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Porcelain Angel
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 Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 6:29 am Post subject: Sepia Photograph-Novella |
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Bathory
Stevey Solis
Her azure eyes fluttered open as streams of warm sunlight fell across her face. Around her lay beer-bottles, pizza boxes, comatose revelers and one-night stands. All of it evidence of the hell they had raised in honor of her twenty-first birthday. Slowly the blue eyed girl pushed herself from the floor, wincing as her stiff muscles screamed about being moved, and stumbled towards the bathroom in search of something relieve the pounding jackhammers behind her eyes. As she hunted through the assortment of pills, toothpastes and other odd bathroom items she cursed herself for drinking as much as she did. Finally she found what she had been looking for, downing four of the strange little blue pills, she slid to the floor and rested against the bathroom wall, letting them work their magic. She glanced at the clock that hung in the bathroom and swore. A few moments later a loud, sharp bell sounded throughout her home. She grimaced and covered her ears partially, the noise not particularly enchanting to her hung-over senses. Already she could hear the moans and groans of those in the living room. The young woman pushed the off button on the alarm and blissful silence filled the air for a moment before an angry voice shattered it.
“What the fuck Artemis!” The voice belong to Matthias the hardest partier in the city and her current boyfriend.
“Sorry, I forgot to turn it off last night.”
“No shit.” Artemis grabbed her little pill bottle and went to the living room. She knew that he would need it, most of the empty alcohol bottles being his.
“I have to go in to work tonight babe, you gonna be okay to stay out of trouble?” She was only half teasing, she rarely let him go out on his own because of his penchant too drink too much, as much as she wished she could, Artemis was not his mother and couldn’t exactly ground him to his room.
“Ah, you worry to much babe,” he wrapped a large burly arm around her waist and pulled Artemis against him. “I don’t ever get into trouble unless you are there.”
“Alright. But now I need help getting these lay-abouts outta my house, care to join me?” She had a wicked grin on her face and mischief dancing in her eyes.
“Always glad to join in your revelries my little Faye.” She rolled her eyes at his pet name for her and wriggled away from his grasp. She moved to the kitchen and set several glasses on the counter before filling them with water and ice. Artemis handed Matthias two glasses and grabbed two herself before heading toward her still sleeping friends.
“All right, light is here, that means you need to be out of here. For those of you who would like to remain dry, and warm get up, get out and you won’t get drenched, for the rest of you, it is bath time.” Artemis spoke in her best ‘drill sergeant’ voice and watch as a few actually woke up and tried to leave. After those who heeded her warning were out of the line of fire Artemis and Matthias dumped glass after glass of icy water on the faces and bodies of those who had not.
An hour, and two near fights, later Artemis had cleared out her living room and was working on getting it clean. Matthias had tried helping her, but found the clinking bottles and bright lights a little much and had left Artemis to clean alone. She didn’t mind really, she had done almost everything on her own since she was eleven, her father being a deserter and her mother being too sick with self-pity to be of much use to herself or a young and confused Artemis.
After the mandatory ‘basic’ cleaning of her living room Artemis dropped the trash bags by the door and made her way to the back of her house, taking refuge in her dark, cool and blissfully quiet bedroom. She set the alarm on her beside clock, stripped down to her birthday suit and slid under her covers for some deep, well-deserved sleep. |
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Last edited by Porcelain Angel on Mon Jan 14, 2008 7:42 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 6:58 am Post subject: |
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| Her body lay curled on her side, her head resting on her arm as rays of light warmed her skin. |
You managed to use the word "her" four times in a 20 word sentence. that's 1:5 use of the word her. That's a lot. Try to change your word order around, clean things up, say things differently. It's way to repetitive. Not to mention, if this is the beginning of you story, make it a hook. Catch me, don't bore me.
| Quote: |
| Around her lay the remains of a party. Glass bottles, hung over teens and a few, slightly unsavory stains on the beige carpet; all of them evidence of the hell they had raised. |
These sentences are pretty messy. Consider this:
Around her lay the remains of a part: glass bottles, hung over teens, a few unsavory stains on the beige carpet. All of it was evidence of the hell they had raised.
I cut a few unneeded words and rearranged the punctuation. Also, you said her again!
| Quote: |
| Finally finding what she wanted she closed the cabinet and downed the pills, not seeing the man who had followed her into the bathroom. |
I don't like this sentence. It's poorly done.
She finally found what she was looking for, closed the cabinet, and downed [nice vernacular] the pills. She hadn't seen the man who followed her into the bathroom.
Not to mention that last line is a bit unbelievable. Would he make noise or something?
| Quote: |
| The man’s voice was dark and smooth but the fact that he was an unannounced visitor Artemis spun with dexterity akin to that of a cat. |
I think you missed something after the word "visitor". and reacting like a cat is kind of cliché.
