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The Wrath of the Createspace Guy: A YWS Fanfic
The Wrath of the Createspace Guy: A YWS Fanfic

by Clo in Scripts
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on February 1, 2008
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 1) Chocolate Bar
The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 2) The Drop of a Pen
The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 3) Space Call
The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 4) On Trial
The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 5) Journal of a Prisoner
The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 6) A Criminal Reunion
The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 7) Needed Information
The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 8) A Powerful Friend
The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter ten) Skipping the Planet

The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 9): One Last Meeting?

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Teh Wozzinator   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 10:36 pm    Post subject: The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 9): One Last Meeting? Reply with quote

If you haven't read this story yet, here's a link to chapter one: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic24783.html. Thanks to all my readers!

Now, begin...

Nine <^> One Last Meeting?

Dante pulled over to the shoulder with a final goodbye to Bill, and watched as the black crossover vehicle that had been following him stopped. It had pulled out in front of him, which would make it hard for the Ferrari to get out. Dante popped the hood, since he would need to open it in a moment anyways, and got out.

Three people stepped out of the crossover vehicle. Two came from the back, and they each held guns. The third stepped out of the passengers seat. The driver stayed in the car.

The third man that had exited—the one from the passengers seat—was Rock. He was almost seven feet tall, and he wore a suit with the sleeves ripped off, which showed his large, tattooed arms. He didn’t have to carry any weapon, as his fists were enough.

Dante couldn’t help but gulp.

“Hello, Dante,” said Rock in his thick, rough voice.

“Hello,” Dante replied, glaring at Rock’s eyes, despite his fear.

“Do you have the stuff?”

“Yeah.”

“Well… you’re late.”

Dante thought that Rock was seeming extremely polite that day, so he continued. “I know, Rock,” he said, “but you know how long it took me to get them in the first place!”

“I said that you’re late!” Rock yelled. “Give me the fricking stuff, now!”

Dante turned towards the car, and he noticed that already, Bill had left. When he pulled open the hood, the umbrella and lawn chair were gone as well. He picked up the box—which now, because of the chocolate, seemed very light—and turned back.

Rock took the box, had the two men open the back door of the crossover, and tossed the box in. Then he turned towards Dante and said, “You’re late; so you’re dead.” Rock started to punch, and Dante saw it all in slow motion. The chocolate was doing its work.

Dante dodged Rock’s fist, and laid a dead-on punch to his gut. Rock flew through the air and slammed into one of his men, who lost consciousness as he hit the back of the vehicle.

Rock screamed and ran towards Dante, and Dante did a huge flip, landing on the other side of Rock. He grabbed Rock’s other henchman and threw him over the vehicle, and turned back to Rock—just in time to dodge a hook punch.

“Just you and me now, Rock,” Dante said, as they circled each other. When Dante had his back towards the Ferrari, he made his move. He faked one way, and watched as Rock started to move. Then Dante swung his left arm up in a deadly uppercut. Rock was knocked backwards into the crossover, unconscious.

Dante got back in his car and drove away, watching through the rearview mirror as the driver got out to help Rock and his men.

As he drove down the road, Dante wished that he had longer hair, so that he could rip some of it out. Now there was no way that Rock would leave him alone. Rock would come back for revenge. And next time, Dante wouldn’t have the chocolate.

There was only one thing for him to do. He’d have to skip the planet. And who could help him do that, but… Brandon. Dante had to find a phone. And he had to hope that Brandon hadn’t left earth yet.

Thanks for reading! Comments and edits, please....


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Last edited by Teh Wozzinator on Tue Feb 19, 2008 11:08 pm; edited 1 time in total
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JabberHut   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 8:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Here we go! ^^

Quote:
Two came from the back, and they each held guns each holding a gun.


Quote:
The third man that had exited—the one from the passengers seat—was Rock.


Duh, you said that a second ago. Razz Can't really forget that. Laughing

Quote:
He was almost seven feet tall, and he wore a suit with the sleeves ripped off, which showed revealing his large, tattooed arms.


Quote:
Dante turned towards the car, and he noticed that already, Bill had left.


Dante turned towards the car and noticed that Bill had already left.

Quote:
He picked up the box—which now, because of the chocolate, seemed very light—and turned back.


I don't think this is necessary. Isn't this his first time eating the chocolate? He wouldn't know what the chocolate specifically does, right? So how would he know that the change in weight/strength is because of the chocolate and not because he's been working out?

Quote:
Rock took the box, had the two men open the back door of the crossover, and tossed the box inside.


Quote:
“You’re late; so you’re dead.”


No so with a semi. Smile

Quote:
Dante dodged Rock’s fist, and laid a dead-on punch to his gut.


Don't like that word when it's in slow motion, especially. Razz

Quote:
Rock screamed and ran towards Dante,[period instead] and Dante did a huge flip, landing on the other side of Rock.


For lack of words? Replace that, make this fighting scene much more kick-butt. Wink

Rock made a battle cry as he charged for Dante. Dante jumped and flipped to Rock's backside.

Quote:
Then Dante swung his left arm up in a deadly uppercut.


I really do hate that word. Mad

Quote:
As he drove down the road, Dante wished that he had longer hair, [no comma] so that he could rip some of it out.


Overall, very good. This is a more exciting chapter, with all the fighting and action shtuff. I just think you could do better describing the blood and guts. That's just me. It's good to get goosebumps when reading action shots like this one here, and I get them easily, but I didn't get any here. A little work, and it'll be good. Smile

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

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