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J.C. Belding
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 Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 9:35 am Post subject: The Lone Templar |
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He paces his quarters,
One hand on his belt.
The other, beside him,
Gloved in fine lion's pelt.
The firelight warms him,
Though not to the core.
He sobs with remorse,
And then drops to the floor.
With his hands intertwined,
A vigil he makes.
His legs have long failed him,
His aged eye now aches.
He was once thought so holy,
Then greed took its hold.
Corruption grew deep,
His god was now gold.
Since then they all suffered,
From rope, axe, and flame.
Their once mighty honor,
Was now de-men-ted shame.
It just seemed a loss,
Such skill put to waste.
Wisdom now forfeit,
To powers less graced.
A knock on the door,
then the breaking of wood.
A sword in one hand,
The Templar now stood.
They came barging through,
Through dust and through smoke.
They circled around him,
Then one of them spoke.
"My name is Sauntre,
And these are my men.
I hold here a warrant,
To arrest you for sin."
The Temp-lar held his blade,
And gazed as it gleamed.
An oath he once made,
Though now gone, it seemed.
So with his fine sword,
Which he raised far up high,
"Amuli eh," he stated,
"I now go to the sky."
And so with his words said,
He turned 'round his blade.
Made one final thrust,
And to rest, he was laid. |
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My quote of the month: "Time passed inaffective, for those who lie in shadow are at a threaten only by those who dare to enter the dark."- The Philine Quartet:Part 2
Last edited by J.C. Belding on Mon Jan 21, 2008 10:15 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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EliteHusky
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| Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 1:00 pm Post subject: Good |
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I happen to know a bit about of history about the Templars and based on your poem, so do you. I really liked how you took a part of controversial history and made a poem, while still keeping some history intertwined with it. I also liked how you used:
| Quote: |
| Was now de-men-ted shame. |
In that verse as it really helped the reader find the pace of the poem although to be perfectly honest I did not quite understand why you would make "demented" that way on my first read and that threw me, mind you that was the first read.
Warm Regards,
-Elitehusky |
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Lady Sydney
Baroque Princess
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| Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 3:21 pm Post subject: |
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That was great! I loved every stanza except for the first one. The rhyme seemed kind of forced, to me. But, other than that, this was really good.  Your last stanza is what really got my attention. I was expecting him to turn the blade on himself, but it still somewhat came as a surprise, because of the way you said it and all.
I don't think that there was anything you needed to work on, except for possibly re-wording the last line of your first stanza.
Wonderful job! Keep up the good work.
~Sydney |
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Formerly known as Silly Sydstix... as well as Aquarius Angel. |
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SimonCowellLuver
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| Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 11:02 pm Post subject: Re: The Lone Templar |
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| J.C. Belding wrote: |
He paces his quarters,
One hand on his belt.
The other, beside him,
Oh, the pain it has felt!
The firelight warms him,
Though not to the core.
He sobs with remorse,
And then drops to the floor.
With his hands intertwined,
A vigil he makes.
His legs have long failed him,
His aged eye now aches.
He was once thought so holy,
Then greed took its hold.
Corruption grew deep,
His god was now gold.
Since then they all suffered,
From rope, axe, and flame.
Their once mighty honor,
Was now de-men-ted shame.
It just seemed a loss,
Such skill put to waste.
Wisdom now forfeit,
To powers less graced.
A knock on the door,
then the breaking of wood.
A sword in one hand,
The templar now stood.
They came barging through,
Through dust and through smoke.
They circled around him,
Then one of them spoke.
"My name is Sauntre,
And these are my men.
I hold here a warrant,
To arrest you for sin."
The Temp-lar held his blade,
And gazed as it gleamed.
An oath he once made,
Though now gone, it seemed.
So with his fine sword,
Which he raised far up high,
"Amuli eh," he stated,
"I now go to the sky."
And so with his words said,
He turned 'round his blade.
Made one final thrust,
And to rest, he was laid. |
Oh, the pain it has felt![/quote] I think you need to put something in here because it sounds awkward. Not a great sentence.
Another who is the poem talking about? You don't tell who he is.
Amuli eh," he stated[/quote] What does this mean? I am confused.
This was a good poem but your grammar needs work.  Good luck with your writing. |
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Church
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| Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 3:28 am Post subject: |
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sound so much like assains creed i want to play as the templar and it was like I was in the room with them
that was good |
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Teh Wozzinator
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| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 8:50 pm Post subject: Re: The Lone Templar |
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| J.C. Belding wrote: |
He paces his quarters,
One hand on his belt.
The other, beside him,
Gloved in fine lion's pelt.
The firelight warms him,
Though not to the core.
He sobs with remorse,
And then drops to the floor.
With his hands intertwined,
A vigil he makes.
