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BroadwayGirl
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 Posted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 2:47 am Post subject: The name of the game- Chapter One |
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Chapter One.
Blood. Sweat. Tears. Pain.
It all falls down when we let that ball hit the floor. It only has to bounce once. And then its over.
My teammates and I are going to win the volleyball championship. No doubt about. When we have the bright, golden cup in our hands then all the blood, sweat, tears and pain will have been worth it. There is no better feeling than when th…
“Tia! Stop daydreaming! TIA!” Carry, another player on the team, is always interrupting my daydreams. She’s a very good volleyball player, and a beautiful brunette who just always has the urge to bother me.
I quickly snap back into my unfortunate reality. The reality where my volleyball team has lost the national championship three times in a row. The reality where I now have to take a test that I haven’t studied for. Sometimes I’ll get so distracted that I’ll just become oblivious to the cruel outside world.
Usually, if I haven’t studied for a test, it’s because I was playing around with my volleyball. And last night that was indeed the case…
Last night I was lying on my bed when my mother walked in. She had one of the best “Wilson” volleyballs that you could buy. She gave it to me and said, “So you can practice darling. So you don’t lose the next game.” That peppy little bimbo cheerleader, I could just...! She always cheers for our team but right when we get home she goes straight to complaining how bad I am, and how I need to practice more. The point is, that she gave me a new volleyball and I needed one because I had already worn out my other one.
My older one is all ripped up and it should go in the trash. But there are so many memories there that I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I remember my first volleyball game with that ball.
We were set up in a W formation, and I finally got to be the setter for my team, as the other one had injured herself earlier in the game. The surve was coming over the net so all the girls’ switched positions to get a better set up. Carry bumped it to me and I set it to Julie she quickly did the approach and she spike it over. No one on the other team even tried to block it. That’s how hard , and painful on the fingers, her spikes are.
As her spike was going over my long blonde hair snapped out of its flower elastic. I had had it since I was seven so when it finally decided to snap I wasn’t in shock. I attempted to play the rest of the game without an elastic and I succeeded. It really was and amazing gam….
“Tia! For god’s sake, TIA!” I snapped back out of my daydream, again to find Carry yelling at me, again.
“ Tia, the teacher is explaining the test that he’s going to hand out. You might want to listen.”
Like I was going to listen.
I love to volley the ball around while I listen to music or just leave myself to my thoughts. It’s usually a peaceful time where I’m not forced to think about the unfortunate reality. Scratch that, my unfortunate reality.
Now the test lies before me. It is not going to easy. I look down, scared to even read the questions. All I know so far about the test is that it’s covered in black ink.
Question#1: Review. Who discovered Quebec?
I gaze over to the clock and think…..Was Quebec discovered by Cartier or Champlain?
Wait a sec, was Quebec even discovered by either of them?
Like I said, I have an unfortunate reality.
And as far as reality goes, I’m screwed. |
Last edited by BroadwayGirl on Sun Feb 10, 2008 8:46 pm; edited 5 times in total |
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Wolf
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| Posted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 3:19 am Post subject: |
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Hey Emily! 
You have a very interesting start here, and I want to read more. That's a good sign. However, there are some things to consider before I move on to the nit-picks...
SPACING:
It's very important to separate this into paragraphs. You always start a new paragraph when someone is speaking, and when you move form one idea to the next. PM me if you need help with this, and here's what good 'ole Wikipedia has to say about it. 
INFO-DUMPS:
There isn't any info-dumps here, but I thought I should bring this up for future reference. For example, when you're talking about how Tia plays volleyball and loses herself in her thoughts. You can still keep this information, but try filling it in with some more imagery and descriptions. Like what she looks like, and what the gym looks like. Here's an example:
I love to volley the ball around while I listen to music or just leave myself to my thoughts. Twirling one strand of straight brown hair around my finger, I think wistfully about how it’s usually a peaceful time where I’m not forced to think about the unfortunate reality.
Does that make sense? If not, post here or PM me. Whichever works best. 