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| “Who the hell are you and what the Hell are you doing in my house?” |
Hell should be lower cased.
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| “All right whom do you belong to?” |
I'm not sure whom is the word for that sentence.
| Quote: |
| Artemis was getting tired of him following her, practically playing hopscotch to avoid the comatose bodies of her friend. |
again a messy sentence.
Artemis was getting tired of him following her, not to mention she was practically playing hopscotch to avoid the comatose bodies of her friend(s?).
| Quote: |
| “Why you of course Lady Artemis.” |
Woah. Punctuation, please.
Well, this was unbelievable and cliché, sad to say. Your prose is so dry to the point that all there is are events going on. Your characters are flatter than walls, your setting cannot be seen, and what ever is happening is beyond the "suspension of belief". You have to introduce me to your main character, Artemis, before you throw me into her life, and things about her. Right now I don't care about her at all or her kingdom or her random visitor, so why should I continue reading? And the way she asked towards a strange visitor in her house was so unrealistic that this whole part was hard to believe. I don't know where you are going with this, but I suggest you fix your beginning or the whole story. If your characters aren't developed here, I doubt they are anywhere else in your story.
Keep in mind that a beginning is very important. You want to hook your reader as quickly as possible, and you also need to introduce us to your main character and make us care about them. Sorry this was so too the point and rough, I'm a bit sleepy and I think I'm colder when without sleep. ^_^
I would suggest you join the Character Development user group, and spend a bit of time thinking on what you were writing. This was so empty of actual content that it wasn't enjoyable to read. Shouldn't reading each word be like tasting a different chocolate in an assortment? Don't think of writing as getting your scenes on paper--although for a first draft this is a good way to work. Writing is finding beauty in words, and speaking to your reader. But don't just tell us what is going on--pull us into it. Make us there.
If you have any questions feel free to PM me. |
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Gwenevire
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| Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 4:09 am Post subject: |
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I really like this.
I like the words you have used to describe everything. It draws me in, it seems kind of clean and welcoming.
I think it might have been going a little to fast for me, so maybe slow it down develop the character a little more. Tell us more about Artemis. Don't rush into it so fast. Let us dip our whiskers then draw us in slowly. Then clamp the bit down.
I hope I helped 
Keep going!
Genevieve |
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Porcelain Angel
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| Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 5:16 am Post subject: |
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| Thank you for the reviews...*goes off to work on suggestions* |
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Last edited by Porcelain Angel on Mon Jan 14, 2008 8:05 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Meep
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| Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 5:32 pm Post subject: Re: Sepia Photograph-Novella |
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| Porcelain Angel, edits by Meep wrote: |
Her body She lay curled on her side, her head resting on her arm as rays of light warmed her skin. |
As Suzette already pointed out, this sentence needs work. I made a couple of changes, as you can see. In particular, I wouldn't say "her body" unless she's dead-dead (as opposed to undead).
Also, this is kind of a boring opener.
| Porcelain Angel wrote: |
| Her eyes flickered open revealing their azure depths to the morning light. |
First thought: azure eyes would be a little creepy. Since this is a fantasy, it'll slide, but make sure you really mean azure and not blue. They're not the same.
Second thought: depths. This is classic purple prose, while we're on the subject of colors. It just sounds awkward. I, personally, am biased against it because of how often Mary Sue authors use it - but that's just me.
Third thought (mm, alliteration): is the morning light looking at her? 'Cause that would be implied by the way you've worded this.
| Porcelain Angel, edits by Meep wrote: |
Around her lay the remains of a party. Glass bottles, hung over teens and a few, slightly unsavory stains on the beige carpet; all of them evidence of the hell they that had been raised. |
I changed "they" to "that had been" because as you had it, it implied that the teens, the bottles and the unsavory stains had raised hell. It's just awkward.
(Also, hungover is one word.)
| Porcelain Angel wrote: |
| She stumbled over the bodies of her friends and fell into the bathroom, rummaging half-blind through the contents of her medicine cabinet. |
In this case, I think your use of "bodies" is not only okay but pretty good because it gives us some idea of their current state.
| Porcelain Angel wrote: |
| Finally finding what she wanted she closed the cabinet and downed the pills, not seeing the man who had followed her into the bathroom. |
I'm guilty of this, too, but the way this is worded implies that she closed the cabinet and downed the pills at the exact same time she finally found what she needed. (See writerism #11, here.)
| Porcelain Angel wrote: |
| Artemis splashed water on her face and sighed, the pounding in her head going away slightly. |
Those painkillers worked awfully fast, don't you think?
(I have the same problems in my own writing, so don't feel bad.)
| Porcelain Angel, edits by Meep wrote: |
“Hello Artemis.” The man’s voice was dark and smooth, but the fact that he was an unannounced visitor made Artemis spun spin with dexterity akin to that of a cat. |
I like "akin to" as well, but that doesn't make it a good thing to say. It's pretty awkward.
