Topic ID: 25027
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 12 Jan 2006
Posts: 940
Reviews: 207
Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy.
300 Points
|
 Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 2:47 am Post subject: Diary of a Villain : Prologue |
 |
|
Excerpt:
Apparently, the man who said ‘you are what you choose to be’ was a liar. A really horrible liar who took joy in making innocent little children believe that they could choose their own destiny and be whoever they wanted to be. If he’s still alive, someone should help him realize the error of his ways. It will start like this: “Sir, since you can choose your destiny, why don’t you decide you’re going to live while me and my knife decide you’re going to die and see who’s will is stronger?"
Synopsis
Diary of a Villain is the story of what happens to a young woman by the name of Yazra when she stops listening to her gentle nature and faces the fact that no matter how hard she tries to be good, she always seems to end up being bad.
Author's note
This story has been a lot of fun to write so far, so I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I did. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Sam
starface
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 12 Dec 2004
Posts: 4920
Reviews: 1251
Country: 'mreeka
446 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 12:25 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Cool story, Sleeping_Valor. My critiquing style is a little bit weird in this one, but hopefully you'll follow my logic? ^_~ Thanks for the read! |
_________________
You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
- Boris Yeltsin |
|
| Back to top |
|
LoveableLittleSock
There is no guarantee I won't tear it apart...
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 02 Jan 2008
Posts: 485
Reviews: 159
Country: United States of America
311 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 5:36 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hey, just want you to know I downloaded your story and I'm working on it right now. I'll get it to you as soon as possible 
May I asked the impossibly cliche question that's inevitable?
READ MINE!
HA.
It barely is over 5000 words, and its extremely raw.
So you'll get through it in no time.
"Michief out at Sea."
 |
_________________
Writing is far from just a hobby. It's a passion.
Need an utterly fabulous Critique that's absolutely free? |
|
| Back to top |
|
LoveableLittleSock
There is no guarantee I won't tear it apart...
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 02 Jan 2008
Posts: 485
Reviews: 159
Country: United States of America
311 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 2:46 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This was very long for a prologue
I was extremely sad when it ended. I was like, "NOOO. Don't end!!" I love how Yazra always considers killing someone as her first option. "This little tiny harmless boy knows I killed the doctor. Maybe I should murder him..."
There were a few grammer mistakes, but thats pretty much it. You should consider using more words for 'said' like 'admitted,' 'told,' et cetera.
Are you going to post up more ? |
_________________
Writing is far from just a hobby. It's a passion.
Need an utterly fabulous Critique that's absolutely free? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 12 Jan 2006
Posts: 940
Reviews: 207
Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 4:57 pm Post subject: |
|
|
XD Thank you! I know it's long, when I finished and saw the number of pages, I look up 'prologue' and only let it go because they said it could be an 'introductory chapter'. =P
Yay! You liked it. ^_^ I actually first posted the prologue in the fantasy forum, and since there wasn't much response here (and I already had a bunch of readers in the forum) I decided to just continue posting it there. If you'd like, here's the link to the 'revamped' prologue, which is completely different (have no fear, the prologue you just critiqued becomes chapter one. You didn't waste your time. =P).
Trials of a Villain (DoaV Revamped) : Prologue - http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic26581.html
You might notice there's a lo more DoaV stuff up (Pilot section, Chapter one, Chapter Two, Revised prologue part 1 & 2), unless you're a die hard fan, don't read it. =P It's all going to show up again in the first 1-3 chapters (though much improved, if I have anything to say about it). |
_________________
Here's a free coupon! Good for:
1) A new friend
2) A free review
3) Advice on problems and general YWS assistance
^_^ PM me anytime to use! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kyte
Fantasy guru
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 13 Aug 2007
Posts: 1062
Reviews: 410
Country: Somewhere in Florida
73 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 10:42 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| It's not fun when you don't get reviews. So I decided I'd go over the prologue and fix some errors. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Kyte
Fantasy guru
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 13 Aug 2007
Posts: 1062
Reviews: 410
Country: Somewhere in Florida
73 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 10:43 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| It's not fun when you don't get reviews. So I decided I'd go over the prologue and fix some errors. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
