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Shadow_Theif13
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 Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 12:19 am Post subject: Hidden Secrets: prologue |
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Hidden Secrets
Prologue
Lightning flashed, escorted by the sound of an army's horses beating across the barren landscape.
Even as the heavy rain mixed with their sweat, the army rode on toward the large silver gates looming ahead.
At last the riders reached the gates. The troops leader, dressed in black armor with a helmet covering his face, arms reaching out to the moon, cried in a deep voice,
"Father, we have returned with the child! Now open the gates and let us enter into our humble abode!"
The gates then swung open and the army strode forward.
Then most of the army kept riding, but five soldiers stayed behind.
The five soldiers then gave their horses to some stable boys and walked toward a menacing looking castle.
A man who looked like he was twenty, but much older perhaps with his shocking white hair, approached them.
"Darkhalm, dear child, you said you kidnapped the girl, so where is she?" asked the man.
"She is in Hurricane's care father, do not worry." said the night who wore black armor.
"I'm not worried, I am overjoyed at the fact that you succeeded in snatching the girl."
"Yeah right, dad. Hurricane, hand Master Infearno here the baby so we can get some rest." said Phoenix, wearing some red armor, impatiently waiting to get inside the warm castle.
“Shut up little bro, you’re not the boss of us.” said Cobra, in green armor, “ But do it anyways Hurricane.”
“See you Uncle.” Stated Hurricane, who was wearing silver robes was actually a doctor, and gave the infant to the man and left with the others, but Iceburg, the knight wearing light blue mail, stayed behind.
"Iceburg, I'm guessing you grabbed the boy as well?" said Master Infearno.
"Yes. Luckily, he likes the cold like me, so he fell asleep the moment I touched him."
"Good, I'll take these two to the Academy for care, and then train them when they are older."
“Wait! Uncle, why not I take care of Samerson, he’s bound to wake up and notify the others that we took him without the others.”
Infearno’s face turned solemn. Looking down at the two cradled children in his arms he said,
“You’re right, take Samerson and I’ll have Darkhalm look after Crissiphone.”
“Very well. But what will you do? You can’t possibly go back to Sonoric.”
“I can and I will Iceburg. Ianne and Kozrah will surely think I’m dead like the Ianne’s parents if I’m gone to long.”
With that said, Infearno turned and left with Crissiphone, leaving Iceburg in the rain.
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To Be Continued... |
Last edited by Shadow_Theif13 on Mon Jan 28, 2008 10:26 pm; edited 9 times in total |
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smorgishborg
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| Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 12:43 am Post subject: |
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You're really not going to get feedback on this I'm afraid. Before anyone is going to really seriously review this, you need to reformat and proofread this. You need spaces between words, apostrophes in contractions, quotes around thoughts and general grammar fixing.
And plot-wise what is this? I'm baffled, there is little to no plot-arc, no characterization. The different parts seem like excerpts, they don't fit together at all. Often people on this website do post stories to be continued, but you do have to give us a little more then this to hook us to the next episode. |
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Teh Wozzinator
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| Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 12:52 am Post subject: |
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Um, I'm not even going to edit this right now, because it was way too hard to read.... Your grammar is terrible. You need quotation marks, something to set off thoughts, commas, capitalization at the beginning of sentences, apostrophes, numbers need to be changed into words, and a few more things need a lot of work too. Especially commas.... And quotation marks! This was really hard to read because of how fast and confusing it was without punctuation.
There's too much in here to go through and show you what needs edited, you just need a punctuation lesson. (Sorry, but it's true....) I would suggest that you find out what grammar to use before you write more, and edit this.
Sorry I have to be negative, but I can't really comment on the actual story because it didn't make sense! It was like, "Huh?" (There's an example on how to use quotation marks....) What happened in that paragraph?
I don't know how good your story is because it was too hard to read, so the plot could be great. Edit into correct grammar and then send me a message (a YWS email, look up in the top right corner on the toolbar for "messages"). I'll give you a good review then.
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Teh Wozzinator
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| Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 12:54 am Post subject: |
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| smorgishborg wrote: |
You're really not going to get feedback on this I'm afraid. Before anyone is going to really seriously review this, you need to reformat and proofread this. You need spaces between words, apostrophes in contractions, quotes around thoughts and general grammar fixing.
And plot-wise what is this? I'm baffled, there is little to no plot-arc, no characterization. The different parts seem like excerpts, they don't fit together at all. Often people on this website do post stories to be continued, but you do have to give us a little more then this to hook us to the next episode. |
well, he got here in front of me, and I didn't see his post till after i'd posted, but I pretty much confirmed what he said.... |
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Kepe
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| Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 1:04 am Post subject: |
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Okay, so I read it and just tried to add in the punctuation. The story is really stiff feeling.
