Topic ID: 25485
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Sweeney_Todd
Writer
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Joined: 01 Feb 2008
Posts: 53
Reviews: 42
Country: First star to the right and straight on 'till morning...oh. did you mean for real?...oops...
300 Points
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 Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 5:06 pm Post subject: wow... |
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That was really cool. You have a few small repetitions and typos, but it's not anything that the others haven't already covered. It was sad when they killed Agatha..van...something or other. We didn't really get the time to know her that well. Kel, on the other hand, is by far my favorite of the two characters. And that bit about her 'dying of love' is surprising. it's something that you don't expect to read at the end, and it sort of gives you this 'jolt' as you read it.
I was so SAD, though!!!!! Kel FINALLY realized that loved her and then she DIED. DANG it, man! Oh, well. It was a really good story, though. If you continue it, I'll DEFINIETLY keep reading! XD! |
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ChernobyllyInclined
Senior Writer
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Country: Waiting for one
200 Points
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 5:26 am Post subject: |
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I enjoyed this very much. I tend to grow weary of reading the same story over and over but this was truly unique. It was far from predictable and I could never have guessed the ending.
Both Agatha and Kelly were intriguing and vivid characters, almost making it unnecessary to have an appealing story. But you did both. It can be difficult to keep a character fresh in a more extended narrative but neither of your characters faltered in the least.
I feel like I'm repeating myself...^_^
It was morbid and sweet at the same time. Write more. |
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deafwriter_19
feels bad for beating up his avatar
Novelist
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Country: The Lacrymosa of A Deaf Teenager's Mind
397 Points
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| Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 8:08 pm Post subject: |
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| I liked this story. But the ending struck two different tunes. One was CLICHE and the other was WOW! Interesting...I can't decide which. But I liked how you kept the darkness at bay and then brought it creeping in. I liked this a lot. |
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Perra
Y so srs? >:)
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300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 8:41 pm Post subject: Re: The Party Killers [short story] |
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Aw, Suzi! You nearly made me cry! Although, it's mostly because I read "Bits and Pieces: Agatha" first and got to know her and her mind that way. If I hadn't read "Bits and Pieces" first, this still would have shocked me and left me with "Whoa".
I don't know how much of this critique is in vain, considering I don't know how much of this (if any) you'll be using in your novel. Plus, you posted this story a couple of months ago.
| Suzanne wrote: |
| Her emerald dress was covered in sequins and from afar she looked like a fish. Agatha felt like a fish as she dragged her shoes through puddles. The water was up to her ankles by the time she got to the car. |
Perhaps you could say "Agatha felt like one" instead of repeating "fish"?
| Suzanne wrote: |
| “Please don’t call me that,” the man groaned. He wore a suit with stains only faded from hours of scrubbing. |
Perhaps replace "from" with "despite"? I think that requires a comma, too.
| Suzanne wrote: |
Agatha was shaking as she sat up. She put her hands on the seat to balance herself. The butterfly loosened from her locks and fell to the floor. “But I—” She fainted.
At the hospital the doctors had Kel stay in a small room that smelled like sex. He didn’t dare sit down on the chair they offered, even though it looked clean. There were people screaming in the other rooms. He wondered whether Agatha was screaming, too. At least she’d be awake and screaming. |
You need some sort of break here to signal a change in setting and that some time's past.
| Suzanne wrote: |
| Was she bleeding on [to?] the floor? |
Unless you mean on the floor and bleeding.
People have touched on this before, but you need add a bit more so that how Agatha was killed by love is clearer to the audience. You don't really have to say that it was because she wasn't expecting or wanting love or anything like that, just drop hints that she'd be really shock/taken aback if someone loved her.
Now that that's over, I must ask: how much of this, if any, will be in the novel? Or is that too spoiler-rific?  |
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