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Teh Wozzinator
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 Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 2:44 pm Post subject: The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 4) On Trial |
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here's chapter four
Four <^> On Trial
The police caught the young man, after about an hour-long chase, and brought him into a small building that smelled like eggs. The man hated the smell of eggs. An officer—the one who had been driving the squad vehicle—sat across from him, and looked the chained man in the eye.
“So,” the cop said, “our records say that your name is Dante—”
“Yep,” the young man interrupted, “that’s me, Dante, Dante Retardo.”
The cop looked at him angrily. “You are Dante Ricardo, and we have you down for theft”—Dante laughed—“illegal smuggling”—Dante shrugged—“and assault—”
Dante broke out and said, “What? Assault? Who did I assault? Oh, that kid with the old BB gun that I pushed over. He landed on his bed. And he fell like one foot.”
Ignoring him, the cop went on, saying, “Your most recent crime happened just hours ago, when you stole the key to the northern door of the Gray-side Tower. Why was this?”
“I don’t know, I just wanted to see the inside, my pa always told me about it before—before…he disappeared.” Dante felt a tear roll down his cheek.
“Your father died from falling off a roof a month before you were born. Your mother left you with a friend of hers, is this not correct?”
“Yeah, it is.” The friend Dante made the space call to had lived with him for the first 18 years of their lives. That was why he had been influenced so much—they had practically been brothers.
“And now I must add yet another crime to your book—”
“Look, can we just get on with it?”
“You have the right to remain silent!”
“Well sure, I always have the right to remain silent! It just matters whether I’m allowed to talk or not!”
The cop gritted his teeth. “Okay…then,” he said, “you only…speak…when I…tell you to! Understand?”
“Sure man, whatever you say.”
The cop sighed. “All right, then. Now, I must add another crime to your book, as I already said.”
“Cool,” Dante said. “What crime is it now?”
The cop groaned. He was really starting to dislike this job. Funny how it only took one person to stop you. But he continued his sentence. “Speeding,” he said, “and running away from the authorities. In other words…me. And I should have you down for speaking insolently to a cop. Also me. How does that sound? Being a criminal’s fun, until you get caught, don’t you think?”
“No, I think totally differently. It’d be a good change of scenery, y’know. Go to jail for a couple of months, break out, get out on the run again. It’s just part of the experience, I guess…you don’t know what it’s like if you don’t get caught, right?”
“Yes,” the cop said, his face turning red. “So I’ll lock you up. But I’ll make sure you don’t escape. However, first I need to give you your ticket for speeding.”
“Okay. Do you take credit card?”
Dante didn’t know why he was acting this way. He usually wasn’t much of a criminal, and this was crazy for him. He thought about it for a while. First, if they searched him (which of course, they would do), they’d take the space phone away. So his friend wouldn’t be able to call, but it still wasn’t likely that he would call. And maybe jail would keep him out of trouble for a while, and give him time to think of a plan. But he would be such a sitting duck. If Rock came…Dante was as good as gone. He wished he hadn’t gotten caught. Now there was no way to run away. It was definitely worse stuck in prison.
thanks for getting to this point...please give me edits, cuz i think that this was the roughest of my chapters. and btw, you'll find out a LOT about the past in the next chapter. |
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| Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 5:29 pm Post subject: |
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^_^ Much much better. Still quite interesting too.
=P So looks like I skipped commenting on 3, it was good as well though. My mind is kind of blank lately, so if you'd like a better critique (you know, phrase structure, grammar, stuff like that) lemme know.  |
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Aet Lindling
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| Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 7:31 pm Post subject: Re: The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 4) On Trial |
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| SirWozzell wrote: |
here's chapter four
Four <^> On Trial
The police caught the young man, after about an hour-long chase, and brought him into a small building that smelled like eggs. The man hated the smell of eggs. This is an unnecessary infodump, you could probably do without it. An officer—the one who had been driving the squad vehicle—sat across from him, and looked the chained man in the eye. You need spaces after those dashes
“So,” the cop said, “our records say that your name is Dante—”
“Yep,” the young man interrupted, “that’s me, Dante, Dante Retardo.” You should get rid of that first Dante.
