Topic ID: 25403
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keirab
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 01 Feb 2008 Posts: 187 Reviews: 57 Country: somewhere inside your head..*evil, maniacal laughter* 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 10:05 pm Post subject: Alone |
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Alone
She sits alone
in a lonesome chair
waiting, wishing
for someone to appear
for someone to be there
to hold her hand
and sing her songs
and be her friend
but no one comes
so she sits some more
in the darkness and gloom
the only one
in an empty room
and prays for someone
to come for her soon
but no one comes
then finally, she goes to sleep
prays to God her soul to keep
and silently begins to weep
into the darkness of the room
the bottomless pit of dark and gloom
and sobs for someone to save her
from her doom
but no one comes
frantically, she reaches out
hand outstretched
grasping for an arm, a hand
a heart, to save her from the dark
she finds one
rises from her chair
out of the darkness, the deep despair
guided into the light by a helping hand
a loving heart
been there all the time
waiting outside the door
no one comes,
but she goes
[b]Please leave a comment! Thanks! |
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Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 12 Jan 2006 Posts: 940 Reviews: 207 Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy. 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 10:48 pm Post subject: |
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so she sits some more
in the darkness and gloom
the only one
in an empty room |
I loved this part especially. =P
Ok, critique.
1) Are poems suposed to be punctuated? I only ask because I think there's supposed to be more capitals, be it at the beginning of each line or the beginning of each stanza (That's what a paragraph is in a poem, right? *hasn't done poetry in a while*). Not sure though, but I think there should be more than there are.
2)...Ok! Just one then. =P
I liked it. A lot, actually. I liked the whole theme and I adore rhyme so it won me over. ^_^ Good work! (Hopefully you'll get some more helpful crits =P)
^_^ Keek! |
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keirab
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 01 Feb 2008 Posts: 187 Reviews: 57 Country: somewhere inside your head..*evil, maniacal laughter* 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 11:01 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks!  |
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NightsDreamer2277
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 02 Jan 2008 Posts: 61 Reviews: 34 Country: USA 261 Points
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Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 1:08 am Post subject: |
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| I like this poem alot. It gives you the perfect image and reminds us of the days when we've been alone. Good job! |
_________________ "When you need a stress relief, simply count to twenty. If you get to twenty and your still mad, go to a hundred. If you are mad after that, then go find some anger management, because we seriously have just wasted two minutes."-- Jazz |
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 13 Dec 2006 Posts: 1882 Reviews: 747 Country: Where the wild things are. 387 Points
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Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 5:57 am Post subject: |
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| Please leave a comment! Thanks! |
We're all here to do just that, so there's no need to beg for critiques.
The poem feels like the same-old, same-old. It's the cliche story about loneliness and despair, and you know what? Reading the same-old poem doesn't appeal to readers. Why should you repeat something boring, something that's been done before, when you can tell us something unique and genuine? Draw on your own experiences, use things you've seen or emotions you've experienced. Don't borrow phrases from the work of other teen-angst poets. Make up your own! Use words in unexpected ways. Create a metaphor or image to tie the piece together. Focus more on description and imagery than on abstract emotions.
-Colleen |
_________________ "My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..." |
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Louisa Clack
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 02 Feb 2008 Posts: 21 Reviews: 12 Country: England 300 Points
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Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 11:17 pm Post subject: Awwh |
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Awwh this is a sad song =( But still good =) What sorta style is it?
Like it, but might b a bit mainstream, shake it up with some new words. I like songs that have one particular line that sticks into your brain =)
Try and achieve that
Good luck =D
x |
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Cheeky Coconut Smoothy Lo
Junior Writer


Age: 13 Joined: 02 Feb 2008 Posts: 35 Reviews: 28
300 Points
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Posted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 2:31 am Post subject: |
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Meter does not follow, but your best piece is:
"so she sits some more
in the darkness and gloom
the only one
in an empty room
and prays for someone
to come for her soon
but no one comes"
drop the 'so' (if you go with my stand alone point (see below)
if you drop 'the' in the 2nd line
and add 'ever' before 'the only one'
drop 'soon' after 'her'
you'd have a meter piece that holds together a bit sounder. Also it would follow with your double o 2nd line form.