DESCRIPTIONS:
There isn't really much imagery here, and you might want to fix that. Imagery is very good for making the reader become more engrossed in your story, and with it, you can create more vivid mental images.
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Blood. Sweat. Tears. Pain.
It all falls down when we let that ball hit the floor. It only has to bounce once. And then its over. My teammates and I are going to win the volleyball championship. No doubt about it. We’ll have the bright shiny golden cup in our hands and then all the blood, sweat, tears and pain will have been worth it.
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Here, you don't really mention where the blood, sweat, tears and pain are coming from. I mean, obviously they're coming form the girls on her team, but you should elaborate more. Give us a quick, subtle description of where those things are coming from.
For more power in these words, you could try something like this:
'Blood, mingling with sweat and tears as it flows from [insert name of a girl on Tia's team here] nose. Hair flying, a blur of legs and uniforms; the rubber gym floor seen through a chaos of bodies.'
Now, onto the nit-picks! 
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We’ll have the bright shiny golden cup in our hands and then all the blood, sweat, tears and pain will have been worth it.
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I think it would sound better with a comma after 'bright'.
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“Tia! Stop daydreaming! TIA!”
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Who says this? You should describe their voice, how it broke into her thoughts.
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Blood. Sweat. Tears. Pain.
It all falls down when we let that ball hit the floor. It only has to bounce once. And then its over. My teammates and I are going to win the volleyball championship. No doubt about it. We’ll have the bright shiny golden cup in our hands and then all the blood, sweat, tears and pain will have been worth it.
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I think this whole section should be in italics, since it's not really happening.
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The reality where my volleyball team has lost or championship 3 times in a row.
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Instead of doing a number 3, just type 'three'. It looks more professional. 
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As the test lies before me I can’t remember whether Cartier or Champlain discovered Quebec.
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This was where I got really confused. So this whole time, she's been staring at a test? You should describe the paper and how she feels as she looks at it, to give us a better mental image.
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Wait a sec was Quebec even discovered by either one of them?
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Put a comma after 'sec'. =p
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Like I said I have an unfortunate reality.
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Comma after 'said', too.
Overall, this is good. It has room for improvement but you're off to an interesting start, and with a bit of editing - tadaa!
Anyways, feel free to ask if there's anything you don't understand.
Seeya 'round, Em-Cat!
- Camille |
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Insomnia
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| Posted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 6:56 am Post subject: |
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Hey, BroadwayGirl. I noticed that you're new-ish, so I thought I'd give you a critique. Sorry if I repeat some of what Ayra's said. I try not to read other people's criiques. xD First, my superficial spelling/grammar Nazi check, and then my impressions.
And then its over.
*it's
We’ll have the bright shiny golden cup in our hands
Gah. Advective overload. Bright shiny golden? Try removing one or two of them, or adding commas. It is a list, after all.
The reality where my volleyball team has lost or championship 3 times
"Or championship?" Maybe "the championship?" Also, numbers under ten need to be spelled out, so "three."
Wait a sec was Quebec even discovered by either one of them?
*"Wait a sec, was Quebec..." Also, if this is a thought, it should be in italics to differentiate it from narration.
Basically, this is far too short. You could probably extend this a lot more by showing instead of telling. For example, have her remember a game where her daydreaming cost them the match, or something like that. I know nothing about sports, and it probably shows, but you need to show more of her in her element.
Also, you could have a scene of the nght before where she's playing with her new volleyball instead of studying for the test. You'd have to add some more stuff, as it doesn't sound that interesting right now, but that scene could turn out really well if you detailed it.
And a scene of the classroom, last of all. This is another place where you could bring her... airiness, I suppose, into it. You could have her looking around the classroom, observing things about her fellow classmates, things like that. It'd show how good she is at procrastinating.
Because it was so short, is seemed awkward and disorganised. Lengthening the story would fix that.
Also, we don't get much of a sense of a character here. Again, this is something that can be fixed with length, which is what it all comes down to. If you use all the scenes I mentioned, and add your own creative flourishes to the character, she could come out rather well rounded. As it is, she seems rather flat.
