Topic ID: 24907
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Eric511
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 18 Nov 2007
Posts: 24
Reviews: 3
Country: United States
300 Points
|
 Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 9:31 pm Post subject: One Night |
 |
|
One night
It was a Saturday night when it happened. It was supposed to be such a great night. It was our five year anniversary. I could not believe he had been my boyfriend for five years. We brought up marriage a few times, but never really talked it through. We were happy though. I loved Jason so much. He was taking me on a date to some restaurant. He wouldn’t tell me where it was. We were driving and he said he needed to stop by the bank so he could pay for dinner. I told him I’d pay, but he insisted that he would pay and that I should keep everything in my purse. I didn’t understand at the time what he meant. We had just gotten back from this festival thing that was going on in our city. It was about eight o’clock. We drove up to the bank and parked the car. Even though he was just going to the ATM in front of the car, I came with him. Holding hands, we walked up to the ATM.
“Can you hand me my wallet?” he asked. As I was digging through my purse I saw a man walking slowly toward us. Jason saw him too and maneuvered in front of me watching him suspiciously. I slowly brought the wallet out of my purse. Jason still stood in front of me. The man kept coming closer. Jason followed him with his eyes. I saw the man eye the wallet I was holding. Suddenly he pulled a gun Jason quickly covered my body with his own.
“Hand over that wallet and you can walk away!” he shouted. Scared I tossed the wallet at him. He picked it up with the gun still aimed at us. Jason was tense and kept making sure I was behind him.
“Do think this is a joke!” he shouted throwing the wallet on the ground and shaking his gun at us. “I want money damn it! Give me your purse!” I got out from behind Jason and extended my arm holding the strap of the purse. Just as the man snatched the purse from my hand, my stubborn boyfriend lunged at the man. I stood in shock. Jason held the man’s hand with the gun pointed away. I screamed as the gun fired three times into the air. Jason with his left hand began to punch the man in the face. The man dropped the gun and fell down. Jason pushed the man away and grabbed the purse. I watched in horror as Jason picked up the gun and when he turned around to face the man, he had pulled out another gun from his jacket pocket and pulled the trigger. This time the air was not the only thing that was struck. I screamed as Jason began to fall backwards and the man sprinted away. Yelling and screaming I ran to Jason, tears streaming down my face. He was alive. I immediately pulled my cell from my purse and called 911. It seemed like it was hours before they got there when really it was only 15 minutes. The longest time I had ever been through. As we waited, he kept telling me it will be alright, that he was ok. Jason had never lied to me before. The ambulance came and had Jason and he rushing to the hospital. As we rode in the ambulance, I could not control my emotions and kept on crying. When we got to the hospital, they made me wait outside of the emergency room as they took Jason in. I tried to force my way in, but was held back by one of the nurses. Kicking and screaming, they forced me back into the waiting room. Finally I sat in the waiting room clutching my purse. One of the nurses had called Jason and my parents and they were on their way. I could barely hear the pulse monitor. It beeped slowly. Every time I heard it I panicked. Suddenly as I was still crying in my chair, I realized the beeping had turned to a long note. I had become very quiet. I stared at the doors to the emergency room. After a few minutes, one of the doctors came out. He stared at him shaking as he walked towards me.
“Ma’am,” he greeted. I did not say a thing. “I’m sorry, but we…lost him.” Tears rushed out of my eyes and I cried as loud as I could. I don’t remember what I said while I was crying, but the doctor was trying to calm me though his efforts were in vain.
“Ma’am please he told me to tell you something,” he said. I suddenly hushed twitching trying to hold my tears in. “He said he was sorry he couldn’t take you to the expensive restaurant.” I knew what he was talking about. The expensive restaurant was our nickname for the place. It was also where we had first met. “He also said he will always love you and to look in your purse,” the doctor finished. Unable to hold my tears back, I searched through my purse. I found a small little box. My tears increased vastly when I opened it and found a ring inside it. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Leja
Slightly more inclined to writing than previously
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 20 Mar 2007
Posts: 2707
Reviews: 788
Country: my locker
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 11:46 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hello there! What you have here is a story, while the Writers Corner is for talking about your stories and other such rambles. So I'll go ahead and move this to... Romantic Fiction. ^_^
Also, a quick note on format: I'm sure you had it spaced nicely in a Word document and such prior to posting it here, but unfortunately, when one posts things in the forums, tab spacing and a few other quirks are lost. Hence, it's helpful if you go back through and put a space between paragraphs to make it much easier to read (ex: this post).
