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Tempest
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Country: England I think
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 Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 2:35 pm Post subject: |
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Woah! This is really good. I like your writing style a lot. I was left wondering about "The Guardian" and would have liked to know a little more about it, but I'm sure you'll cover that in later parts. I'll be sure to read any more of this you post.
~Tempest
P.S Did people seriously tell you that you couldn't write  ? They obviosuly don't know what they're talking about. You're right to steer clear of people like this you're really good  . |
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PenguinAttack
Dangerously cute.
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| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 2:39 pm Post subject: Re: Path of the Strider: The Immortals |
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Hallo there! Welcome to YWS. ^^
| aedomir wrote: |
Fourteen muddy rangers aimed their swords towards the countless Kalbarcs. Each bearer muttered a silent prayer under their breath. Just the weak circle of exiles, back to back on the summit of Mount Suntary stood between hordes of leather-clad savages and complete conquest of the known world. |
You say “each” then use “their” it creates a conflict as to single or plural – if they’re all men, use “his” or “her” if they’re all women, if it is a mix... actually, re-reading this, a silent prayer does not constitute as being “under their breath” at all. Take that part out, it’s not needed.
Comma after “Suntary” and I would suggest using “this” instead of “the” as using “the” makes us slightly confused as to *who* you’re talking about.
| aedomir wrote: |
The fingers trembled over the weapons, yet none lowered. Veils of fear and dread swept across their faces, but it was the sudden inspiration of vengeance that inspired an embracing strength. Retribution was ought to their comrades; each now face down in crimson snow. |
“Their” instead of “the”. “it was the sudden inspiration of vengeance that inspired them” the second “inspired” becomes redundant, I would suggest taking it out and altering the end of the sentence to “that embraced strength” “ought” I think you meant “owed”.
| aedomir wrote: |
No end to the swarms of Kalbarcs, each tearing through the misty pines looked in sight. The end to the chase was far and the end to these dark days even further. Only a bitter ending had been unmasked. Death awaited them. |
You repeat “end” or a variation on it three times in the one paragraph, that’s too much. It becomes noticeable and stands out – I suggest re wording your sentences a little to change the word usage. Comma after “pines” this sentence is a little convoluted, perhaps if you said “looked to be in sight” ... I’m not sure, but it needs some work.
| aedomir wrote: |
Overhead, what should have been the product of a shimmering twilight, fused into a burnt orange. The Kalbarcs, nimble purple statures secreted foul stenches that stroke even the rangers, a closing distance away. |
This is a *very* convoluted paragraph. Add “had” before “fused”, “statures”? I think you mean “statues” add a comma after this. “stroke”? ... I’m not sure what word you meant here, but you’ve used to wrong one. The use of “closing” distance indicates that the rangers are moving are they? You’ve given us no indication of this, I was under the impression they were immobile.
| aedomir wrote: |
No side to the peak bore an escape. |
Why not say “the peak bore no escape”? It’s clearer and more to the point.
| aedomir wrote: |
The goblin-like creatures that leapt between obstacles and ledges rapidly closed in. Each leap brought nothing but a pounding heart to the outlaws. |
Are they outlaws or exiles? One does not mean the other, necessarily; you’ll need to stick to one term until it can be explained.
| aedomir wrote: |
They raised their blades for the clash. Sweat and chattering teeth began to overcome them and they neared the verge to succumb to devilry before the front wave skidded to a break in the snow. |
What devilry? It’s not necessary, leaving it at “succumb” is a nice statement. “as” instead of “and” full stop after “devilry” and use “Just as” instead of “before” – it brings about a better sense of suspense.
| aedomir wrote: |
In turn, the outlaws glanced at one another, not daring to bash an eyelid. |
“bat an eyelid”
| aedomir wrote: |
The sight that greeted them boiled their blood and sucked away the breath from their bodies. It presented no malice; in fact it had rekindled their hope. |
Remove” had” and add a comma after “fact”
...
Okay, I’m going to halt there, as I’ve pointed out all the main points you need to look at for your entire story.
You have a small problem with word usage, the right word to use and when, but that can be fixed rather easily, read over your work thoroughly, if it sounds odd, it’s probably wrong.
You have a real problem with your structure. Your sentences tend to be slightly convoluted so that the reader loses thread of the meaning, or merely cannot comprehend what you’re trying to say. As others above me have pointed out, taking out all the adjectives will be a start, even if it’s just to see how much more sense you can make.
Your punctuation doesn’t help with this at all. Sometimes a sentence can make a world more sense if you add a comma or full stop in there somewhere. Again, read your work out loud, if you feel you need to take a pause, or a breath, there needs to be punctuation in there.
I’ve not gone through everything, as you’ve had some thorough crits before me. I like the story itself, and would like to see more. Have a real good read over of your work, and take all the given points in hand and see what you can do, this has real potential.
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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deleted1
Senior Writer
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| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 4:17 pm Post subject: |
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Oh Tempest...I don't know if that was a side shot at people trying to help here, but Snoink's advice was solid, and I mean REALLY solid. If you broke down the writing by removing all the flashy adjectives and adverbs, much of the work was poorly structured sentences that were unclear or confusing.
And I seem to remember you thinking it was 'OK' in chat about the highlighted pieces PA. :/ Well, I'm glad more experienced critics could help the structure aspect. That was definately needed, but since Snoink has gone with a really a good system for character design, take it and run with it.
Typically, I like a page or more for main character looks, two pages on personality and three pages on a brief back story. This 1, 2, 3 approach I came up with is modeled after old RP games I played. So I am not sure if any other fantasy other has a simple target like I do...but in any case here's something you might want to try:
If you are new to writing or elaborate character design, pick up a free template for D&D style characters. This is fantasy, but even for modern characters a WTF (no seriously) template works just fine. White Wolf is modern, perhaps you heard of Mage or VTM. Previous creations that guide you along in keeping track and knowing things about your character.