If there's anything you want to ask about my critique, or you need any help, just PM me. I'd be happy to answer. Sorry if this seemed harsh. Just trying to help your story reach its potential.
-Mat |
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Wolf
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 11:46 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Emily!
I'm back again to review your revised edition.
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Blood. Sweat. Tears. Pain.
It all falls down when we let that ball hit the floor. It only has to bounce once. And then its over.
My teammates and I are going to win the volleyball championship. No doubt about. We’ll have the bright, golden cup in our hands and then all the blood, sweat, tears and pain will have been worth it. There is no better feeling than when th…
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I still think this section should be in italics...
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She’s a very good volleyball player, and a beautiful brunette who just can’t leave me alone.
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The way you say 'who just can't leave me alone' gives me the impression that the narrator is a guy, and this Carry likes him. But then, Tia isn't a guy's name, so maybe you should say: '... who can never stop bothering me' or something.
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That peppy little bimbo cheerleader, I could just...!!!
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I don't get this part - is her mom a 'preppy little bimbo cheerleader'? You should clarify more.
Also, you shouldn't use more than one exclamation point.
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We were set up in a W formation, and I finally got to be the setter for my team, as the other one had injured herself earlier in the game. The surve was coming over the net so all the girls’ switched positions to get a better set up. Carry bumped it to me and I set it to Julie she quickly did the approach and she spiked it over. No one on the other team even tried to block it. That’s how hard , and painful on the fingers, her spikes are. As her spike was going over; my long blonde hair snapped out of its flower elastic. I had had it since I was 7 so when it finally decided to snap I wasn’t in shock. I attempted to play the rest of the game without an elastic and I succeeded. It really was and amazing gam….
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This should be in italics, since it is a flashback/memory.
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“Tia! For god’s sake, TIA!” I snapped back out of my daydream, again to find Carry yelling at me, again.
“ Tia, the teacher is explaining the test that he’s going to hand out. You might want to listen.” Like I was going to listen!
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You should start a new paragraph for every new piece of dialogue. Also, put 'Like I was going t listen!' on a separate line.
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Paper is white right? Well most of this paper was filled in black ink. Such a waste. Teachers are very wasteful with all the tests, assignments and handouts. They just waste paper on people they know are going to fail their class anyways. So why be wasteful teachers? Why?
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This is kind of... odd. In my opinion, you should scrap it.
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I look back down at my test scared to even read the questions.
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There should be a comma after 'test'.
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Question#1 Review. Who discovered Quebec?
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It would look more test-like if you put a colon after 'Question#1', so that it looks like this: Question #1: Review.
Anyways, you already know my general opinions on this. We can discuss it tomorrow at school, if you want.
Happy Editing,
Camille |
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BroadwayGirl
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| Posted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 12:19 am Post subject: |
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THANK YOU for all the critics, I have edited it multiple times now but this is the last draft(I hope) Let me know if I'm ready to move on.
-BroadwayGirl |
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Wolf
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| Posted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 12:25 am Post subject: |
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I think you are ready to move on now to Chapter Two.
... once you fix some tiny things:
You should avoid using numbers in your writing unless you are recording a date or time. Here's an example of where you don't need the digits:
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I had had it since I was 7 so when it finally decided to snap I wasn’t in shock.
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'7' should just be 'seven'.
Also, here's a typo I noticed:
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As her spike was going over my long blonde hair snapped out f its flower elastic
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Out f it's flower elastic?
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Question#1: Review. Who discovered Quebec?
I gaze over to the clock and think…..Was Quebec discovered by Cartier or Champlain?
Wait a sec, was Quebec even discovered by either of them?
Like I said I have an unfortunate reality.
And as far as reality goes, I’m screwed.
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Separate this into paragraphs again.
Overall, this is good! I'm actually anxious to find out what she gets on her test. xD
Cheers,
Camille |
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shanan-cat
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| Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 6:16 pm Post subject: |
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hey em's!
I finally got to see your post! Yay for me!
O.k, for one, does this have to do with the school volleyball or no?
The continuation of this, how are you going to do it?
For me, I can't see it happening unlesss you are going to continue with her team continuing with the tournament.