Let me know if you have questions about anything and I'll be happy to help!
Phew! Now on to the critique:
| Quote: |
| It seemed like it was hours before they got there when really it was only 15 minutes. The longest time I had ever been through. |
Watch out for sections like this; you don't want to have to explain things away, but instead, use words and description to make the reader feel the agony of those long fifteen minutes. Slow down the story is one way to do this, taking a long time to describe everything.
In general, try to show more than tell. Get inside the main character's head. Don't just say that they forced her back to the waiting room, show how she was so emotional about that. Try describing things more internal to her than external, or, how she sees the world instead of how other people see her seeing the world.
G'luck! |
_________________
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kadie
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 21 Jan 2008
Posts: 166
Reviews: 38
Country: Sheffield, UK
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 5:54 pm Post subject: Re: One Night |
|
|
I agree with Amelia. I think you need to slow things down a little and describe them in much more detail.
Also, you should try not to have too many short/choppy sentences. They're great in most cases. But here it just kinda sounds boring, like you're stating a list of facts or something.
| Eric511 wrote: |
It was a Saturday night when it happened. It was supposed to be such a great night. It was our five year anniversary. I could not believe he had been my boyfriend for five years. |
This has the potential to be a really great story, so i hope you choose to edit it, and add in more description and then re post it. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
thehitchhiker
New Member
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 24 Jan 2008
Posts: 2
Reviews: 1
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 11:31 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hey there. I'm not exactly a professional and I struggle a lot with my own writing, so I'll just speak from an average reader's POV.
You know something that happens to me when I'm suddenly in the mood to write? When the perfect story idea just bursts into my head, I type like a madman. But when re-reading, I usually realize that I've left out some things that I had wanted to write in the first draft.
I think something of the same sort has happened with your story here.  The previous two reviewers have asked for more detail - I think they're right. You might have written it all in one sitting. That's cool - it's the first step. Now it's time to add, chop etc.
Two lines caught my eye, so I'll just point them out, ok?
"I told him I’d pay, but he insisted that he would pay and that I should keep everything in my purse."
I think it's ok to say:
I offered to pay but he insisted I keep everything in my purse.
"Kicking and screaming, they forced me back into the waiting room."
This line happens to be an ambiguous sentence in SAT lingo. It seems like the nurses were kicking and screaming to force you back.
So you could say something like:
They forced me into the waiting room while I kicked and screamed in protest.
As far as the story goes, you have pretty much the whole skinny in place. It's got a lot of potential I hope you'll re-edit it soon. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
yoha_ahoy
yoyo
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 28 Aug 2005
Posts: 938
Reviews: 379
Country: living through my third eye
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 1:19 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Yes, slow it down, especially the beginning, and please, please, please space out your paragraphs. Normally won't read a ginormous block of text, but this was short enough. So space your paraghraphs, and other than that, I think everyone else covered it! Keep writing! And welcome to the YWS! 
~Yoyo  |
_________________
@(^_^)@ Got YWS? Rick, FTW!
Visit my Site!!!: yoha_ahoy's website
Need something to critique? Check out Circus Pirates!
Need a critique instead? Then visit Yoyo's Crit Requests! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Eric511
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 18 Nov 2007
Posts: 24
Reviews: 3
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 2:46 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Alright Thanks for giving me some help. thank you so much for all your guy's advice. I'll fix it up a bit and repost it in awhile. After rereading it i understand what you guy's mean. Thanks for reading it and stuff. I'll post the final draft sometime |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
PerforatedxHearts
shut up, i'm nanoing.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 06 May 2007
Posts: 388
Reviews: 116
Country: United States
216 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 2:27 am Post subject: |
|
|
Ditto everyone.
This sounds more like a Chicken Soup for the Lover's Soul, or whatever.
