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Tears
Tears

by gamechanger10 in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on January 30, 2008
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Of the Lands of Ray and Hammer, Segment 1
Of the Lands of Ray and Hammer, Segment 2
Of the Lands of Ray and Hammer, Segment 4
Of the Lands of Ray and Hammer, Segment 5
Of the Lands of Ray and Hammer, Segment 6
Of the Lands of Ray and Hammer, Segment 7
Of the Lands of Ray and Hammer, Segment 8
Of the Lands of Ray and Hammer, Segment 9

Of the Lands of Ray and Hammer, Segment 3

Topic ID: 25321
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Whisper91   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 6:30 pm    Post subject: Of the Lands of Ray and Hammer, Segment 3 Reply with quote

Of the Lands of Ray and Hammer, Segment 3, "Urchin":

As the day's tasks came to a close, Lydighet departed from the Usikkers. Pamaus insisted that Lydighet stay for the evening meal. Lydighet declined. The Trassigs had asked him for a favor before they left. After scouring their home for anything he had left about, secretly counting all of the Usikker children, he departed. He never mentioned that the Trassigs presumed that one of the Usikker children had stolen something from their barn. Soon he would find for himself the troubler of the Trassig's possessions. Tonight would be the night.

Ere an hour passed, Lydighet reached the Trassig's farmhouse. By village standards, they lived on a vast estate of fifteen acres. They were grain and vegetable farmers, but Barsk had also established a successful business in metalworking. Most of this work, he carried out in his barn. The building was completely devoted to the storage of innumerable tools, mechanical devices, and metalwork materials.

Once inside the barn, Lydighet forged his way through the building. On the ground level, he came upon some shelves holding hammerheads, nails, saw blades, and other practical metal implements. Many of these shelves were cracked or disheveled. Barsk had probably left them the way he found them. Lydighet would do the same. Arousing suspicion in the culprit would just make the thief more careful. Before settling down to wait out the criminal, Lydighet searched the next two storeys. He found nothing to give away a recent theft. Picking a concealed spot behind some crates and a huge spool of barbed wire, he began his vigil.

Sleep nearly claimed the watcher when a creaking floorboard startled him. He clasped his staff tightly, readying himself for a confrontation. A stream of light peeked through several cracks in the floor. Pushing aside the floorboards, a pair of hands emerged. A body rose from the depths of the hole, seeming to scan the area, and then disappeared once again. The figure returned with an empty sack and a torch. Moving quickly to the shelves, it nabbed at a few items. Securing a hammer and some nails, the figure fumbled with a knife, dropping it. Lydighet used this moment. Stealthily gliding across the floor, Lydighet rapped the back of the intruder's torch hand with his staff. The fiery stick sputtered as it hit the floor. Again Lydighet swung the staff, swiping the startled figure's feet out from under him. The culprit snatched at the dropped knife, but Lydighet sent it skittering away with the tip of his staff. As he snatched up the torch, reviving it, Lydighet looked down on the stunned person's face. It was a lad.

“Who are you?” asked Lydighet.

No answer.

Lifting by collar, Lydighet spoke down the lad's neck, “I said, 'Who are you?' Answer me, boy!”

“Don't hurt me! I didn't mean to cause no trouble,” the adolescent said, whimpering somewhat, “I'm just trying to stay alive.”

Lydighet loosened his grip, “You talked. Good. That's getting somewhere.”

Lydighet released the culprit, shoving him to the ground and taking a seat on a barrel. He crooked the staff in his arm and held the torch out to get a better look the stranger's face.

Lydighet started, “Well, son, what's your name?”

With honesty and frankness, “Um, I don't actually know.”

“You don't know? Everyone's got a name,” he looked at the fire and back to the boy, “Tell me your name.”

“I'm telling you I don't know,” spoke the boy flatly, eyes staring right back at Lydighet.

“Well, I'll tell you this, son, you can come to my place, get warm by the fire, and then we can have a little talk. My place's not far.”

Lydighet got up, plucking his staff from the crook of his left arm, and stopped, “Oh. . . I forgot. Try not to fall too far behind. I've heard of some nasty, old men with clubs run 'round these parts.”

With that, Lydighet started out of the metalworks building without a single glance back. The youth was quick to follow.

Lydighet smiled, The squirt looks like a buck caught between two hungry foresters.

If you enjoyed this, check out Of the Lands of Ray and Hammer, Segment 1 (Topic 25233)!


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Motive, according to & through Triple G, determines value.

Isaac Mullins Copyright © 2008


Last edited by Whisper91 on Fri Feb 01, 2008 5:06 pm; edited 3 times in total
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kokobeans   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 4:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You have quite a sophisticated style of writing, it's very unique. An idea might be to add in a link to the previous part, which would encourage more people to read the full story.

Although this is a really good piece, there's a few things which need thinking through.

First is your sentence structure. Mainly near the beginning you use a lot of short sentences, which although sometimes this can have a good effect, if used to often it slows the pace of the story down too much.

You've said 'roughly fifteen acres' (2.2) and 'Perhaps an hour passed' (4.1), words like these make the author seem unsure on what they're actually trying to say. Maybe you could substitute for something along the lines of just 'fifteen acres' or have the main character glance at his watch. Your writing is quite smart, so a few technicalities would probably blend in.

'Some shelves containing hammerheads' (3.1) Are there boxes containing hammerheads? I might be wrong here, but 'containing' usually means one thing is inside another, so this doesn't really work.

Story / stories - tale, fable
Storey - level, floor

Don't be afraid to overuse words like 'he' or 'it'. So long at they're not at the beginning of sentences or clauses they should just vanish into the text.
'Before he was startled by the creak of a floorboard. Lydighet clasped his staff tightly,' you don't need to repeat the name here because the person being writen about hasn't changed.
You've also used many words to describe the thief, including 'boy' and 'young man', which refere to slightly different age groups, and with the constant changing of words such as 'figure', 'character', 'intruder', it's hard to understand what to make of this person. You could also try giving him a temporary identity by choosing just one of these to refere to him.

I know this is a long crit, it's mostly just some basics. You've got a great and unique style, so keep up the good work. Kudos.

And welcome to YWS!
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