Also, I'm pretty sure I know what you're trying to get across by having her compared to a cat; graceful, lithe, whatever else - but cats aren't really known for their spinning. If you want to use the metaphor - which I might advise against, as it's very overused - save it for when she's running, jumping, climbing, leaping ...
| Porcelain Angel, edits by Meep wrote: |
“Who the hell are you and what the Hell hell are you doing in my house?” |
| Porcelain Angel, edits by Meep wrote: |
| “Such language does not become a lady of your stature, Artemis.” |
| Porcelain Angel, edits by Meep wrote: |
“Now, now my dear, is that any way to treat a guest?” The condescension in his tone was thick. Artemis growled low in her throat and stalked out of her bathroom, she picked picking up the odd beer bottle and deposited depositing them into the trash. The man followed her, eyeing the motley group with disgust. |
I think you need to reword the sentence about how condescending he's being. I don't have any specific suggestions, I just feel like it sounds awkward.
In this case, I think it's okay to use the present tense following, implying these things are happening at the same time. I could be wrong, though. What I do know is that the way you had it sounded awkward, possibly a comma splice, but grammar is not my forté.
| Porcelain Angel, edits by Meep wrote: |
| “All right, whom do you belong to?” Artemis was getting tired of him following her, practically playing hopscotch to avoid the comatose bodies of her friend. |
In this case, it might be worth it for her to say "okay" and even "who do you belong to?" which, while possibly not grammatically correct - I can never remember - is how people talk. Dialogue does not need to be correct, or in whole sentences, or anything like that.
| Porcelain Angel, edits by Meep wrote: |
| “Why you of course, Lady Artemis.” |
| Porcelain Angel wrote: |
| “Okay, you officially need to lay off whatever drugs you take, that and get the hell out of my apartment!” Artemis wheeled on him, her headache returning full force as she resisted the urge to grab him by his starched collar and throw him out of the balcony window herself. |
While understandably angry, why did it take her so long to get upset - and why isn't she freaking out about their being a stranger in her home?
| Porcelain Angel, edits by Meep wrote: |
“Let me guess, - the best drugs, booze or sex I have ever had.” Her sarcasm cut through the air as she took a subtle subtly defensive posture.
“A kingdom.” ¶ Artemis stared; she stared blatantly and unabridged she stared before her body she doubled over with laughter. |
Considering there's a stranger in her house, she might not double over laughing - it's a pretty vulnerable position. Also, considering her character, a more appropriate response might be - and excuse my language - for her to just look him in the eye and say "bullshit."
| Porcelain Angel wrote: |
| “I did. I am here to offer you your birthright as queen of Bathory.” |
First thought: Bathory is a family name - which I assume you knew - not a place. (I'm guessing this is inspired by/a reference to Elizabeth Báthory?)
Second thought: the hidden princess theme is getting kind-of old. Why isn't she raised as a princess in the first place?
| Porcelain Angel, edits by Meep wrote: |
“You’re shitting me, right,? There is, like[b], some hidden camera or something and any minute now people are going to come out and start laughing and tell me I am on some new reality show.” ¶ It was his turn to become aggravated; he had forgotten how stubborn the royals of Bathory were could be. Deciding to forego any more of her arguing and disbelief he muttered a few words under his breath and watched her collapse in a deep sleep. |
Why didn't he just do this in the first place?
| Porcelain Angel, edits by Meep wrote: |
| “Finally.” He picked her up bridal style; he spoke again in an arcane language that caused the wall before him to shimmer like mercury. He muttered a quick “forgive me highness” and slipped inside, dreading the time when the sleeping Artemis awoke. |
I've got to say it: I hate when people say "bridal style." It just rubs me the wrong way. I figure there's got to be a better way to describe it - or why doesn't he just drape her over his shoulder? This is more of a pet peeve than anything, but there it is.
---
So.
Other'n things I mentioned as I went on, I feel like you need to give us a more solid introduction to Artemis (why is she called that, by the way?) before you threaten her, otherwise the reader won't feel frightened on her behalf. (Also, a more realistic reaction to a total stranger in her home would be nice.) Starting with her waking up is not only boring but incredibly cliché. *yawn* The first sentences is the most important sentence, if you ask me. If you don't hook your reader, chances are they won't keep reading.
This feels like a fantasy version of The Princess Diaries, which I've got to say I absolutely can't stand.
I've got to second Suzanne: join the Character Development usergroup and go through the exercises there. (You could also use some work on your dialogue. Character development will help that, but there's a Nuances of Natural Dialogue usergoup, which you might also want to look into joining.)
edit: oh, dear. I just realized your second post here was an edit of what I just critiqued. *head/wall* I thought it was, like, part two. Gah, I'm an idiot sometimes. Sorry. (It might be better just to edit your first post with the new changes so people don't get confused.)