Make it sound like an actual story, not a come-and-go thing. That's what I was feeling like when I read this. |
_________________
"Video games don't affect kids. If Pacman had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills, and listening to repetitive electronic music." --anonymous/banner.
NANOWRIMO2008 |
|
| Back to top |
|
omgafilangi
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 10 Jan 2008
Posts: 164
Reviews: 66
Country: the twilight zone
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 4:40 am Post subject: |
|
|
This story reads like you were telling someone the story and this is the manuscrpit of what you said to them. You use phrases like "this festival thing", which sounds just like someone would if they were speaking informally or storytelling really undescriptively. This works in some stories if it's clear that that's the effect the author is going for. Here I'm not sure that's what you were trying to do. Try and use at least a little more formal language (and, like what others have said, more description!) One other quick thing:
“Hand over that wallet and you can walk away!” (he TELLS them all they need to do is give him the wallet...) he shouted. Scared I tossed the wallet at him. He picked it up with the gun still aimed at us. Jason was tense and kept making sure I was behind him.
“Do think this is a joke!” he shouted throwing the wallet on the ground and shaking his gun at us. “I want money damn it! (wouldn't there be money in a wallet??) Give me your purse! (but he told them just to give him the wallet...)”
Obviously that bit needs some maintenance. This story has a pretty good foundation, and it has some potential to be decent, but first you really need to clean it up. Good luck! |
_________________
NaPoWriMo
The purpose of life is to fight maturity
-Dick Werthimer |
|
| Back to top |
|
Blank_Ink
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 28 Jan 2008
Posts: 22
Reviews: 15
Country: Somewhere with merry-go-rounds
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 1:47 am Post subject: |
|
|
The story has potential. I love the agony of it- as weird as that may sound. I do agree with Amelia's post. The best writers have the gift of making their reader see what they see. I'm sure you have that gift, it just takes a little editing. ^_^
Watch out for fragments. They suck, to say the least.
At least you don't have constant trouble with comma splices like I do. ^_^
Later, Gator and good luck! |
_________________
"Hey," said Shadow. "Huginn or Muninn, or whoever you are."
The bird turned, head tipped suspiciously on one side, and it stared at him with bright eyes.
"Say 'Nevermore,' " said Shadow.
"Bite me," said the raven |
|
| Back to top |
|
Alice
Disaster Zone
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 5332
Reviews: 259
Country: In a book or a story, anywhere but here
402 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 7:53 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hello!
It'd be a lot easier to read if you put spaces between each paragraph dear, just hit enter twice instead of tab when you're typing it in microsoft word.
| Quote: |
| It was a Saturday night when it happened. It was supposed to be such a great night. It was our five year anniversary. I could not believe he had been my boyfriend for five years. We brought up marriage a few times, but never really talked it through. We were happy though. I loved Jason so much. He was taking me on a date to some restaurant. He wouldn’t tell me where it was. We were driving and he said he needed to stop by the bank so he could pay for dinner. I told him I’d pay, but he insisted that he would pay and that I should keep everything in my purse. I didn’t understand at the time what he meant. We had just gotten back from this festival thing that was going on in our city. It was about eight o’clock. We drove up to the bank and parked the car. Even though he was just going to the ATM in front of the car, I came with him. Holding hands, we walked up to the ATM. |
This should be split up a bit, you go from describing who you are and who he is to the action part. While you have good transition it makes it seem very rushed.
| Quote: |
| “Can you hand me my wallet?” he asked. As I was digging through my purse I saw a man walking slowly toward us. Jason saw him too and maneuvered in front of me watching him suspiciously.poorly worded I slowlyseems like she'd be a tad more urgent than that, perhaps saying "I tried to be as calm as I could as I... brought the wallet out of my purse. Jason still stood in front of me. The man kept coming closer. Jason followed him with his eyes. I saw the man eye the wallet I was holding. Suddenly he pulled a gun Jason quickly covered my body with his own. |
The end seems choppy and rushed, slightly annoying to tell you the truth.
| Quote: |
Hand over that wallet and you can walk away!” he shouted. Scared I tossed the wallet at him. He picked it up with the gun still aimed at us. Jason was tense and kept making sure I was behind him.
