Topic ID: 24865
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
UNiiV3RSALWRiiT3R
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 01 Feb 2008
Posts: 19
Reviews: 13
Country: Da hood..
300 Points
|
 Posted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 8:38 pm Post subject: |
 |
|
| I really loved this...i will read your others as soon as I can. I dont see anything really seriously wrong with this chapter...well done |
_________________
Hey look at this...I think its good..Tell me what you think of it.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic25536.html |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4.
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 19 Jan 2008
Posts: 1859
Reviews: 370
Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 8:41 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Thanks very much! Nice to meet you, I'm Mark. Have you posted anything? I'll have a loom I think. |
_________________
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 09 May 2005
Posts: 3825
Reviews: 647
Country: Building a bridge to Elizabeth's heart and guiding her to mines.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 8:46 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Okay I shall begin Aedomir. Most of major things been pointed out before me. You've still not fixed this.
| Quote: |
| a jet black ground had burnt from the ice |
WTF! What is this, I've no image do you mean a hole, a crater, a interdimesional portal? Seriously I'm confused like Errant. You're trying to be too articulate and frankly it's coming out like garbage here. I'm trying to help just wordiness isn't everything if it's simple keep it simple.
This part just makes me laugh... sorry..
| Quote: |
| heaving swords handle first towards the now charging swarms. |
I've yet to see anyone waving sword blade first, they're either incrediably suicidal if they do or stupid. The point is it's uneeded expression. We know how to use a sword. Just cut out handle first.
Overall you did a great battle scene, I liked it, just those few things and others done the rest. I'll now read chapter 2.
Good luck
VSN |
_________________
We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag] |
|
| Back to top |
|
Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4.
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 19 Jan 2008
Posts: 1859
Reviews: 370
Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 9:40 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Ye, I hardly find chpt 1 as my favourite lol. #8 is my favoruite |
_________________
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Shadow_Theif13
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 27 Jan 2008
Posts: 62
Reviews: 32
Country: Depths of Tartarus
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 10:27 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I'm not going to do the grammar critique because everyone else pretty much covered that.
This was the best thing I've ever read on here. To me even better than Harry Potter 
I look forward to reading more of The Immortals. 
ST |
_________________
'Dark and Light balance each other, but Love conquers all.'~Me |
|
| Back to top |
|
Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4.
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 19 Jan 2008
Posts: 1859
Reviews: 370
Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 5:09 pm Post subject: |
|
|
! Harry Potter! Thanks a lot!
I am in the process of rewritng this chapter, but it will do for now. Thank you!` |
_________________
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Gadi.
that was good ... for your age
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 06 Aug 2007
Posts: 996
Reviews: 394
Country: under the covers
190 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 7:17 pm Post subject: |
|
|
So there were a couple mistakes many people pointed out that you still didn't fix, like "dieing", and many more. Another thing that sort of annoyed me is " The Guardian would be ready soon… just keep holding… seven minutes… eight... He threw his sword-grasped fist into the air. " This was sort of all over the place. Maybe if you write the seconds in separate paragraphs, it could work.
This was okay. Normally, I don't like Fantasy Fiction, but this was good. Your style was very distinct and certainly Tolkien-like, though I am not saying that it's a good thing.
Mostly, I think that this story isn't the least original. Those names are too "fantasy", and it seems almost like the next Eragon.
Sorry...but truly, you should stick to originality, rather than imitation. |
_________________
my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away |
|
| Back to top |
|
Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4.
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 19 Jan 2008
Posts: 1859
Reviews: 370
Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 7:53 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| To be fair, I wrote this AGES ago. Believe me, it has come a long way since. I don't go for imitation, can I just say. If my style is similar to Tolkien's then so be it. Thanks though. |
_________________
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Artecila
Junior Writer
Age: 14
Joined: 05 Mar 2008
Posts: 26
Reviews: 21
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 11:12 pm Post subject: |
|
|
There's nothing wrong with being Tolkien-like, his style was world building rather then Epic fantasy. This is good, I liked it, but it seems so has everyone else in here. I decided to start reviewing your stuff from the beginning, since it makes more sense also. You have 12 pieces up now, that's pretty good, I've flipped through some of them before, but I couldn't help but notice a few things. You always seem to go for description rather then emotional writing, that is probably the greatest weak point I can find.
What is it like to be in battle, why are they compelled to fight. Also... everything Vernon said, which is taking from Errant, should be fixed up. I'm glad you keep putting up more of the story, but please make some corrections! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4.
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 19 Jan 2008
Posts: 1859
Reviews: 370
Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Mar 09, 2008 12:04 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Don't worry, Ia am rewriting chapter one entirely. And you may find the piece in the Advanced Critques to be of more help, it includes the entire first 7 parts + a new chapter. |
_________________
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human. |
|
| Back to top |
|
JFW1415
Team SPEW
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Jun 2007
Posts: 1288
Reviews: 367
Country: USA
1002 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 4:42 pm Post subject: |
|
|
 |
_________________
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. -Oscar Wilde
Join the CIA.
In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4.
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 19 Jan 2008
Posts: 1859
Reviews: 370
Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 4:55 pm Post subject: |
|
|
That is great! Thanks, as I have said, I hate this most likely more than you and I feel I can myself love it too.
Thank you! |
_________________
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Angel of Death
I love you. I swear I do.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 872
Reviews: 409
Country: Where the big star in the sky doesn't leave
1533 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 2:30 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Which do you prefer Mark or Aedomir? Well anyways Hi!! I haven't critiqued any of your work yet sorry, but I am not much of a critique artist. To get to the point I had promised myself that I would comment more on your writings so here I am. I must say that you have an artists hand. You painted the picture of the battle quite magically. I'm going to keep on reading.
P.S. You may remember me under the name Summer,
P.S.S Sorry about the long comment, its a habit of mine. |
_________________
"Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me |
|
| Back to top |
|
Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4.
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 19 Jan 2008
Posts: 1859
Reviews: 370
Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 4:18 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Hehe! Thnaks Summer. Not a long comment, thanks for the crit. |
_________________
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Darkhalm7_Melissa
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 22 Mar 2008
Posts: 30
Reviews: 30
Country: Hidden within the dark caverns of the Earth, leading to a world I call my own.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 11:37 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I must say this was an exhilarating piece! Excuse me if I spelled that wrong...Any mistakes I believed have been covered by those before me.
I look forward to reading more of your work.
D7M |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
