Topic ID: 24794
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thething912
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 Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 3:30 am Post subject: My day at the office. |
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It hasn't been edited yet. I need to know what type of stunts will make it more interesting.
The meeting.
People walk into the meeting room and take their seats; the boss sits at the end of the table, away from Garrett.
Boss.
We need to come up with a way to market our new product, I was thinking about coming up with a design team to make a new and original commercial, sense Garrett has made commercials in the past I want him to be the leader of the design team. Those not appointed to the design team, will be responsible for the shipping and production department; we need to make sure that we have enough of our new product to sell to the general public. Well, that is it for now; the meeting is over.
The people walk out of the meeting room.
THE BOMB.
You see a truck right outside the building. Walker gets out of the truck then the truck blows up lighting the street and building on fire. You see Walker turn around for a quick glance at the building then walk away.
The fire breaks out.
The fire starts to burn in the building and the fire alarm goes off as people are making an emergency exit but sadly, for them the stairs are on fire also leaving no way out but the windows. People run to the windows but only Garrett is brave enough to attempt jumping out the window. Garrett jumps out the window leaving everyone else behind.
The fire department arrives.
The fire department arrives and enters the building. They enter the stairs and notice that it is on fire.
Firefighter leader
We need to clear this staircase so, the people have a way of exiting the building.
The firefighters clear the stairway utilizing water. Then enter a room with occupants inside.
Firefighter one.
Are you people alright?
Man one.
Yes, thank you.
Woman one.
What happened?
FIREFIGHTER LEADER
There was a bomb.
Woman.
Oh my god. Why would someone do this to us?
FIREFIGHTER LEADER
I don't know but, the police are working on the case and hopefully they will know soon.
MAN ONE.
I hope so.
The firefighters help other people exit the building.
The news
News anchor
Today someone planted a bomb outside the GPC office building. The police are only saying the bomb was inside a truck located, outside of the building. The bomb was remote detonated. Ten people were killed in the incident. Police hope to find and arrest the people responsible before they strike again. |
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Blue Fairy
The future's out to get you
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| Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 4:52 pm Post subject: |
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this is really hard to read. not because of the actual writing, more the layout. it's hard to see who's speaking and the stage directions.
maybe you could write the person name like this for example:
Paul: How are you?
Rosie: I'm ok
yes, I know rubbish example but do you get what i mean. you can clearly see who's speaking.
Also the stage direction would be easier to read if they were either a couple of lines away from the speech or in brackets to pin point them.
sorry if i was harsh.
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smorgishborg
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| Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 9:58 pm Post subject: |
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| fairy_twinkletoes_13 wrote: |
Paul: How are you?
Rosie: I'm ok
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Great example. Know why? Because of this:
A contraction! Please write dialogue the way it would sound if spoken. Your dialogue is really really bland.
Plot-wise, you need to have a story arc of some sort. What happened in your story? Some wierd board meeting, followed by an Oklahoma City-esque bombing. Which was wierd in itself because I would expect the whole building would be damaged instead of just arbitrarily catching on fire. An then, the building was clearly built to violate the most fundemental of building codes, two points of egress, in case one is blocked or *ahem* on fire. What happened to the fire extinguishers? And then, you just had a character randomly leap through a window, and we still have no clue what happened to him.
This, my friend, is not the way to develop a plot.
I would give you a line-by-line critique, but you didn't look at my last one so.... meh. If you promise to pay attention, I'll be happy to write one for you. |
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Last edited by smorgishborg on Thu Jan 24, 2008 1:43 am; edited 1 time in total |
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thething912
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