The cop looked at him angrily. “You are Dante Ricardo, and we have you down for theft”—Dante laughed—“illegal smuggling”—Dante shrugged—“and assault—” Once again, space the dashes, and "Dante shrugged" should probably be "he shrugged".
Dante broke out and said, “What? Assault? Who did I assault? Oh, that kid with the old BB gun that I pushed over. He landed on his bed. And he fell like one foot.” Broke out is a bit awkward, since he's a criminal it makes it sound like he's breaking out of a prison or other government facility.
Ignoring him, the cop went on, saying, “Your most recent crime happened just hours ago, when you stole the key to the northern door of the Gray-side Tower. Why was this?” Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure you didn't spell Gray-side with a hyphen before.
“I don’t know, I just wanted to see the inside, my pa always told me about it before—before…he disappeared.” Dante felt a tear roll down his cheek.
“Your father died from falling off a roof a month before you were born. Your mother left you with a friend of hers, is this not correct?”
This is a bit sudden and cheesy, I'd suggest reworking the previous chapter to mention his father and his death. I know you say the next chapter will explain, but you should probably mention it beforehand, like add something in while the chase is going on that triggers memories, then make the cop almost catch up and have him stop thinking about it. Still cheesy, but not as.
“Yeah, it is.” The friend Dante made the space call to had lived with him for the first 18 years of their lives. That was why he had been influenced so much—they had practically been brothers.
“And now I must add yet another crime to your book—”
“Look, can we just get on with it?”
“You have the right to remain silent!”
“Well sure, I always have the right to remain silent! It just matters whether I’m allowed to talk or not!”
The cop gritted his teeth. “Okay…then,” he said, “you only…speak…when I…tell you to! Understand?” Space your ellipses, put a space after each one.
“Sure man, whatever you say.”
The cop sighed. “All right, then. Now, I must add another crime to your book, as I already said.” He seems too formal. Remember, court judges and police chiefs and people like that are strict, but this guy is just someone who got the job, no one special, make him a more loosened up, normal character.
“Cool,” Dante said. “What crime is it now?”
The cop groaned. He was really starting to dislike this job. Funny how it only took one person to stop you. But he continued his sentence. Get rid of "But he continued his sentence.", it works much better without it, and looks more Colfer-ish, which I assume is what you were trying to do.  “Speeding,” he said, “and running away from the authorities. In other words…me. And I should have you down for speaking insolently to a cop. Also me. How does that sound? Being a criminal’s fun, until you get caught, don’t you think?” There doesn't need to be a comma in between fun and until.
“No, I think totally differently. It’d be a good change of scenery, y’know. Go to jail for a couple of months, break out, get out on the run again. It’s just part of the experience, I guess…you don’t know what it’s like if you don’t get caught, right?” Space after the ellipse... btw, I like this paragraph. (and while I didn't mean to do that, my ellipse is a good example.  )
“Yes,” the cop said, his face turning red. “So I’ll lock you up. But I’ll make sure you don’t escape. However, first I need to give you your ticket for speeding.”
“Okay. Do you take credit card?”
Dante didn’t know why he was acting this way. He usually wasn’t much of a criminal, and this was crazy for him. He thought about it for a while. First, if they searched him (which of course, they would do), [b]Just replace the parentheses with commas. they’d take the space phone away. So his friend wouldn’t be able to call, but it still wasn’t likely that he would call. And maybe jail would keep him out of trouble for a while, and give him time to think of a plan. But he would be such a sitting duck. If Rock came…Dante was as good as gone. Ellipse space. He wished he hadn’t gotten caught. Now there was no way to run away. It was definitely worse stuck in prison. I'd suggest merging the previous two sentences into one with a comma, like so: Now there was no way to run away, it was definitely worse stuck in prison.
thanks for getting to this point...please give me edits, cuz i think that this was the roughest of my chapters. and btw, you'll find out a LOT about the past in the next chapter. |
I don't really have much to say on the plot, it's moving along good. So, just the grammar this time.
~Aet |
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Teh Wozzinator
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| Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 11:01 pm Post subject: |
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thanks aet. umm...i'll see about the edits
one thing tho...Gray-side was always spelled with a hyphen |
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Teh Wozzinator
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| Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 2:51 pm Post subject: |
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| Sleeping Valor wrote: |
^_^ Much much better. Still quite interesting too.