Come up with basic stats, weight, age, height, body type, hair color, eye color, facial hair, scars, general appearance and intelligence as well as the true nature and demeanor of a person. (All of these are standard on a D&D sheet as well lol)
Next would come up with personality, things like religion and beliefs, the moral codes and conflicts that arise from a character. Even battle hardened warriors will have a distaste for booze, some might be gay or have a fondness for soft things or even puppies. All different kinds of people exist in the world, you don't send fourteen Rambos to a fight.
Then the last part would be the back story, this is the complex part. You have what your characters look and act like, but you need to explain why. This is a perfect part to link people together and establish bonds within a group or to some relationship problems. Its what makes your character tick and usually should be a great insight into why a person behaves in the manner they do.
With fully fleshed out characters, even in the midst of battle, they will stand out and be full characters rather then in the background. Such comes to mind of Tolkien, but other notes of importance would be Berserk's Gatts, Claska and Griffith and the other members of the Hawks. |
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Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4.
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| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 6:26 pm Post subject: |
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Why in the world are goblins Arabs!?
erm... wtf? Who said anything about Arabs? Please Reply lol |
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Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4.
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| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 6:34 pm Post subject: |
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I don't realy know what to say here, I've had some great advice, and very clearly to sides to my style.
OK, some of you hate it. Many of you have said that I overuse words to hide a weak sentence structure. Well, I;ve had such problems with showing this to other people. I suppose its like Marmite, love it or hate it...
Others say I have potential and my work is great...
I am really not sure who to go with, you are all trying to help. I have noticed that after about 18 years old everyone hates it lol. I suppose I am aiming it to teens as opposed to young adult...
Im not sure, but I will be carrying on with the story, I feel very happy there.
Thanks |
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Tempest
Junior Writer
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Country: England I think
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| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 7:15 pm Post subject: |
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[quote="Errant"]
| Quote: |
Oh Tempest...I don't know if that was a side shot at people trying to help here, but Snoink's advice was solid, and I mean REALLY solid. If you broke down the writing by removing all the flashy adjectives and adverbs, much of the work was poorly structured sentences that were unclear or confusing.
And I seem to remember you thinking it was 'OK' in chat about the highlighted pieces PA. :/ Well, I'm glad more experienced critics could help the structure aspect. That was definately needed, but since Snoink has gone with a really a good system for character design, take it and run with it. |
what  I was reffering to when he said he showed a similar piece to his friend who said he couldn't write to save your life- that wasn't directed at any of the reviewers. |
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I mean, there was a serious international effort to say to Saddam Hussein, you're a threat. And the 9/11 attacks extenuated that threat, as far as I-concerned." --George W. Bush, Philadelphia, Dec. 12, 2005.... lol -.- |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 8:25 pm Post subject: |
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No worries Tempest! I lubs you. 
And I don't hate your story, lol. If I hated it, I wouldn't even bother with staying up late and working on that hideously long critique. I just want you to write the best of your ability. There's a difference! 
But with that said, you should probably just write the story, see where it runs to, and then edit it to perfection, like it seems like you're going to do. My critique is mostly after the thing has been written... |
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Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4.
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| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 8:30 pm Post subject: |
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| Ye, sorry, I didn;t mean it like that. It was kind of you to write that long critique, thanks. |
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We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
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2. Human. |
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deleted1
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| Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 9:29 am Post subject: |
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You used the scimitar on the goblins. 
Its your story, but I usually home in on what nature or style the writer uses even from the weapons they choose for their enemies. Goblins don't exactly seem to fit with anything more then crude blades, but they got their hands on a very fine sword type called a scimitar, one that takes great skill to use effectively.
Don't think much of it, but I was just a bit puzzled why goblins would have such weapons. |
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Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4.
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| Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 5:14 pm Post subject: |
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| thanks for all the critcs everyone |
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We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human. |
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Shreksurmum
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| Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 7:26 pm Post subject: |
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Well, personally i think the story so far is great! now there was some grammar mistakes e.t.c but im not going to bother you with that because everyone else has, keep writing because i really want to read the whole of this story, it sounds great!
Shrekurmum |
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Overclock
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| Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 7:34 pm Post subject: |
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| I like it dude! It's very tolkien-y, but its also kinda bleak in the sense of battle and all that. I like it. You've got talent my man, I'm gonna go read your other stuff now |
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Made_In_Demise
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| Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 11:42 pm Post subject: Re: The Immortals #1 |
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And just when I thought all 14 year old guy's completely sucked at everything here you are with your writing. I just have a few comments and a few complaints.
One thing that annoyed me was this part:
| Quote: |
| No end to the swarms of Kalbarcs, each tearing through the misty pines looked in sight. The end to the chase was far and the end to these dark days even further. Only a bitter ending had been unmasked. Death awaited them. |
Too much use of the word 'end,' I think. Unless you were going for something like that.
I would offer some grammar tips but it seems that about five other people beat me to it.
Nice battle scene. I found myself drifting off as I read it, though...I suppose it's good as a whole, though. The only thing that's really keeping me read it is the promise of some outlaws. I've actually been contemplating my own thing with bandits...for about a year now. XD |
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darkdove
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| Posted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 5:33 pm Post subject: |
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| I love how you write its amazing. Its like i was pulled into the story. I felt snow everywhere..this was awesome. |
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Rael13
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| Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 3:32 am Post subject: |
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Hey
I've read that first chapter, looks really interesting, nice fast-paced action scene.
I'ma gonna read a bit more later, but I am tiredand I'm gonna get to bed.
The first three chapters of my novel are posted on my blog if you'd like to read 'em. I'll put more on if you request it
g'night all! |
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