Topic ID: 25325
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souldier
Junior Writer
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 Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 7:30 pm Post subject: My Mime |
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Any tips to improve this would be appreciated.
My Mime
Fierce anger consumes my mind
as I think of the time you abused my mime.
How could you treat him like an animal
when he's a harmless actor in this cruel, cruel world?
You tripped him and then you stole his black beret.
You dowsed his shirt in red Kool-Aid.
I'll never forgive you for what you did at that time.
When you thought it'd be funny to hurt my mime. |
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Via
Ἀθηνᾶ
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| Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 10:48 pm Post subject: |
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Hi souldier--
Well, this is kind of awkward. I severely missing the point if there is one, why should we care about someone abusing a mime? And why a mime? What does this symbolize?
Also it's very storylike. If you were to delete all the returns and put all the sentences (full sentences, by the way) in a row to make it a paragraph rather than a lined poem, it would make just as much sense as it does now. Try doing some similies and metaphors and choose your words carefully. But, it definitely needs a statement :]
Good luck! |
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souldier
Junior Writer
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Age: 19
Joined: 10 Oct 2007
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| Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 11:24 pm Post subject: |
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The mime is supposed to represent a person who is different. I'm trying to show how harshly some people can react to something different and that people need to realize that someone who's different still has feelings. I'm not sure if I captured my meaning very well.
I also agree that it's very story like. I don't write poetry very often so I need to work on that. I will think of a different way to do this and I will try again. But I want to keep it kind of wacky too. |
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kokobeans
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| Posted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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I enjoyed this. The meaning is a bit hard to grasp, but it makes sense. I think it would help to make it longer, maybe add in a few other people apart from a mime. I also quite the way you've referred to him as 'my mime', it adds an odd kind of innocence to the poem.
Keep up the good work. Kudos. |
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keirab
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| Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 1:26 am Post subject: |
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| I really liked this poem! I had some questions at first about what it was supposed to mean but when you explained it in your post it all made sense. I also like the comparison to a mime. |
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Fall_Into_The_Sky
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| Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 5:28 am Post subject: |
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I very much enjoyed this
Keep writing poetry
I got the basis of the poem |
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