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by lilymoore in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on January 27, 2008
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 1) Chocolate Bar
The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 2) The Drop of a Pen
The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 3) Space Call
The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 4) On Trial
The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 5) Journal of a Prisoner
The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 6) A Criminal Reunion
The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 8) A Powerful Friend
The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 9): One Last Meeting?
The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter ten) Skipping the Planet

The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 7) Needed Information

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Teh Wozzinator   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 9:22 pm    Post subject: The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 7) Needed Information Reply with quote

Hey, thanks for continuing my story! (unless you're just hopping on from right here, in which case I suggest you go and find "The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 1) A Chocolate Bar") Okay, I'll get right to the point this time...begin!

Seven <^> Needed Information

“So,” Dante said as they cruised down the road, “your mom adopted me?” Dante was planning on taking the same route he had been taking before, up into Kansas… at least until his brother told him to go somewhere else.

“Yeah, she did,” Dante’s brother replied, glancing at a road sign.

“Don’t you need my confirmation on the papers or something for that?”

“Yeah, but we have some old homework assignments around, the ones that you ‘forgot’ to turn in, so I just forged your name from there. We would’ve asked you, but you were away at that time, and I knew you’d agree anyways. So you aren’t a Ricardo anymore… that’ll probably help your criminal records, too.”

“Cool. So now it’s Dante and Brandon Black?”

“No, Brandon and Dante Black. I’m older, my name goes first.”

“Wait… you said that I was away at that time, so weren’t you away too?”

“No, that was just a couple months ago—I haven’t left earth for nearly a year!”

“What?” Dante yelled. “You seriously mean that I could’ve used a regular cell phone to reach you?”

“Well… yeah.”

“So let me guess, you didn’t actually have a meeting.”

“No….”

“What kind of a brother are you, Brandon?”

“Look, I have my reasons—calm down and I’ll tell you.”

“Okay, okay….” Dante stopped talking, but he was still angry.

“The reason I had to go was because I didn’t want Rock to know I was mixed up in this,” Brandon explained. “But the thing is… I intercepted the package that was supposed to go to Rock.”

“Oh, so that’s why my deliver guys never came back,” Dante said. He was still angry, but there was good in the news. “Do you have the stuff?”

“Yeah, I put it in the storage compartment.”

“So I can give it to Rock now… but Brandon, it’s too late. He gave me three days, it’s been over a week! There’s no way he’ll forgive me… he’ll take the stuff and kill me.”

“Don’t worry, I have a friend who can help you out there. Take a left up here and we can go meet him. I’ve got everything set up.”

Dante skidded across the street, almost hitting the “Exit” sign as roared down the ramp. He pressed his foot on the brake, slowing the car down enough to stop at the red sign at the bottom. A semi passed by, and Dante drove forward again.

“Okay,” Dante said. “Here are a couple of questions. First of all, how’d you get to the prison?”

“Can’t answer you on that one… trade secret, even from my little bro.”

“Fine. How did you know I was at the prison?”

“Oh, that’s simple. After you called me I just tracked your phone. When a cop and a heli pulled up behind you, and you were chased into a police office, obviously I knew you had problems. And after the phone stayed in the heart of the police office for a few hours, I knew. So I waited till night and came and rescued you, and here we are. Oh, take a right up here.”

Dante followed the instruction, nodding. “You know,” he said, thinking… “your friend will have to be pretty dang powerful to get the Rock not to kill me.”

“He is, Dante, trust me.” Dante was silent for a bit after this.

“Oh man!” Brandon yelled suddenly, making Dante jump.

“What?”

“You missed our turn!”

“What? Jeez, Brandon, tell me sooner where we’re going!”

“Ha, ha, I’m just kidding, it’s right here that you need to turn.”

Dante spun the car, and this time he heard a sickening crunch as the back end of the Ferrari hit the railing. “I hate you, Brandon,” he said.

“That’s not a way to talk to your big brother!” Brandon scolded him.

Dante slowed the car down so he was going as slow as possible in the black Ferrari. “I wish I could sue you for that,” Dante said.

Brandon waited a few seconds as the car crept along, but finally the low speed irritated him and he said, “Okay, Jeez, I’ll tell you where to go. But you really know how to spoil the fun.”

“That’s a few thousand dollars right there, Brandon,” Dante said as he sped up.

“You can just go and steal a new car….”

thanks for reading!

by the way, chapter nine will be the final "Magic of Chocolate" chapter, but as The Magic of Chocolate is just part one of my story, after I post chapter nine, look for "Cops and Robbers (pt2 of my unnamed tale) chap. 10". Then I'll continue with Cops and Robbers...until the next part, etc.

Thanks for reading--wait, I already said that...never mind...

Teh Wozzinator


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Last edited by Teh Wozzinator on Tue Feb 19, 2008 11:06 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 10:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Gah, I meant to talk to you about your story, but my chat froze and you were gone after I refreshed. Mad

Quote:
“Yeah, but we have some old homework assignments around, [a dash] the ones that you ‘forgot’ to turn in...


Quote:
“So let me guess, [use a dash or a colon or triple dots] you didn’t actually have a meeting.”


