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This thread was created on January 21, 2008
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Welcome to Nirvana! Chapter One
Topic ID: 24974
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ana_is_a_banana   View This User's Portfolio
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Country: The Valley
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 1:10 am    Post subject: Welcome to Nirvana! Chapter One Reply with quote

Chapter 1

The Separation

I was standing on the ledge staring back at Billy. I was frozen in fear as I stared at the small piece of rock holding up the piece of land. I really wanted to run toward him; I wanted to be safe in his arms again. I could see that Billy was also frightened about the land falling the many feet below into the rushing river. Tears welled up in his eyes, he thought I would go with the land.

I knew that if I were to live I would have to go to the side opposite of Billy. Then I did something that now I regret, I curled up and closed my eyes tight. Just then the rock started to tip and I started to slide. I grabbed on to the nearest thing, but kept my eyes closed tight. After two minutes or so, I had to open my eyes to see where I was. I was clutched on to the side of land opposite of Billy.

Billy began speaking soothingly and telling me that he would come in a helicopter to get me. I didn't believe it. I just knew his parents would object. His parents came up behind him and gasped in surprise. They had obviously heard the land fall.

Billy said, “I have to go get him in a helicopter mom, I really do. He is my best friend in the whole world; I can’t leave him there!”

Billy’s parents were explaining to him that this was the place I belong anyway. I didn't get it, I was just a dog! How could I possibly survive here? I started to howl and whine in sadness. I was pacing on the edge of the just newly made cliff as Billy’s parents picked up the squirming, struggling Billy. Billy was screaming and yelling and whining. Soon the screaming died away and it was quiet.

It truly is amazing how a simple family hike can turn into what I experienced.

"It's alright Cedric. We'll just go on for a little while longer. Momma and Poppa wont even know." He told me. Even though his parents said don't go past the danger sign, I followed him. Why? I wondered. Why did I do that? My thoughts carried me away.

Suddenly a small furry creature scurried out from the bushes and bound away.

I yelled, “Wait, don’t go! I won’t hurt you!”

The creature stopped in mid stride and said in a high squeaky voice “I know what happened to you, I saw. I don’t possibly know how we can be friends though.”

I said in reply “Oh come on, I won’t hurt you! I promise!”

The creature finally agreed and slowly approached me. As it got closer I saw a small dress upon the creature, like the ones that Billy’s mom wore, but handmade, and quilted.

The creature, seeing me eying its dress, said “I see you like my sewing. Oh, and yes, I should tell you, only the small creatures wear clothing here. I'm guessing you didn't know that."

"No. Um... what exactly are you?" I asked, in reply.

"I am a mouse. My name is Amalia.”

I answered back to the little mouse, “Oh, well I am a dog, and my name is Cedric.”

Amalia, seeming surprised, said “Oh, you are not a dog, sweetie pie, did your owner not tell you? You are a wolf darling, a wolf.”

Not having much time to think about this, I felt a clunk on my head.

Then I heard a voice and felt more clunks on my head. “Amalia, what do you think you are doing! That is a wolf!”

Amalia looked up, along with me. There was another creature, and this time it was in a tree. Amalia explained the situation to the creature, so the creature came down the tree and calmly approached me.

“He is so poor, lovely, and darling.” She said to Amalia. Then she looked in my direction, “What is your name sweetie?”

I replied, “Cedric, yes that is my name, Cedric, and I am a wolf, I guess.”

I hadn’t had much time to look at the creature, and when I got a closer look, I saw that it had red fur and a very fluffy tail. It was wearing little apron and a handmade blue and white checkered dress.

It said to me, “My name is Zaffloriah, and I am a squirrel. Amalia said you weren't so familiar with the species of the wild?”

"Yeah, Amalia is right."I was certainly surprised to hear such a species, it sounded so wonderful, yet very silly-like. I was so confused about all these new things. It felt like a dream.

I didn’t know what to say, so I ran toward the open grassy field. Amalia and Zaffloriah had a hard time catching up with me. I was bounding in the field and pouncing on dirt piles.

One time I almost pounced on a little fluttery thing. Before it had time to leave I asked it, “Who are you? What are you? I am Cedric, I am a wolf!” I was starting to like the sound of it.

The fluttery thing said back to me in the most beautiful voice, “I am Saloriana, I am a butterfly!”

Her wings were many colors, and in beautiful designs. I loved her. She was wearing a flowing summer dress which reminded me of the moon. And then she flew away, perhaps I would never see her again.

Then something caught my eye, another wolf. It was bounding in the field, just as I was a few moments ago. It was beautiful; its fur was shining in the hot summer sun.