I also wanted to add the fact that you should have added more on the topic about your test and all your team members.
(I also wanted to say that I didn't get to read the whole story 'cause my mom was comin' in the room, O.k?)
sorry em but next time I go on I promise that i will, k?
byas, sincerely,
shanan
KEEP GOING!!! |
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darkdove
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| Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 7:23 pm Post subject: |
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| I like, its obvious to me that she's suppose to be spacy. And what person isn't? I would totally like to read more. I thought it was funny how she'd skip over to something else and then got snapped out of it. Good Luck! |
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Azila
Yes we did!
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| Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 3:40 pm Post subject: |
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Hi there Emily!
This piece is pretty good. It's pretty much just an introduction... introducing your character--which isn't a bad idea to do in the first chapter. This is alright as it is, but I think would be enhanced if you add some details like (keep in mind I don't know ANYTHING about volleyball...) like the sun in her eyes while she's playing... the feel of the ball against her palm... the heat... her hair sticking to her neck... have fun with it.
Also, there is hardly ANY description. That's o.k. for the first chapter, because it's just about the character's thoughts, but make sure you use more later on... check out some of Camille's pieces, she has beautiful descriptions.
Onto the nitpicks:
| Quote: |
Blood. Sweat. Tears. Pain.
It all falls down when we let that ball hit the floor. It only has to bounce once. And then its over. |
Wonderful opening lines! They sucked me in and made me want to read more.
| Quote: |
| We’ll have the bright, golden cup in our hands and then all the blood, sweat, tears and pain will have been worth it. |
Nitpick: this is a little awkward--maybe try rewriting it to be: "When we have the bright, golden cup in our hands and then all the blood, sweat, tears and pain will have been worth it."
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| She’s a very good volleyball player, and a beautiful brunette who just always has the urge to bother me.. |
Another nitpick: Why are there two periods here?
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| The reality where my volleyball team has lost the national championship three times in a row. The reality where I now have to take a test that I haven’t studied for. |
I think this would work better if you said "The reality IN WHICH..."
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| Sometimes I’ll get so distracted that I’ll just become oblivious to the cruel outside world. |
This is in the future tense, I think it would work better as: "Sometimes I get so distracted that I just become oblivious to the cruel outside world."
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| Usually, If I haven’t studied for a test it’s because I was playing around with my volleyball. |
Two things:
#1: The "i" in "if" shouldn't be capitalized.
#2: There should be a comma after "test"
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| My older one is all ripped of and it should go in the trash. But there are so many memories there that I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. |
"ripped of"? Is this supposed to be "ripped up"?
| Quote: |
We were set up in a W formation, and I finally got to be the setter for my team, as the other one had injured herself earlier in the game. The surf was coming over the net so all the girls’ switched positions to get a better set up. Carry bumped it to me and I set it to Julie she quickly did the approach and she spike it over. No one on the other team even tried to block it. That’s how hard , and painful on the fingers, her spikes are. As her spike was going over my long blonde hair snapped out of its flower elastic. I had had it since I was seven so when it finally decided to snap I wasn’t in shock. I attempted to play the rest of the game without an elastic and I succeeded. It really was and amazing gam….
“Tia! For god’s sake, TIA!” I snapped back out of my daydream, again to find Carry yelling at me, again. |
Break this up. The dialogue is a separate paragraph--or should be.
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| It’s usually a peaceful time where I’m not forced to think about the unfortunate reality. |
You should change "where" to "when"...I think. 
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| Now the test lies before me. It is not going to easy. I look down at my test, scared to even read the questions. |
Repetition of "test"
| Quote: |
Like I said I have an unfortunate reality.
And as far as reality goes, I’m screwed. |
Sentence#1>> comma after "said"
Both sentences>> These are repetitive. They're both saying the same thing. I'd say just use one or the other.
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Tell me when you post chapter two!
~Azila~ |
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BroadwayGirl
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| Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 8:49 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you everyone for all the amazing and helpful crtics. My second chapter will be posted by Friday the 15th of February. Once again thank you for all the helpful critics.
-BroadwayGirl |
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