I'm so sorry.  |
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Last edited by Meep on Tue Jan 15, 2008 4:22 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Porcelain Angel
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| Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 7:39 pm Post subject: |
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| Yeah, I kinda forgot about the 'edit' feature when I posted that, thanks though. Its okay all critiques are welcomed and I am open to anything, specially the bashing of the original. I at one point had a beta but the issue was i got a continuous stream of 'this is great keep it up' and never a real cririque. But what do you think of the re-worked verision? which Iwill be putting as the first post. As for the Bathory name, yeah it was inspired by Elizabeth Bathory (and an argument between my boyfriend and I)). I am glad someome caught the reference. ^_^ |
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Meep
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| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 5:07 pm Post subject: Re: Sepia Photograph-Novella |
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| Porcelain Angel wrote: |
| Her azure eyes fluttered open as streams of warm sunlight fell across her face. |
As I said last time: azure eyes would be kind-of weird. Azure ≠ blue, especially the color of blue eyes.
Also, as I mentioned last time, this sentences is needlessly poetic, and it's still not a very interesting hook.
| Porcelain Angel wrote: |
| Around her lay beer-bottles, pizza boxes, comatose revelers and one-night stands. All of it evidence of the hell they had raised in honor of her twenty-first birthday. |
That's much, much better than last time.
| Porcelain Angel, edits by Meep wrote: |
Slowly the blue eyed girlArtemis pushed herself from up off of the floor, wincing as her stiff muscles screamed about being moved, and stumbled towards the bathroom in search of something relieve the pounding jackhammers behind her eyes. |
Try not to use things like "the blue eyed girl." Just use her name or a pronoun. I remember reading the reason for this somewhere, but I can't find where or remember it. As for me, I just find it annoying.
| Porcelain Angel wrote: |
| As she hunted through the assortment of pills, toothpastes and other odd bathroom items she cursed herself for drinking as much as she did. |
| Porcelain Angel, with edits by Meep wrote: |
| She cursed herself for drinking as much as she did as she hunted through the assortment of pills, toothpastes and other odd bathroom items. |
| Porcelain Angel, edits by Meep wrote: |
Finally she found what she had been looking for, and downing four of the strange little blue pills, she slid to the floor and rested against the bathroom wall, letting them work their magic. |
In this quote, and in the last, you're being overly wordy. You don't need to tell us everything, just enough that we can picture it.
I've got to say, though I do like that she's "downing" the pills and they "work their magic." That's very well phrased.
| Porcelain Angel wrote: |
| She glanced at the clock that hung in the bathroom and swore. A few moments later a loud, sharp bell sounded throughout her home. She grimaced and covered her ears partially, the noise not particularly enchanting to her hung-over senses. |
Again, instead of "not particularly enchanting to her hung-over senses," you could say "aggravated her hangover" or "made her head pound" or something to that effect.
| Porcelain Angel, edits by Meep wrote: |
The young woman pushed the off button on the alarm and blissful silence filled the air returned for a moment before an angry voice shattered it again. |
| Porcelain Angel, edits by Meep wrote: |
| “What the fuck, Artemis!” The voice belong to Matthias[/b],[/b] the hardest partier in the city and her current boyfriend. |
Repeat after me: I do believe in commas, I do, I do!
| Porcelain Angel, edits by Meep wrote: |
“No shit.” ¶ Artemis grabbed her little pill bottle and went to the living room. She knew that he would need it, considering that most of the empty alcohol bottles being were his. |
Unless it's Artemis who's speaking here, start a new paragraph.
| Porcelain Angel wrote: |
| “Always glad to join in your revelries my little Faye.” |
That's really weird and out of character nickname for a modern-day, hard core party boy to call his girlfriend, don't you think?
| Porcelain Angel wrote: |
| She didn’t mind really, she had done almost everything on her own since she was eleven, her father being a deserter and her mother being too sick with self-pity to be of much use to herself or a young and confused Artemis. |
Ah, the classic tragic past. I'm not saying that there aren't cases of fathers leaving and mothers being unable (or unwilling) to care for their children, but it's so overdone that it's gotten really, really boring to read about - especially in fantasy.
I would suggest you read Limyaael's Fantasy Rants. There are a lot of them, so pick and choose the ones dealing with things in your story, starting with this and this. I know Artemis isn't a teenager, but she's young enough that it still applies.
---
There were a lot of improvements in this, especially as far as wording goes, but it could still use a lot of work. Reconsider where you start the story; in media res is a perfectly good place to start. It's just that you really don't have much of a hook right now. If I read that first sentence anywhere other than YWS, I just wouldn't've kept reading. |
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