His legs have long failed him,
His aged eye now aches. (so, does he only have one eye??
He was once thought so holy,
Then greed took its hold.
Corruption grew deep,
His god was now gold.
Since then they all suffered,
From rope, axe, and flame.
Their once mighty honor,
Was now de-men-ted shame. why do you add the hyphens? is it so that it sounds like "dee, men, tid" instead of "duh, men, tud"? interesting idea...
It just seemed a loss,
Such skill put to waste.
Wisdom now forfeit,
To powers less graced.
A knock on the door,
then the breaking of wood.
A sword in one hand,
The templar now stood. don't you capitalize the "t" in templar?
They came barging through,
Through dust and through smoke.
They circled around him,
Then one of them spoke.
"My name is Sauntre,
And these are my men.
I hold here a warrant,
To arrest you for sin." what sin? just because his "god is now gold"?
The Temp-lar held his blade, again about the hyphen
And gazed as it gleamed.
An oath he once made,
Though now gone, it seemed.
So with his fine sword,
Which he raised far up high,
"Amuli eh," he stated, Amuli eh?
"I now go to the sky."
And so with his words said,
He turned 'round his blade.
Made one final thrust,
And to rest, he was laid. why'd he kill himself? or did he... |
wow. this was amazing. how old are you? i don't have any grammar edits, i guess.... what i thought about this was...
1. This is a great subject, a poem that i would definitely want to read about.
2. You tell the story amazingly well for a poem such as this.
3. I loved your rhymes.
4. Your rhythm was perfect! Seriously, there were no flaws there.
keep writing, i definitely want to read more! |
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Teh Wozzinator
Respect the 'Vette!
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| Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 2:41 pm Post subject: |
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um, i have a question: why are all the "templar"s in gold-ish orange????
I'm confused....
Teh Wozzinator |
_________________
Cow: You're a lawyer too?
Mosquito: Yeah, I was already a blood-sucking parasite, all I had to do was get the briefcase! ~The Bee Movie
There are "normal" people in the world, but they're no fun to write about. |
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J.C. Belding
Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 28 Nov 2007
Posts: 64
Reviews: 47
Country: United States
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 7:35 am Post subject: |
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| What do you mean by "in gold-ish orange" |
_________________
My quote of the month: "Time passed inaffective, for those who lie in shadow are at a threaten only by those who dare to enter the dark."- The Philine Quartet:Part 2 |
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Teh Wozzinator
Respect the 'Vette!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
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Posts: 733
Reviews: 234
Country: Limbo...
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 2:19 pm Post subject: |
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| Sorry, I was confused... obviously. It was because I had searched for "Templar". |
_________________
Cow: You're a lawyer too?
Mosquito: Yeah, I was already a blood-sucking parasite, all I had to do was get the briefcase! ~The Bee Movie
There are "normal" people in the world, but they're no fun to write about. |
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Reyu
Hire me Robot Chicken!
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| Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 2:40 pm Post subject: |
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The first half is completely amazing, so amazing, that I did not even notice your age. I normally notice things like that right off. The other half loses some tempo but is still good. I have no suggestions.
In other words I loved it. |
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DarkTestimonyofTruth
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| Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 6:48 pm Post subject: Re: The Lone Templar |
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| J.C. Belding wrote: |
He paces his quarters,
One hand on his belt.
The other, beside him,
Gloved in fine lion's pelt.
The firelight warms him,
Though not to the core.
He sobs with remorse, [A bit nit-picky, but it's a little off here]
And then drops to the floor.
With his hands intertwined,
A vigil he makes.
His legs have long failed him,
His aged eye now aches.
He was once thought so holy,
Then greed took its hold.
Corruption grew deep,
His god was now gold. [I like this verse.]
Since then they all suffered,
From rope, axe, and flame.
Their once mighty honor,
Was now de-men-ted shame.
It just seemed a loss,
Such skill put to waste.
Wisdom now forfeit,
To powers less graced.
A knock on the door,
then the breaking of wood.
A sword in one hand,
The Templar now stood.
They came barging through,
Through dust and through smoke.
They circled around him,
Then one of them spoke.
"My name is Sauntre,
And these are my men.
I hold here a warrant,
To arrest you for sin."
The Temp-lar held his blade,
And gazed as it gleamed.
An oath he once made,
Though now gone, it seemed.
So with his fine sword,
Which he raised far up high,
"Amuli eh," he stated,
"I now go to the sky."
And so with his words said,
He turned 'round his blade.
Made one final thrust,
And to rest, he was laid. |
I really like this piece. I only had one comment to make, and it was really just a small thing. The rhythm was a tad bit plain, but the verse was artistic and beautiful. The topic was interesting as well. |
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Please, love, give me the wheel, before both of our hearts you
will steal tonight
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