You said, "Class, today we have the honor to say that Mr. Ankoism is no longer going to be part of our level and class.” Announced Ms. Coltbin."
see that sentence just doesn't feel natural, or flow naturally. Unfortunately there are too many sentence like that one, so I am not going to point them all out to you.
It seems like the whole story is dialog. I felt lost reading your story because I knew nothing of the people or places.
You also said a lot of unnecessary things like, "Mom and Dad are planning to talk about you over dinner with Mortix and Nali. If they don’t tell Ereick should I?” asked Ethan, Ereick’s big brother."
leaving things out like, "Eerick's big brother" will make your story sound more believable and less cheesy.
All in all I was very lost with the characters. The beginning character is really sad, and then we move on to a normal character without any sense of their connection. This needs a lot of work before it can be properly reviewed. |
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Sleeping Valor
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| Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 1:39 am Post subject: |
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Welcome to YWS. ^_^ Hope this review helps! You should introduce yourself in the Welcome forum, if you haven't already.
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The war ended 5 years ago, so why am I not happy?[Italics are generally used to distinguish thought from narrative  ] Wondered Ianne as she combed her short blond hair in front of the mirror.
"Because we lost our daughter to the Unknowns," echoed a voice inside her head. It was Kozrah,[comma] her husband.
[Is she talking out loud? If so, you need to tell us with "these"]"Dear Ive been thinking
should we tell Ereick about Crissiphone.[period] Im[delete m?] mean,[comma or double dash> --] Ethan might tell him if we don't.[apostrophe on the don't and period to end sentence]
"Ianne [space!]
why don't[apostrophe again] we bring up the matter at dinner with Nali and Mortix? We would be able to rack up a plan then with their help."[close quotes]
"Alright
whens dinner?" {quotes!}
"Sigh,[comma]
you're[apostrophe] always hungry. Eight o'clock." [quotes again] |
Ok, I only did a grammar review on the first part. Guess why? =P That's right, you weren't paying attention and left out some spaces, apostrophe's on condensed words (if that's what you call them in english >_>), and forgot to open and close your quotes when people are talking! This doesn't mean your story is bad, it just means your formatting is making it hard for people to understand what you mean.
But I got the gist of it, or at least the first two parts. =P
I'd suggest you add some tags to your dialog, since that is most of what you have here (a tag is: "Hi," she said.). Also, you bring us to different places. Try describing them to us! Where are these people, what do they look like, how do they sound when they are talking and how are the people around them reacting? This will help readers see the world you are seeing.
But before that, fix those grammar issues in the text so you'll get some more constructive reviews.
Good luck! Don't be discouraged, everybody makes a few mistakes when we're excited.  When you've fixed up those things you can always PM me for another review.
^_^ Keek! |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 8:48 pm Post subject: |
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Hi there! I think this could be an interesting beginning with some work but you need to add more description and characterization. Some of your sentences sound a little fragmented and don't quite follow on from others. Here's a few suggestions -
Lightning flashed, the sound of an army's horses beating across the barren landscape. [Maybe change this to 'Lightning flashed, accompanied by the sound of an army's horses beating their way across the barren landscape' so that it reads more smoothly but generally, it's a nice sentence.]
Even with the heavy rain mixing with the armies sweat they did not stop riding toward the large silver gates looming ahead. [I'd suggest 'Even as the heavy rain mixed with their sweat, the army rode on towards the large silver gates looming ahead.']
At last the riders reached the gates. The troop's leader, dressed in black armor and his with a helmet covering his face, arms reaching out to the moon, cried in a deep voice,
"Father, we have returned with the child! Now open the gates and let us enter into our humble abode!"
Suddenly the gates swung open and the army strode forward. [I don't think there's a need for 'suddenly' in this sentence. It doesn't add any suspense so maybe delete it?]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Why the separation? The parts appear to be directly linked so there's no need.]
The army split into groups going separate ways, leaving five soldiers behind. [Might be better as 'The bulk of the army rode on but left five soldiers behind.' and then you could start the next sentence with 'These remaining five then gave...']
The five soldiers then gave their horses to some stable boys and walked toward a menacing, looking castle. [No need for a comma between menacing and looking.] The knights each had different colors of armor on. There was the black, and a red, a light blue, a forest green, and one wearing silver robes. [Try to avoid writing out lists like this. Maybe add the colours of their armour/robes in as you describe them after each line of speech?]
A man who looked like he was 20, [Write it out as twenty.] but much older perhaps with his shocking white hair, approached them.
