Kang227
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 Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 4:20 pm Post subject: The Tyrant - Chapter Two |
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Ahh...um...no. Not really, no.
Last edited by Kang227 on Wed Jul 23, 2008 11:42 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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seeminglymeaningless
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| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 10:41 pm Post subject: |
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*shakes head* You will grow addicted to slow claps, my friend  *claps*
Another excellent peice of work! If you're churning out chapters this fast, and this good, I won't be surprised if your book is completed in a few months!
Okay - Pylene and Tanari'k *whistles*
Pylene - Is he derranged? Like seriously. . . Insane? But good work on him - I see no character flaws or such - he's just the typical bad guy. By flaws, I mean holes. How did he come to power, btw? Is it tradition in Teromin that the leader becomes leader only be acension to the throne? In a book I read, the King became King by first eliminating any silblings. . . I think something like that would be fitting for Pylene. The scene itself was awesome. A great opening paragraph for the new chapter. The only thing that racked me up was all the movements of the armies. Perhaps you should provide us with a map
Tanari'k - I love him. *shakes head* Now HE is inSANE. Take it from me - you know how to creep out the reader. I'm not mentioning the scene, as it'd be a spoiler to future readers, but that made me wince and half-gag. You never did say if the minotaur died from it though. I really can't wait to read about what he does to the Kalphi female warriors Yeah - I too am derranged.
Thadius - I seriously thought it'd be a guy But that's just me. I actually enjoyed reading that part. It explained the available magic, who controlled it, and how it "evolved". It was written with thought, and didn't leave a bad taste in my mouth the way Eragon/Eldest sometimes did. - Oh and she's married. To tell the truth, I'm starting to get bogged down in the character list. I suggest not adding any more new characters until you write another chapter/2 chapters rewriting about the ones you've already created, just to finalize their roles, strengthen them.
Also - I noticed there weren't any character descriptions! But I could deal with that! THAT my friend, shows true writing. Your writing was so vivid, all I had to do was read it, and all the imagining was done for me. . . I don't know, you might want to mention hints on what they look like, so you can refer to Pylene as "the red[insert actual hair colour here]-headed king turned away from the battle scene, satisfied." or. . . "Thadius flicked her long black hair away from the parchment, her grey-green eyes rereading over her Law of Alteration." . . . *shrugs* but that's just me.
The Falrunir-led siege - hmm - I enjoyed this. It was realistic (the slings had to readjusted ect), and it flowed really well. I loved the bet - that was just too. . . lighthearted to be before a battle scene, but what one would EXPECT from soldiers. What tripped me up a bit, was how easily it was won - it really was just a skirmish. *sigh* But as this is a war book, you don't want to drown the reader in battle after only the 15th page - which is why, I guess, there were no flaming-pitch arrows raining down, or hot tar tipped on the invaders. . . ?
*giggles* You should probably rate this R for violence and sexual. . . crime as you put it. That scene where Falrunir pulls that guy of the woman is admirable too. I think the ending fell a bit flat though:
“If I may say so, that was amazing, sir,” he said.
Falrunir nodded curtly, without smiling.
It just. . . didn't sit right with me for some reason. . . Maybe you could have something like, "Falrunir ignored his lieutenant's comment and shouldered his way past the young man, not at all satisfied that he had witnessed a softer side of him."
*shrugs*
All in all this was a great addition to The Tyrant, and get Chapter Three out here! .... Hey - are these chapters going to have titles? Cause that would be cool too.
Cheers!
- jai - |
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Kang227
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 12 Jan 2008
Posts: 102
Reviews: 8
Country: United States
399 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 11:35 pm Post subject: |
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Hee-hee.
Yeah, there are ALOT of characters, because there's essentially a mini-cast around each individual one. I believe the beginning of the book will include a 'Dramatis Personae' with all the characters and some very short descriptor.
Yeah...I made a map, scanned it, kewl...but it's also EXTREMELY TINY. I think I have it saved at school...lemme see...
Wait, no! I have it here! In its raw, unedited form!
OK, starting from the EAST coast...
The islandy-part to the north are the Dagerynn. The country directly to the south are the minotaur. The blurby island to the south of the minotaur is the home of the Brae'amin.
The big country next to the minotaur is Zarintas. The big one next to THAT is Teromin. The peninsula-shaped country below Zarintas is the Kalphi desert. The furthest part west are the Archai wetlands.
And you can see Thelberg and - ValMERA? Hmm...I've since renamed it...
The 'stars' are the minotaur, Zarintian, Terominian, and Kalphi capital cities: Goeth, Ceres, Visintas, and That-One-Place, respectively. |
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