| Young Writers Society - Community Forums For Young Writers |
|
This thread was created on January 16, 2008
  |
|
Topic ID: 24708
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Prosithion
Menya Zovut Shnur!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 20 Apr 2006
Posts: 940
Reviews: 189
Country: A Kingdom of Heaven
300 Points
|
 Posted: Wed Jan 16, 2008 3:45 pm Post subject: The Art of War: Part V_ Generals of Hate |
 |
|
Silence falls like a shroud of silk,
Over the battlefield of snow and blood.
The bodies of men wounded and dead,
Lie together indiscriminately,
Red and gold and blue and green.
Out of the fog a flag arises,
Torn and tattered after that long fight,
Red and gold on the darkening horizon,
The victor arises upon that field,
That field of snow and blood.
Arriving home through cheering crowds,
The General receives awards from the leaders of state.
For no matter how cunning a general can be,
He is no match for the army of hate. |
_________________
Check out my site: Broken Strings
Critiques appreciated:
The Cossack's Ride |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Church
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 08 Dec 2007
Posts: 234
Reviews: 40
Country: The one that says I can sleep and lsten to my Ipod at the same time
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 3:31 am Post subject: |
|
|
| what battle are you going for or where are you trying to take this dont get me wrong I likes it war has always been my thing but what is the...the...message yeah that thing |
_________________
-"When God gives you lemons, you find new God" YouTube.com
-If the world is going to end soon, so be it. It can end without me. Myself
-http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?p=364993#364993 When the World Stops Spinning |
|
| Back to top |
|
Suzanne
verbivore
Writer of Legend
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 6962
Reviews: 1747
Country: Riverbluff, MO
684 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 3:37 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
Lie together indiscriminately,
Red and gold and blue and green. |
indiscriminately is an ugly word, and the last line here is kind of ugly too. What's poetic about a list of colors?
I don't really have anything else to say. I haven't read the other parts in months. I will say though, like the person above it does look kind of purposeless. Maybe you should ask this about the poem: what do I want my reader to feel/think/do/believe after reading my poem? That's always a good way to get your thoughts going. |
_________________
Dr. Bishop: Am I required to keep him alive?
-Fringe
What am I reading? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Prosithion
Menya Zovut Shnur!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 20 Apr 2006
Posts: 940
Reviews: 189
Country: A Kingdom of Heaven
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 3:19 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| to understand the last parts, you have to read the first four. That explains the colors and the war. I suggest reading the other parts. That might help clarify this part for you. |
_________________
Check out my site: Broken Strings
Critiques appreciated:
The Cossack's Ride |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
|
|
| This thread was created on January 16, 2008 |
Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair. - George Burns
|