Quote:
“Look, I have my reasons—calm down and I’ll tell you.”


Replace the dash with a period. Confused

Quote:
“Oh, so that’s why my delivery guys never came back,” Dante said. He was still angry, but there was good in the news. “Do you have the stuff?”


You just said he was angry a sentence or two ago. Rephrase this with different words so it means the same thing, but doesn't sound so repetitive. He could glare at his brother, or he could have 'sniffed' instead of 'said' or something.

Quote:
He gave me three days, it’s been over a week!


Replace comma with period or put an 'and' after the comma.

Quote:
Dante skidded across the street, almost hitting the “Exit” sign as he roared down the ramp.


Quote:
He pressed his foot on the brake, slowing the car down enough to a stop at the red sign at the bottom.


Quote:
“Oh, that’s simple. After you called me, I just tracked your phone.


Quote:
So I waited till night and came and rescued you, and here we are.


This always bothers me, but it could just be a useless pet-peeve of mine. Till is to plow, as in crops and farming. It may just have changed meaning over the years and I'm just getting old, but until can be shortened as 'til with one L and an apostrophe.

Quote:
“You know,” he said, thinking… “your friend will have to be pretty dang powerful to get the Rock not to kill me.”


"You know," he said, thinking, "...your friend would have to be pretty dang powerful to convince the Rock not to kill me."

Quote:
Dante was silent for a bit after this.


Dante fell silent.

Quote:
“Oh, man!” Brandon yelled suddenly, making Dante jump.


This was an amusing part with the convo between the brothers, especially at the end. However, it could still be fleshed out more with description and whatnot.

My critiques may seem to small to you *saw your reply after my crit in the last part*, but that's because you post small chunks. Plus, I only pick out the things that really bug me. I nit-pick if my pet-peeves have been taken care of. Twisted Evil

Well, keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 3:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*stamps with Keek's official 'will read' stamp*

Yes, so I am coming back to this story finally. =P Sorry for the long delay. It's late here, though, so I am going to bed very soon. However, I will be coming back for this part and the other two (8 & 9).

But, I shall not leave you wit simply a stamp! I shall leave you with a nice little suggestion: fix the names of these chapters. This is me nitpicking. Watch.

Quote:
The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 1) Chocolate Bar
The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 2) The Drop of a Pen
The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 3) Space Call
The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 4) On Trial
The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 5) Journal of a Prisoner


These first five, your title is consistent.

Then...
Quote:
Magic/Chocolate (pt. 1 of my unnamed story) chapter six


Suddenly, we have 'unnamed story' in the mix. On top of which you don't name the chapter as you did the first five. You also changed the title of 'Part 1' of your unamed story to 'Magic/Chocolate'. You can edit the titles after posting them, you can go back and change the titles of the first five chapters to 'Magic/Chocolate'. Also, you used letters to spell out six, rather than the number 6. In the first five chapters you used numbers.

Quote:
Magic/Chocolate (pt1 of my unnamed tale) chap. 7


Mwaha. And here, you switch back to numbers and abreviate 'chapter' to 'chap'. Again, with no title for the chapter. But we (royal we, I use it a lot) understand that not all chapters have names, because naming stuff is hard. So we forgive the later offense. Also, you went from 'unnamed story' to 'unnamed tale'. If you hadn't noticed.

Quote:
The Magic of Chocolate (pt1 of my unnamed tale) chapter 8

Ho ho. Okies. You not switched back to the original title 'The magic of chocolate', and unabbreviated 'chapter'.

Quote:
Pt1 of my unnamed tale: The Magic of Chocolate; chapter 9


And then finally, you put 'Pt1 of my unnamed tale' at the beginning, unlike everywhere else. Still use the original title (did you decide to switch back? Maybe I missed that), and use a semi colon which I think you don't need to.

The moral of the story? It's all the same story, so my brain goes bonkers when I am trying to find chapter six and realizing the reason it's so hard t find it in your portfolio is because the format for the title of your chapters changes from six on. What should you do? Pick a format, and apply it to all chapters.

ex:
a. The Magic of Chocolate (unnamed tale pt1) - Chapter # : Title
b. Unnamed tale Pt1 : The magic of chocolate - Chapter # : Title

I don't think this is a pet peeve yet, but I a noticing I find it distracting and of course I was in the mood to bug you about it. You can ignore me, since the site seems perfectly capable of organizing them in the right order in the little chapter menu. Wink
^_^ Keek!

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 11:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The reason I did that is so that I wouldn't run out of character room. And I wanted to say that The Magic of Chocolate is the name of part one only.

Hmm.

Maybe I'll change them back and for now call the entire story TMoC??

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 12:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. You only got a crit from Jabber on this one? O.O

Great chapter, as always! You've really got a talent for writing, I'll give you that! Every chapter is just so dang cool...

And you should put at least something wrong in there for me to crit! I feel so useless! Ugh! I'm sorry. I need something to crit instead of saying great job...

Detail! Oh yeah! Detail! Everyone can always improve on this! Right now, I can't really picture the world that we are in. I think the setting is earth... idk...

And also emotion, although you can do it quite well...

sorry for the useless crit!

BBB

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