"Darkhalm, dear child, you said you kidnapped the girl, so where is she?" said [Perhaps asked instead of said?] the one who Darkhalm had called father.
"She is in Hurricane's care father, do not worry."[There's no need for 'the one Darkhalm had called father' if they address him as such here so maybe exchange that for a brief description of his stature and features.]
"I'm not worried, I am overjoyed at the fact that you succeeded in snatching the girl."
"Yeah right, dad. Hurricane, hand Master Infearno here the baby so we can get some rest." said Phoenix, he wore the red armor. [Use a comma after rest rather than a full stop and perhaps 'said Phoenix, his red armour creaking loudly as he shuffled from side to side, trying to stay warm' or something along those lines to add a bit more personality.]
Hurricane, who was wearing the robes was actually a doctor, and gave the infant to the man and left with the others, but Iceburg, the knight wearing light blue mail, stayed behind.
"Iceburg, I'm guessing you grabbed the boy as well?" said Master Infearno.
"Yes. Luckily, he likes the cold like me, so he fell asleep the moment I touched him."
"Good, I'll take these two to the Academy for care, and then train them when they are older."
__________________________________________
Overall, I think you have a good foundation for a story here and I can see a potential for the plot but add to it more. Maybe extend it to include a hint about who the boy and grl are and why the knights want them. Hope this helps a little,
Heather xx |
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Shadow_Theif13
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| Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 9:06 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks guys you've all been a great help. I'll get to work on fixing as soon as possible. 
Thanks again,
ST |
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| Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 9:24 pm Post subject: |
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Hey!
Um, I don't know what the others are talking about, you seem to have done a lot of editing between now and then.
You start off really well, but I'm afraid it deterioates (sp?) as you go on. Not into badness (Agh! I'm so ineloquent) as such, but just... read it to yourself. Break up your sentences.
And: A man who looked like he was 20, but much older perhaps with his shocking white hair, approached them Don't ever use numerals instead of words. And try not to use definite age, say like "The man's face and body were those of a young man, contrasting with his shocking white hair" or something. Come on darling, description! |
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| Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 9:50 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
Lightning flashed, the sound of an[you could say 'the' army, since you are talking about a specific one] army's horses beating across the barren landscape.
Even with the heavy rain mixing with the army's[apostrophe and 'y'] sweat,[comma methinks] they did not stop riding toward the large silver gates looming ahead. [This sentence is good, but you might want to say that the gates are father way than that, because if they're just ahead it makes perfect sense that they keep riding since they'll be home soon. You could also try 'The heacy rain mixed with the army's sweat as they rode toward the large silver gates...']
At last the riders reached the gates.[Maybe tell us about how long they have been traveling, that way at last makes more sense, since for readers it's only been a sentence] The troops leader, dressed in black armor and his helmet covering his face, arms reaching out to the moon, cried in a deep voice:[colon] [Dunno about all the comma's in this. I'm not good with complexe grammar. =P Maybe you could simplify it by saying 'the troop's leader...face, reached his arms out to the moon and cried in a deep voice:']
"Father, we have returned with the child! Now open the gates and let us enter into our humble abode!"
Suddenly the gates swung open and the army strode forward. [No need to say suddenly, since the readers would be expecting the gates to open it's not sudden. Maybe instead describe the sound or the way it opens?]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [You don't actually need this here. You could say 'Once the army had entered..' or some linking phrase like that, since the two scenes seem very soon one after the other]
The army split into groups going separate ways, leaving five soldiers behind.
The five soldiers then gave [I think 'then gave' would make more sense if the soldiers in question had done something first, since then suggests there was an action preceding the one mentioned] their horses to some stable boys and walked toward a menacing,[no comma] looking castle. The knights [=P You were calling them soldiers before, make sure to be consistent]each had different colors of armor on. There was the black, and a red, a light blue, a forest green, and one wearing silver robes. ['a red', 'a blue'. Be careful, these are adjectives and if you are going to list them like this we need to know what the noun is, even if reader's aren't so stupid they can't figure out you're talking about their armor. ex: 'The knights wore black, red, light blue...etc.' <But don't us that since you just said in the sentence before they were wearing colours so that sentence is redundant unless you took away the one before =P]
A man who looked like he was 20, but much older perhaps with his shocking white hair, approached them. [Are they inside yet? What does it look like? Dark and spooky? Lots of gold? What's the man wearing?]
"Darkhalm, dear child, you said you kidnapped the girl, so where is she?" said the one who Darkhalm, the knight in black armor,[<some readers aren't going to be sharp enough to realize this is who the knight in black is, so you must tell them so they can make the connection. =P Readers don't like to have to think] had called father.