That piece alone would be a GOOD poem itself, you had the best work there and the rest kinda pales in comparison. The piece as a whole seems to drag on the beauty and simplicity you want to match the theme of 'Alone' and you clearly have made your point in just six beautifully crafted, flowing and patterned lines. |
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melkor
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 15 Feb 2008 Posts: 149 Reviews: 11 Country: Northern.Ireland 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 3:53 pm Post subject: |
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While this is a mark fo your skill i don't think it is that original.
Perhaps if you used the same level of description but used a different idea? |
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Seraphim
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 16 Reviews: 6 Country: US 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Mar 09, 2008 4:51 am Post subject: |
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| This is really good but like Cade said try to make the expirences in the poems a little more personal so it will hook your readers |
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darkdove
Senior Writer
 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 22 Sep 2007 Posts: 190 Reviews: 57
300 Points
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Posted: Sun Mar 09, 2008 5:12 am Post subject: |
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I like this poem.
Its really good and I don't think it needs any work. Keep Writing! |
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Jasmine Hart
Laced With Darkness Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 03 Jun 2007 Posts: 786 Reviews: 318 Country: Ireland 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Mar 09, 2008 11:36 am Post subject: |
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The flow here is very good, but, as has been said, punctuation would be good. If you're unsure as to how to go about this, try saying it aloud, and you should get a sense of where commas and full stops should go. Soem parts of this sound very musical, which is nice;
"She sits alone
in a lonesome chair
waiting, wishing
for someone to appear."
"to come for her soon." I think this line is too long for the rhythm. Myabe try;
"To find her soon".Or "to visit/enter soon"
I'd change:
"into the darkness of the room "
to "in the dark room" as I think it flows better.
I think your rhythm is a bit off in the final stanza. Maybe try;
"frantically, she reaches out
hand outstretched
and heart half-out
grasping for
a hand to save
her from her dark
and early grave.
she finds one,
rises from her chair,
out of the darkness'
the deep despair
guided [u]into the light[/u] by
a helping hand
a loving heart
who, it seems, planned
to stand forever by her door
been there all the time
waiting outside the door
until at last she did deplore
someone to come lead her out
into the light.
no one comes,
but she goes." (note; I'm thinking as I type here, I'm just trying to give you an idea of what I think would work. Try playing with this yourself, and see what you can come up with, and keep reading it aloud.)
Hope this helps.
Jas |
_________________ "How poetic you are,' she said, "I have a notion that poetry is the highest form of self-deception." - Gregory Maguire |
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coryab222
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 21 Mar 2008 Posts: 70 Reviews: 41 Country: USA 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 1:36 am Post subject: |
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I'm not sure I really understood it. What you were trying to say was not all that clear. Was there someone to help her? Was there "someone" to help her? (By that I mean was it a metaphor or more symbolic of something else) Did she help herself? Did anyone even come?
Ah! As you can see, it leaves the reader with a lot of questions. I loved the whole poem up to the very end. That is where the questions arise.
I would try to make the message and ending a little more clear.
Good job on everything else, though! |
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GamesEnd
Writer

Age: 24 Joined: 24 Mar 2008 Posts: 91 Reviews: 10
300 Points
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Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 5:52 am Post subject: |
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| i think this was good and it definitely reminded me of myself at time because being alone is one of my biggest fears but i think this is a little cut and dry by the book. i dont feel that punuation is necessary because the line breaks say every thing. keep up the good work though i do wanna see more. |
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Writer27
Novice
 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 25 Mar 2008 Posts: 14 Reviews: 7 Country: USA 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 3:37 am Post subject: |
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| I like it, it is orginal!! : Hopefully you post more. |
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melkor
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 15 Feb 2008 Posts: 149 Reviews: 11 Country: Northern.Ireland 300 Points
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Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 1:13 pm Post subject: |
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Yes this is quite pretty poem.
It makes me sad though, I know too many people like that,
we all fear being old and alone, don't we?
Just don't post anymore heart touching poems girl, or else I'll have to tear your heart out.
kay?
Sorry about the previous comment, it kinda sucked.
But now I'm back for revenge, and good reviews.
later my keira! |
_________________
"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it. "
"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes."
~Douglas Adams |
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