=P So looks like I skipped commenting on 3, it was good as well though. My mind is kind of blank lately, so if you'd like a better critique (you know, phrase structure, grammar, stuff like that) lemme know. |
if you want to do that kind of critique, that's fine...
i've decided that The Magic of Chocolate won't be the name of the book...it'll be the name of the first part...so each part has x chapters, the books has x parts. ok? so...what if i PMed you sometime when i change the name of the part. (if i can, i'll try to put "(part 2 of the magic of chocolate story)" in the subject |
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Teh Wozzinator
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| Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 3:13 pm Post subject: |
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| ok, aet, i've edited it...maybe i'll post the story on nano, and then you can edit it MORE. lol |
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| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 2:48 pm Post subject: |
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Oh great, now I have to match Aet's crit?  Lol, kidding, kidding...I'll try to catch whatever Aet missed.
Btw, you can keep editing your post instead of double-posting, or triple-posting in this case. 
| Quote: |
| The police caught the young man, [no comma necessary] after about an hour-long chase, and brought him into a small building that smelled like [put 'rotten' here or something] eggs. |
| Quote: |
| An officer—the one who had been driving the squad vehicle—sat across from him, and looked the chained man in the eye. |
Actually, you could probably use comma. You can't put spaces between dashes, though, or they won't work.  *huggles Aet*
| Quote: |
| “Yep,” the young man interrupted, “that’s me, Dante, Dante Retardo.” |
He's obviously stalling here. Better punctuation could make it legible. "Yep," the young man interrupted. "That's my name! Dante--Dante Retardo." Retardo?
| Quote: |
Dante broke out and said blurted, “What? Assault? Who did I assault? Oh, that kid with the old BB gun that I pushed over. He landed on his bed. And he fell, like, one a foot.” |
| Quote: |
| “Your most recent crime happened just hours ago, [no comma] when you stole the key to the northern door of the Gray-side Tower. Why was this?” |
| Quote: |
| “I don’t know, I just wanted to see the inside, my pa always told me about it before—before…he disappeared.” Dante felt a tear roll down his cheek. |
*snort* Anyway...[i]"I don't know...I just wanted to see the inside. My pa always told me about it before...before he...disappeared..." Dante felt a tear roll down his cheek.
| Quote: |
| “Your father died from falling off a roof a month before you were born. Your mother left you with a friend of hers, [period] is this not correct?” |
| Quote: |
The friend Dante made the space call to had lived with him for the first 18 eighteen years of their lives. |
Easy number to type out.
| Quote: |
| “And now I must add, yet, [unsure about the commas] another crime to your book—” |
| Quote: |
“You have the right to remain silent!”
“Well sure, I always have the right to remain silent! It just matters whether I’m allowed to talk or not!” |
Um...are these cops fake? No cop would get that wrong...would they? I'd consider rewriting this...
| Quote: |
| “Sure, man, whatever you say.” |
| Quote: |
| Speeding,” he said, “and running away from the authorities. In other words…me. |
"Speeding," he said, "and running away from the authorities--me, in this case."
| Quote: |
| And I should have you down for speaking insolently to a cop. Also me |
And I should have you down for speaking insolently to a cop--also me.
| Quote: |
| Being a criminal’s fun, until you get caught, [triple dots?] don’t you think?” |
| Quote: |
| “Yes [triple dots?],” the cop said, his face turning red. “So I’ll lock you up. But I’ll make sure you don’t escape. However, first I need to give you your ticket for speeding.” |
Repetition of negatives? Before I do that, though, I need to give you your speeding ticket."
| Quote: |
| First, if they searched him (which of course, they would do), they’d take the space phone away. |
Would they not have done that first thing? In case he was armed?
| Quote: |
And maybe jail would keep him out of trouble for a while, [no comma] and give him time to think of a plan. But he would be such a sitting duck. |
| Quote: |
Now there was no way to run away escape this [insert something creative]. It was definitely worse stuck in prison. |
That's all for now. Just watch how your cop is acting. He doesn't seem very realistic...I made my comments above, as did Aet.
Keep writing!
