Topic ID: 2521
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Dargquon Ql'deleodna
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 Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 2:24 am Post subject: rain, wind, fire |
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Rain, Wind, and Fire
Rain
Falling silently
Crack of thunder
Blinding flashes of light
Rain
Wind
Colorless wind
Blowing leaves everywhere
Disrupting the silence of midnight
Unstoppable
Burning bright
A burning warm sensation
Tongues of fire licking hungrily
Consuming all in its large wake of flames
Mass destruction
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Incandescence
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| Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 2:32 am Post subject: |
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| Kind of air-headed and elementary. There is a certain technique you were striving for; however, you did not pull it off, properly. What you were aiming for, I think, can be said to be like Dickinson's elipsis usage, where you start a sentence and jam it with imagery, and leave the reader to form his or her own conclusions about the meaning. This did not happen. This became a literal translation of each event, as they occur. While you had some good images, you essentially became a fractal of cliche. |
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Last edited by Incandescence on Sun Apr 24, 2005 2:40 am; edited 1 time in total |
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hekategirl
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| Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 2:36 am Post subject: |
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I agree with Brad when he says you had good imagry but they fell into cliche. But I do like this poem. Work on the flow though, this seemed very choppy to me.
"Tongues of fire licking hungrily
Consuming all in its large wake of flames"
I love these lines, if you revise this keep these  |
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Dargquon Ql'deleodna
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| Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 2:46 am Post subject: |
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| fyi: no offense taken, i am always open to comments. i dont consider my writing skills that great so i try to c what people say i ned to improve on and i try to improve on it. thanks for the crit 8-[ |
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emotion_less
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| Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 2:51 am Post subject: |
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| For "Wind," I don't think you should put "wind" again in the stanza, since you are describing it. It is like explaining what a words mean and using the word in the explanation. |
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