Topic ID: 25179
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1dering at stars
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 Posted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 1:57 am Post subject: Dear Joy, |
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So, take me to that place
Where the grass is green as youth
And the rhythm of a seashell, is perfect as a breath
Where the river sings as freely, as blood pumped with every heartbeat
And you melt in perfect laughter, at the beauty of its voice. |
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Teh Wozzinator
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| Posted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 2:58 am Post subject: |
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Well, this is really too short to give a good review on, but I will comment. I liked it, it has a good feel and descriptions. One thing that you can do is get rid of the comma after the first "so". Oh, and also put a period after "breath". And maybe you should add "Dear joy," into the poem?? That makes it less confusing, and I think that it would work really well. Your rhythm was fine--I didn't notice anything wrong there. And your wording works great.
It's a nice little poem with a good feel to it.
Keep writing!
Teh Wozzinator |
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1dering at stars
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| Posted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 3:02 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks for your comment! Good suggestions. |
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.... And I wish I could do something great no one's ever done;
Catch a cloud, or steal a star, or sail 'round the sun.... |
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Via
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| Posted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 4:08 am Post subject: |
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This is short, but it's okay too. I'll see what I can suggest here...
I think what is going on is instead of going to the next line you are using a comma instead...and that's just awkward. Consider this revision:
So, Take me to that place
Where the grass is green as youth,
And the rhythm of a seashell
is perfect as a breath,
Where the river sings as freely
as blood pumped with every heartbeat,
And you melt in perfect laughter
at the beauty of its voice.
It definitely gives it a better flow. Commas mean pauses, and pauses in those areas were awkward.
It's pretty good imagery-wise. You definitely have the similies down. But there is no meat to this poem. It's just similies of a place. Who is taking you to this place? Why are you going there? What are you trying to escape? Without these things it's simply a description of a place no one knows where is...you know?
Good luck and Happy Editing! |
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SimonCowellLuver
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| Posted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 7:46 pm Post subject: |
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Well to me I think its to short. But that is my opinion you can make it the size you want it to be. No offense I didn't really like it and I don't know how the title goes with this I don't what it is but.... Hope to see more your stuff
good luck Gothgirl01 |
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NightsDreamer2277
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| Posted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 7:58 pm Post subject: |
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| I like it. It's short and sweet, yet gets your idea across. |
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SpreadLight
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| Posted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 8:14 am Post subject: |
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I like the atmosphere this poem creates. It's succinct but sweet, and abstract, so readers can interpret it a thousand ways. I do question one line in particular...something about a river...blood...heartbeat...that is rather confusing, since rivers don't actually pulse. But it could work, I suppose...?
Otherwise, I like the style of this poem  |
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Fangala the Flying Feline
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| Posted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 1:22 am Post subject: |
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| Ooh, lovely! I like how you start with "so." It's an interesting technique, beginning in the middle instead of the beginning. I think it's very clever how you rhymed "youth" with "breath." Imperfect rhyme is so genius. The rhythm of a seashell...gorgeous! I have no problems with this. Simply beautiful. |
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