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Teh Wozzinator
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| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 3:12 pm Post subject: |
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for your first edit...i did put rotten at first, but i thought that that sounded way too clichei. and yes, i agree with you about the spaces between dashes--thanks for proving my point *glares at aet*, now since i changed them all, i'm going to have to change them back again...
and about a third of the stuff you mentioned (sorry Jabber) i have edited, but a lot of the punctuation hasn't, so i'll have to do that. thanks again for the edit. |
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| Posted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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| I'm not too good at finding mistakes and whatnot, or maybe I'm just to lazy. I'm just here to enjoy the story, because I really am enjoying it. Things are definitely starting to come together and being less confusing. Keep writing! It's really good. |
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| Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 12:21 am Post subject: |
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Watch the braces:
The police caught the young man, after about an hour-long chase, and brought him into a small building that smelled like eggs. The man hated the smell of eggs. An officer – the one who had been driving the squad vehicle – sat across from him and looked the chained man in the eye.
“So,” the cop said, “our records say that your name is Dante –”
“Yep,” the young man interrupted, “that’s me, Dante, Dante Retardo.”
The cop looked at him angrily{,} “You are Dante Ricardo, and we have you down for theft” – Dante laughed – “illegal smuggling” – Dante shrugged – “and assault –”
Dante broke out {again}, “What? Assault? Who did I assault? Oh, that kid with the old BB gun that I pushed over. He landed on his bed. And he fell like one foot.”
Ignoring him, the cop went on, saying, “Your most recent crime happened just hours ago, when you stole the key to the northern door of the Gray-side Tower. Why was this?”
“I don’t know{.} I just wanted to see the inside, my pa always told me about it before – before. . . he disappeared{,}” Dante felt a tear roll down his cheek.
“Your father died from falling off a roof a month before you were born. Your mother left you with a friend of hers, is this not correct?”
“Yeah, it is{,}” the friend Dante made the space call to had lived with him for the first 18 years of hi{s} li{fe}. That was why he had been influenced so much – they had practically been brothers.
“And now I must add yet another crime to your book –”
“Look, can we just get on with it?”
“You have the right to remain silent!”
“Well{,} sure, I always have the right to remain silent! It just matters whether I’m allowed to talk or not!”
The cop gritted his teeth.
“Okay then,” he said, “you only – speak – when I – tell you to! Understand?”
“Sure{,} man, whatever you say.”
The cop sighed{,} “All right then. Now, I must add another crime to your book, as I already said.”
“Cool,” Dante said{,} “What crime is it now?”
The cop groaned. He was really starting to dislike this job. Funny how it only took one person to stop you. But he continued his sentence.
“Speeding,” he said, “and running away from the authorities. In other words. . . me. And I should have you down for speaking insolently to a cop – also me – how does that sound? Being a criminal’s fun, until you get caught, don’t you think?”
“No, I think totally differently. It’d be a good change of scenery, y’know. Go to jail for a couple of months, break out, get out on the run again. It’s just part of the experience, I guess. . . you don’t know what it’s like if you don’t get caught, right?”
“Yes,” the cop said, his face turning red{,} “So I’ll lock you up. But I’ll make sure you don’t escape. However, first I need to give you your ticket for speeding.”
“Okay. Do you take credit card?”
Dante didn’t know why he was acting this way. He usually wasn’t much of a criminal, and this was crazy for him. He thought about it for a while. First, if they searched him – of course they would – they’d take the space phone away. So his friend wouldn’t be able to call, but it still wasn’t likely that he would call. And maybe jail would keep him out of trouble for a while and give him time to think of a plan. But he would be such a sitting duck. If Rock came{, Dante{'d} be good as gone. He wished he hadn’t gotten caught. Now there was no way to run away. It was definitely worse stuck in prison.
Nuttin' t' say. Keep working. |
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| Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 7:49 pm Post subject: |
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Hey! I'm baaack! (bet you're gettting tired of me saying that, huh?)
This was an ok chapter. The cop wasn't exactly the most well developed character. He was just... blah.
He had a personality and stuff, but he didn't act like a cop. A cop is used to dealing with criminals, so he wouldn't be all ticked off with one that isn't cooperating.
So, great job! I'm going to chapter... idk... what am I on now?
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