"She is in Hurricane's care father, do not worry," Darkhalm assured him. <Tags! It's no so bad, it looks like you used them everywhere else. ^_^
"I'm not worried, I am overjoyed at the fact that you succeeded in snatching the girl."
"Yeah right, dad.[ack! I did this in my other story. Avoid current slang. In knight times he'd have said 'I doubt that, father' or somefing] Hurricane, hand Master Infearno here the baby so we can get some rest,[comma]" said Phoenix, he wore the red armor.
Hurricane, who was wearing the robes,[comma] was actually a doctor.[period] and He gave the infant to the man and left with the others, but Iceburg, the knight wearing light blue mail, stayed behind.
"Iceburg, I'm guessing you grabbed the boy as well?" said Master Infearno.
"Yes. Luckily, he likes the cold like me, so he fell asleep the moment I touched him."
"Good, I'll take these two to the Academy for care, and then train them when they are older."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To Be Continued...
Notice: the reason why Ice burg didn't give Infearno the boy infront of the others is because Infearno planned it without the a.o.k from the others. [Don't tell readers that! It's better if they hve to learn it from reading. =P] |
^_^ Good news! You've greatly improved since your first version. You added detail and tags and your grammar was a lot better (I'm not even sure I saw any spelling mistakes =P).
My only suggestion at the moment...ok, make that 2.
a) Add more detail. You've got a lot, but you can always tell us more. 'They continued towards the gate, glad to nearly be done their task.' 'The castle was lit by many torches, casting jumping shadows on the walls'. That kind of stuff.
b) Names. You start of by being vague and calling them 'knights', then giving them colors, then we even discover 2 (or all?) of them are sons of the man...who is at first introduced vaguely but suddenly given a name (Master Infearno). This will confuse readers unless you tell them. Or show them. 'The knights bowed as he aproached, humbling themselves before their father' or "Welcome back my sons." Or something like that. It's not so bad with the first two sons, who we figure out are his, but then we sit wondering if the other knights are also his sons or just random. Try letting us know them more, maybe have them stand around talking before their father arrives (that way we can get to know who they are and what they're like)
This is great work. You've made a huge improvement and the plot is definitely looking more interesting (now I'm all curious about these abductees!). Keep it up!
^_^ Keek!
(P.S. If you find yourself getting bored or frustrated with working to improve this part, don't be afraid to move on and come back to improve it later. *does it all the time*) |
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Sleeping Valor
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| Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 10:44 pm Post subject: |
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=P I won't do another inch by inch commentary, because I don't really see any new issues that I didn't address in my last one. I'd still add more detail, like where did the rest of the army ride to? Little things like that.
Ask yourself these questions
a) Do the readers know who this character is?
b) Do the readers know where this character is? (If you haven't said, then they don't know. The last place you mentioned the character to be should be considered as their current location)
c) What is the character doing?
d) How is the character feeling (expression, stance, etc)
e) What is the character seeing, smelling, hearing, feeling, and tasting? (When applicable)
As before, you've improved again. Good work! Remember your tags though. (And methinks you need to tell the readers the dad/uncle is Master Infearno. I don't think you did which might confuse them--that or I missed it in the text =P)
^_^ Keek! |
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maiko_koto
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| Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 12:50 am Post subject: |
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| Hmmm, seems like you must have made corrections since the first time, cause i don't really see all those grammar errors they were talking about...........I think you need to post a little more before I can critique it, but so far it seems pretty good. Try and describe a little more of the setting and add more to this. Right now there isn't much plot, but it might be a really good story in the future, right now I just don't know. |
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lakegirls
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| Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 7:26 pm Post subject: |
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Hi,
This wasn't really my type of story, but you had nice dialogue in it. I think it was a bit too choppy though, going from character to character, there was a lot going on and it confused me a bit, but that could only be me.
Keep Up The Good Work |
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kittykat
la lalala la...
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| Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 1:42 am Post subject: |
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*stumbles down to reply box*
ha, um well... finally remember to go to other fiction to read your story. sorry! 
Okay! This was that great, the beginning was okay, but then you added so many characters at once I got confused. The fact that you put said whoever at the end of sentances helped a bit, but I didn't like how you did that either.
I'm not really sure of how I should critique this since I could barely understand this. Overall, it was... okay. |
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KJ
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| Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 1:56 am Post subject: |
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Hey. I was just wondering, since you used that name Crissiphone before, is this the same story as that Mount Olympus one? Or are you starting a new story and just using the name again?
I'm not going to bother pointing out the grammar and punctuation errors since everyone else has that covered. It does need some revisions, though.
Again, great imagination. The plot looks like it could be good. I wasn't given enough to really decide that, though. Keep writing. |
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