I called to it, “Hey! Who are you? Wolf! Do you hear me? I’m Cedric! I’m a wolf too!”

It stopped and looked at me. It came closer, and I realized how beautiful it really was.

It came up and said “Excuse me, but I am not a wolf, I am a fox. My name is Luna.”

I said back to her in a playful voice, “Do you want to come and play with me?”

She daintily walked up to me with her head held high and then she pounced on me. We quickly became friends. We played all kinds of games; tag, hide and seek, cat and mouse, and much, much more.

When I returned that evening I asked Amalia, “Where am I any

way?”

"Oh, Sorry I never told you.” She replied. “Welcome to Nirvana.”


_________________
Ana
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”


Last edited by ana_is_a_banana on Tue Jan 22, 2008 4:27 am; edited 2 times in total
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SeraphTree   View This User's Portfolio
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Age: 19
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300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 1:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Please space between your paragraphs. Very Happy Then I will crit. Very HappyVery HappyVery Happy

_________________
"You used a log splitter to pull my tooth??"
"You got a better idea?"
~This Old House
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Twitch111   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 3:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it. Very Happy The only objection that I have is that in the first couple paragraphs you used Billy too often. I might replace it every once in a while with a he.
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1dering at stars   View This User's Portfolio
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Country: East of the sun and West of the moon
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 3:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Ana! Its me. I really liked this! I didn't find any grammar errors or punctuation errors or anything. And the story was really good to. It sounds like its going to be very fun!
Sorry if this wasn't much help, but there wasn't much to help in my opinion. I'm glad you joined! Great start! Tell me when you post the next chapter!

_________________
.... And I wish I could do something great no one's ever done;
Catch a cloud, or steal a star, or sail 'round the sun....
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ana_is_a_banana   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

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Joined: 21 Jan 2008
Posts: 20
Reviews: 7
Country: The Valley
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 4:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanx Everyone! Thank You Sonni!!! Everyone has good help!!!!!

_________________
Ana
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”
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SeraphTree   View This User's Portfolio
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Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 19
Joined: 07 Jun 2007
Posts: 378
Reviews: 335
Country: Alaska [state]
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 11:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

BOM BOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have returned.
Very Happy
First off, let me say that this is a very interesting concept. I'm interested as to why you call this place Nirvana. Now onto the crit.

The creature finally agreed and slowly approached me. As it got closer I saw a small dress upon the creature, like the ones that Billy’s mom wore, but handmade, and quilted.

The creature, seeing me eying its dress, said “I see you like my sewing. Oh, and yes, I should tell you, only the small creatures wear clothing here. I'm guessing you didn't know that."


You *cough* obviously didn't know that.
Be careful with the clothed animal bit. 1# It makes your work sound childish- 2# Because animals don't need clothes. Wink I suggest you read the Redwall series. They do this too. Very HappyVery Happy

Amalia, seeming surprised, said “Oh, you are not a dog, sweetie pie, did your owner not tell you? You are a wolf darling, a wolf.”

WHOA!!
This is a bit much. I mean, it's obviously illegal to own a wolf, so how did Billy get a hold of one??? Why would his parents let him keep a wild animal, and why wouldn't they call Fish&Game?
Now, if her were a breed of dog that LOOKED like a wolf, such as a Husky or Malemute, that would be more understandable. Please clarify. Very Happy

It said to me, “My name is Zaffloriah, and I am a squirrel. Amalia said you weren't so familiar with the species of the wild?”

Killer name, Ana. Careful with these. Wink

It came up and said “Excuse me, but I am not a wolf, I am a fox. My name is Luna.”

I said back to her in a playful voice, “Do you want to come and play with me?”


Careful. You are introducing too many characters at once. Now if the mouse was giving Cedric a tour of Nirvana, that would make more sense. Very Happy

She daintily walked up to me with her head held high and then she pounced on me. We quickly became friends. We played all kinds of games; tag, hide and seek, cat and mouse, and much, much more.

Again, this is a bit unrealistic. Usually wolves will kill foxes, so Luna's reaction is a bit off. Smile

Overall, more detail, less character intros. Smile We need to know more about Cedric. I mean, the dog doesn't seem to even miss his family. Does he get wolfy flashbacks? Is he half wolf or coyote? [yes, those are possible] Or... something else? More details!!!
If you need anything, feel free to PM me. Very Happy

_________________
"You used a log splitter to pull my tooth??"
"You got a better idea?"
~This Old House
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Shreksurmum   View This User's Portfolio
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300 Points

PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 7:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i liked this story, the story as good and i couldnt take my eyes away. my only problem was in the first few paragraphs, it was billy this and billy that, dont be afraid to use he or him every now or then
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