but you've ordered your thoughts more precisely and built a very accurate picture. Some more description might benefit this (just the odd word and here so the rhythm isn't lost) and you could improve a few lines but I like it.
My suggestion now is that you try and write something with a less restricting rhythm. It can be even more challenging than structured poems sometimes but you'd be amazed at the imagery that can be included. I'm not saying completely alter your style, just experiment with different forms and you'll find that it helps your poetry in general because you can borrow techniques and mix different structures.
Hope this helps a little,
Heather xx
p.s. Are there any specific pieces of work you'd like me to look at? Ones you feel you need the most help with? |
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