“Do think this is a joke!” he shouted throwing the wallet on the ground and shaking his gun at us. “I want the money damn it! Give me your purse!” I got out from behind Jason and extended my arm holding the strap of the purse. Just as the man snatched the purse from my hand, my stubborn boyfriend lunged at the man. Teehee, nice way to insult your boyfriend as he's saving your life, something I'd do. I stood in shock. Jason held the man’s hand with the gun pointed away. I screamed as the gun fired three times into the air. Jason with his left hand began to punch the man in the face. |
Too theatric for me, it seemed like something that would better be put on television than in a book. And most girls would cover their eyes when the fun fired once even if they were screaming.
| Quote: |
| The man dropped the gun and fell down. Jason pushed the man away and grabbed the purse. I watched in horror as Jason picked up the gun and when he turned around to face the man, he had pulled out another gun from his jacket pocket and pulled the trigger. This time the air was not the only thing that was struck. I screamed as Jason began to fall backwards and the man sprinted away. Yelling and screaming I ran to Jason, tears streaming down my face. He was alive. I immediately pulled my cell from my purse and called 911. It seemed like it was hours before they got there when really it was only 15 minutes. The longest time I had ever been through. As we waited, he kept telling me it will be alright, that he was ok. Jason had never lied to me before. The ambulance came and had Jason and he rushing to the hospital. As we rode in the ambulance, I could not control my emotions and kept on crying. When we got to the hospital, they made me wait outside of the emergency room as they took Jason in. I tried to force my way in, but was held back by one of the nurses. Kicking and screaming, they forced me back into the waiting room. Finally I sat in the waiting room clutching my purse. One of the nurses had called Jason and my parents and they were on their way. I could barely hear the pulse monitor. It beeped slowly. Every time I heard it I panicked. Suddenly as I was still crying in my chair, I realized the beeping had turned to a long note. I had become very quiet. I stared at the doors to the emergency room. After a few minutes, one of the doctors came out. He stared at him shaking as he walked towards me. |
Again rushed, you need to spread it out more, it is a short story but its annoyingly choppy.
| Quote: |
“Ma’am,” he greeted. I did not say a thing. “I’m sorry, but we…lost him.” Tears rushed out of my eyes and I cried as loud as I could. I don’t remember what I said while I was crying, but the doctor was trying to calm me though his efforts were in vain.
“Ma’am please he told me to tell you something,” he said. I suddenly hushed twitching trying to hold my tears in. “He said he was sorry he couldn’t take you to the expensive restaurant.” I knew what he was talking about. The expensive restaurant was our nickname for the place. It was also where we had first met. “He also said he will always love you and to look in your purse,” the doctor finished. Unable to hold my tears back, I searched through my purse. I found a small little box. My tears increased vastly when I opened it and found a ring inside it. |
Sad ending, the sort of thing I like. But not quite sad enough to enduse tears. What would help with the crying thing~should that be what you want to do with this. I find when killing characters thats what most people want~is to give us some more background on the characters, let us get to know them better. Perhaps even go on some more at the end about something special about the box, like a picture of them on the inside before she sees the ring.
Them maybe have her struggle for a minute or two trying to remember what "the expensive resturant" is, she is after all incredibuly upset and when you're like that you can sometimes find it hard to think straight, perhaps even a little bit of denial there, have her concious of screaming that the doctor was a lying bastard and stuff to that sort. That'd tug at the heart strings a little bit.
All the best with fixing it up, you'd better pm me when you edit okayees?
~The hopeless romantic~
~~~Alice~~~ |
_________________
I'm Alice.
For the record, I'm not a crack addict, I don't chase rabits wearing waistcoats down holes, and I can't see the future.
And if you don't get any of those you epic fail. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kepe
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 22 Dec 2007
Posts: 175
Reviews: 71
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 8:02 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| So all in all the story was sad, but if you want to make it fantastic you have to let us get to know the characters a bit more and to sympathize with them. Good luck! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Eric511
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 18 Nov 2007
Posts: 24
Reviews: 3
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 11:43 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Alright thanks soo much you guys make it so much easier to edit this. Thanks again. : ) |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
